Mimmsicle

[size=1][color=darkred][b]"Dan"[/b] It's amazing how your stories can seem like the are scattered, yet pulls together and when you've finished reading? it all makes sense.[/color][quote]And where are you going?[/quote][color=darkred]I like how you've incorporated more than one voice, though I am not sure how many there are. Maybe it's all Dan, different voices of awareness. Much like the "Phoenix" story, a trail of thought that changes as it goes.[/color][quote]And still stands a boy weathered by time. [/quote][color=darkred]Another line that hits where it's supposed to. [/color] **********[color=darkred] [b]"Of Boys and Men"[/b] (or "O.o") [/color] [quote]Shall I sum it up in a few sentences? Why, certainly?I was once a child. The child's dead. [/quote] [color=darkred] The second story was gold up until this point. After this it is [i]still[/i] a good story, well? actually [b]two[/b] good stories. But I don't think they should go together. They're too far apart to be meshed, two alternating dimensions, if you will. The first part is very "thought based", meaning it's thoughts flying in a mind (the writers or the readers). Whereas the second one is diary/letter based. Both work splendidly on their own? and now I'm only repeating myself, so I hope you get what I mean. [/color] **********[color=darkred] [b]"Devoid and what not"[/b] This one is the most straightforward thing I've read from you, I think. That makes it sound like it would be dull and have lost some magic, but it hasn't. It's peaceful, elegant and easy to follow. Very much like that moment you drift off to sleep. You don't go off on any tangents in this one, you stay in one thought and go with that. And you do it very well. Lovely work, Mitch. Simply Lovely. - Mimmi[/size][/color]

[COLOR=darkred]Sorry Shin =^_^= I guess you could always brag about the fact that you got my juices flowing.... O.o Boy did that come out wrong O.o; On to the story ! >__> I know you've revised it and put it on your [URL=http://www.myotaku.com/users/shinmaru/]MyO[/URL] but I'll run with things here as well ^_^ [/COLOR] [quote]?Something I should have done long ago. I?m putting someone else in charge of this mission. Somebody I know will get the job done.? A door opens and two men enter the room. The one on the left was a tall American; one of the few Americans left in the Syndicate. His dark brown eyes gazed lazily around the room as he swept a hand softly through his messy brown hair. He was dressed in all black, except for the red tie he bore on his chest. The one on the right had long black hair and piercing black eyes?his eyes never stopped for a moment as they sweeped the room frantically, looking for anything out of the ordinary. He too was dressed all in black, but he had a far more sinister look and feel to him. They walked right up to Joseph and stood in front of the captain.[/quote][color=darkred]Break it up before the door opens. Some of the drama is lost when it's all scrunched together. In my humble opinion ^_^;[/color] [quote]The captain?s eyes widened slightly, before he felt a slight pressure on his throat. The cold steel of Kataki?s sword moved swiftly across the captain?s throat, dropping several pints of blood onto the dark floor.[/quote][color=darkred]Use "neck" [size=1](instead of throat)[/size] in either of the two lines, to avoid repetition >_> That's all for today ^_^; .....So there's more ?... Why is it now up yet ? .... How long will you keep me in suspense !? ;] - Mimmi[/color]

