Allamorph

[quote name='Retribution][font=Arial']I think it's natural for a lot of members to put modship on a pedestal. I guess it takes a brief step into the shoes for disillusionment.[/font][/quote] [FONT=Arial]Yeah, I see Moderator-ship as more of a responsibility and slight honor than a social platform. I'd be real leery of mods that gained their positions through sheer popularity.[/FONT]

[quote name='Deus ex Machina][color=darkorange']Well, like any good prostitute, I'm going to claim inability to escape and live on in shame :p[/color][/quote] [FONT=Arial]He says that with such oblivious [I]pride[/I].....[/FONT]

[FONT=Arial]Quick note for [COLOR="DarkRed"]SunfallE[/COLOR]: Nathan will [I]not[/I] be wielding his scythe right off the bat. Also, it would seem prudent to have some sort of interfering sub-enemy get in the way before we actually get to the Count, so's our people can have themselves a nice little warm-up brawl. :animesmil Wraiths work, or some of those things Alex fended off earlier (bone dragons?); they don't necessarily have to be vampire minors if that makes [COLOR="darkred"]DB[/COLOR] edgy. That and it milks the action, I think. Override me if you guys don't want to bother with it, though.[/FONT]

[quote name='indifference][COLOR="Indigo"']Anyway, I'm assuming that you're going to get this going Allamorph? Or are you going to do the bit with Isen first?[/COLOR][/quote] [FONT=Arial]Yes. [B]Edit:[/B] Sorry, guys. That took [I]way[/I] too long for what it was, and an absolutely Bizarro dream Sunday morning didn't help any. Anyway, if you were waiting on me, [COLOR="DarkRed"]indi[/COLOR], go ahead. I'm outta the way now. Post titled because it's a tangent. (Liek, no wai.) Other than that, I consider us still entrenched in [B]Enjoy The Silence[/B].[/FONT]

Tangent: Little Cat Feet The city the shinigami watched over was a modest one, respectable in size, easily claiming seven-hundred thousand, its streets almost constantly bustling—choked at times, especially around noon—with its busy occupants. The city?s several renowned tourist attractions and large shopping centers added to the flow, contributing the most on holidays, as would be expected, and so the city's utility departments were designed to handle quite the load. At the urging of economic and demographic advisors, the city's entire water system facilities had been relocated several years ago to what was now a location about four and a half miles outside the current city limits, abutting the river whose path curved around the city on its way to the sea. Later, the board initiated work on a new electric plant that would take advantage of the location, centralizing the city?s utilities while simultaneously providing a much cheaper source of power, which up until that point had been supplied by a plant some several hundred miles away. Though the power station was as yet a few months from completion, the current compound still occupied a sprawling territory along the riverbank, stretching for at least three city blocks in any direction. Though it possessed little in the way of height?the tallest point would be the control booth atop the soon-to-be finished dam?it was still impressive to look at, particularly from the hilly region to the plant?s south. If she hadn't been focused on her descent, Isen would have felt the same. She would have preferred, of course, to have simply entered the complex from the simplicity of the sky, but Nathan had been adamant about his instructions being followed precisely as given, and when he got into that mood she didn't even think about arguing. He had covered himself well during their hasty exchange, but she had easily seen that he had been very tense and very agitated about something, worse than back in their apartment. She hadn't seen him that affected since well before their relocation, right after.... Once on level ground, she headed for the nearest corner of the facility, where the sewer pipes ran into the river. Her eyes darted rapidly from side to side, anxious to catch any possible watchers. Again she was going against her natural instinct, but Nathan had insisted that she was less likely to draw suspicion while corporeal, should she be noticed. This directive had made even less sense than his first command, but like before she obeyed. Not without question, but that was his fault for not answering them beforehand. As her trek led her in range of the perimeter security cameras, she unconsciously quickened her pace. She was not used to being seen in such situations, and she sent several virulent thoughts in the direction of her companion's aura, which she could still vaguely feel. It made her feel slightly better; Isen made a mental note to give Nathan a piece of her mind afterwards, and she smiled at the thought. It was not a very pleasant smile, and on a cat it looked downright evil. She reached the river and approached the entrance to the nearest pipe, discarding her tangibility as soon as she?d rounded the corner. It wasn't the one she cared about; her objective was the second to last pipe, which she flew slowly off towards. She'd made doubly certain which one she?d needed to access after Nathan had told her what part of the city he was interested in. She wanted to spend no more time on this jaunt than absolutely necessary, and if that meant a bit of out-of-the-way research, then so be it. Isen was quite glad that she hadn't been told to keep her body while on this leg of the excursion. Spirits? bodies did not directly interact with the living environment unless they willed otherwise, and an ethereal nose picked up no scents. Isen didn't want to know what her surroundings smelled like. She reached her goal with barely a glance down any of the other sewer lines and, still uncertain why she was doing it, floated inside to begin the long, tedious navigation back towards the city.

