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Wow, I haven't done this in a while.  Standard preface: I am honest, often to the point of brutality.  No offense is intended, so if any is felt, please remember I am being as tactful as possible given the subject matter.   Right.  So, although this isn't much of a sampleâ??more of a ... a blink, I guessâ??it's still enough for me to pick out a couple of items: one comment, and one question.  Comment first. Your tenses are inconsistent.  You switch from past to present back to past, without even realising you're doing so, I think.  And while I understand that this point could be considered an editing/revision comment, when you say you write as much as you claim and yet demonstrate such a glaring weakness in work I believe you're proud of (ugh, dangling participle), it calls into question your entire repertoire.  With so little to go on, I can't really tell if this is just a momentary lapse in style or if this sort of tense-switching is rampant throughout the rest of your work. From experience, Present is a harder tense to maintain consistently (especially with flashbacks), and for, in my opinion, a debatable reward vice Past.  That isn't to say Present isn't useful, or is undesirable.  It's mostly just situational.  It promotes a very active narration style, since the narrator is essentially keeping pace with the main characters instead of looking back, and is simultaneously much more limiting, since you as the author are now denied the advantages of using 3rd Omniscient as a perspective, and so are restricted to the information inside the head(s) of whomever you happen to be following at the time.  By comparison, Past is much easier.   Tenses may seem like a relative non-issue compared to plot content and character development, but they are grammatical fundamentals that can quickly label you as a novice writer if ignored or misunderstood or misused.  Professional writers have been sensetive to what tense they are using for so long that the process of selecting, using, and maintaining the correct one are almost as reflexive as walking.   ...no offense if you're wheelchair-bound or afflicted with some other form of paraplegia or mobility impairment.  It's just that breathing was too natural.       My question for you: when you say that this story is intended for "juvenile readers", what age range/reading comprehension level are you considering?  I have a remark on the subject, but your answer to this question will determine what direction that remark takes.       Sadly, with so little to go on, I can't really remark on anything related to style or content, or really anything fun that we as writers do.  I have a feeling your reticence to post more is due to a fear of plagiarism, which I understand.  But, unless the responses you're seeking are along the lines of Sounds great!  Can't wait to read more!, with the bare bones you've provided here, there isn't a whole lot of constructive feedback possible to give you.  You trusted the boards enough to hope you got a response at all (which is admirable, given the abundance of tumbleweeds around these parts...), why not trust us to handle your work like the mature adults most of us try to be? ...I mean, you know, when we're not deliberately being completely not mature at all.  With fart jokes.  And stuff.

Dude! How can you NOT tell her? "Gamer chick" opens up a whole slew of conversation starters.... "Hey... XYZ"... Did you get a copy of Cubic Ninja?" Or really go the extra mile and get yourself a copy, "improve" your 3DS, and ask if she wants to borrow [the 3DS]. (Prominent on my mind cause its all my son is talking about right now.) Or ask her what music she's into. Ask her to come over to your house or meet at a park to swap ipod playlists. The lovely thing about Otaku, it's we pretty much transparently scream what our interests are. She's probably waiting for you to show some sort of interest. What are you gonna lose by trying? You'll lose more by NOT trying. Have faith in you. ;-) I know I'm uber late in replying, but your query is an ageless problem for people, so everyone should heed my advice. Never miss a golden opportunity just because YOU don't see your worth.