[size=1] [color=darkred]I'm not going to scrutinize any of the stories, I will simply point out what caught my attention. Starting off with [b]"Herb"[/b][/color][quote]Time numbs. Time dumbs. Time's bondage can break and make and shake a person's uneven core. Time is endless and groping. Time is a pendulum racking to and fro, back and to; and in each fell swipe, in each pendumlum's throe, there is the second's death, and the minute's waste, and the hour's moan. And in each throe, in each ululation, time is knowing of its doing. Each second a human's heart beats, it's another beat to the last. Another prick, another preen, another tally to time's perpetual preservation, perseverance; another less second and another less heart beat to our deaths away and passed.[/quote][color=darkred]I like how you presented the old writer and the air/feel that surrounds such a person, but that which I quoted, stood out the most for me. It was very clear, straightforward. There was nothing excessive about how you presented it. That?s how I picture personal writing to be, a flow of ideas and passion for what you make of it.[/color][quote]He wrote and wrote. And when he stopped, it felt like he had began.[/quote] [color=darkred]This made me smile, inside and out. There's pure beauty/truth/life in that single line. [/color] [center][b]**********[/center][/b][color=darkred] [b]"Marta"[/b] I loved the entire piece. How, at first, others write your story (parents, society etc), but then you have the choice to write it yourself. I can't pick out a single line or paragraph, because the whole story is a favourite line. It felt different from what you have written previously, even though there is the characteristic "Mitch stuff" in it. I loved the repetitive emphasis, the beat/rhythm of the story, how you gave life to it. Because it felt very much alive, untainted ? yet colored by something. It was and is.[/color] [center][b]**********[/center][/b][color=darkred] [b]"Phoenix and I"[/b] In the "Phoenix" story you have the elements which you have used before (the twisted and distorted) but you have made it? I don't know how to describe it properly. It's not scary, it welcomes you in. I think you've managed pretty well in writing a different story into the "actual" story (starting with the fire and then introducing the story with the man) and tying the two together. [/color] [quote]Walt. My thoughts turned to that transcendentalist Walt Whitman, and again my mind was at work using humor to lighten things up?to kill away how crazy this man seemed, how lost and cracked. O captain my captain, that one poem went. I wanted to shout it out then and there?wanted to yawp?and bust out in song and poetic demur. Again I smiled, fighting off and arresting my laughter. No Laughter, that's a bad boy, a very bad boy. You're under arrest, and anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law. And there the handcuffs would be pulled around Laughter, and my vocal cords?which were straining to crackle with Laughter?and to jail, behind cold steel bars Laughter would go. Three square meals a day of bread and water and rocks. A hard bed with broken coils, and a tempting window which would show light?the light of freedom, and what could?what would've happened?if laughter hadn't been such a bad little boy. My thoughts were trailing again. So much that I was starting to think I was mad, and that I was only seeing this Walt's madness because I wanted to see it. [/quote] [color=darkred]I like how you've included the thought process fully. Rarely does one think "this guy is insane", there's always an amount of further thought. Thoughts that connect to other ideas/thoughts and so on. I enjoyed reading it like that. [/color] [center][b]**********[/center][/b][color=darkred] In conclusion, I really enjoy reading this new style you're exploring. If you want to know how you can improve, then you will have to ask someone else. Whatever standards I usually apply when reading a story is impossible to use on your stories. Because they fall outside of my "traditional way" of analyzing something. I just want to read what you've written, let it do what it's set out to do and be content with that. - Mimmi ^__^[/color] Yes. I wrote this in a haze of fever, so it probaly makes no sense. But I wanted to do it, so now it is done.[/size]

[COLOR=darkred]It's a good story, but I feel that a few things stick out. Forgive me while I pretend to go critical :p [/COLOR] [quote]A young man stands on the very edge of a rooftop as the sun sets on the horizon. The dark red rays of the setting sun mesh perfectly with his crimson red hair as it flows with the slight wind that is blowing softly.[/quote][COLOR=darkred]It feels a bit much repeating the sun twice, maybe you could find another way to approach that description of the scene ? And put in a comma ?[/COLOR] [quote]?You can try to fool us all you like, but we?re well aware of how dangerous you can be, Hazuki!?[/quote][COLOR=darkred]Sorry Shin, but that felt really corny ^_^; The first part of the line is perfect, but try to revise the latter part. "[i]We know your game[/i]" or something to that effect. Make them emphasize that they know he's dangerous, but have them say it in a way that highlights how aware they [i]think[/i] they are.[/COLOR] [quote]?I do not believe that you are taking this seriously at all, Mr. Hazuki.? Shinmaru laughs, a laugh of a man on the edge of life and death.[/quote] [COLOR=darkred]You need to add that it's the soldier saying that line, it comes off rather odd as it is now. [/COLOR][quote]?Yes, sir,? [u]came[/u] the answer from the communicator. After a few seconds, two starships [u]come[/u] flying out from behind the building and give chase to Shin?s ship.[/quote][COLOR=darkred]Past and present tense, or whatever it's called in English ^_^; Maybe I'm just being picky >_>; I'll get round to the last part later today, I need to read it over again. Overall it's a great story, Shin ! Is there more ? ~_^ - Mimmi [/COLOR]

