Dragon Warrior

I dunno how big the fanclub would be just with Otaku[b]Board[/b] members, but you can try. ;^D And good news. I'm buying the Prozzak CD for my sister's birthday. We both like their moozik (Gavynn language for music ;) ).

Definately. This sounds really intriguing, especially if you gather some of the best OB artists around. There isn't a rule to it, but I'm sure the RPGs would take a long while to do if you really spent your time making your post. And to keep from anyone making a comic and then posting it at the same time and getting all distressed, you should make it so you state who posts next and have an organized way of doing it, like the current chapter system of RPGs in the Adventure Square. Good luck with it. It's nifty :^D

Thanks, all. I'm a bit ill today, but this made my day :3 And Deimos, those are pictures of Vivi. Those are of regular Black Mages, like me :^D Thank ye, Boo, Delirium, and everyone who wished me well. Five years and still going, yep yep :< EDIT: Deimos, I'm a guy :<

Hehe, yes >:^D Prozzak is one of the most kick@zz bands around! And they're Canadian :^O (I'm American, but it doesn't mean I can't enjoy some good ole wholesome Canadian tuneskies). My favorite song by them is probably "Sucks To be You," but I'm also fond of many of their others like "Strange Disease" and "Europia." The reason I like them is because Spanish music mixes into rock and it turns out frickin' sweet. They also have cartoons for their music video. I first heard of Prozzak from a music video long ago when I was little. It was the "Sucks To Be You" one and I was just happy to watch the cartoonish video :^D I have yet to buy one of their CDs :( Tribute to Milo and Simon!

Sorry I didn't post for ages. Now that school has started again, I'm quite busy with my Junior year. And my social life is gaining even more every day, especially since now I'm an official curb squirrel (skaters, yeah! :D). So no hating me ;^D [size=5][b]Match Four Results[/b][/size] [b]Delirium:[/b] Delirium, you no sign up to muh RPG >:^O Shame. Anyways, I'd like to start out by saying that your grammar and spelling were excellent. I only saw one or two mistakes for that category. And your description was superb as well (plus the wording you had). The real only problem there is that you tended to be redundant. You used the same words too often. I remember one example was the word "start" and you definately used "bared teeth" so much that it lost meaning :( Those can be replaced easily with things like "shined my fangs" or whatever. You know. Use my best friend, Mr. Thesaurus. He's the shiznit ;^D I'd like to end this critique with how I liked the humming. It was quite original and you seemed to control your character well enough that I say they're the most developed chara of this whole tournament so far. What an honor. The humming did seem creepy, though ;) Like the chick in Kill Bill whistling :^O [b]poo62.2:[/b] Poo! :^D You made this judging hard with your nifty word usage. But there are some things that I must point out, mind you. Sadly I didn't see as much description from you as I did from Delirium, but it was still excellent. You did have some short sentences that were very dull, though. They countered your good sentences and that doesn't work well in writing. Short sentences with small description too often = bad :( But in some spots where you seemed to really get into description, they turned out to be run-on sentences. Run-on sentences (if you don't know what they are) are sentences that sound like they need a period because they're extended too long. An example would be: "I went to the store it was awesome!" That's an example of a very bad run-on sentence, but yours were minor mistakes in that category. But speaking of grammar, you did make some mistakes there too (as well as spelling). A lot of the things your character said did not have a period at the end. That's very important to have. And to get down to the nitty-gritty and just a tip to improve your writing skill, never use extra exclamation marks when you're trying to write something good. It's okay if it's your OtakuBoards signature or whatever, but not in sparring. Try to avoid it. But I liked how you said your attack names. Kind of reminded me of Pokemon. Go figure ;^D [b]Both of you:[/b] Last note. I noticed you both didn't use the battlefield or your attacks in creative ways. That seriously helps you a lot in battles. If I see that, I will definately be shifting to your side often. I like to see how you use your skills and the battlefield in your favor :) Now then, the victor, in my opinion, is Delirium, but poo put up a good fight. Good work :^D

[font=[font=Century Gothic][size=1]Ooo... Eragon? I read that book. Most excellent :^D I thought they'd make that into a movie. As for what I've heard for next year, there are to be, of course, [i]Star Wars Episode 3, Austin Powers 4[/i] (if not this year), [i]*King Kong[/i], and some other movie I can't recall :( Weee! *"King Kong" is being made by Peter Jackson (the director of LOTR) and if it doesn't come out at the end of this year, it will be next year. I expect good things from this man, even if it is King Kong =/ EDIT: Uma Thurman does seem like the one for the part, but for some reason I still don't know. Maybe she just doesn't look Samus Arany XD Or doesn't have the right build. Me not know :

[font=Century Gothic][size=1]Well, it funny somewhat, but I think this flick falls under the category of [b]dark comedy[/b]. And as insane as it was, it still kept my attention the whole way through. I agree that Tom Hanks did a very good job. He suited the part as if he were playing himself. He reminded me of KFC's Sanders :^D [spoiler]I did not expect them to all die in the end, though. But once Marlon Wayans died, I knew they're all in for it. I especially spotted Tom Hanks' death when that bird landed on the statue (I think that was obvious to everyone :P). But my favorite part of the whole movie is when the old lady makes the sheriff come to Tom Hanks' bedroom to see "The Professor." He's under the bed and she's talking to him and the whole time the sheriff must be thinking she's a loon. That was hilarious![/spoiler] Sadly enough, though, I won't be seeing this again any time soon. It's one of those films you see and then wait a good while before seeing again (if I do bother seeing it again). Haha... professor drinking tea under the bed... what will they think up next? EDIT: It comes out September 7th? Then how the nizzle did my dad rent the DvD on September 5th? O.o We must have connections :^D[/size][/font]

Oh, good. I was hoping what you meant was that she just took his place. The idea of her tricking the Spades... yeah XD That'd be plain silly. The Spades would have to be fools. I'm also pleased you'll cut back on violence. But you must remember that there are battles in this RPG. Just not largely gory ones ;^D Folks, I updated the first post of this Underground thread. Weee!

