Chikara Kokoro

Okay, just be positive that you're making this the best that you can. I still think that the whole Apan thing is strange since Japan is an Asian country. I can't understand why you feel the need to distinguish the two. If this is the story you believe in then you should definitely stick with it, but at this stage you should consider changing some things about it. No idea is perfect, right?

Here are my two attempts. I hope you like them. On the second one I figured it was purple enough without the text being purple as well. Let me know if you want anything changed. [IMG]http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v281/Pomato/jingava1.png[/IMG] [IMG]http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v281/Pomato/jingava.png[/IMG]

This seems entirely too much like a role-playing game. It?s good that you have developed this so much, but don?t let the fantasy element overtake the characters or the story in its level of importance. With the four different worlds and the gods residing on a different planet, the whole set up sounds exactly like a of role-playing game board I?ve visited before. It might be a good idea to change the name Laois as it?s one letter away from being an actual country. Perhaps you shouldn?t stereotype the different characters so much. It?s all right to have a standard personality, but it?s far more interesting when people step outside of the norm. Your basic theme reminds me of the The Silmarillion. This is not a good thing, trust me. Why are all of your main characters of the same race? You have so much information on the others, and it would be neat to see the different interactions between the four races. There has to be a percentage of people who don?t care if the magick wielders are supposedly better than they are. Not everyone in this world can possibly be that insecure with themselves. Finding and befriending the people of other races who don?t hate the seven?s guts would be a nice side-plot and would give you the potential for more emotional conflict. The idea that only one of them being left is good. Still, like I said before, you shouldn?t make everyone of the other three races be completely heartless. Based on the small amount of information given, the characters seem very one-dimensional. I find this strange since you have developed everything else so much. Be sure to have more sides to the characters than you have listed here or this story will become a story that is only about the setting. Go to [URL=http://www.ifvchicago.com/process/wr_characters_questions.shtml]this site (click)[/URL] and try to fill out the form for each of your main characters. It helps quite a bit with developing realism in your characters since you have to think of how your characters would act in many different situations. You?ve thought about this idea, and it shows. There are a few things that need tweaking, but you?re mostly where you need to be in terms of plot.

When I first saw this title I thought it would be a Sephiroth doujinshi. Be warned that my sadness over that this isn?t might come through in my critique :p It sounds like an intriguing story, but I hope you don?t over-explain the parodies when you create the manga. Yet it works here since you can?t show when you?re kidding through facial expressions or anything. In this instance the comments are quite welcome. This is a creative parody in my mind, but it might be my inner ?Brave New World? and ?The Giver? fangirl speaking. The name Aden is great. With little touches like that throughout the story you?ll definitely be much better off than others. That whole paragraph about how the stardrive works bored me so much. I sincerely hope that you aren?t planning on explaining that in the manga. It would be much better, in my opinion, if you kept most of the pseudo-science facts to yourself. I am so glad that the whole ?universal translator? thing bothers other people. I?m imagining the people walking around with a dictionary while talking to these aliens, but that?s probably not what?s going on. It just seems strange to me. Would the aliens have already met other humans? How are the Adenites making all of these warships if they?re using only ?nature friendly technologies?? It seems strange that a community like that would be so technologically advanced. [quote name='Anqueetus']Earth is the Gods, using humans to keep up with their technology using genetic enhancements. They developed nano technology so far that they can hack matter, so long as their fortitude can handle it.[/quote] You lost me. I just don?t understand what you?re trying to say. Is the soul of planet Earth a god? You said before that these people from Earth had privative technology. Do you mean it seems privative in comparison to that of the Adenites? Because in comparison to our world it still sounds far ahead in technological terms. That just confused me and could do with some explaining. You had me with this idea until you mentioned all of the different races on the Planet of the Magi. It is just a very overdone idea. Maybe it?s just done a lot in the things I read, but it is done quite a bit nonetheless. For the most part this is a good idea, but there are some parts that seem to lapse into being way too much sci-fi for my tastes. At the beginning it was clearly a parody, yet over the course of your description you seemed to get more and more serious about it. Is the whole thing really a parody?