[COLOR=darkred]That story was both sweet, funny and disturbingly desirable.... or maybe it's just my hormones again >_>; It was great how you wrote it from the guy's point of view, I liked that. Excellent writing, recognizable plot[size=1] (to some extent)[/size] and .... everything else that elates this to it's rightful place, among the stars ~_^ - Mimmi[/COLOR]

[COLOR=darkred]Very nice Edit, Shin ^___^ It was the little piece that was missing for me, and I'm glad you only did that split-second reaction, instead of drawing it out and having Jacob go [i]overboard[/i] on the drama. Because [b]that[/b] would've ruined it for sure [i]*cringes at thought*[/i] Always a pleasure reading your writing, especially when I get to experience different aspects of it ~_^ - Mimmi[/COLOR]

[COLOR=darkred]I really enjoyed reading it with the accent added into it. Since there isn't that much description of the surrounding, it helps to visualize the story somehow. You chose an interesting way to start the story off, beginning after something has happened and leaving before explaining fully what happened before the story began.... yeah. Good way to catch the interest and keep it ~_^ - Mimmi[/COLOR] [SIZE=1][b]William Faulkner. [/b][i]"The Sound and the Fury".[/i] That's the one ^_^ My dad had to read it for some reason and he showed it to me. I think I shall give it a read, now that he's done with it ~_^[/SIZE]

[COLOR=darkred]I think it's because, compared to the other two, the face is slightly compressed. Or at least it comes off as such to my untrained eyes. And you've placed the chin on the outside of the neck, unlike with the first two. Don't know if I make much sense now ^_^; But like I stated in the first post I made, it only looks "off" on a quick glance. When you actually look at it, then it's fine. - Mimmi ^_^[/COLOR]

[QUOTE][i]Originally posted by Shinmaru [/i] [B] There are quite a few references to it in the poem if they catch your eye *hint hint* ~_^[/B][/QUOTE] [COLOR=darkred]I've never read it, but I'm guessing you're referring to "Catcher in the Rye" ? (sp?) [/COLOR] [QUOTE][i]Originally posted by Shinmaru [/i] [B]The desire to want is what sometimes keeps us from getting what we want, I think. We are so caught up in what we think we want that we lose all rationale and that's kind of what I was going for here. Of course, it's also good to have dreams and to want to go after them - however, dreams are a double-edged sword. [/B][/QUOTE] [COLOR=darkred]I heard what you we're saying Shin, I just wanted to hear you say it ^__^ If you have more poems, then I would very much like to read them. They seem to have a positive effect on my desire for a brain ~_^ - Mimmi[/COLOR]

[COLOR=darkred]Ooooooo ! This is a great short, Shin ^__^ You've built it up nicely, making it out to be a peaceful/dull situation and then slowly dawning the reader on what is to come. Ending it with the killer blow, so to speak. The only thing I'm missing is some sort of "final reaction" from Jacob after he is shot [size=1](is he stunned, despairing etc)[/size]. It falls a bit flat when you withhold that information. In my humble opinion ^_^; Other than that, it sent a chill down my spine and turned my stomach into knots as I read it O.o - Mimmi[/COLOR]

[COLOR=darkred]Just tried it out and it seems to be working fine. At first I irked at the character limit, but I guess deeper discussion about a drawing is best carried out via e-mail ^_^ - Mimmi[/COLOR]

[COLOR=darkred][b]Good thing I can count on Karmi to save my analytical weakness[/b] ;) [i]*feels discussion urge come onto her*[/i] [/color][color=indigo] Are you saying that we should ignore what we feel, because the pain isn't worth it ? Should we give up on what we want, simply because we can't have it ? Do you mean that we can smother these things and keep going.... with what ? If there is no desire, want, need and difficulty ... what is left ? What is it you mean we should use, work with ? [/color] [color=darkred] ..... Heh, that was just me playing intellectual and passionate.[size=1] (feel free to ignore that, I was just having fun :p) [/size] Here's a somewhat more basic reply: [/color][quote]"We all want something fair We all want what's never there We all want better lives We all want the butterflies"[/quote][color=darkred] Yes, fantasies are easier to live with - beauty seems so painfree. [/color][quote]"Just ignore the pangs, they'll go away Just ignore the needs, they'll go away Just ignore the desires, they'll go away Just ignore the wants, they'll go away"[/quote][color=darkred] Live in the present, take what you can get and make that as desirable as what you dream of. Or.... make your fantasies reality and live in that. - Mimmi ^___^[/COLOR]