[quote name='Odin M Yggdrasi']I am told that my mind works kind of like Spock from Star Trek- while I do have emotions I have problems identifying and understanding them. I've been working on it, and am getting better, but still am below where I should be. Logic just makes so much more sense. Abstract concepts, which emotions are a very good example of, tend to stall me a little bit- but once I figure out what they are and how they work I am fine with it.[/quote] [FONT=Arial]Well, to put it simply from someone who kinda works the same way, it's Logic's job to make sense. :p Abstract concepts are the other side of the equation. (You might be surprised to know this, but logic works best while intertwined with abstraction, and sometimes the best thing you can possibly do for yourself is to be utterly stupid for no reason at all. Like pie. Or Uncle Ub's umbrella, and his underwear, too.) Incidentally, Spock has no problems identifying and understanding his emotions; he just sees no logical sense to them. As long as we're arguing about fictional, abstract persons, that is. Anyway, I have no state of mind any more. I got rid of it a while back because it was cumbersome and interfered with my abject logic. I just basically decide who I am as I go, which is much more convenient. Mostly I'm Difficult. It's amusing, and makes people roll their eyes when they see my (user)name attached to anything. Speaking of pie, I have a post to finish....[/FONT]

[FONT=Arial]It occurs to me that perhaps this thread should have been titled [B]RPGs You [I]Thought Might[/I] Fail[/B]. ...just sayin'.[/FONT]

[FONT=Arial]I'll be putting something in here soon. I have some other things I want to get cleared up first. I gotta stop having flippin' weird dreams.[/FONT]

[quote name='Deus ex Machina][COLOR="DarkOrange"'](the reason I say you went overboard is that if every piece of it is bad, you could have just said it was all bad, lol.)[/COLOR][/quote] [FONT=Arial]Of course, that only because you're [I]assuming[/I] I just said everything was bad. I didn't. I was markedly vague about it; all I said about the piece as a whole was that it wasn't great, and the parts where I went through the trouble of specifically saying "Ouch" were instance-only. Utlimate fear, for example. :p But no, it's not completely and utterly awful. It's about average for someone with your experience, so even though I did essentially dissect you there, it's only to help you make yourself better. If I was going to utterly crush you, I'd have done so. And if you notice, I said very little about grammar and syntax. I had two reasons for that: one, I was focusing primarily on content for you; two, there's very little technically wrong with your syntax, really. It's pretty basic, meaning you need to read accomplished authors more, but it's not incorrect. [QUOTE][I][COLOR="DarkOrange"]When it comes to learning through imitation... it's difficlut becaus eI hate feeling like I'm ripping someone off.[/COLOR][/I][/QUOTE] Don't. At least, don't worry quite so much, because it's going to happen. I mean, think how many times current musical artists have ripped off Pachelbel's Canon. [URL="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JdxkVQy7QLM"][COLOR="Blue"]Thou Shalt Click.[/COLOR][/URL] And people like Bach, who wrote hundreds of pieces of music during his life, frequently borrowed material from their contemporaries, who usually returned the favor. Plagiarism is only direct copying, my boy. You can't sue someone because they used the Good vs. Evil concept, or the Hot Gun-toting Chicks concept. That'd be tantamount to saying Carolyn Keene (Nacy Drew author) paigarized Franklin W. Dixon (Hardy Boys author). Both had a trio of leads and their supporting attachments (male and female appropriately), but nobody ever got head-up about it. [QUOTE][COLOR=DarkOrange][I]90% of the stories I start (none I show here, btw) copy the style of my favorite novel Boogiepop and Others and every time I end up deleting it uz I feel like I'm just copying it, lol.[/I][/COLOR][/QUOTE] See, this is why you need to read more; it'll give you a wider base to work from. Having mostly read this novel (which falls in the Graphic novel genre, correct?), you have already severely limited yourself. Also, I remember you mentioning to me earlier that unless I told you something of a book's plot, you wouldn't go for it. You're going to have to change that. :animesmil (I'm dead serious about J. Carey. Trust me.) [QUOTE][COLOR=DarkOrange][I]However, looking back at PoB and AtA which I wrote recently (AtA is irrevocably bad, though) one of the biggest problems is that I tried to write a movie/show. See, I don't really like books that much, i've got a thing for cinema, and I ended up trying to copy styles from that realm instead, which doesn't work all that well. At all. Anywho, thanks for the tips. [/I][/COLOR][/QUOTE] :animesigh There's nothing saying you can't write a cinematic novel. Jim Butcher also does [I]that[/I] extremely well, which is why partly Sci-Fi turned it into a series. You just need to learn what words stimulate the desired response of your audience's Third Eye, and then learn which word needs to go where. And that will come with time and experience. ...like most everything does. :p I'll get to Ch. 1 when I have another long stretch of free time.[/FONT]