Aye, you mistook what I meant in the sign up. [quote]If the character chuckles a lot, maybe put in a 'He he, ho ho' here and there.[/quote] I did say this, yes, but writing out *giggles* is not what I said you should do. That's bad juju :< In fact, when I said the "He he, ho ho" part, I simply meant to express their jolliness through description. I guess I was a bit vague on that =/ As for eye color changes, I have friends that have hazel eyes and I never see them change. My friends suck :( And even if they do change, they change with mood? That sounds messed up XD You're your own personal mood ring.

Well, even if they used a blue screen, it still looks pretty nifty. You gotta know a lot of this is computer graphics, but we're not exactly going to get someone to build the machines we view in it ^_^ And that's how they thought it'd look? Wow, they were way off :^P

Oh? Is it future or does it take place in 1940? I'm confused now :^D But I like this blue screen thing. That definately will test an actor's talent. Very la de da.

[size=1]Okay, the time is here for me to post the critiques to all signups, state who has made the cut, and reveal Noah Isildo's profile :^D [b][u]ScirosDarkBlade[/u][/b] Well now, where to begin? I'll start out with some good news. I very much liked your wording in this. You suprised me quite a bit with some excellent use of phrases and words. And your spelling and grammar was most acceptable :) This all goes very well with your description, which makes the whole thing all the more intriguing. With the music chosen for this thread and a comfy spot on my bed, I felt I was really getting into the character of Deksan. You even improved on cliche ideas. But overall, my favorite part was: [quote]... they were too much into that whole "I am a warrior with a mysterious past and I fight to escape my own personal demons."[/quote] Hehe. Funny :^D Now for some things to improve :( Your character, since you chose Noah's Friend, is only allowed one sword and the gun. So I will care to ignore the second sword. And you should save all that talk about his gun skills for your biography. You could further speak about his gun stylings there anyways. But here's another thing: [quote]I do not know where I was born, and I have been told nothing of what came before I was taken in by the temple.[/quote] Hey, it's okay if your character doesn't know, but you must remember you're writing this as if your character knows [b]everything[/b] about his life. So you should've included birth and all that anyways. Not only that, but at the end of your profile, you stopped after saying you met Noah. What happened after you met Noah? What was your job? What did you do in town? You got to make sure to include these key points. Make your whole history up to the time you joined the Spades. We'll get a better idea of your character that way and how he came to be. Next, you must recall that this is like a journal entry. Don't include things like "Heh" and "Ha ha." No one writes that stuff in their journals (if they do, then... yeah... weird). ;) My last main note is that you made too many dramatic pauses throughout your piece. I'm sure if you read through it again, you'd notice how silly it sounded. Dramatic pauses are a good tactic in writing, but not when overused like you did. Good work with your profile :) [b][u]Boo[/u][/b] Boo :< I found your profile to be pretty dang good. Not too much to critique on in my eyes, but there are some notes I made. You should really think of checking grammar and spelling because I did catch some errors. Proof-read it as well because you may have possibly already spell-checked it and th spell-checker didn't catch the mistake. Also, at the end of your profile, don't speak of the present situation. The storyline just states that Noah and Noah's Friend disagree with the decision of finding the Symeral. Keep that part hush hush for now ;) On the good side, your description and story was very well done. Your character led an intriguing life :^D [b][u]MistressRoxie[/u][/b] Not my finger :^O Just joshin' ya ;) I decided to critique yours anyways because you said this was for practice anyways and maybe some tips will help you improve. I'll start out with the good. Everyone likes good news. You had lovely descriptions--almost poetic with some. [quote]... as her hazel eyes swirl gently.[/quote] That sure was perdiful :^D I also enjoyed how your character referred to her father as "Papa." I'm not sure why. Maybe it's a change from the normal father. Kind of gives it the country feel. I also liked how your character thought about her careers. Most profiles posted here talked about going straight into one job, no questions asked. Your character had plans before she moved into the life of a criminal. And the music just suits your profile. It's nice to read while listening to that gentle melody. You seemed to be spelling error-free, which is a good thing to be. Means you checked (or just aren't prone to those mistakes). I'm not even sure I saw grammar errors either. But my favorite part of the whole biography was that she didn't know where she stood. She wanted to join Noah, but she didn't because it's like joining the authorities. Interesting. Now the tips :) Her eye color changes. Interesting, but Lo' Urden doesn't possess magic (Symerals are not considered magic). The eye color changing seems to be some unrealistic trait that would only be covered by magic. That just doesn't seem real. You also referred to Noah as the "Noah police." Police is a modern term. Gotta watch out for using modern terms because we don't want to mix too much future with past. I also caught you using commas too often, even in places they shouldn't have been. Commas represent a pause in a sentence that isn't covered by dashes or semi-colons. You should further learn where commas lie. I sometimes find I have trouble with them, but I've been learning how to use them myself. [quote]... which blacked my heart.[/quote] It's "blackened," not blacked :) And speaking of that same area, you also said that your character's father told her something that supposedly did this "blackening." What did he tell her? We should know! It's very important, possibly THE most important part of the whole profile. It explains what turned her evil. Did he tell her that her mother died? If so, you didn't make that too clear. Other than all that, you did well. Good job :) [b][u]Kittychanann[/u][/b] It's [b]Akubar![/b] :P You always wrote it as "Akubra" in your profile. Thought I'd jump that little error. Having said that, your description served you well in your profile. It was quite enjoyable, but I tended to have trouble reading it anyways because of your grammar/spelling. Some sentences were so difficult to read I couldn't understand what they said or meant. Because of that, it didn't really bring out your description too much, but it was noticeable. Now, the eye color changing thingy--it's no good. Magic isn't present in Lo' Urden (Symerals aren't considered magic, mind you) and the whole eye color changing appears to be a magical trait. In real life, do you know anyone who has eyes that change colors with their moods? If there is such a thing, then I'm sorry I doubted you, but I'm completely unaware of such an ability. Next is a big thing. You're writing a journal. When writing hand-written journals in a medieval setting, do you think people would write things like: [quote]*giggles*[/quote] No. Sorry, but those kinds of things are considered bad writing when you roleplay unless you're in a chatroom. You used this tactic quite often through your profile and it didn't work too well. You may have gotten confused and didn't know this is your character writing a journal, but nevertheless, the star thing is unacceptable in any case. [quote]When I was five my Mama was caught stealing again and got a knife to the back.