I am well aware that you probably don?t like me all that much. I?ve been kind of harsh to your manga ideas in the past, but I want you to understand that these are just my opinions. Please read all of this, and at least try to see where I?m coming from with what I?m saying. First and foremost, you should probably learn to stick to one idea and make it the best you possibly can instead of starting something new whenever you get a bad critique. It just seems that you've been discarding all of your old ideas without a second thought. I'm not saying that they needed to be saved, but any bad story can be made into a gem with enough work. The most glaring issue in this idea are the ?Apans.? It took me a while to be certain that you were being serious about this. Japan, despite being an island, is considered to be a part of the continent of Asia. What is the point of wasting the money to be able to molecularly fuse two people together when you can just let them have babies the old fashioned way, anyways? In addition, if you fuse an Asian person and a Japanese person together you could very well get another Japanese person. Note that I said ?person,? molecularly fused humans will still be humans. If you fused them with panda bears on the other hand... The whole ?Apan? thing seems insulting to Asians in general, but I can?t say that I?m personally offended since I?m not Asian. The characters aren?t exactly what I?d call realistic. Try to avoid the extremes like ?the smartest kid? or ?the best fighter? because they can make the character too perfect. In spite of what most people who make perfect characters think, characters without flaws are often disliked, or even hated, by readers. ?True warriors guide to the untouchable? seems like a book based on fighting members of the lowest level of the caste system in India, but I imagine that wasn?t what you were going for. I was just wondering what you actually meant by that title. Why would anyone (other than America) overthrow the Japanese government to make it a democracy ? Somehow I think that it would be more fun to take over the government and become the Emperor of Japan, but that might just be me. What I?m about to say might offend you, but just hear me out. This idea would be incredible as a satire of the viewpoint of the average American teen. The ignorance and the clichés, it?s to such an extreme that I wondered if this was done as a joke. Taking it just as it is now and adding a little bit of irony and smarmy dialogue would make this story fantastic. I know I would read it. There is so much potential for this with just that change that I had to tell you. I truly believe that this story could be amazing if you're willing to poke fun at your own idea.

It's nearly impossible for anyone to give real feedback on this with so little to go off of. Write the story. Make it not take place in Japan. Change the title accordingly. That's all I can say. I would like to say more, possibly positive, things, but how can I when you aren't even willing to write up information on the manga idea before you try to start a topic about it?

My only experience with the spelling be was in fifth grade when I was the representative for my elementary school in the district bee. I proceeded to spell "maccaroni" wrong in the practice round. Ever since then I've watched the National Spelling Bee on ESPN, and I've really enjoyed it. Where else could I have discovered my favorite word griffonage? They sure do love their French spelling tricks on those things. It is so impressive that you're going to the national level. Best of luck to you, and maybe I'll see you on TV. ^^b

Your best bet for finding out of print books would most likely be Half Price Books or a privately owned book/comic store. Mainstream bookstores usually don't sell books that are out of print, but privately owned bookstores are more likely to buy used, out of print books. Even that leaves a slim chance for finding the particular book that you're looking for. When all else fails, E-bay and Amazon are the most reliable sources for second-hand books online (imho)

My favorite number is 6, and I don't think that makes me satanistic in the slightest :p I'm almost always the 6th on the role call at school. It's kind of bizzare really. Also it's so much fun to write. Swoosh! I wanted to add that in numerology 3 is the "holiest" number. It's also the most stable (a table with three legs is impractical, but really stable). So two times that must be twice as good, right?

Those have to be the cutest chipmunk/squirrel things that I have ever seen. The tree and the animals on the tree are very well rendered. The detail you put into them is impressive. I don't like the squiggle line shading style on the tree, but it is effective. Inuyasha's clothes are also well done, but his face doesn't convey that much emotion. A more prominent emotion would have been better, I think. I had to look at his face for a little bit before I realized "oh, he's mad." The foot seems a bit small, and it doesn't look very three-dimensional. It's probably because the toes are too small, but I'm not postive. As a whole I really like this. I am amazed at how strong and clean your pencil lines are. That shows real skill.

I look forward to seeing some of those pages. Are you planning on posting this on a website? I'm sorry that I wrote so much, but you wrote a lot to go off of ^^; You seem to have everything under control. My main suggestion for your actually creating the manga would be to be very careful about your dialogue. Bad dialogue can destroy an otherwise well done manga. Reading it out loud can help. Also, I was kidding, but yaoi fangirls can show up when you least expect it XD [quote name='Takanutsu']Now I understand, this is how my manga description should be. :animeangr[/quote] Takanutsu, yes, this is how your manga description(s) should be. Not necessarily this long, but it's clear that Monkatraz has thought through his (?) idea. The characters are realistic, and the idea is original. Please don't be angry if you aren't willing to try to learn from critiques of your own work.