[FONT="Arial"][SIZE="3"][CENTER]Mind Games[/CENTER][/SIZE] I’m dreaming. It’s midday. My vision is disembodied, coasting along the warm air currents above the ground. Below me is a river, its sparkling water winding powerfully through the light jungle to either side. A wide strip of white sand banks the river to my left, and as I drift lower I begin to make out people moving on it. A voice sounds in my head. [I]What is the mind?[/I] Is it my voice? I can’t tell. Directly below me—almost behind me now—and a little to my left is a large building of white concrete; its skeletal form and the plethora of workers on it tells me that it is still under construction. The workers are dark-skinned and mostly bare-chested, and they call to each other in sounds I cannot understand. Am I in Africa? The thought barely registers before it the breeze carrying me dissipates it. I see my father on the beach now. His appearance is unmistakable (aside from the fact that he is white): his neatly trimmed hair is almost pure white, and yet his face and form still have yet to show any distinct signs of age. He is talking with the foreman of the project. I’m not surprised; his competence and work ethic usually land him in these positions. The foreman is listening attentively, arms akimbo and laughing occasionally, while my father makes explanatory gestures and shakes his head at intervals. My vision spins around, the construction to my right now, and I see a tall, multilevel bridge spanning the river. It is wooden, but the wood is peculiar: it is a dark olive green in color, and I can see that its grain is thick and coarse, almost looking like wax that has melted and run down the sides of a lit candle. Such clarity of vision at this distance is strange, I think, even as I seem to bank towards my right and around again. My father has turned, his gaze lifting upward. He is waving, but not to me…no, it [I]is[/I] me; I raise my hand and wave back as I run along one of the higher levels of the concrete construction. It is break time, and I am running alongside Kato, weaving, dodging and spinning around the other workers. He and his brother Jahari have been teaching me to freestyle between shifts, and we are heading towards Jahari now. Kato darts left to avoid a table saw. I wall-run to the other side, kicking off to clear the steel beam being carried the other way by two more workers, my long legs easily lending me the needed height. The men we flash past laugh, calling good-natured admonitions and threats after our backs. [I]How much do you know of it? of your own?[/I] I am barely conscious of the voice now as we skid to a halt. Jahari has his bicycle with him. I’ve seen him using it here before; he is very good with it, but today he wants me to try. I oblige, and we head higher, where there are less people. It is a small, inexpensive bike—at least by my standards—but it handles surprisingly well, and soon I am hopping between pillars on its front wheel and bouncing off of other obstacles that I make part of my path, while the two boys run beside or behind me and cheer me on. [I]Can you understand what drives it?[/I] We are running, from what or whom I don’t know. I try to steer towards the paths down, but every time a nameless terror overtakes me, and I am helpless but to swerve the other direction. Jahari is a few feet behind me; Kato managed to dive down below a while back. I can hear his panicked voice beneath us calling for help. I am running out of room. The edge of the building is closing in on me, its open face threatening me with a plummeting death. My arms will not turn me right. To the left is more open wall, barring my escape, and I cannot go back. I try with all my might to slow down, to force myself right, to