Aurons Ghost

Like Dragon Warrior, I haven't a clue the importance of the shinobi and whatnot, so I'm just going to try and hopefully make some points aboit the structure, but sufficed to say, I agree with earlier posters. Regarding the prologue, the section describing the festival I feel sticks out and does not really fit with what I feel is the setting of the scene. To me it feels as though it is just an excuse for him to have a drink. I also feel overwhelmed by all the information you give about the world. I'm not sure if this was your attempt at the "fly on the wall POV" that Lazarus suggested, and while it is nice to learn so much about the setting in one go, but it, like the festival, sticks out awkwardly. You could include some details about the actual locations as well, architecture, decor and so on, especially since the whole prologue takes place in the one room. I feel kinda lost with just a door, window and a desk being all I, as a reader, know is part of the room. However, I should point out that too much detail can ruin the scene so try to strike a balance. On to the first chapterI have very little to say about this chapter. I appreciate the mystery you're trying to build regarding Orochi, but the repetition of the phrase "important person" tends to get annoying. Would it be too much that a gender be assigned which you could use to reference them, or at least use of "they" to cut down on the "person"s. That's all the comments I can think of for now, but they're only little things I hope. This has potential, so keep it up.

Being an Orc fortunately had it's advantages in the bazaar. His people had a bloodthirsty reputation, so not even the association with Ogarn made people feel safe enough to be near him. The few that did were usually panicked individuals, having just stolen from a shop, picked someones pocket or merely looked at a drunk in the wrong way. These people would have died had Azeck not had other priorities, but nonetheless is took pleasure in their fearas they came face to face with an Orc, they recent crime drained from their mind even quicker than the colour from their faces. As he passed an armoury on his way to an apothocary, he noticed in the wrinkled reflection of a mythril shield that he was being followed. A young boy had his eyes fixed securely on the bag of gold that Ogarn had given him. Azeck slowed his pace suddenly, expecting the kid to walk right into him, an expectation that was met. Swiftly turning he picked the boy up by his neck. Down the street were a group of youths, only slightly older than this one. Azeck guessed the kid was new and wanted to prove himself to the others by picking the only Orc in town's pocket. The kid had failed, but was not yet shamed in the eyes of his friends as they looked on with concern in their eyes. Growling slightly he raised the boy up to his face, allowing his foul breath to escape his lips. He smacked his lips in a human manner that implied tasty food was within reach, hoping the boy had been taught the fairy tales about Orcs and Ogres eating the children of their enemy. His hope was proven true when seconds later a slow trickle could be heard dripping of the boys leg. Seeing his companions burst out in laughter at the boys unfortunate accident he gently placed him back on the ground, carefully centering him in the now wet sand. Letting go, the biy fell to his knees, and Azeck strode off, satisfied that the boy would never pick his pocket again. Or anyone elses as the laughter echoed up to him, now compounded by the sobs of collapsed child. "That was not wise Azeck," growled Lodur as the aeon reappeared at his side. "I did not kill him," muttered Azeck as the shop neared, "merely disciplined the child." "The humans may not see it that way, so excercise further control." Azeck glared at the wolf, but said nothing as he entered the shop.