There seem to be quite a few wanna-be mangaka around here, and I was curious about how the interest was started. I also want to know about what everyone's first manga idea was. My first manga idea, that I actually made pages of (I think I?ve thrown them away), was basically a rip-off of the web comic [URL=http://www.rpgworldcomic.com/]RPG World[/URL]. A rip-off that, instead of humans, had wolf people (like cat-girls but with wolves). Yeah. I?m pretty embarrassed about it now, but I think I've redeemed myself with what I've done since then. It was my combined love for web comics and anime/manga that sparked my interest in creating manga. I have yet to make something that I?m willing to put on the web, but I think I?m getting there.

Making your friends and yourself the main characters can usually only lead to hurt feelings. It is also generally not as enjoyable to read for people who aren?t your friends. Are you a high school girl yet? I was just wondering since this is apparently based on your friends. This sounds extremely overdone and screams Witch/Sailor Moon rip off. There is no reason to use those elements, is there? If you insist on using elements, at least use ones that haven?t been used over ten million times. The band thing reminds me of something I?ve read before as well, but I can?t put my finger on what. By the way, it is hard to develop a story if it is that convenient. I mean, given how many super powered people there probably are in this world (ten) it is way too easy for them all to be best friends/dating each other. I like the use of darkness as the main character, but wouldn?t the part that can kill also be able to kick evil butt?? The light character is far too cliché. It?s just far too similar to female roles that already exist. Being able to destroy any enemy with a single blast, while cool, is very unlikely. There wouldn?t be any need to have ten people then. She could just work on her own Are you trying to insinuate that most people who are smart do not have the capability to look good? I?m also guessing that by nature you mean plants. Are there many volcanoes where this story takes place that need to stop erupting? Theres a slight potential for this story if you could make the characters more developed, but it all just seems too easy. This exact same story has been told many times before, and I think you should reconsider before doing it yourself.

For starters that unusual setting is fantastic. However, someone will inevitably find fault with something you do. Don?t let it bother you too much. Your story is a fantasy world, and so you can get away with saying that it takes place in a universe parallel to the fourteenth century. The pseudo-medieval setting is one of my favorites because of the freedom to do pretty much whatever you want. What part of the fourteenth century are you considering using? That is, is this set before or after the bubonic plague? The ways of thinking throughout Europe changed completely after the plague. There was depression, renaissance, new ideas, a distrust in the church, the destroying of the feudal system, and many other fun things. Since the main character is Roman Catholic I?m going to assume that this is before. Are the Prophets based on the Illuminati conspiracy? It?s a fun conspiracy to work with, and I?ll be interested to see how that develops The names of your characters irked me for some reason. The first one, Desmon, just feels like a typo that you continually repeat. The only name I know of that is similar to Desmon is Desmond, and I?m fairly certain that it?s an Irish name. Keitaro right off the bat makes me think of Love Hina. This probably wasn?t on purpose, and for all I know Keitaro could be a very common Japanese name. Still, you should be cautious with that. Did you come up with the name Zigil on your own? I have never heard of that name before in my life. With the traditional setting you might want to use an authentic German name. There are a lot of very interesting ones out there. The ?Language of the Birds? is very creative power idea, but make sure you can make it so that the ability has some draw backs. Don?t make it an all powerful thing like ?oh, he can understand everybody all the time and can reply to them in that language too.? It?s a little bit far fetched. Any supernatural ability needs to have rules (i.e. not being able to use the power without limit). Even fantasy has to be believable on some level. The drawbacks you give to Desmon?s character are good with one exception. No one is calm in every situation. There has to be one thing that will make him mad. When developing characters never use the words never or always. Try to figure out at least one situation that will break the rule, however bizzare and unlikely, and your characters will seem that much more real. Keitaro sounds way too much like an archetype. Be sure to infuse some new ideas into his personality. There are entirely too many kind-hearted Japanese swordsmen in the world of manga. Zigil also sounds like an archetype. I?m sure you like the idea of him losing his memory, but I have seen entirely too many dramas with this scenario to find it even mildly interesting any more. I wish there were more main female roles, but I understand that during this time period perhaps it would be odd for a woman to be strong and adventurous. But with two guys traveling together you are very likely to have yaoi fangirls out of the wazoo (I kid, I kid). A large cast of characters is fun to do, but it is really a pain to design. Making each one as different from others as humanly possible is quite a challenge. Would you be drawing this? I?m just curious because whatever artist deals with this will have quite a job on their hands. I am so happy that you are relying on characters and that you?re taking the time to give them histories. It really shows through in a completed product when the creator knows every single character inside and out.