give me any amount of time more to outrun my pursuer, but instead my body speeds up, pedaling ever harder, ignoring my silent cries of impending danger. Time grinds almost to a halt as I careen over the edge. The river is below me, now, the bridge to my left. I thrust the bicycle down, keeping it from becoming tangled with my limbs as I fall. I hear the voice again. [I]You are your mind. There is no separation between your mind and your body but what you place there. As you feel, so your body responds. As you learn, so your body grows, and the reverse of both is always true. Simple mastery of one or the other will gain you nothing; you must understand them both.[/I] I will myself left, towards the bridge. Beneath me, the bike plunges into the river; I know that if I join it, the current will sweep away any control I might have left, and if I survive the passage under the bridge, I may not make it out for several miles. Miraculously, my will power works. Time returns to normal, and my outstretched arm strikes a wood beam, my chest slamming into the harsh roughness of a walkway. Pain sears outwards, my fingers blessedly tensing into vise grips in response. A strangled groan escapes me, and I attempt to drag myself onto the bridge. There are workers here, too. By my sense of their footfalls, they seem to be children; I am directly in their path as they carry laden baskets from one side to the other, but they seem unsurprised at my arrival, leaping lightly over me and continuing on their way. My youngest sister is among them. She is twelve, and much quicker than our other sisters, though she doesn’t yet realize it. Her confusion is billowing off of her in sickening waves, at least to my empathy; I freeze, trying to melt myself into the coarse wood to allow her across. She gets her right foot over me, then stops. There’s barely any room on the walkway; I know she put the wrong foot forward, and if she doesn’t push off correctly she could lose her balance and take my place in the water. “You’re good,” I call to her, trying desperately to stay her big brother. “You got this.” I try to send courage back along my empathic sense to her, willing her to take the next step. It seems to work. She moves slowly, but I know she’ll make it. [I]If you cannot feel, if you cannot understand….[/I] The wind gusts. I curse the voice with all my heart; I know what words come next. [I]…you will fall.[/I] In an instant I hurl myself backwards off the bridge. I kick at its frame, I streamline myself in a desperate effort to gain speed on my sister's plummeting body. Her terror is overwhelming me; my heart screams obscenities, my mind screams prayers, my mouth is screaming her name. I break the water a second after her body plunges through. It’s not soon enough; my arm lashes out in the direction of the current, and my hand latches onto her ankle. I yank myself to her and wrap myself around her as I prepare for the wooden death trap that must follow. Pain flares in my back, almost costing me my air…but I’m not moving. It’s the bike, pinned by both tires across the opening I would have been swept through. My right side feels like fire where the pedal must have torn across it, but I thank it anyway, and wrapping one arm tighter around my sister I fight for the surface. My head explodes into air, and again I clutch wildly at the wood of the bridge. There is a walkway here, too; I roar with all of my lungs, more to draw attention to our plight than out of any sense of machismo. Feet pound the planks around me, hands grasp at my sister’s unconscious body, but I can see nothing for the water in my eyes. I feel her taken up and to safety, and with a final effort I throw myself onto— —a dirt road. [I]–Wait…what?![/I][/FONT]

