wiccansamurai

My first love was just recently. He was the boyfriend I went out with for the shortest period of time. He was amazing in so many ways. The way he held me, the way he talked to me, the way he protected me. Yes, he loved me. But he loved his ex more. He dumped me twice for her. And now I think he may hate me, even thoguh we're still friends. But I've tried, again and again, to let go of my feelings for him. Two months have passed and the feelings are still there. And I miss him, miss him bad. Its so horrible and cliche. Oh well, that's what happens when you're a teenager, right? I thought I felt love back when I was a kid. That went horrible and I can blame almost all of my mental problems on it. -_-

Some kid in my gym class asked me a similiar, more specific question . He asked me if I, a straight female, would ever have sex with a girl for 13 billion dollar. I looked at him like he was crazy and said "Hell yea. I'd do it for a few thousand." I don't think my answer surprised him, I think I have the whole school convinced I'm a lesbian. I can be bought, but it all depends on the situation. I'm not gonna kill someone, but do something that would only make my dignity/self-respect/reputation go down? Those things are only worth as much as you make them, and really, I don't care what other people feel about me. Most things that would only damage other people's view of me, I'd have no problem doing that for the right pay. Ok, so maybe I'm not as moral as some of you who say you would never be bought. But have you ever been in a situation where you'd make that choice? If you haven't, I'm not sure you know now what you'd do there.

Goth is a label. Labels are for soup cans. Goths are soup cans! Are YOU a soup can??? Seriosuly, trying to put someone in a precise group is just plain dumb. A lot of people don't fit any of them. Most people don't fit one completely. In a related story, me, Ms. Bright and Happy Clothing, was sitting in Youth Group the other day. My bff was talking about stereotypes and the teens that "Wear baggy clothing and chains." And this other girl goes "You mean like Molly?" And I was just "ME?! I'm a goth? HA!" Sure, I was wearing black that day, but happy black! lol. People try to hard to fit me in a group. And wearing black isn't all there is to "goth." I'm so tired of teen stereotypes.

Zero tolerance really sucks. My little brother gets bullied a lot. Last week, during gym, he gets jumped by 5 other kids and gets suspended for it. That's crap! I mean, he fought back, but was he supposed to let a group of bullies beat on him? Another thing, one of my brothers went camping. He didn't have a chance to unload his car, so he still had tools in the back. Some of them were sharp. (I don't think it was a saw or anything, but some things that the school would consider "weapons") and he got suspended for it. The school's go way to overboard on their rules sometimes.

Actually, Sephiroth, YOU'RE spamming. Anyway, more. I hate it when: My grade in a class gets lowered because of something someone else did. People make assumptions about me after hearing me say two sentences. Like this one girl, after I said my best friend wants to leave the crap with her ex in the past and be friends, said I'm pretending to be a goody two shoes because I went up and insulted my best friend's ex. Calling him an idiot isn't that insulting, its the truth. And who ever said I wanted to leave all that in the past and all that other warm and fuzzy stuff? I forget to do my homework . For three classes in one day. Including a poster project, a paper, and some normal stuff. Oh, lovely. (Hey, for my defense, I got the dates all mixed up and thought all this was due next week.) There is no chocolate in my house. That's a horrible thing to do to me! I babysit and the parent say they'll be home by 10. And then aren't home by 11:30. (Meh, at least the pay is good, I guess.) People forget me and blow off plans we have. Especially when they're the ones who wanted to hang out in the first place. Does everyone think that I'd rather be no where else on a Saturday afternoon trying to call them and waiting for them to call? Ok, I think that's it for now.

I pretty much adhere to rules. No rules that I have to follow are that strict. There are some I break, of course. But those are only the ones I won't get caught for. And I'll break the rules if someone convinces me its a good idea. Like this one time, at youth group, in back..... wait, I won't get into that story. :animeswea The rules I break are mostly like getting in the car with another teenager. My mom says I'm not allowed to, but I've done it a few times. Got caught once, and since it was with my boyfriend of the time, I was in huge trouble. Which is kinda ironic, but that's another thing I don't feel like getting into. And I skip twenty minutes of class now and then, but nothing big, really. I'm a good girl! I swear.... Er, kinda.

I hate it when: Stupid "otakus" say that they're gonna learn Japanese, change their name to Sakura, and move to Japan. Especially when the ONLY manga they've read, the ONLY anime they've seen is the few series in my posseion that I actually lend out from my collection. Seriously, get over yourself and your "otaku-ness." You know little about the culture and probably think everyone there loves anime or something. People be annoyingly friendly with me when I barely know them. Now, don't get me wrong, with my close friends I'm a cute cuddly teddy bear. But when a girl I've only talked to twice and whose name I don't know comes up to me and expects me to drop all my books to give her a bear hug and then asks why I never call her, that's going overboard. (This happened the other day) people be what is commonly called "emo." Especially the ones who don't have any real problems, and when are asked why they cut, they respond "My parents dont lov m3!!!111!! Every1 @ skewl h8s me!" And the truth is that their parents just didn't buy them the video game they asked for and they have plenty of friends, all really worried about them. And then there's the ones who make up problems. That annoys me more. I have an emo friend who said she is being molested by her stapdad and that she told the police and they did nothing. I called a department on it, and the police called back saying they had no record of being told, and then the girl denied it and said I was making up stuff. That really made me angry. people insult my best friend to my face. It's just not somethign you do. random friends who hardly know me call me a slut. I really don't dress all THAT slutty, I mean, sure, a low cut shirt now and then, but nothign all that bad. And I'm not doing stuff with random guys. Actually, one of the friends that called me a slut, actually does do stuff with random guys. She just doesn't know how to insult someone creatively and truthfully. If you're gonna insult someone, use the truth. Its more affective. In my current PMS-y state, I could probably go on and on with this list, but I'll end it there.