Since these are poems off of the top of your head I?m pretty impressed. Rough drafts are evil little things, and you managed to make them quite nice. You might want to lay off of the simple rhyming schemes. When I started out with poetry I always though you had to rhyme, but you really don't. As long as there is a rhythm that a person can feel throughout the poem you'll be fine. It might be fun for you to experiment with different, more complex, rhyming schemes. My creative writing teacher always gives me the critique "show, don't tell," (perhaps with better grammar XD) and I'm going to say the same for you. Describe your emotions. Rather than saying "I'm shy" explain your shy nature with figurative language. Don't go overboard with it though. There's a thin line between using figurative language properly and being a hack. :p The first poem is average. The arrow metaphor is good, but the flow of the poem would be better if you got rid of the question marks. I don't like the second poem as much. I don't understand what you're trying to say with it, and the whole ?roses are red, violets are blue? thing is hackneyed to me. In may opinion they shouldn't be used in a poem unless it's a parody XD I'm picky though. The third poem is nice. There's a quick pace to it, and I like the quick flashes of images that it gave me. The last two lines were original and made me want more.

This the first time that a reply to a critique I've done has made me happy. I'm really impressed that you actually answered all of the questions instead of just picking and choosing. You might not have a definite plot yet, but at least you've thought about it. For spell check you should just type your dialogue in word before you put it on your comic. Doing that should get rid of most of the spelling errors. Let me know when you update this though. I'm kind of into it XD Do you have an update schedule yet?

[QUOTE=Takanutsu]Alright guys I know you all were upstet about the other manga I was talking about Samurai Night Moon, anyway I decided to make a new manga...... [/QUOTE] Takanutsu, I wasn't "upset" by your manga, you just didn't post very much about what it was. I can't be upset about something I know nothing about. This story seems to be nothing but violence for the sake of violence. I don't see a story other than a man killing a bunch of people because Satan told him to. It?s just way to extreme for me. There is a market out there for manga that is nothing but blood and gore, but I'm not a part of it. Hopefully you also understand that drawing a manga that is centered around violence is much more difficult than drawing an ordinary manga with occasional fight scenes. You haven't given motivations for any of the characters in your description, and I'm curious about that. For instance, why does Taron follow Satan? Money, power, or something else? Also, why is Satan's right hand man a man, while Gabriel's right hand man a boy? It seems like an unfair advantage for the baddies. Who is Makairongs, and why did you name the city Spin-ku? Please describe to me what a "death defying power" is because the image I'm getting is somebody jumping over a shark on a motorcycle, but I know that's not it. Please remember that I'm not upset by your story, I'm just trying to help you make it better. Answering my questions might make your story seem more developed when you turn it into a manga.

Wow, everyone seems to be in agreement. Still, I am extremely stubborn, and I will continue to use the GIMP. Inferior to other programs or not, it is, in my opinion, a good free [spoiler]and un-pirated[/spoiler] alternative. In addition, I don't use Windows. I use Red Hat. Can PS or any other "professional quality" photo-editing software even be used on an OS that isn?t Windows?

One of the greatest mysteries in my life is why so many people use Photoshop. Most versions of it cost more than $100, and I know that most of the artistic community is fairly cash poor. Personally, I use the GIMP. It's a free program that can be used on any operating system, and I have yet to find anything aside from layer settings that can be done on Photoshop that can't be done on the GIMP. I addition, you can find nearly all of the brushes that are missing on GIMP with enough searching. Now that tutorial websites based solely for the GIMP where you can learn how to create such useful things as [URL=http://www.gimptalk.com/forum/topic/Foil-Paper-329-1.html]realistic tin foil[/URL] on your computer, my question is gaining even more importance in my mind. So I'm going to ask y'all. Why do you (or don't you) use Photoshop?

