Another Dude Story! Booyah! From the creator (that's me) of Dude Wars and other Dude Story productions comes the newest addition:
[SIZE=4]RIP VAN TINKLE[/SIZE]
[SIZE=1]Oh yeah. It's a remake...[/SIZE]
This story is a legend to be told by many. A legend that has warmed the hearts of millions? and pretty much choked others because they laughed so hard. But that?s besides the point! This story, is about two dudes. No. It?s not about Rip Van Winkle or Rip Van Tinkle or whatever you?d like to call him. It?s about 2 dudes. Two very cool dudes. It would be three dudes, but Jerry isn?t ?cool? enough. In fact, all this beginning text is about is a warning. Were here to warn you not to inhaul small objects for they may get caught in your throat. You can gag and die, ya know. So be careful and please read on.
Out in a small town called Dudeville lived a band of people. They were usually off dancing about gaily or eating pieces of muddy paper they found on the streets. The reasons for these happenings is unknown. Maybe it?s because their brains are too small and aren?t able to process information that eating paper is not only dangerous to your health, but is also useless. But remember, they aren?t smart. Brain is too small. Get it?
Of course, there was 2 people in this village that made sense. They were actually dudes and not people. Yes. The 2 dudes we spoke of before. Not Jerry because he is too ?uncool?. But anyways, these two dudes lived peacefully with their girlfriends in a crazy mansion in the center of town.
One day, while they were watching one of their favorite sitcoms, their girlfriends came in and started yelling, ?I thought I told you to Wash the dishes, Dude 1.?
?The fence still needs painting!?
?And that toilet needs scrubbing! It sure can?t do it on it?s own!?
?It probably could with all that fungus growing in it.? Dude 2 remarked. The two girls stomped their feet in a frantic attitude-like way.
?What?s their problems?? Dude 1 asked Dude 2, looking every which way. Dude 2 shrugged while the two girls continued yelling.
?What?s our problems? Our problems are you two! Sitting there! Watching-,? they both quickly glance at the TV and back to the Dudes, ?-a swimsuit pageant.?
?Oh yeah!? The two dudes say, slapping high fives.
?And we do all the work.?
?We?d do work, but we have umm.. infected tongues. Yeah! That?s it! Infected tongues. Very bad.?
The two dudes were kicked out of the house.
?Dude, They are bossy.? Dude 2 admitted.
?Hm. Let?s wander aimlessly through the village.? Dude 1 spoke up.
?Okay!? And so they did. They soon meet up with a man known as:
?Rip Van Tinkle? What a funny name!? The 2 dudes laughed their bums off.
?It?s Rip Van Winkle.?
?Rip Van Wrinkle? Hahhaha!?
?No! Rip Van Winkle.? There was much silence ?til Dude 2 said something.
?Well? Winkle isn?t? funny??
There was more silence.
Then Rip Van Winkle started to walk away. ?Wait, Rip Man Finkle! We want to know where your going!?
?Why would you want to know where I?m going??
?I don?t really know. Do you, Dude??
?No, dude.?
?Oh. Well there you go. We don?t know. Just tell us where your going.?
?Well, alright. I?m off to the mountains with my dog.?
?Oh?. Can we come??
?No.?
?C?mon. Yes.?
?No.?
?Yes.?
?No.?
?Yes.?
?No.?
?Listen here, Rip my Pants, we?ll have to discuss this in a more private area.? Rip walked between the two dudes and along the way to Rip?s house, Rip fell in a manhole. ?Oh. I was planning to knock him out, but that works just fine.? Dude 2 remarked.
[B]Meanwhile, lurking in the bushes...[/B]
?Muhahaha! Cough! Hack! Oh my? Spring is not my season. Darn flowers. You inhale the dang seeds all the time. What?s God trying to do to me? Yeesh. Ahem.. now, I shall destroy the? the .. umm??
?The two dudes, sir??
?I know who I?m after, Engor!?
?That?s Egor, sir.?
?Silence,. Barney!?
?Umm.. yeah.?
?Now, I shall destroy the two dudes or my name isn?t? isn?t??
?Rip Van Tinkle??
?I know my own name, Smurf.?
?Er.. riiiiiiight.?
?Muahhahaahha! HACK![B]COUGH! WHEEZ![/B] Darn these infernal dandelions!?
[B]Anyways, back to the two dudes...[/B]
The two dudes walk up to the woods in which Rip Van Winkle and his dog were going to go before he met a terrible tragedy. The dog followed the heals of the two dudes. ?Dude! What?s that?? Dude 1 pointed to an object in the clearing.
?Dude, it looks to be? a small man.? When they came closer, it was a bridge and a troll. The troll smacked Dude 2 on the head with his cane. ?Ow, dude!?
?Small man, bah! I am the Bridge Troll in which you must pay the toll.?
