wiccansamurai

This is just my newest picture I did on my computer...

I loved the poem. I had stopped mutilating, but now I have a fresh sca.... and a head ache. Damn it, nothing is going right. I liked the poem because its so truthful to the way it feels to open your skin up and let out all the negative feelings. Crap, here I go again, depressing myself even moe and making myself wanna do it. I really have to stop....

I know how you feel. Already, I've tried to kill myself twice. I love your poem, its almost as if its about me, but its not. I know how it feels to think to die would free you. I'm no saying that thats not true, because I'm not sure anymore.

I'm not going to be friends with him anymore. There's just too many creepy cases of things he's done to me and others. In the end, its just too much to deal with. I'm fine with guys with lewd jokes and all, but if they take it any farther than joking around, I'm tired of putting up with it. Guys can be stupid, I know, but I don't care, if they do anything I don't want them to, I'm going to be viscous (as soon as I gather the couage to tell someone about it, that is, lol) I'm going to ignore him at jazz band tomorrow.... no running away this time, walk straight by. Yeah right. I never have any confidence.

Here's a watercolor of mine I scanned.

i have an account name there that is the same name her, too. wiccansamurai all the way, I guess. I don't go on there much, now that they've changed the setup of everything. I liked how the chats were before when they were on there. The new chatboards there just annoy me now. And the fact I can't have hyperlinks anywhere.

Thanks. I was trying to do Noako Takeuchi's style, but in the end, I guess I should have used my own "voice" like in most of my pictures. I'll post them up once I'm done with a decent one.

It just really stinks that I sit all through jazz band with an adrenaline buzz because I really like jazz band. The music is fun and I'd rather want to concentrate on it more than the fact Sean is sitting directly behind me. At least this time he knew I would of slapped him if so much as his trombone came anywhere near me. He's only lucky his senior section leader, my older brother hasn't heard about this.

Yeah. Anyway, at jazz band, I was walking down the auditorium and the hallway was empty. The I saw him heading towards the band room. I was so scared, I didn't want to be anywhere near him alone, so I turned around and bolted. He didn't really seem confused so maybe he knows why I was scared, but neither did he seem to care all that much. I just darted into the instrument locker room and waited until he was on the other side of the room to run back to the auditorium. Even though I laughed about it with my friends, I guess I still really am really scared. Maybe I'm just weak like that.

I normally scan it and use photoshop. But if you can't do that or would rather not, I'd suggest colored pencils. My favorite has always been watercolor pencils, because they can be used as either normal colored pencils or as watercolors. Plus, they're really fun!

It's Princess Serena! I hope this shows up...

:) thanx anyway. I'll probably end up doing something stupid at jazz band... Anyway, I even think I have a teacher on my side. She overheard me and Justin talking (and laughing) about it. I hope this all sorts itself out so I never really have to talk to him. I was so close to slapping him in the hallway today, nevermind that my archnemesis (I've always wanted to use that word) Rachel was walking down the hall. Or maybe because she was there, to show here how much stronger I had gotten since I stopped being held onto friendship with her. Her mom made me... don't ask, its a long, unrelated story.

I feel much better!!! I told one of my friends, Justin (Who ended up telling half the school, but oh well) and it just became this whole joke, but not in a bad way. I don't feel as scared, and if Sean (that'd be his name) comes anywhere near me, he's getting slapped. I found out, he does have a girlfriend, was trying to get back at her for something. He also was jealous that Justin and his girlfriend were making out and wanted to make out with someone. For some reason, I was the obvious choice. Anyway, my friends can't believe how stupid I was to try to fall asleep there, but we all just kinda laughed. I have to go to jazz band, but he'll be there. As I said, if he come anywhere near me, I'll slap him. I feel much better. I only saw Sean briefly in the hallway twice, but I didn't say anything, I just ignored him.

I don't think I'll be his friend. If he tries anything on me again. he's getting slapped. Or so I say, but I've never slapped a guy before.... I shoulda slapped him long ago, too. I kinda thought it wasn't too bad when he was slapping my *** cuz he did that to brit and another girl, too. But I hope he hasn't done this to too many other girls... I'll ask his 2 exs what happened with them.