[/quote] Wow. I'm sorry, but that sentence was flat out dull. It was too straight to the point. It needed to be backed up by something. This case happened numerous times through the profile and I expected more from you after reading your great descriptions for her appearance and such previously. You were also too quick to move onto other subjects. [quote]I did let out a scream in some point in time though because he neighbor came running over. The town doctor said that his heart had failed him. For two days I just sat in house and cried. Lets talk more on to happier thing how about. [/quote] It was all dramatic one second and then you want to end it? You can't just cut it off like that. You must flow smoothly into the next event. Also, since this sort of involves the Sisal guy, I find that part a bit bizarre. Sisal kills her mother, then he feels bad and takes the girl in. There are numerous complications that you ignored here. One, wouldn't the girl hate Sisal for killing her mother? Two, why would the father of this girl let the man who murdered his wife care for his daughter? And three, why would Sisal give a damn about this girl anyways? There may be reasons, but you didn't state them and those reasons are no good just being in your noggin. That's about it. I hope these tips helped you and thank you for signing up :^D [b][u]Bio[/u][/b] One of the best signups I got :^D I'm very pleased, Master Bio. Your description was very la de da and intriguing the whole way through. You did tend to ramble here and there, but not enough to lose my interest completely. And I was happy with your character's age. We need an older member for the Spades. The bracers seemed to be the best weapon anyone made for their signups for this RPG. Not only have I used similar weapons for my characters in past RPGs, but they are so damn cool. Your grammar and spelling was very well done and I can tell you probably proof-read and spell-checked it. Good for you. Your wording was very excellent as well. I was also pleased with your further description on Kalenbore. You may have added in your own ideas for the town, but you did it within reason. Now here are some things that need to be said. Why did Demetric's father train him? Just so he can protect himself? So he can become a fighter? You never did state this, though many reasons why do arise. I did notice his life story is a tad cliche too. The whole "mother and father dying" bit has been used waaayyy too often. Lastly, what happened to Demetric once he reached Kalenbore? What was his life like there? What occupation did he take up? How did he join the Spades? Possibly the most important details of your character were left out. [b][u]Inti[/u][/b] First off, you did well with your timeline. You selected a great age for your character and since Krystal starts her career at such an early age, she has the ability to see the world and learn a lot about her future career. Your grammar was wonderful and you described the woman guide just as I pictured her. But there are things that could be improved. First, you rambled a bit in your "Appearance." I mean, look at it. Just by looking at it you can tell it's a headache asking for some Tylenol ;) You described well, but much of that description could have been used in your biography. You must watch out for that. Next, your spelling could have been better. It disappointed me to see your grammar being so ripe and then your spelling be lower class. I'm not sure if you didn't proof-read or just didn't know you made those mistakes. Also make sure not to use "Heh." This is as if your character is writing a journal. When you write a journal, you don't insert things like "ha ha" and "heh." Next things are what you had in your plot. Firstly, why did your father like you the most? Why didn't he take your sisters too? Next, for your first job, you were a guide for a man and his family. You were eleven. Why would a man trust his family's life to an eleven-year-old he just met that claims to be a professional guide? That part seemed highly unlikely. Also, you stated this: [quote]The main thing I learned was to always carry a special ring around your neck, in case the Mares try to attack. They can smell it from miles away.[/quote] Everyone and I mean [i]everyone[/i] knows about those rings. Krystal should have been wearing one the moment she was born. She should already be well aware of the Mares and the mineral that shuns them. Lastly, when I made signups, I had no other name to give this character but "Woman Guide" because that's what she was. I didn't mean to suggest to give her that nickname. I mean, really. What kind of nickname is "Woman Guide?" [b]Bob:[/b] Hey, Woman Guide. How goes it? See? Doesn't sound good XD Good work on the profile, though. [b][u]Misenki[/u][/b] First, Spade 1 posts [i]a lot[/i]. He's the main antagonist and will post more often than any other villain. If you wanted a small, villainous part you should have chosen Spade 3, 4, or 5. Next, though as you stated that your time is short, I would like you to make sure your grammar and spelling are kept up. Proof-read and spell/grammar check your work because this one is filled with errors, sadly. You also tended to babble in your "weapons" part and lots of the description could have gone into your "History." And who is Raphael? I've never played Soul Calibur 2, so I'm completely oblivious. And if your character can throw a knife faster than a man can fire a gun, he's gotta be good :) [quote]It made me sad.[/quote] Now that particularly disappointed me because I saw you made those edits to your RPG's plotline that I suggested and it was much better written. This is poor writing here, though. I know you're definately capable of better and I have proof of that. You also tended to flow into a cliche storyline. It always helps to be a little more original. [quote]Well, now I am the leader of the Spades.[/quote] Why? Why are you the leader? This should also be described. It's one of the most important points in your signup. Also make sure not to discuss present matters in this. In the storyline on the website, I just state that Noah and Noah's Friend disagree with the other Spades and quit. No one ever said what happened after. Lastly, here's a grammar tip that I saw you make a few times. In the case of phrases like "I and my troops," you want to always put yourself last. So it'd be "My Troops and I." Another example for the correct way of doing it is: "My troops, the king, and myself all went to Dairy Queen for a vanilla cone. I had a coupon." Just a tip to improve your writing skills. Good work and thank you for signing up. :) [b][u]MysticKnight[/u][/b] [quote]Always hanging around Olwe's neck is a special ring which keeps him safe.