[quote name='Vicky][SIZE=1']I'd also shoot them and tell everyone it was God's wrath.[/SIZE][/quote] [FONT=Arial]Good show! [I]*smack'd*[/I] You're right, by the way. God doesn't hate homosexuals. He hates homosexuality, but not the person.[/FONT]

[quote name='Shy][size=1']Next you're going to want to stop protesting at courthouses because people get married there.[/size][/quote] [FONT=Arial]Actually, that's part of the ceremony. "If any now present object to this union, speak now, or forever hold your peace." Or something like that. :p Your logic doesn't hold much water. This was not a public figure; it was a young man who died in the line of duty to his country, and the protesters were not protesting his funeral, but the morals of this country. If I may quote Snyder: [QUOTE][I][FONT="Arial"]?Everybody?s under the impression that the First Amendment gives them the right to do anything, say anything ? anywhere at any time. Along with the First Amendment also comes responsibility.?[/FONT][/I][/QUOTE] Just because you have the [I]abillity[/I] to say something [U]does[/U] [U]not[/U] mean you have the [I]right[/I]. The First Amendment was written so that citizens would not have their voices taken away by a government they disagreed with, [I]not[/I] so they can be ***-holes. If a group wants to protest it's [U]government's[/U] stand on ethics, then let them do it in front of a legislative building or other such [U]government[/U] building. Chances are, if I am going to beat the ever-loving **** out of you because you were cheering on my son's death, I wouldn't give a flying flip about your damn First Amendment rights, because you [I]consciously chose to abuse them.[/I] No. They didn't have the right to be there and do what they did. At All.[/FONT]

[quote name='MomoDesu']I am rather strange and I prefer it that way. [/quote] [FONT=Arial]Well, then, come join the club! :animesmil Perhaps you could even add to our spamfests in the pocast comment boxes over at theO. [QUOTE][I]The answer to all of life's questions: do a barrel roll.[/I][/QUOTE] StarFox FTW.[/FONT]

[FONT=Arial]Oh, dear [I]Lord[/I] yes! Yes yes yes!! I'd even enlist in a heartbeat just for that pleasure.[/FONT]

[quote name='Gavin][SIZE="1"']Anyway, "Your face" is probably the worst one I've heard, a buddy of mine in high school uses it on everyone for anything and it's become just a joke that you laugh at when he says it.[/SIZE][/quote] [FONT=Arial]'Round here, that version kinda evolved into Bobby's Face, because it was. Truly, it was.[/FONT]

[FONT=Arial]Is is just me, or do the Free Speech Zone barriers look a little too much like props from [I]Escape from New York[/I]? I'm glad you people realize that the Phelps mob doesn't represent our beliefs in any way. Thank you for being sane.[/FONT]