My school is actually pretty safe, in theory. Theory: No one can get in without being a student with an ID on. Reality: None of the students wear their IDs and its hardly reinforcable anymore. Students will let in anyone if they're knocking at a door. Otherwise, its actually safe. We have at least two cops walking around, and the station is right across the street. The outside doors don't open at all during school, so the only way in is thorugh the deans office, ideally. No adult is let in EVER without an ID, unless its a teacher that everyone recognizes. We have a "small country" town (it stopped being a small country town when all the city people started moving out here) where there is almost no major crime problems. But my school isn't every school. In fact, the school my sister works at, almost anyone could walk in without being noticed, really. They have no cops, no real security, not even a lock down drill.

I have a whole set of irrational fears. Disney irrational fears. Huffalumps and woosels. You all remember them from Winie the Pooh. They were thieves that stole Pooh's honey. And they were CREEPY! I cried everytime I watched that movie, I still can't stand it. My mom wants me to go with my niece to see that Huffalump movie, and as much as I love my niece, I am NOT gonna go see a movie with a huffalump in it. Also, elephants on parade from Dumbo. I hated that too, I think Disney loved torturing small children. I mean, a drunk Dumbo hallucinates a bunch of creepy bright elephants? And they were mean. And CREEPY. Those are my Disney fears.

I'm gonna respond to Morpheus's thread. When my uncle was murdered (In a very violent, gruesome way I won't even describe. I cried the first time my sister told me exactly what happened. Hell, I just started crying now thinking about how they killed him.) they sent only one of the three people to jail who did it, because they only had suffecient evidence on her. A 40 year old women killed my 30 year uncle alone? Anyway, by a few years, she was out of jail on parol. Seriously, its only been about 6 years since it happened, and she's been out for a while. I find that just... it makes me loose faith in our judicial system.

I'm getting tired of high school. Its not the homework or the tests, its the friggin drama. Everyday another friend is claiming to have some new mental illness or life threatening problem. One of my friends is starting to say she has "three people living inside her." Another one of my friends says she's stopped eating for two weeks now because she got dumped. And then she claimed her step dad was molesting her but later told us it was a lie. I mean.... ARGH! I'm just so tired of the cutters, the emos, the drugs. It makes me happy to start looking up colleges.

I'm afraid of the dark. Childish? Yes. Without reason? No. It started when I was ten. But that's a very long story. I'm also afraid of guys, but I'm working on that fear. I had a horrible nightmare the other night, though, where this guy pinned me down. Eek, I haven't been able to get it out of my head since. I'm frightened easily by loud noises and such, too.

I'D steal a Hello Kitty taxi. I'm not even that into Hello Kitty, but a Hello Kitty taxi would kick butt. I collect manga. Nothing interesting there. I have somewhere between 200-250 of them by now. Lots of different series, and they're fun to reread. Other than that, I could say, in a way, that I collect anything. I'm a huge packrat. Most of anyhting that goes in my room never leaves, it goes in a drawer in my closet. I have a lot of things in there I refuse to get rid of, regardless of their use to me.

I had an odd dream the other night. I dreamt I was at school, taking a scantron test. For some reason, probably because I had been inking a picture before I went to bed, the girl next to me was using ink with an ink well to take the test. I spilled ink on my test. Me: Teacher, can I get a new test? I spilled ink on mine. Teacher: No! Me: But.... :( but... :bawl: I got cheese on my pencil! I seriously help up a pencil with a bunch of melted cheddar on it then. I'm one strange cookie. Then there was this one dream. I dreamt I was on a roof top, staring down some guy. We both had swords. There were some of my friends hanging on the gallows in the distance. Suddenly the guy stabs me through the stomach! And I woke up with a sharp pain in my tummy, gasping. It was odd, but most likely all psychological.

*sigh* Me and Nathan met last year. *starry eyes* And I hated him for most of that time. He's a wee bit crazy, and when he gets depressed, he does odd stuff. Most of the time that I knew him, he was fighting with his girlfriend of the time, Melanie, because she was falling in love with some older guy. Another reason they fought once is because, in the middle of a fight at homecoming, me and him danced. When they were broken up for about four months, he finally got back to the way he was when I first met him and relatively calm. I wasn't interested because I was dating a senior. (What is with me and the older teens? I was 15 at that time, I'm sixteen now. The senior was eighteen, Nathan is seventeen. Anyway, that's the ages.) That senior cheated on me. My fault for dating a stoner, I guess. A day and a half after me and the senior broke up, me and Nathan started going out. A week later, Nathan dumped me. He said Melanie was still too on his mind and he didn't want to be with me if he wasn't 100% sure. That was about a week into December. Maybe the 9th or so? Between then and about the 27th, me and Nathan talked, saw eachother, *coughmadeoutcough*, and fell more and more in love. The 27th, he asked me out again. Saturday night, he called at midnight and dumped me, saying the same thing as last time. I'm a yoyo. And loving every minute of it. I really don't mind. I mean, I was sad when he dumped me, but I'll move on, and dumbly wait for him. I know a lot of my friends are gonna say I'm stupid, but I still love him. Which is weird, because we only went out for a month. I don't think he'd want to date me again, though. I bet this time he decided he hates me. But that might just be my insecurity talking, because I said the same thing last time.