The two dudes stared at one another and the dog
whimpered. ?Dude, you shouldn?t even be in this story. It?s not in the script.? Dude 2 held up a script to equal what Dude 1 was saying. The dudes looked at the director who was lip sinking the words ?Just work with it?. They shrugged and turned to the troll. ?What do we have to pay as a toll.?
?To pay for the path, you must endure my wrath!? the Troll threatened.
?Good god! He?ll turn into a giant banana and devour us all!? Dude 1 squealed. Everyone looked at Dude 1 with an arched eyebrow. ?What? It could happen.?
?My wrath is more than you think, if you fail then you?ll be gone in a wink.? He slammed his cane on Dude 1?s head.
?Son of a-? Dude 1 said, rubbing the bump burdened by the cane.
?You must each answer questions at my will, and by the way, my name is Phil.?
?Alright, Phil, what are the questions??
?Each of you get 3, all of them asked by me.?
?Yeah, yeah, yeah. Cut to the chase.? Dude 2 urged.
?Alright, alright, you whiny old pup! Just keep your pants up!?
?He?s a pup.? Dude 1 pointed to the pooch. It whimpered.
?Enough of this crap, let?s cut to the wrap.?
Suddenly the stage transformed into a game show. The two dudes looked about curiously. The troll leaped up on his podium and shook his cane with excitement. An announcer spoke over some speakers. ?Alright! Welcome to Troll Toll, the game show where if you fail, if you EVEN make ONE mistake, just a tiny little mistake, YOU DIE! Oh, and have fun??
The two dudes gulped. They looked around at the audience, the camera men, the retarded looking lizard slob known as Tardy. The show then began. ?Question one: How much wood can a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood??
Dude 2 shook his head and said, ?What in the 13 colonies are you talking abo-?
The Troll jumped up and down. ?Damn! You may be right, but you can?t match my might! It?s thirteen. Dude 1, what is the name of this game show??
?Oh yeah. Give me all the hard ones.? Dude 1 shouted. he began to sweat as he went completely blank in the mind. Phil grinned as he noticed Dude 1 panicking. 5 more seconds! 4! 3! 2! ?I hate Troll Toll!? Dude 1 shouted in exhaustion. The audience applauded and Dude 1 lifted his head and smiled.
?No! You pieces of junk! I?ll stump you, you little punk! Dude 2: What is my favorite color.?
Dude 2 looked at the little troll named Phil. He looked at his green hat. His green shirt. His green pants. His? his.. green? bra? ?Time?s almost done, and I?ll have my fun!?
?Uhh?? Dude 2 thought. ?Red?? The troll named Phil grinned and pushed a button. Suddenly, a hatch opened and the two dudes began to fall. They screamed, but they didn?t even go all the way through the hole. Tardy the slob saved them. He pulled them up and the troll pulled on his hair in anger. ?You saved us, Tardy. Thanks.? Dude 2 awarded Tardy.
?Umm? cartoons are what I watch on Saturdays. BURBLE!? Tardy squealed.
Dude 1 patted his back and said, ?Heheheh. Yeah.?
?Not so fast or I?ll blow you to the past.? Phil said with a laser gun in hand. Dude 2 walked up to the troll who turned out to be 2 feet tall and picked him up and placed him in a dog cage. And then, the two dudes and Tardy walked off into the forest. Phil sat in the cage as the dog licked his face. Then the dog ate his lunch and Phil cried for hours. It was tuna too?
It was getting late by the time the two dudes figured out they were lost.
?Were lost.? said Dude 1.
?Were lost.? quoted Dude 2.
?Ice cream can be good with sprinkles.? Tardy said in his own imaginable way. Suddenly, a basketball bounced over to Dude 2?s feet. he picked it up and looked to the direction of which it came from. There stood Hudson and his men. They stared. Stood there. The wind passed. Hudson finally spoke. ?You know how to play??
?Do we.? Dude 1 replied.
Suddenly, an uproar of fierce basketball playing skill shattered the leaf-covered floors of the Kaatskill mountains. Dude 1 shot a pass to Dude 2 and Dude 2 passed to Tardy and after figuring out what he had done, he stole the ball from Tardy and slammed it in the branch-made basketball net.
[B]Later, after a great game of B-Ball...[/B]
Dude 2 sat down next to Dude 1 near the fire, holding a big piece of chicken. Hudson?s men laughed and joked around. Dude 2 ended up coming in on the end of one. ?And so the he said, that?s just a ball. He must test things first!? An eruption of high-pitched laughter broke out over the crew and Dude 2 had to join in, even though he missed most of the joke.
Suddenly, Hudson himself came up to the two dudes and Tardy. He then spoke, ?That was an amazing game. You beat us 4000 to 2, but that?s okay. We may have a chance next time. Since you won, we through you this party, dog! Strippers!?