[/quote] Yeah, he better have a ring :) Anyways, I'm pleased to see you had good grammar and spelling, Master Milz. Shows you put effort into this. But here are my tips and critiques. First, you had too many pauses. Like the spot with "When I caught them I would then...play with them. Actually I...I tortured them." It doesn't sound good nor look good. Dramatic pauses are great to use and an excellent writing tactic--if used properly. And you must recall that this profile you wrote is like your character's journal. It's like they're writing it. In a journal, would you put stuff like "Ha ha" and "he he?" Then you shouldn't here either. Those were no good. Writing Tip: The proper way of writing small numbers are in words. If they're something like seven, write it in word form. Numbers like 10,000,000 can be written in their normal digit form, but small numbers shouldn't be (there are cases where it's allowed). Even numbers like fifty or eighty-nine. The next few notes are about your History. I have to sadly say this is all screwed up. It goes against many things and crushes the storyline. I'll start about the rings. In your profile, you state that your character's parents were killed by Mares and that at that point (age fourteen), he learns about rings. Woah, woah, woah. Hold up now. Owle (cool name, bytheway) should have been wearing a ring since his birth. [i]Everybody[/i] knows about and carries a ring with them. It's common fact. He should have always had one. [quote]When I turned 14 my uncle said it was time for me to move out of his house and live on my own. He said I was ready for the real world. So I packed up and got ready to leave. On my way out of the door, my unlce stopped me and gave me a gift wrapped in leather. I had no idea what it was. He told me not to open it until I was in great danger. Yeah right. That night I stayed at a cheap inn; So I went to the home of the richest man in the village. There were rumors that he was a great inventor, but no one really knew anything about him. I snuck into his house one night; at this time I was only just 15 years old.[/quote] Unless your character ages a year every night, that seems highly unorthadox. Your character left his Uncle's home at the age of fourteen and went to an inn that very night. He then left (maybe not the same night, but sometime during the while he was in that town) to the richest man's house in that village to grab a ring. Suddenly he's fifteen years old. How did that work? Next, you make it so Noah is the son of the rich man in this village. Well, dangit. That totally burns my profile. You didn't leave any room for me to write a bio for my character. Also, you stated that Noah's father was the prime leader of the Spades. How can that be when Spade 1 was the founder of the Spades (if you read the signups page on the website, you'd see that). On that same note, you said that Noah and Olwe ran the Spades for a while. Naturally since Spade 1 has always been the leader, that's not possible. Lastly, you said Olwe was nineteen when the tears were found and the seperation happened between Noah/Olwe and the five other Spades. But your profile states that Olwe is twenty at the present time. So that means it would have to have been Olwe's birthday the second the seperation occured. The deal is that you need to get your dates straight. Sadly because of these complications, it knocks you out of the chances. But this can help you in improving your skills for roleplaying. You can always try out for OUAL Act II or III. [b][u]'hEvN[/u][/b] Miss. 'hEvN :^D I'd like to start off by saying great job with your grammar, spelling, and description. They were all of great quality and I needn't say more on the matter. It was wonderful. On the darker side of the force, there are problems with your signups. They're minor, but they still effect. I'll get to the point: [b]rape's no good.[/b] If you haven't noticed, this RPG is rated "PG-VL." Not only does the PG rating stand for very limited adult material, but I also only have "VL," which stood for Violence/Language. This means that sexual content isn't allowed in the RPG. Rape, being the worst of [i]all[/i] sexual content, was not the best choice for OUAL. Think of it as a Lord of the Rings atmosphere. Could you see Arwen the Elf Princess being raped by orcs? Nasty, huh? Well, I'd have to say I didn't enjoy reading that portion of your signup. In fact, I wanted to skip it. Not only would it be a pedophile act because your character was seven, it was totally sickening. It breaks the whole Lo' Urden atmosphere. Putting that matter aside, the more minor errors was that you tended to ramble a bit and the profile became rather lengthy. Though your description was wonderful, it grew boring in some places where description wasn't needed. Writing Tip: The proper way of writing small numbers are in words. If they're something like seven, write it in word form. Numbers like 10,000,000 can be written in their normal digit form, but small numbers shouldn't be (there are cases where it's allowed). Even numbers like fifty or eighty-nine. Good work. Just avoid the sexuality. Dramatic, but not needed. [b][u]DeathKnight[/u][/b] Though I see you're online on AIM at the moment and I can tell you your critiques there, I'll do it here like everyone else's :P But first, I'm gonna grab something to eat. And I grabbed cookies :^D Anyways, I'd like to start by saying what a curious name you chose XD Next, your spelling, grammar, and description was air-mazing! Just a lovely presentation. Your history had cliche, but you make cliche look good! Just wonderful :) On the other note, your signup was really long :p Though your description was excellent, you tended to ramble a lot and therefore the profile extended to great lengths. It got boring at times even. And your weapon... you choose just a simple saber. Not too much, but I hope you have ideas of how to use it in original and intriguing ways. Writing Tip: The proper way of writing small numbers are in words. If they're something like seven, write it in word form. Numbers like 10,000,000 can be written in their normal digit form, but small numbers shouldn't be (there are cases where it's allowed). Even numbers like fifty or eighty-nine. The main thing I want to say is about your gore content. You didn't use it much, but the fact is that you [i]did[/i] use it. This RPG is rated PG-VL. The PG rating itself shows the lack of adult material (though some may be in it if inquired). The VL stands for Violence/Language. If I want substantial gore like how you described this... [quote]He yelled in pain as his entrails spilled out with a simple sort of beauty onto the floor, causing me to grin a bit- it felt fulfilling, the rush was exquisite.