[FONT=Arial]Well, looks like I won't need to edit, since you've kindly gone and posted. In that case, let's get started. "There might be some momentary discomfort." [CENTER]-------------------------[/CENTER] I'm going to start off by telling you pretty much the same thing I tell everybody else: you as the author are in the unique position of already having the story clearly (one would hope) envisioned in your head. No one else has that luxury. I think you kind of grasp this already, but I don't think the concept has completely registered...which is fine. So let's just run over it again real quick-like. Since your audience has no knowledge whatsoever of your universe, they know only what you tell them. This not only means that you explain thoroughly what you tell them, but that you also explain thoroughly what you [I]don't[/I] tell them. [QUOTE][COLOR="Navy"][I]^^;; it occurs to me that there are certain things I know that no one else knows which I don't realize no one else knows XD. I did intend, though, for the first chapter not to make much sense - I obviously haven't even touched the backstory here. I just don't want to do this in a boring, linear way....[/I][/COLOR][/QUOTE] I understand, but timeline and content are not necessarily the same thing. Controlling the order in which the audience is aware of chronologically important information is not a bad thing; a lot of authors do that anyway. You still need to make sure the reader understands that they're not supposed to understand yet. You'll see what I mean as we go. [CENTER]-------------------------[/CENTER] [QUOTE][I][COLOR="Navy"]For a very long time, the kingdom of blue and the kingdom of red have been at peace. Ever since Queen Blue and King Red got married, the kingdoms have become like one.[/COLOR][/I][/QUOTE] That's all the intro we get? We don't even know what these kingdoms are yet; is it important that they're at peace, or is that kind of a normal thing? Did they have a past history of violence? More importantly, are they the only kingdoms around, or are there other nearby principalities, and is conflict normal for those feifdoms or not? I mean, think about your audience's position, here. All we know from your first sentence is that there's this kingdom called [COLOR="Red"]red[/COLOR] (for whatever reason) and there's this kingdom called [COLOR="Blue"]blue[/COLOR] (for whatever reason), they don't capitalize their names (for whatever reason :p ), and ....... they're, umm, not ... fighting. Righty-[I]O.[/I] Your second statement tells us a little of why there's peace, but again, it's still really bare-bones. Was the primary motivator for the marriage love, or political security? And you don't even have to tell us the truth right away. You can say what [I]ostensibly[/I] happened, what the common people were told, and not give anything away about whatever dastardly plot might have been hatched between the two rulers while their parents (or initial spouses; remember arranged marriages) were still alive. And even then, there are sure to be rumors flying around the countrysides of [COLOR="Red"]red[/COLOR] and [COLOR="Blue"]blue[/COLOR], started by God-knows-who, (Prem? :p ) about the "real" reasons for the marriage. They might be true; they might be tales concocted by restless, malcontent peasants. Ya. These things be complicated. All the more reason to just have fun with it. Provided your fun works in the story, of course. And so we are told of the heirs. Who are they? What do they look like? What [I]are[/I] they like? What [I]do[/I] they like? Do they like kittens, hunting, drawing, sleeping, gin, scotch, bourbon, rye, wine, scotch, bourbon, gin....? [I]*kick'd*[/I] Ahem. Moving on.... [QUOTE][I][COLOR="Navy"]Our story begins....[/COLOR][/I][/QUOTE] Whoa. Stop right there. No. No, no, no no no no no. If you do this, you are [I][U]required[/U][/I] to either actively and openly participate as a vocal narrator or create a Narrator personality to actively participate in your stead. Whether or not you did so in the previous three sentences is uncertain, but nowhere else in the rest of your excerpt did you use this format. It's a nice effect, but you [I]have[/I] to have consistency in what you do. Effect is great ? Jim Butcher is magnificent with it ? but it must be used in the right places. Personally, I find that that type of narration is more suitable for comedy and children's stories. I'm pretty certain that this isn't either one. (Gore and lesbians for six-year-olds! Hooray! :p ) [QUOTE][I][COLOR="Navy"]Our story begins on the day of Princess Cassandra's 16th birthday while the princess and the queen prepare for the ceremony.[/COLOR][/I][/QUOTE] Spell out "sixteenth". What ceremony? What preparations? Is Cassandra looking forward to it, or dreading it? [QUOTE][I][COLOR="Navy"]In her room, Princess Cassandra pouts over having to wear frilly clothes, and wonders if her sister Sophie, who lives in the Red Kingdom, will show up and cause a fuss.