Darla the Great

[quote]A blonde was driving in a car wearing some headphones when she crashed. She was taken to hospital and the doctor took her headphones off and she died. The doctor was startled and put the headphones on -- it was saying: "Breathe in and out, in and out..."[/quote] This one's better being told in person but still: [quote]An English man, Scottish man and a chinese man were stuck in a forest. The English man decided to make himself boss and said: "Scottish man, you go get the firewood, Chinese man, you go get the supplies and I'll stay here." It's been 3 days and only the Scottish man came back so the English man says to the Scottish man: "Where's Chinese man? Should we go look for him?" So they go into the forest and there's the Chinese man waiting for them who jumps out and yells: "Supplies!"[/quote]

I got about half-way through and then I couldn't wait to post my own jokes so sorry if they've already been posted. This was e-mailed to me from a friend: [quote]Sunday School Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ''Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?'' When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. ''God Almighty !'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good'' and Mary fell back to sleep. A while later the teacher asked Mary, ''Who is our Lord and Savior?'' But Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ''Jesus Christ!'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good,'' and Mary fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, ''What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'' And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, ''If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'' [/quote] Another: [quote] Q: A smart blonde, Santa and a dumb blonde jump off a cliff, who lands first? A: The dumb blonde because Sant and the smart blonde don't exist.[/quote] And another: [quote]A black man tried entering a bar but a white man stopped him and said, "No coloured people allowed." The black man, furious, replied: "When I was born I was black, when I'm in the sun I'm black, when I'm sick I'm black, and when I die I will be black. You, however, were pink when you were born, red in the sun, green when you're sick and purple when you die -- and you have the nerve to call me coloured!"[/quote]

I'm sorry to hear all these things that have happened to everyone. I feel for all of you. I have two things, the first was telling my mum that my dad was having an affair. What happened was that my dad had just come out of hospital due to stress and I'd found text messages on his phone. I was only 12 and I had no idea what to do -- I could only keep it to myself for a week until I told my mum. After that my parents argued so much that they saw separate solicitors about divorce. Thankfully, they stayed together but it crops up once in a while. This happened almost exactly a year ago. The second was when my Grandad died. He had nearly died a year before he actually died and this time he was constantly in and out of hospital between March and April. One time he was only home for a few hours when he had to go into hospital and stayed there for six solid weeks. He never came home as he died on 16th May 2005. He died of liver failure.

You may have read this at writing.com. [color=darkred]Beauty is angry. Beauty is enviable. Beauty is spiteful. Beauty is shallow. Beauty is misjudged. Beauty is selective. Beauty is painful. So why do people want it? Why do people long for gorgeous, brilliant eyes. Or soft, red lips? Why does mankind desire silky, shiny hair? What is so wonderful about high cheekbones or a slim body? What is wrong with real? Why is plain so repulsive? Why is imperfect spat on as if it were the vilest thing on earth? Beauty is only skin-deep. So why is beauty loved by so many and hated by so few?[/color] Please keep in mind that I am only 12. Thank you, please r/r. Constructive criticism is appreciated.

[color=darkred]I know the answer to the third one:[/color] [spoiler]Romeo and Juliet are fish.[/spoiler] Do you mind if I post my own riddle? [color=blue]The smallest man on the world was found dead on his bed with a gun in one of his hands; a wooden pole next to him and wood shaving underneath his ned. What happened?[/color]

[color=royalblue]My boyfriend must be the most innocent boy in the world! What happened was that we were in my dad's car (he was taking my boyfriend home) and, obivously, my boyfriend and were talking. We got talking about friends and then he said: [i]Me and three of my friends call ourselves the 'awesome foursome'.[/i] :wow::wow::wow: Oooooookay then. Honestly, even my dad was snickering! So I said: [i]Great name...but don't you think it reminds you of something else?[/i] Well, how else would you have said it?????[/color]