[/quote] ... I would have put a G on the rating for "Gore." You can include blood like "Blood dripped from his mouth as he panted for breath," but avoid the nasty. This isn't Kill Adam ;) [b][u]Crucifix[/u][/b] Wee! I must say I'm pleased with your writing, Crucifix. Your spelling was excellent. Your grammar, though, showed some poor quality :( Some of it was easily spotted for anyone, so I'm wondering if you proof-read or grammar checked it. Next, there are two things that you should avoid when writing. The first is "heh" and such things. This profile is like your character writing a journal. Journals, especially ones from medieval-type of ages, do not contain things like "Ha ha" or "heh" so you shouldn't include them. The second thing to avoid is things like this: [quote]*sighs*[/quote] Naughty, naughty. In professional writing (and especially roleplaying), this is a bad thing. Those are only used when expressing action in chatrooms, not in roleplaying. This is your character's journal. They're not going to write what they're doing. Lastly, I have a question about your history that doesn't have to be answered, but should make you think. You mention your character's parents trained her to be a criminal and it was "tradition" and all that sort of thing. You never mentioned the parents' occupations. What are they? That might help give the reader an idea of the situation. Writing Tip: The proper way of writing small numbers are in words. If they're something like seven, write it in word form. Numbers like 10,000,000 can be written in their normal digit form, but small numbers shouldn't be (there are cases where it's allowed). Even numbers like fifty or eighty-nine. Good job :) [b][u]The_Ghost[/u][/b] Now, The_Ghost, the main reason I like your profile is because of your unique way of linking your descriptions and such with Lo' Urden. I bet you thought you'd get brownie points for that. Well, you do, I s'pose. Your thing about Warrenloth and then the bit on the Riflemen. But what I wasn't too pleased about was the poor grammar/spelling quality. Now obviously since you're the only Spade 4 sign up, you're in the RPG, but I'd appreciate it if you checked your work before posting it. Proof-read, spell checker, whatever you do to make sure it's the best it can be. Also make sure not to use "ha ha" and stuff like that. This profile is like your character writing a journal. Journals, especially ones from medieval-type of ages, do not contain things like "Ha ha" or "heh" so you shouldn't include them. Next is the murdering. It seemed too harsh for this RPG. It also seemed to break the atmosphere. I'm aware that there will be violence in this, but drunken fathers beating and killing... it doesn't seem to fit OUAL. I'd appreciate it if everyone tries to avoid that sort of thing. Especially the part about Derrick getting stabbed in the head with a broken bottle. My God, that's graphic! Plus, the fact that alchohol didn't come in bottles in those days. They drank them in mugs. Lastly, and the most unbelievable part, how did the girl trick every one of the Spades into thinking that she was Derrick? That sounds impossible. Cutting hair and telling a few fibs wouldn't do it. Especially since in the modern time now, the Spades are fully aware she is a woman. Maybe that should be editted and she just takes Derrick's spot as it is. That's simple enough. It's not like the Spades shin women. Good luck with the RPG, though, and I hope you take in what I've said :)[/size] [center][img]http://img30.exs.cx/img30/9730/oualbanner.jpg[/img][/center] There you have it everyone. That's the critiques. I'm happy you all tried out for OUAL: Act I, but I'm afraid I must now cut you all down to a select few. For those who didn't make Act I, there is always Act II or III :) And of course, I'll have RPGs after that. [center][b][size=5][u]Cast[/u][/size][/b] [b]Dragon Warrior[/b] - [i]Noah Isildo[/i] [b]ScirosDarkBlade[/b] - [i]Noah's Friend[/i] [b]Inti[/b] - [i]Woman Guide[/i] [b]DeathKnight[/b] - [i]Spade 1[/i] [b]'hEvN[/b] - [i]Spade 2[/i] [b]Bio[/b] - [i]Spade 3[/i] [b]The_Ghost[/b] - [i]Spade 4[/i] [b]Boo[/b] - [i]Spade 5[/i][/center] [b][u]Name[/b][/u] Noah Isildo [b][u]Age[/b][/u] 22 [b][u]Gender[/b][/u] Male [b][u]History[/b][/u] The name's Noah Isildo. That's actually not my real name. My real is Nohetherin, but isn't that a bit of a mouthful? My birth was a faithful summer day. It took place in the countryside about ten or so miles off of Kalenbore. That's where I lived with my family; Mum, Papa, and Loriath. Oh, Loriath is my sister if you're wondering. My life was particularly normal for a country one. We weren't farmers, but we weren't exactly high-living individuals either. Back in my early years, Papa was a carpenter, Mum kept up housework and made the best dang pies around, and Loriath was not old enough to do anything. I'm about five years older than her. All I really did was help those who needed it. I tended to give Mum a hand with the chores, but Papa always called me to do labor with him. It was a painful job, but it toughened me. Any boy should be tough. It prepares you for the outside world. As I grew older, I began maturing (obviously that's natural with everyone). I dropped the name "Papa" and began calling him Father. Mum always remained Mum, though. Gotta love that woman. Father crafted all sorts of things, but he was fond of making wooden training swords for the schools in towns. I often helped him test their durability and picked up a few skills of my own. Nothing unique, though. My sword skill lacked and my gun skill was even more shameful. Father and I used guns for hunting--plain and simple. I never could hit a target. Wait... no, I hit a deer in the leg once. Did I say what I want to be? No? Well, I want to be a professor! And laugh all you like, but it's the truth. Nowadays I look as stern and cruel as they come, but I can't help but have a tender side to me too. I'm not timid, don't get me wrong. Most of my angry side comes from the miserable life I led after leaving home. I left my family at the age of twenty, a very late start for a boy's life. I should have left to be educated earlier in my years, but I couldn't leave home. So upon arriving in towns, I stumbled and fell in my attempts at becoming a professor. I wasn't the smartest man, but I had brains. If anything, I could teach a little swordplay. But as God would have it, I didn't make it in the world. I returned to Kalenbore ashamed. By then I was twenty-one. I had wasted two years of my life--years in which I could have been educated and teaching the world a new lesson. But I only ended up scraping the streets and barely making a job. But I never was dying. Far from it. I had survival tactics in me. It could have been worse out there. I returned to my home only to find it vacant. My family had left, most likely to a city somewhere to make it better in the world--like I should have been doing. Of course I was given notice by some folks in Kalenbore of their escapades. Though I now knew where they were present, I couldn't go to them. Not as a failure. I was going to make it. I remained keeping a job in a tavern of Kalenbore (which doubled as an inn and gave me rent if I cut some of the price from my pay). That is, until I was strapped for cash. I was desperate, I lost my job at the tavern, and the only option seemed to point to criminal activity... and the Spades. [size=1]Noah's past isn't as important as all of yours, so I made his as simple as they come (not to mention there needed to be a change from the melancoly atmosphere of the other profiles XD). But now the RPG can start. It'll take time to get it all set up so you must wait. It'll be up later this week. Good work, everyone. EDIT: Oh, if you have any comments or questions on this, please use the Underground thread, not this thread. Thanks :)[/size]