[/COLOR][/I][/QUOTE] Good with the pouting, but here would be a great place for a small snippet of dialogue to showcase her sentiments, as well as to pull out bits of hers and her mother's personalities. We can learn just from a few exchanges how the Queen Blue feels about her daughter, the ceremony, Sophie (or at least Cassandra's concerns about Sophie), and maybe even the King Red; and that's just from one side of the conversation. The effect that dialogue will have here, following the introduction the way it does, is that of slowly zooming in. You'll also be able to transition less like whiplash to Sophie's entrance later on. Also, is Sophie prone to causing fusses? (This could also be handled during the dialogue, or during a brief foray into Cassandra's thoughts between spoken lines.) [QUOTE][I][COLOR="Navy"]Peering through the red tint of her sunglasses, her gaze encompassed all parts of the chamber.[/COLOR][/I][/QUOTE] So her gaze is peering through the .... Ya. When you use this syntax, make certain your main subject is doing the verb-at-the-beginning-of-the-sentence. Also, I don't think I'd use "encompassed" there: [INDENT][I]Peering through the red tint of her [designer?] sunglasses, [U]she[/U] swept her gaze across the entire chamber.[/I][/INDENT] Sophie is the one doing the peering. Not her gaze. Gazes don't peer. :p (Gazes can be peering, adjectively speaking.) [QUOTE][I][COLOR="Navy"]Centering the room, as expected, was a massive staircase leading to the rooms of the royal family, and the large room was dotted with doors along it?s walls.[/COLOR][/I][/QUOTE] The "as expected" line is a little disorienting. [I]We[/I] certainly don't expect the staircase to be there. Obviously Sophie does, but you'll need to distinguish between the two. Also, is it spiral, or does it start in the center of the room and go backwards? And instead of the large room being dotted with doors, try saying [I]"numerous (or synonym) doors dotted the walls of the large (definitely synonym; expansive?) room"[/I]. It's more interesting that way. [QUOTE][I][COLOR="Navy"]Her five inch plat formed boots tapped along the ground as she slowly advanced into the room. The candy-cane colored socks which climbed her thin legs rubbed against each other as she strode. Frilly lace decorated the bottom of her skirt which reached halfway down her thigh, decorated by a swirling pattern. Her left hand rested on the bit of skin between her skirt and her long-sleeve, button up shirt. Over her shoulder rested a purse and around her neck a bold red tie. To fend against the winter temperature, she wore crimson mittens and earmuffs with headphones built into them.[/COLOR][/I][/QUOTE] Very nice detail. Still, your sentences are basically the same, and so the image you're painting is somewhat lost by the fact that you're redundant. You could make three sentences out of the six you have there, or maybe even two, and that description would feel considerably better. (And now I have to try....) [INDENT][SIZE="1"][align=justify]Long candy-cane colored socks rose from tight, black leather platform boots up to her thighs, stopping just short of the lace-frilled bottom of her flamboyant black skirt, which was decorated with mesmerizing white swirls and rested on several layers of petticoat-like undergarments so that it flounced outward instead of down. Her formal, long-sleeve white blouse doesn't quite reach down to her skirt's waist, leaving visible a tantalizing strip of cream-colored skin, and a bold red necktie rests loosely around her neck, tied well below the open button of her collar. Her hands and ears are protected by crimson faux-fur mittens and earmuffs; the thumb of her left hand is hooked casually behind her skirt's elastic waistband, and her right arms swings free, a small black leather purse slung over her right shoulder by one strap. Strains of [I]Stairway to Heaven[/I] drift out from the headphones built into her earmuffs.[/align][/SIZE][/INDENT] Okay, so obviously with all the crap I threw in there, two sentences just wasn't gonna happen. And even though I'm sure you can see the difference between the two descriptions, I really don't think I did all that well with it; I mean, you can see how easily I let myself switch to present tense between my first and second sentences. [QUOTE][I][COLOR="Navy"]Surely her sister was on her way downstairs.[/COLOR][/I][/QUOTE] From this, I can infer that Sophie knows of the ceremony and somewhat of its timing, but it's not an immediately obvious connection, so you should really say a bit more there. Sophie's plans at this point don't even need to be mentioned; just talk a little about the ceremony. [QUOTE][I][COLOR="Navy"]Her naive, foolish sister, bound to the rules of society. Just a simple girl, living in the world of a teenager, thinking she?s unique. Sophie would have to show her the truth.[/COLOR][/I][/QUOTE] This makes absolutely no sense. Nothing in Sophie's as-yet revealed personality lines up with this. Actually, nothing of her personality (save her outfit) has been revealed at all, so what I'm saying is that there's no precedent. Build Sophie's jaded outlook more, so that the line about showing Cassandra the truth actually has emotional impact, instead of more whiplash. [QUOTE][I][COLOR="Navy"]Within a holster at her side rested a magnum.