Mythril clashed against the bone and enamel of Lodur's teeth, yet neither gave way. Azeck raised his DuQ'lon again, feigning a repeat of the previous move, but at the last second, twisting the axe so that the long handle would smash on the aeon's hindlegs. The move was successful, and soon the beast was crippled. This concerned neither Azeck or Lodur as the wolf's healing abilities could have repaired the injury within seconds, and they had done far worse in the past. Azeck was grateful for the aeon's calming presence. Being here among so many irrational, unpredictable creatures, none of whom even claimed to follow a code of honour, was a great strain on his limited patience. He was often tempted to slaughter them all simply because they lied, they cheated and they were proud of it. That however would not suit his plans well. He needed to pretend to be a good little Orc for a bit longer. Ogarn's teachings would give him what he needed to complete his plans, but Ogarn hinted that they would soon be leaving, and Galagrith only knows what that would mean. The looming uncertainty made his blood boil, and his swings for the now injured Aeon became unsteady and threaten to make him topple. After failing to strike Lodur he swung for a nearby tree, sinking the blade of the DuQ'lon deep in its wood. "Gah!" growled Azeck as his head cleared and he realised the stupidity of his recent actions. "You still have a long way to go to tame your impulses," said Lodur, his hind legs audibly cracking as the bones shifted and locked back into place within seconds, "but your destiny is one of few I believe. If you are able to refrain from killing your [i]colleagues[/i], your plan may be a successful one." "Plan?" asked an old voice in a doorway. "Master!" grunted Azeck as the frail old form of the Master Summoner Ogarn appeared. "Ah yes, the plan to unite your Orc brothers and sisters under a banner of peace," he continued, seemingly unaware that Azeck's true goal was to unite them under a banner of their own blood, but neither Azeck or Lodur seemed eager to correct the old man. "I am afraid your plans will have to wait. We are leaving tonight, and I need to be sure you will be able to work with us. I have allowed you tremendous allowances to live how you wish, but soon neither you or I will be able to define how we will live. You are an Orc, you seek order merely through instinct, so I understand this may be concerning for you. "Alas there is little I can do to sway those concerns, and instead I ask you to go in search of healing supplies that we may need on a journey. Potions, herbs, perhaps even an incantation or two." "Master, do you not already have such items in your quarters?" asked Azeck, his mind already loathed to the prospect of having to go into the busy bazaar. "Yes, I do," Ogarn unclipped a bag of money for Azeck to use, "but you do not." Tossing the bag to Azeck, he turned and left the courtyard. "Did destiny predict that Lodur?" remarked Azeck, removing the DuQ'lon from the tree. Lodur said nothing, but chose to dismiss himself, seeing the wisdom behind Ogarn's request and the benefits it could bring to the Orc's progress.

Name: Azeck Age: 24 Appearance: [url=http://ffproject.net/forumwiki/images/Azeck.jpg]Azeck[/url] Race: Orc Alignment: Lawful Evil Profession: Summoner / Axe Wielder Unknown: [url=http://ffproject.net/forumwiki/images/Aqleh.jpg]DuQ?lon[/url]. It manifests in a form using mythril in the blade and a handle made from wood cursed by the dark elves. Legend has it that it was originally intended to drive an ancient elven prince insane, leaching off their strong tendencies for brotherhoods and giving the owner an overwhelming impression of loss. Azeck however had already lost everything when began using it. This disrupted the magic inside it, and now provides strength in times of solitude, and becomes weak should he find himself in an alliance. Aeon: [url=http://ffproject.net/forumwiki/images/Lodur.JPG]Lodur[/url]. A lone wolf that has appeared to Azeck for years. He has guided him through times of abandonment, and offers a channel for Azeck to use up his aggressive impulses that are natural to the Orc kind. Lodur first appeared to Azeck in the desert outside Freeport when he was young. He thought Lodur was a predator, evicted from its pack like he was abandoned by his people. Each too weak to fight the other, and so a waiting game began for who would die first. Or at least that is what Azeck thought. Nine days later when the Orc finally did collapse, it was Lodur who dragged him to a nearby village, and who convinced the locals there to raise the boy, as they?re if he was a mere human like them. Lodur has stayed with him ever since. The aggressive nature of the Orcs has been hard to control in Azeck, and Lodur has helped by providing an outlet for the aggression in any way he can. Both consider themselves lucky that Lodur, though as fragile as any living being, can never be killed by mortal weapons. Deity: Galagrith. Azeck considers his kind to be highly traitorous for abandoning him in the plains outside Freeport when he was so young. Though his adoptive parents, and even Lodur have tried to convince him that his fate was a mere accident, a result of his family clan being unexpectedly overwhelmed by predators while travelling through, he has often felt it is a point of honour for his people to retrieve him so he may start a new clan to replace that which was lost. Yet none have come looking for him, and the few that do travel through his new home look down on him with disdain for living with ?pitiful humans who value nothing except their own well being?. As a result he has grown hateful of his kind, and contrary to the peaceful beliefs he has been surrounded by for years, he prays to Galagrith in the hope that one day he may bring a plague to Areth and eradicate the Orc population. Background: Azeck was indeed abandoned as a child. His whole clan were excommunicated from Orc society. His father claimed it was a simple misunderstanding that the Patrich Clan were the ones being dishonourable, but his arguments fell on deaf ears, or the ears of family who had heard this many times already. Three months after leaving Aggarathar they entered the Freeport desert, and were ambushed by several large and fierce beasts. No one had eaten for days, and the fight they put up against the creatures was pathetically futile. Azeck, being the youngest, and least filling for the creatures, was left for dead once they had eaten their fill of his family. That was when Lodur first appeared to him on the horizon, and so did the DuQ?lon. Azeck woke from the attack to feel the sand soaked in blood. The bodies of his parents and older siblings lay around him, and in the centre of it all, half buried in the ground, stood the axe. Despite the carnage around him, he approached it and tore it from its foundation. It glowed somewhat, and shook as blue sparks ran across its length, before becoming silent in his hands. He felt stronger now, and despite the wolf on the horizon, he began marching towards the Freeport, unsure of what he may find there. Nine days later he woke up in a small village along the road to Freeport, a dog lay sleeping by the side of his too small bed, and a concerned human couple stood over him. He reached for the DuQ?lon but it was gone. In panic the young Orc smashed his way from the hut, only to be met with six men, each carrying a sword. The dog that had been sleeping padded out to find him, and explained everything to him, and convinced him to become part of this community. Fourteen years passed since then before he discovered what the dog really was. The Wolf from the desert, the Aeon Lodur. The animal that had many times been brought close to physical death in painful attempts for Azeck to control the anger in his blood. But the aeon could not prevent what was to be, could not predict what would happen when he discovered his adoptive father was having an affair. The dishonour he brought on his family, even his adoptive son, for cheating on his wife was all it took for Azeck to lose control. Using an assortment of kitchen utensils, he exacted penance on the man. Executed him in a most painful manner, a manner that he had only vague recollections of from Aggarathar. Fearing what the humans may do to him, he abandoned his own honour and fled the town. Lodur followed him, and the DuQ?lon reappeared in his hands. Not long after that, he heard of a master Summoner in the city of Torikarn who was looking for students to continue his legacy. Wanting to forget what he had done to the humans who cared for him, and raised him, he sought out Ogarn. The old man was so happy to have an Orc as a student; ?The being who may bring an end to the bloodthirsty practicality of the Orc? was his wish for Azeck. Azeck wanted none of it though, just wanted to learn how to be a master Summoner so that he may bring the end to the Orcs. At night he prayed to Galagrith so that he would not have to, and during the day when not immersed in study, he sparred with anyone who thought themselves worthy, or Lodur when the drunks learnt to avoid Azeck's haunts. Azeck hates himself and what he is. Some may say he shows signs of being suicidal, but he has no intentions of dying until he is the last breathing Orc. They abandoned him and his family when he was a child, and their instincts led him to butcher the man he called father. He only feigns love for all beings as a means to an end, to learn what Ogarn knows.