[COLOR=darkred][b]Leaving Kiss [/b] I can read this in two ways ? she had hopes for this person to return her affections, but was turned down and the rejection killed her. It can also be taken quite literally, she was taken advantage of and died. The way you wrote it, with symbolism or whatever one would like to call it, was simply perfect. Beautiful ! [b]Falling Out[/b] When you love someone and fall out, you wish that you could hate them ? because it would make detachment and separation so much easier. You want to bleed out the pain, let the memories wash out of you. [b]Catalyst of the Heart[/b] What can I say ? Sweet, pure [size=1](but not too innocently sweet ~_^)[/size] and envy-able. ; ] [b]Tell Them All[/b] This can be read as a flight from what hurt, scared and disturbed the deceased. But also as ? the person chose to end those things. Surrounded by the ?scribbling and sketches?, reflections on paper, affirming the truths as was seen by the dead. Comforted to a sleep where those truths were also reality. [b]Sick[/b] The last one screamed primal, raw power. Turning the tables, as it is called, and feeling the pleasure that was pain inflicted on you. Very explosive. Karma - I am lost for better words and analytical skills.[i] *bows*[/i] - Mimmi [/COLOR]

[COLOR=darkred]I have absolutely nothing to say about the first one, simply because I think you did splendidly on it. Proportions, texture etc. It looks very much like an actual photograph... of [b]you[/b] come to think of it ^_^ [b]The second one:[/b] Really lovely Aeris drawing [size=1](I know some people spell it Aerith, or something, but I'm sticking to my spelling ;] )[/size] Again you've kept your original style and that gave it that extra bit of [b]oomph.[/b] The only thing I'd like to comment on is her hair, where the pony tail takes off from the rest of her head.... ehm, yeah. It could be more defined, because as of now it's difficult to see where it starts and not. That's my only iffy comment. [b]The last one:[/b] At first I had a proportion issue with it, but now when I look at it... I see that it suits the character. Gives it more of a ... naughty (?) edge ~_^ Very good drawn, I love the butterfly-esque wings and tatooed-like "clothing". [b]You're doing great, my Queen !! [i]*bows*[/i][/b] - Mimmi[/COLOR]

[COLOR=darkred]I will not analyze the poem, Shin. At least not in depth *rolls eyes* ;] Even though it rhymes, it does not come off as mundane or repetitive. It acts as emphasis instead. It is not too emotional, yet not devoid from feelings. You've achieved a balance of sort. I liked it a lot Shin, you have a nice approach to poetry[i] *nods approvingly*[/i] - Mimmi ^__^[/COLOR]

[COLOR=darkred]Solo, I'm [b]loving[/b] my cameo ! [i]*flashes him a big sweet, innocent grin*[/i] I'm also very, very scared of that Agent Smith O.o Reading that l33t made me very appreciative of the English language ~_^ You Rock, Solo ^__^ - Mimmi[/COLOR]

[QUOTE][i]Originally posted by Lady Asphyxia [/i] [size=1]?May I ask you a question, Mr. Carmichael?? she asked, clenching her teeth and speaking in as sweet and unaccusing voice as possible. She hated these old coots, she really did. She didn?t understand why they wouldn?t just give up and move into a home. Oh, she hadn?t always felt that way. When she?d began her career as a social welfare officer, she?d dreamt of helping these poor people, of providing them with comfort and understanding. But she?d wasted twelve years of her life trying to help people who didn?t want help, of listening to complaints and insults with her teeth gritted and her smile plastered in place. [/size][/QUOTE] [COLOR=darkred]My only objection to this lovely piece, is this paragraph. It feels like it should be divided into two, after the "Oh, she hadn't always felt that way". It gets lost otherwise, somehow. In my humble opinion ^_^; It is a very sweet piece, despite the bitternes balancing in it [lemons, very nice symbolism]. I realise that it was for an assignment, but if you should ever go back to it, it could benefit even more from fleshing out. There's no end to the possibilities ! ^__^ - Mimmi[/COLOR]