When I first heard of this movie, it was months ago in theatres as a preview. Looked stupid to me. Just a boring kids movie (I could only assume as much since it wasn't rated at the time). But boy was I wrong. It now looks cool in the newest previews shown on TV. [b]The Story:[/b] As the official site states, it's about a load of famous scientists disappearing and Polly Perkins, a reporter for [i]Chronicle[/i], and the infamous pilot Sky Captain must find out why. The reason why I'm curious is because the movie has an interesting look. It's real life, but for some reason it looks a bit cartoonish. It's like the movie has a coating of toon on it. Call me crazy, I s'pose :^D Has anyone else noticed that? But yeah, I just hope there's more to the plot than what I stated up above :)

[size=1][FONT=Comic Sans MS][b]Actually, I fully agree with Lord Eliwood. What he says is true. Often someone will make a RPG and find no one posting in it or signing up or you're just plain bored and want more to do. You'll produce more than one RPG at a time because you have free time to do it in. The deal is, the more RPGs you have up, the quicker some will die. I was exactly the same way when I was a beginning roleplayer here on OB. My RPGs died because I had too many up. This may not be the case for you, but you'll also be respected as a good roleplayer if you produce one amazing RPG at a time and watch over it instead of making numerous RPGs you made "quickly," as you say. As for your RPG idea in this thread, I also agree with 'hEvN. It has the cliche elements that only bored members will follow through for. I'm aware of your second post stating that you haven't developed this too much, but when you do develop it further, I say you should drop the cliche and go for something new. This'll take time. It took me about a week to fully think through all the concepts and plotholes of [u]Once Upon a Legend[/u]. It's the original ideas that you introduce to OB that are what make people want to be in your RPG. It's medieval? Okay! You want magic? That's fine. And some stones? Sure, why not. Just mix it up a bit while you're at it. Maybe plot out this world more and create some cultures and stuff. Advance on the races, their concepts, all that good stuff. But most importantly, think of a new original idea for the plot. One way you can do this is by going through actual literature, famous or not. When I created the immortality concept of OUAL, it was taken from "Tuck Everlasting." Because I researched through literature, I found the idea of having immortality. And hey, don't stop with one idea. Look through more literature and find other ideas, then somehow link what you get together. The Spades from OUAL weren't even from literature. I got the idea from the Terks of Final Fantasy 7. Say, that sounds easy! It's getting ideas, linking them to other ideas, and creating a whole new concept is what makes your RPG original. Just some tips ;)[/b][/font][/size]