Name: Azin Gender: Male Age: 18 Demon Form: Thor Weapon: Aegir Rank: Demolitions Expert Physical description: [url=http://ffproject.net/forumwiki/images/Azin.jpg]Azin[/url] Personality: Loyalty was always a strong point for his life, and was what his psyche lived on. When he woke up and discovered the emotions that now existed within his mind, he was too quick to use them, namely fear. He had never been left to fend for himself. He was given tasks, and he completed them, no questions. Such was the extent of his loyalty. Feelings however changed all that. They challenged his very way of life and threatened to drive him over the edge of sanity. He lived on though, and now is precariously balanced in his mind. The only thing that gives him the clarity to function is his work, a goal given to him by his leader. Otherwise, he can seem unstable, aggressive and placid, intelligent and ignorant, confused and understanding, but one aspect always seems to prevail: loyalty. Combat Tactics: Due to the Aegir?s design, Azin is somewhat of a brute force fighter. Depending on his state of mind at the time, he may or may not use strategy, but chances are he will not. He is slow to act and his coordination is something to be desired. What he lacks in accuracy and speed though he makes up for in strength. Skills: A strange affinity for technical items and machinery. The amount of concentration he needs to maintain that level of work is enough to sooth his mind, and is useful for those in need of getting something fixed. Phobias and Weaknesses: Losing his place in the world is perhaps his greatest fear. He knows who he is, who he must obey, and who he can rely on. However, this is also his weakness. It is only his loyalty and focus that keeps him on the safe side of sanity, and to lose that would bring him down. Pet Peeves: Betrayal, and poor focus, if only because they remind him of what he feels is wrong with himself.

Very nice. Knowing very little about the culture it's based on, I still find it quite intriguing.

Very nice work. Towards the end I find this tale to be quite beautiful. A small nit though, in the section where you introduce Shizuka, [QUOTE]Once he was sold to the slave traders, a teenage girl names Shizuka took her in.[/QUOTE] you seem to mix up the him and her, or at least that was how I read it. Anyway, as I said, very nice (and kudos on the pic too)