echoavalon

As the training grew longer Tokoru had gotten more and more tired. He wasn't going to be able to keep up with this chick much longer. Finally, he just stopped and gave up. His plaything hopped around and shot the final target and the simulation ended. She shrugged her shoulders and left. Tokoru stood in the room trying to catch his breath. He felt fat. No woman could ever best him in battle and it suddenly dawned on him that the days of flings were over and he would have to run faster or die. He left the room and walked down the hall. He left the compound and found the nearest bar. He needed a drink and to be around people not these biorobotic soldiers from Hell. The women were deadly and beautiful and the men were quiet and judgemental. He could feel his skin crawl. He liked Hikari but she needed personality. He drank for a couple of hours and hunkered back to the compound to sleep off the drinks. 9:30 p.m...., he thought, damn I need sleep.

Tokoru starred at this black beauty for a moment and wondered what was flowing through her mind. He could feel this erie chill running through his bones. She was no stranger to death he thought. Noticing oddly shaped ears; he couldn't help, but chuckle. Though his looks had been damaged by his previous eye surgery this woman seemed interested in him. His eyes glazed down to the shiney metallic oddly colored item in her hands and realized she was pointing at him. "Hikari right?," he asked. He definitely liked what he saw. He knew from rumor alone that she wasn't one to be trifled with, but he couldn't help himself. Tokoru wanted her. The body portrayed in front of him was nothing short of incredible and she would be his greatest 'conquest.' "My my you are absolutely delicious, shall we start?" he asked as he pulled out his gun. "Stupid computer, next level, now!" "How about a challenge Hikki?" he asked arrogantly. "If I win you sleep with me?"

Name- Tokoru "Toggy" Age- 25 Gender- Male Appearance- Tokoru is 6' 1" with a medium build. He has short hair, almost buzzed and it is the color black. Tokoru has two brown eyes, though they are often mistakened for black. He wears a white t-shirt with a life preserver looking coat. It is orange and blue with no sleeves. He wears black and red jogging pants, with brown steel toe boots. Personality- Tokoru fancies himself a "ladies man." He is friendly, out-going, obnoxious at times, and arrogant. He has a low view of women, but generally keeps his views about women to himself. He is neither good nor bad believeing that extremes (alignments) are not worth while. As long as he can kill or get laid he is happy. His nickname "Toggy" comes from one of his conquests as an insult and he took the name and kept it. Bio- Tokoru grew up on the streets of Detroit. He learned how to stay alive early in life. His mother was a hooker and his father had been a drug dealer before being killed by crooked cops. He was raised by his grandmother until his 16th birthday when she died. He roamed from job to job. He caught a child trying to pick his pocket and as payment for not turning the child over to the city authorities, the child's father began to teach Tokoru martial arts. One day Tokoru saw a woman being mugged and tried to help her. The woman died and Tokoru took a bullet in the eye. He laid on the ground for 2 days before awakening in a lab. He didn't keep conscience for long. When he awoke again he was on the ground outside. When he asked people where he was their responses were New York City. He found out he had been unconscience for 5 days. Tokoru also realized that his left eye had a machine implanted in it and that information was being recieved and relayed to his brain. Weaponary-Tokoru loves hand-to-hand combat and close-quarter-combat. He carries a knife with a serrated blade with him. He also obtained through very bad methods a long ranged rifle that has a detatchable scope for a quick long range short range change up. Gift- Tokoru has two gifts, one is his eye implant which gives him heighten sight perception. It uses infra-red and night-vision scanning technology up to 100 ft. The other gift is insight. He can sense a persons emotions like a sixth sense though he doesn't not know about this ability or how to control it even if he knew about it. Fear- Tokoru fears death and he fears losing his mind. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I hope this is ok. IM me with problems and/ or rejections. Thnx for this opportunity.

My hate, my corruption, the fools! They thought that I would fold. They thought that I would help them. Now I have the power over the country. They voted me in and that is their undoing. They might survive, if I allow them. They will worship me for I am their god. I am their apocalypse, I am their hell. I will stay in power, I am forever. I will conquer the people and then the world. Anyone who tries to stop me will be killed. Those who join me will die forever. I am the ultimate, the only. Nothing comes before me. If only you knew, that what is holy, Is nothing about me. I am the incarnation of your worst dream.