Well, at my school, the homecoming theme of this year appears to be Pirates of the Caribbean. Weee! And so, naturally, I was asked to be their Jack Sparrow in our homecoming parade and whatnot. Fun :^D I have to whoop out my ole costume I wore last year for a school dance and once again wear them! As for the dance, I'm going with a bunch of friends. I'm a Junior so it doesn't really matter too much. Prom matters more to me. Homecoming is just another dance in my eyes.

Yu-Gi-Oh! cards in the show "Yu-Gi-Oh!" I mean, c'mon! They have the power to make people lose everything from their sanity to their lives. If you lose a duel, you lose a lot more than dignity. Though I'm only kidding right now when I say the cards are the best weapon, I just wanted to state how silly that show can seem sometimes. I use to watch it, though, so don't think I'm anti-YGO.

[center][size=5][b]Match 3 Results[/b][/size][/center] Tough match to decide. [b]legatogunsmoke:[/b] You started out iffy. Things could have been proof-read, I have to say. First off, you should've ran your starting post through a grammar/spell checker because I found a few mistakes here and there. Of course, those things don't always get everything so you should read through as well. You would've caught how you changed tenses a few times as well. You were sometimes talking through past tense, then suddenly present tense or something of that sort. That's one mistake many writers make, myself included. It's easily done and hard to catch, especially when it's your own work. The tiniest mistake I saw in your second post (and that really doesn't matter) is that in one part, you used the same word a few times in a row and the sentence sounded redundant. Gotta watch for that. Now for the good stuff. I'd say both ultimamilz and your first posts weren't amazing, and yes, it's true. I'm sorry. But your second post made me happy to see you had more in you than you let us know about. You prove that new members can have some roleplaying skills and your writing abilities are well on their way to being amazing. Out of the two of you, your posts were more interesting to read. They kept me interested [i]because[/i] of your lack of using thoughts too often. You had a nice balance between thoughts and the actual fighting. Lastly, I'd like to end by saying your use of your skills for things other than their intended purpose was awesome. I just loved how you cauterized your wound by using your fire abilities. I'm sure that's really what a survivalist like your character would do in a time like that. [b]ultimamilz:[/b] Now for you, Master Milz :) And just because you're the RPG creator doesn't mean I'll go easy on you ;) Like I said for legatogunsmoke, both of your first posts lacked in quality. But it saddens me to say that yours lacked even more than legato's. The thing was that you switched writing styles. That hurts your score big time. It's worse than changing tenses because you can't always catch yourself changing tenses. You know when you change writing styles because it's intentional. It also looks rather ugly with the "( )" around your description of your fight. I was very pleased to see you changed your ways in your second post, but your first will cost you some. But in your second post, you did tend to ramble with your thoughts. I've mentioned it earlier in this tournament that you should equally even out between thoughts and the match if you use first person. I never said you had to use first person anyways. And it's even more ugly for your writing style if you use bad writing skills. Numerous exclamations points are not necessary to show anger. In fact, it's shunned in the writing world. In your posts I noticed things like: "I would kill him!!" See the many exclamations? Bad :( And things like "UNGGHHH!!!" are not the best choice of words either. You can make that what the character is saying, but it doesn't look to good being one of their thoughts. Oh, and this doesn't count against your score, but it's a tip for any writer who wishes to advance in their skill. When using small numbers like eleven and twenty-two, write them in word form, not as their actual digits. It's an actual rule and you'll notice real authors follow this guideline. The times you can use digits are in larger numbers like 10,047,489,200. Of course, there are exceptions. Lastly, you kind of controlled Legatogunsmoke too often in your first post. Those are, after all, your intro posts. It was a hard match to decide and Milz, you'll hate me for it, but legatogunsmoke takes my vote. Good work, guys.