[IMG]http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v281/Pomato/hackfightbanner.png[/IMG] This is the first thing I've ever tried blending, so I'm sorry if it isn't all that good XD I couldn't make it as wide as you wanted. I hope that's okay. Let me know if you want anything changed.

I feel like a broken record, but I have to ask. Why does this take place in Japan?? Just based on what you've posted here I'd have to give this a low rating. There is nothing new. It also leaves me with quite a few questions. How can someone's memories bring two people closer together? Does one of them have amnesia? Why does it matter that they fight all the time? Are the other people in the manga expecting them to wind up dating? Why does it matter to them? Before I continue I should let you know that even though I got through it eventually, your website slowed down my computer to the pace of semi-frozen molasses. It made my web server crash at one point as well. I like multitasking, and if I wasn't trying to review your manga fairly I wouldn't have bothered going through that website to read it. Despite the flaws, it's nice that you have a website up for this already instead of just writing about it here. First impression of the site other than the slow pace is that the banner, although poorly done on its own (there's no need for that cheesy flare effect is there?), the artwork on it is very good. It's great that even though it's set in Japan you have the courtesy to have it read from left to right. The art continues to be good. Your use of screen tones is especially impressive. My only gripe for art would be in regards to the teacher. I know from experience that it's very hard to draw older people in manga style, but the teacher still looks way too young. I'm not sure if you can change this, but the blue tile backround is distracting. A solid color would probably be better. Using the font that is actually in mangas for things said quietly adds to the professional look of this manga. Where did you find that font? The second page has a lot of typos. It's mostly things that you typed how they sound (i.e. "suppose" should be "supposed", "whose" should be "who's", "replete" should be "repeat"). Try to get a friend to check over your script before you post a page so you're positive it's pretty much error free. For some people that can be incredibly distracting. The Japanese thing still seems to be unnecessary. In spite of my initial reaction, though, I have to tell you that I'm a sucker for this kind of story. Depending on what direction you take this in I could continue enjoying it, or I could get bored of it by the end of the second chapter. The art attracts readers, and the story keeps them reading. Keep up the good work, and you should be fine.

I also use the pen tool, but here are two tutorials that show specifically how to remove characters from a picture using either the pen tool or the polygonal lasso tool. [url]http://www.createblog.com/tutorials/download.php?id=211[/url] [url]http://www.createblog.com/tutorials/download.php?id=212[/url]

I have got to thank you for this. I was planning on asking for lineart to color so I could practice some new coloring techniques and then you posted this. Must be fate :P I was able to try a bunch of things that I've never done before with my own work, and I was able to use gradient more then I ever have before. It all made me very happy. It was a lot of fun to color this. Oh, by the way, if you ever need help with coloring stuff, PM me and I'll do my best to help you out. [URL=http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v281/Pomato/linkattackline50percent.png]Here it is[/URL]

I'm Lutheran, a little anti-Catholic in my mentality, but overall the same as other denominations of Christianity. Based on other posts here I seem to also be slightly more liberal than some other Christians. I was taught that Jesus had died for our sins, and I was also taught that as long as we accepted the existence of Jesus we would be saved and go to heaven. I remember little third grade me being taught this in Sunday school and thinking "Wow, so as long as we admit he's there on our dying breath, we'll be saved?" I've grown since then. I have no idea what God's scorecard is like, but I'm willing to wait and hope and see what happens. Another thing that needs to be mentioned is the accuracy of the bible. My grandmother always taught me to not take the bible literally word by word because it was hand transcribed by monks. Monks are human, and it seems like it would have been impossible for one of them to have never made a mistake. On another note, To Tell You the Whole Truth [URL=http://www.scborromeo.org/truth/truth.htm](link)[/URL] is very interesting website, and is definitely worth a look if you want some historical background on the bible and the Christian church in general.

I had a lot of spare time, and, since no one has replied yet, I decided to try making a banner. I decided to make a matching avatar too, mainly because I got bored. [IMG]http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v281/Pomato/flcl_avi.png[/IMG] [IMG]http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v281/Pomato/flcl_banner.png[/IMG] If you want me to change anything (adding font? too pink? XD) I'll be more than happy to.