My friend, a man who could handle anything He made me more than I am. How I will miss him, my friend for good. How I will miss my friend. When we were seniors we'd cruise the town, the world was ours. He made me the man I am today. Those who knew him best could say, "He was a great guy and a friend who gave you little strife." I will never forget all that he has done, for now my life, Will be a little less fun, like a brother who I've now lost. It's so sad for this to happen, to bring his wife to widow, to die so hard, so fast. My last and final words. Good-bye dear friend, I'll come for your family!

In the 12 line of the poem, "with you", seems to be unnecessary. In the second and fourth line I understood that you were in this "shadow world" because you were standing next to it and it was reflecting you. It just seems like you were trying to fill up the line with something that rhymed. I suggest you get rid of that line or fill in something else. In the line "But they are different," I don't quite understand with whom "they" are. In the last line "Juxtaposed to opposites" escaped me for a few minutes, but after reading and rereading the poem and that line, I really like it. This poem is really good and I am able to visualize these images. That's what I like to do when I read a poem. Good job and nice work. I look forward to reading some more of your talent.

I like the poem though it brings up some memories of mine best forgotten. I like the rhyme scheme.

You are an origianl voice in this world of poets with the same writings I think your original style doesn't need to be "salvagable." Though there are some valid points brought up by my critiquing predecessors, you still have a unique talent. Perhaps if you created better flow too your words then fellow poets could better understand your work. Poetry is like a puzzle and it is hard to put the pieces together. Keep doing an excellent job, edit, re-edit, and keep writing.

You do have an amazing talent and you should consider writing professionally. I would like to see more of your work.

My life has begun a change, that might affect the operation. So many people thought, that I could complete the task without hesitation. So when I start out on that road of death and pain, I can remember that I belong to everything. I belong to the earth and rain, I belong to the sea and sky, I belong to the cars and trains. I make it known that my power erupts, from my mind I transform into a man. My soul at peace with Him. My love for her, forever. Give me time and I will emerge and show the world who I am. I am a life form, a crescent spirit, a greatness beyond unknown, I am human.

Alone in splendor, alone in shame. This love I have wrought can end my pain. Inside this hell of self created lusts, I find my mind is about to bust. Given in, and given trust; even in this life I'm at a loss of lust. Happiness gone, life is wrong, trouble always brewing even in song. The woman I sought is the woman I bought. Out on the street in the parking lot. The world's oldest profession, my death in succession hatred unfettered, and unconscience in a collision by a scarlet letter.

An eternal drift on winds of time; sheds light on my life's crime. Hot blooded passion and sexual craze; for two seconds, an infinite faze. Selling my soul the question pops up. To live, and let live, or cut my lover up. Perhaps in time I will accept who I am. I am a new age killer all the way around. All through my life, even when I'm in the ground. Death a magic trick with the illusion of life. There can't be anything after all this strife. Too many questions, too much shit, so many hells that my mind flips. A never ending escape a drop to far. A life always ending, A murder always pending.

In this hole wrapped up in earth I have this famailar feeling. Being attacked from all sides the bottom and the ceiling. I am shrouded in my personal hell Without my hate I will fall My soul I will sell The walls are just too tall. Help me find a precipice To stand on to fight on. Give me grace to dominate. Inside this elongated fake fascade.

From inside my thoughts I have brought myself to This thing in my mind that I have wrought I should never have ventured Through this darkness alone My wife and children all too soon Have left my life and this world through my hand Should I stand Should I cry Should I get on my knees Should I jump and fly Loneliness the killer outside Draws out my fear killing my insides My trials have only begun My love is over my care collapsed Shower me with gifts of hate Gifts of anger and retaliate Your thoughts of retribution succomb To your true anger let it be done Now I have new family new friends Now I have a clean slate no stains My demon inside is ready to rise I need not drugs to commit your demise My mind demolished My love disappeared Just promise me this My death to be swift My color gone in this house of shit

Not bad I wrote a poem similar to this one titled Woman. I think this a very good piece of writing and I applaud you for your gift.