Well, first off, why bother posting this if you're not going to say what they're about? :( It's no good to us if all we can read is the title and a estimated rating. Secondly, if you have no real storyline to them, you shouldn't be so quick to write a rating. I've noticed they're all Mature/Restricted and this is a common thing I've seen while wandering about the RPG sections of OB. Now, you could be a person who likes to write mature plots and such, but the mistake many make is that they create a Mature RPG because they feel like they're more adult or it'd attract more people. There are other reasons too. But plots don't always have to contain mass amounts of gore and sex to be good. Lastly, you really should stick to one RPG, sir :^D It's okay to plan ahead, but if you keep creating RPG ideas and announcing them for the future, you won't be concentrating on the RPG(s) you currently have out. So, you know, not to be mean or anything, but keep these ideas jotted down for future references and don't be announcing too many of them beforehand. I made that mistake in my earlier years of roleplaying. You won't finish a RPG if you have too many ideas flowing. Good luck, though :)

Sign ups close this weekend. Sorry, it's not possible. I've extended sign ups for far too long anyways. Maybe you could sign up for Act II when it comes out ;)

Hmm... he is an outlaw and outlaws tend to be criminals. If he's into making bargains with the wrong crowds, that could be your solution. He could simply make a deal with a space mafia where he ends up not keeping his end of the bargain and this "space mafia" chucks him onto this desolate planet to die a long and miserable death. Yay! I'm not sure what you mean by he's trying to enlist the help of a gang, though. Maybe you could specify your meaning more?

You mean for [b]Noah's Friend[/b]? Sure, I just said it was a sword, I never said it's size ;) As for the Spades, you're free to do what you want with their weapons. But for the Woman Guide, it's specific that she only uses martial arts and a gun on occassions.

She clearly stated in numerous AIM chats with me that she did that sign up to better herself in practice, but she wanted nothing to do with this RPG. So I beg to differ ;)

Okay, so far I have: [b]Noah's Friend[/b] - 2 signups [b]Woman Guide[/b] - 2 signups [b]Spade 1[/b] - 1 signup [b]" " 2[/b] - 2 signups [b]" " 3[/b] - 1 signup [b]" " 4[/b] - 0 signups [b]" " 5[/b] - 1 signup Obviously there are positions that need to be filled... well, one position. But if you wish to sign up as someone else (I'm talking to those who haven't signed up yet), then feel free to. Spade 4 is needed, though, especially for Act I.

[center][size=5][b]Match 2 Results[/b][/size][/center] Hmm, hmm. Milz is having me do the results now and whoever I state the winner, you may post a killing post. I'll start with Master Deimos. [b]Deimos:[/b] Well now, I see you actually can post (little joke about all the one sentence posts ;)). But you did start out rough and to say the least, you didn't land too cleanly either. First off, you began by god-modding uncontrollably. Though you learned your lesson, you should have known not to godmod by reading the forum rules and therefore it marks you down =/ And then there's how you described things. You often used the word "then" and it made the reading really sloppy and boring. It was constantly "And then he attacked him with his sword. Then he took a punch to the face. And then he was doomed!" You can see how that can't be too interesting to read. But also on that note, you hardly described your character's thoughts and stuff. You described the fight, which is good, but you also described every little move and action, which I state earlier can make things rather boring. You'll want to get an even amount of describing the situation and then the fight itself. Otherwise, you'll get a boring story. You'll also need to send these posts through a grammar/spell checker. I found numerous mistakes, some just simply typos, I'm assuming. Also, proof-read your posts before posting them. It helps catch the mistakes the grammar/spell-checker didn't. Besides these points, I think you did do well using the area and charging your moves to the right degree. My last worry is that these "spawn" things in your last post seem awefully powerful. They can't die, can't be heard, they're faster than the speed of light?! How's Lucifer gonna kill them if he doesn't know they're around--or better yet, since they can't die. These creatures aren't against the rules, but that seems close to god-modding (the worse kind). But other than that, good work. [b]Burori:[/b] Well, people did say you roleplayed well and you didn't make them liers. Your post was most interesting and your wording was of the Gods themselves (Omega, for your sake ;)). My only beef, and I know your first post was for introduction of your character, is that you babble too much. I mean this in the kindest way possible, but you talk about things too often that it makes the reading rather shallow and boring. In your first post, the battle didn't even commence one bit. You spoke of the rain falling on his suit and stuff. That's impressive. But you started telling a backstory and stuff, which is what the profile in the signups was for. You can have the kind of "flashback to my past to explain a situation" bit, but don't make it the center of your post. In your second post you were a lot better. I enjoyed that one more. I know in your first post you can't write that Deimos' character comes out into the Arena (that'd be Godmodding), but you could describe the feeling of the arena (which you did somewhat, but very little) or wrote about your character preparing his weapons, flexing, whatever. Your second post wasn't so out of focus and definately showed more of your roleplaying skill. Good work. I read, wrote, and decided. [b]Burori[/b] wins.

To get music onto your thread, you must upload them onto a site first. You're not capable of doing it on OB, sadly, but I'm sure you can find a host somewhere that'll store your music files (maybe a friend owns a site?). Doing it directly from your hard drive won't even work for you. So if you plan on having music, upload it to a site and copy and paste the URL into the HTML pattern. Also, the music HTML only works in the Arena ;)