Suddenly, hot girls appeared from behind the trees and started to dance around the two dudes and Tardy. They tickled under their chins and Dude 1 said, ?This is great, dude!? Dude 2 agreed with a nod.
Two girls sat on Tardy?s lap as he said, ?I wear diapers on weekends because my mom says I have problems. BURBLE!? The two girls left his lap. Hudson then lifted his glass and said, ?Let?s give them the finest party EVER!? And then the party kind of blurs out ?cause this narrator had too much fun to record it so shut up!
Ahem! Anyways?
[B]The Next Day...[/B]
Dude 2 awoke with leaves and empty glasses or pleasure all over him. He looked about only to find Dude 2 in the same position. they had HUGE headaches. ?Dude?? But their pain went away when they smelled a pleasant aroma in the air. ?Is that breakfast.? Dude 2 asked.
Tardy came up to them with scrambled eggs on a platter. ?Tardy, this is great! How did you do this?? Dude 1 asked curiously. ?Where did you get the eggs??
?I found them in a infected, dead lizard?s nest. BURBLE!? The two dudes spit the disgust out all over. They wiped their faces off and started to strangle Tardy.
?Stupid, retarded lizard thing!?
They all strangled away with all their heart when suddenly, a giant spaceship landed on the forest floor. ?What in the name of Johnny Apple Seed is that?? Dude 1 asked.
?Umm? a cow?? Tardy suggested, Dude 2?s hands still on his throat, but just a little looser. Suddenly, the door?s hatch opened and a figure showed. He was tall. he was evil looking. He had a gun. He giggled a girlish giggle.
?Behold! My name is Rip! Rip Van Tinkle!? Even at this time, the two dudes couldn?t help, but laugh. Rip waited patiently. The two dudes still laughed. ?Are you two quite done yet??
Dude 1 held up a hand. ?Hahhaaha! Not yet!
Hahahaha! Not yet!? rip sighed and folded his arms. He tapped as the two dudes let out their last giggles. ?Phew! Okay. Now were done.?
?Good. I have come to destroy you two.? He began to step down from his spaceship when he tripped. He fell to the ground and the two dudes laughed again. Tardy came up to Rip, eating his gun as he spoke. ?Bullets taste like metal, but they seem to have nugget inside.? Rip noticed what he was doing and cried out.
?You stupid lizard!?
?That?s what we?ve been trying to tell you.? Dude 2 said, getting up off the ground from laughing. He took what was left of the remaining gun and tried to shoot, but it wouldn?t work. He threw it to the ground and it fired into him. Rip collapsed. Dude 1 was surprised. Dude 2 was surprised. Tardy ate some more bullets.
Then, Rip felt where he was shot. ?A blank. A BLANK??
Tardy nodded. ?I ate the real ones. BURBLE!?
That gave Dude 1 and Dude 2 the chance to jump Rip. They karate chopped him and threw him. Rip then got up and jump kicked Dude 1, Rica shading off his back and into Dude 2?s stomach. ?Ha HA! Your defeated.? Suddenly, Tardy started to hiccup. Every time he did, he shot off a bullet. Rip almost was shot in the butt so he jumped flat on the ground as Tardy fired off. In that time, Dude 1 called the police.
[B]Later, after the police arrested Rip Van Tinkle...[/B]
?We?d like to thank you.? the head chief said, approaching the two dudes. Political music played as he went on. ?Your heroic act saved us all. In fact, you deserve a medal. You even saved these two wimps.? The political music crashed short as the medal was placed on Tardy. Two hot girls kissed him and the head chief asked, ?Is there anything you want to say to your adoring public.?
?Yes.? Tardy said, taking the microphone and walking up to the camera. ?Hello, my people. I have one thing to say. Never eat Fritos chips. They give me gas and they may give it to you too. Never eat them with bean dip unless you want an explosion. BURBLE!? Everyone went wild with his speech. The two dudes walked off out of the forest and sulked.
?We got nothing.? Dude 2 said.
?Yeah.? Dude 1 said.
?Ooooh boys?.? The two dudes looked up to see their girlfriends in hot outfits.
?Booyah!? The two dudes came rushing up to the girls only to meet two fingers clamped on an ear. They pulled them back to the house and ended up doing the dishes, painting the fence and cleaning the toilet even though it was perfectly capable of doing it itself. In fact, it kind of already did. Very convient.
As for Tardy? well?
[B]Bel Air, California...[/B]
?Need anything else, Mister Tardy.? said a servant kneeling before the lizard.
?No thank you, Jeeves. I have too many fingers as it is.?
?Umm? okay, sir..? The butler walked off shaking his head. And so, Tardy lived happily ever after while hot girls fed him grapes in good old Bel Air, California.
And remember, the moral is: Fritos and Bean Dip GIVE YOU GAS!