[COLOR=darkred]I will just add my scribblings of thoughts on this story. I think Raiha and Lady A can debate without me just fine ^_^;[/color] [color=darkblue][b][size=1][insert any and all description made on Lena][/size][/b] He gives her life from the getgo. she does not send these vibes off herself, but they are implemented on her as she is described. She is courteous when she speaks, but doesn't have to come off as being cold, since you hint of no particular emotion or tone. Unless you take these examples into consideration:[/color] [quote]?I do not appreciate your tone, Jason. And if you would, I prefer the term, ?android,? or, ?synthetic person.?? "And yes, I do acknowledge the comical similarity to our detainment centers.? ?I am unsure how to respond to this, Jason.? ?Shh. It?s all right. I understand. No need to become flustered. Let?s go to your bedroom.? She takes a moment to adjust, then kisses me gingerly on the lips.[/quote][color=darkblue] 1. Offence - hurt feelings ? 2. Ironic - humor, trying to lighten the mood 3. Uncertainty - caught off-guard. Admitting this allows him to convince her, a weakness on her part ?? 4. An android detached from emotion would never, ever say "Shh" or any of those "soft reassurances". End of point. 5. No comment needed here. See previous statement. By not placing her too firmly as ... well, anything, the reader can make up their own mind of whether or not she is stale as old cheese, or possess the sweetly manners of any "normal woman"[/color] [quote] "The birds chirping wake me up, but it?s not a loud awakening. It?s the peaceful and soft stirring that comes with?Heaven."[/quote][color=darkblue] I can't quite explain it, but there's a subtle hint there. [/color][quote] ?I know. I have never said this before, either, but I have never felt this way before. My emotion chipset does not allow for this, but, Jason, I love you, too.?[/quote][color=darkblue] She is supposed to kill you-- I mean him, in a humane way, right ? So by declaring her love to him, it becomes more acceptable to die by her hand.... maybe, I'm just running with things in my head right now ^_^;[/color] [quote] "Her hand grips me tighter."[/quote][color=darkblue] The tightening of the hands worked like an emphasis, for me. Both in that she claims to love him and to confirm her agenda. [/color] [color=darkred] This is short and I haven't built off on what anyone's said previously, sorry. ^_^; - Mimmi[/COLOR]

[COLOR=darkred][i]"Someone obviously needs their rabies shot"[/i] - Mimmi[/COLOR]

[color=darkred]I'll write everything in spoiler tags, that way I can make sure I don't spoil it for anyone (haha)[spoiler] When Tobias was [b]Searched[/b], it was difficult keeping track of who was a dragon and who wasn't at first. But that's because the names are so unusual and I get confused easily ^_^; [b]The Farewell "chapter"[/b] felt very sweet, without being sickly. I didn't think Tobias would be a whiner, so it was nice to see that you took the more mature road with him ^_^ [b]Impressed[/b] - apart from thinking that [b]Tiyanni[/b] was a student that wanted the firefly [size=1](told you I get confused easily)[/size] it was a really good read. I could [i]feel[/i] the uneasy atmosphere of kids getting out of control, like they do when it's something they want ~_^ [b]Impressed 2[/b] - I had to read it twice, to get the part where the dragons teased Tobias. I couldn't remember the names, so I couldn't make out who/what they were at first ^_^; [b]The Merrameth chapter[/b]. I had a smile on my face when I read that. It was so endearing to see these 3 characters interract. [b]Flight[/b] - once again I got confused at the part where Tobias thinks about what gender "human" (?) rides what gender dragon ^_^; But I was really tired when I read all of this, so don't take my confusion to heart ^_^ [b]Flight 2[/b] - was the last thing I read, since I didn't know where to go on from there. [/spoiler] It's been good fun reading this so far, the story flows effortlessly and I never lost interest for a second. The characters are drawn out very nicely, like I've said with earlier appearances. Maybe not much of an analysis, but hey ^_^ Oh yeah, words that confused me.... basically the words that aren't in a dictionary ^__^ Like [b]Weyr[/b], all the names of the dragons/humans/places, [B]Searched, Impressed[/b] etc. Just a brief note about the words, or happenings, would help first time readers ^_^; - Mimmi[/color]