I don't know, I'm not good with talking to teachers and adults or anything like that. I always end up crying when i don't want to or saying the wrong thing and making me come out as the bad one. I'm scared no one will understand what I'm trying to say. I wonder if the girls sitting in the next seat saw any of that? If they did, they must of thought I was asleep. My brother was so close, and when I turned around to talk to him, he didn't want to talk. We're twins, and we used to know eachother's thoughts pratically. I wish he coulda stopped it. I'm just rambling.

He thinks I was asleep the whole time... i don't wanna tell ne1 i wasn't, cuz they'll just think I'm a complete slut. I don't wanna hurt him, yet, anyway. I don't know if he's had previous problems. I know his girlfriend wouldn't tell me why she broke up with him, but i'm going to casually ask her about it monday.

It's very hard to kick him in the nuts.... i tried when he started smacking my butt. He has good reflexes and's stronger than me... I don't know, when anything has ever happened, I've never told anyone. Something like this kinda happened in fifth grade when an eigth grader kissed me, which was a big thing for a fifth grader, but then he said later he never did that... i dont know, I may have made that up in the back of my head... maybe i'm the crazy one...

there's only two sousaphones.... and i happen to be friends with the scary one. what the hell is up with this, do all the guys think that since im ugly, im easy, or sumthing? and as far as your siggy goes with the piccahoes, im a saxabooby. not all the tromboners are bad, i know all of them cuz my bro is the section leader. its mostly just s. i dont know.

its not that the ex who doesn't like me isn't my friend, she is, just when i talk to her i can tell she just wants me to go away. And he doesn't even know I realized what he was doing. As i said, he thought I was asleep the whole time. after i said no cuz i had a boyfriend, that was after i had told kristin that zach was confusing me, so s said "But thats not really decided, is it?" hes so creepy. and chibi, the tuba player is just about as scary as him, lol. not that i am laughing.... sigh

I dont know... im gonna ask his ex something. I asked her why she broke up with him and she said that i would understand if I knew what had happened on the bus. She doesn't really like me all that much, so she wouldn't tell me. But his other ex might tell me why she broke up with him, she's my friend. I'm scared of what everyone would think if they heard I did almost nothing to stop what happened.

I tried that with the slapping my butt thing, but he didnt stop, just started to do it more. i just wanna void him for a while. marching band is almost over, and we have a choice about going to the away play off games, so i just wont go. i can avoid him at the home games. he wasnt really making moves on me, he thought i was asleep. and i didnt mean to lead him on, it was just sooooo cold last night, and he was one of the few warm people around. as soon as sum1 gave me a little hand warmer thingy, i used that instead.

i dont wanna mention it to him, becuz last time i mentioned sumthing like this to him, he kept on doing it... that was with him slapping my butt. he stopped that, after i asked him for the hundreth time.

I wanna keep being his friend, tho... and i dont know, it was my fault for leading him on. i had my hands on his neck all night, cuz my hands were cold and his neck was warm. i was leading him on, and maybe him having his hand on my.... was an accident... i dont know, and i just feel sick to my stomach thinking about it.

I was on the bus ride home from band last night, and i was sitting with my friend, s. we normally fall asleep on eachother. Then he said "If we were a boyfriend girlfriend thing, i would do this" And acts like he was going to put his face in my breast. I pulled away and said that was weird, and went back to trying to sleep. then he asked me out and i said no, cuz, as he already knew, i have a boyfriend. Then he told me a few minutes later that he only meant at band. i said he was confusing me and we dropped it. i pretended to go to sleep becuz i didnt wan t to talk about it anymore. But he started to scare me. he fingered my side, not near to anything, tho, and played around with my hand. then he would lift up hs head and smell my hair or kiss my forehead, but i continued to play sleeping. i was too scared to do anything. then sum1 gave me an excuse to pretend to have woken up, so i sat up, edged to the end of the seat. i couldnt switch seats, there was no room. so i tried to talk to sum1. no1 wanted to talk to me. so when s told me to go back to sleep against him (which was really creepy) i had no excuse and no courage to say no. and he had his fingers on my side again, which, in itself, wouldnt be too bad, but he moved his fingers up until... they were on, you know? then i sat up really fast and said i wasnt tired anymore, cuz i was too scared. He couldn't have thought i was asleep by then, so why the hell did he do that? So i cried a lot today. am i making a big deal out of nothing?

Hollow Heart I put myself together using glue and tape Thinking I was whole When really out of shape Thinking I could walk away without falling apart but I broke into pieces to find A hollow heart