[QUOTE][i]Originally posted by PoisonTongue [/i] [B]?Star[/b]s[b] Buck[/b]ing The World?[/B][/QUOTE] [color=darkblue]Starbucks. I figured you could pull something like that, so that's why it struck me =P[/color] [QUOTE][b] A mermaid to me now doth call, Drawing me close with her pearly ball, Sending my senses to disarray, But here I move closer, and not away.[/B][/QUOTE] [color=darkblue] Dunno about this one, but it made me think of [i]the Sirens[/i]. You know, you're supposed to steer clear of them - I'm guessing if you're in need of coffee, the scent of it is like a Siren calling. But... I'm sure I'm getting things wrong, so I'll move on ^_^;[/color] [QUOTE][b] Her scent is enchanting me, Playing honey to my bee, As louder grows my buzz, And longer go, the urge still does. [/B][/QUOTE] [color=darkblue] Coffee smells nice. And if you're addicted to the stuff, the scent of those beans really takes you by the hand and leads you to the counter. So to speak. [/color][QUOTE][b] My body has usurped control, The lower mind with the winning roll, And before her now I stand, With my tender well in hand. [/B][/QUOTE][color=darkblue][i]"The lower mind"[/i]... I first made the connection to another area, but seeing as I'm now thinking coffe...Hrm. Yes. [i]"Tender well in hand"[/i]. I checked my dictionary and I now think of money, instead of.... when did my mind get this dirty ? :therock: [/color] ********** [color=darkred] Ehm, that's about as far as I can get right now, sleep deprived as I am. Though I doubt I could've done any better with a clear mind. ^_^; It's interesting to see the first draft. You've not made many changes, there was a clear vision from the beginning and a straight forward execution of it. At least to me it looks like that. Compared to what my scribblings look like =P - Mimmi[/color]

[QUOTE][i]Originally posted by Semjaza Azazel [/i] [B]I don't have anything I need medicine for, personally. However, my girlfriend has diabetes. The insulin and such are ridiculously expensive without insurance. This became an issue when her mother lost her job several months back. The family health insurance went with it. Almost everything they had went to paying for the supplies she basically needed to stop herself from simply dying. Luckily her mom got a new job and things are back to normal. Anyway, that's the end of my story. I just find it kind of sad, really. I find it hard to believe that these supplies should cost as much as they do. [/B][/QUOTE] [COLOR=darkred]I just wanted to add, in referance to the cost of medical supplies, that in Sweden we have a system that builds on discount [size=1](or however I should explain it)[/size] When you've bought medicine for about 200 $, you get a 50 % discount on future purchases. If you reach 400 $, you get a "free pass". Meaning you don't pay for the medicine. [b]But[/b] this only applies for [i]certain medication[/i], and for a 12 month period. And I gather that most medicine is so expensive, that this system doesn't offer enough help [i]*shrugs*[/i] I believe that there is something called [b]Medicaid[/b] in the USA [size=1](Lea told me a little about this)[/size]. Could anyone explain further what that means, what it builds on ? - Mimmi[/COLOR]

[COLOR=indigo]This is a very promising start ! The only thing I'd like to see, is some kind of? dictionary, so to speak, in the beginning of the story. Knowing what certain things are before reading it, makes it easier to follow the story. At least in my opinion ^_^; It surprised me that [spoiler]Tobias was mute[/spoiler], but it makes for an even more interesting character[size=1] (oh, the fascination of communication [i]*grins*[/i]). [/size] I felt that the people introduced so far all had a "backdrop/background" to them, they came off as [b]real[/b]. [size=1]( or maybe I just have a great imagination after all ;P )[/size] This is only a reflection of what you've posted [i]here[/i], I shall now read the rest. Mwuahahaha... [i]*cough*[/i] ~_^ - Mimmi [/COLOR]

[COLOR=darkred]So what is the latest on the banner/avi ? RPCrazy ? PT ? - Mimmi[/COLOR]

[COLOR=darkred][b]" The search for Santa continues...."[/b] or something along those lines :p But I have to say that Vicky's was brilliant (Tigger and Pooh) !! - Mimmi[/COLOR]