[/COLOR][/I][/QUOTE] Should have placed this in the description ? which, I might add, still failed to say anything about her physical appearance. Also, it's a magnum, and she's one-handing the sucker when she fires it. Magnums are heavy, dude. Does that seem right to you? Justify, justify. [QUOTE][I][COLOR="Navy"]Above, from the hallway upstairs, she heard a door opening. From her pocket, she unwrapped a piece of gum and put it in her mouth. No emotion could be shown. Cassandra wouldn?t be able to see the sadness of a young woman who had shot her own father in his sleep.[/COLOR][/I][/QUOTE] Because you have two sentences at the beginning of this portion, it feels like [I]both[/I] of those pieces of information are important; I get the feeling that neither are. Regardless, one of those thoughts needs to be subordinated, and the sentences need to be joined. It doesn't really matter which one. Try it both ways to see which version you like. Basically, doing this will help with the disjointed flow you've got going. Bad wording about the emotionlessness. [I]"No emotion [U]could be seen[/U] [on her face?]...."[/I] The way you had it before made it sound like a medical condition. Also, is she really feeling sad, or did you just toss that in because it sounded good? From her tone later, I sincerely doubt that Sophie Dredg is feeling any sort of remorse at all...unless this whole sequence of events is due to outside coercion. I'll come back to that. [QUOTE][I][COLOR="Navy"]Trusting his master's word [COLOR="Red"]that she would[/COLOR] be dressed in a moment, Gary, a servant of the Castle of Blue, was making his way down the stairs. He began to descend, but stopped, catching sight of Sophie below.[/COLOR][/I][/QUOTE] First, Gary can't be descending before he starts to descend. That makes no sense. :p Second, for you to give so little information about Gary, I find it odd that you named him. Naming implies importance on some level; obviously he is emotionally important to both girls, from what I glean later, but you need to play that up more. Much more. Otherwise he's just a random Gary. Remember my second post from SD? In it I talked about Nathan living in that apartment: [QUOTE][SIZE="1"][align=justify]Nathan?s ?house? was actually an unused apartment on the top floor of a complex on the east side of the city. It was a fairly well-populated complex, but Nathan had managed to convince the landlord and several of the more permanently established denizens that the apartment was the dwelling place of some spirit or other, which currently wasn?t far from the truth. Of course, this required that Nathan perform the odd apparitionary tasks every couple of years or so to show that the spirit of the apartments hadn?t yet passed on, but as long as he got to keep his own place, he didn?t mind all that much. In fact, he kind if enjoyed it; just last year he had played an intense chess match against the fifty-four year old Joel Robertson of 207B. The graying man had once been a local tournament champion in his youth and had finished in the top ten at the state level several times. Needless to say, Nathan had been very pleased, if a bit disappointed at having to make Robertson lose to an invisible ghost.[/align][/SIZE][/QUOTE] Of all the "denizens" of that apartment complex, I only named Robertson; I didn't even name the complex itself. Later I named Victor L'Envers, and eventually provided the (first) name of his lackey through dialogue, but nobody else in either of those posts got an actual name. Names are very important. (Of course, I'd rather not be pulling my own material as examples, but it was available and easy to get to.) Third, the beginning of that paragraph felt awkward. Hence the red. [QUOTE][I][COLOR="Navy"][B]?Ah! Miss Sophie, you have arrived.?[/B] As he spoke, the door to Cassandra?s room opened behind him. [B]?Miss Cassandra will be right with you.?[/B][/COLOR][/I][/QUOTE] I'd use a speech tag there. (I don't know the technical name for them; said, greeted, called, you get the idea.) I also would have made more of the door opening. Did either of them hear it, or did the sound go unnoticed by both of them? I know it's important because obviously Cassandra comes out of it in time to see Gary shot, but that was still inference on my part; you never actually explained how Cassandra gets in sight of Gary. [QUOTE][I][COLOR="Navy"]Sophie nonchalantly pulled out her gun. Gary?s face turned to confusion and shock. ?Um? M-miss Sophie, what are you-? he was cut off as a bullet pounded into his forehead.[/COLOR][/I][/QUOTE] Crunchy. You can do better. [QUOTE][I][COLOR="Navy"]An air-piercing scream shot from above. Cassandra watched with ultimate fear as Gary fell to the ground in a flurry of red. She rushed to him, finding him completely without consciousness. [B]"Oh my god... oh my god!!!"[/B] she kept repeating. In a state of what seemed like impermeable calmness, Sophie casually began ascending the stairs towards her sister, who was breathing heavily and crying. Cassandra noticed her sister, but couldn?t manage to form any words[/COLOR][/I][/QUOTE] This section is a showcase of bad descriptions, as well as really awkward focus changes: [list][*]"An air-piercing scream shot from above" bothers me. I definitely don't like "shot"; "cut" seems more appropriate, and I'm sure there's a better way to work that bit. [*]"ultimate fear" = cringe [*]"flurry of red" can be better. "Shower" would be preferable, as would "mist", or some such [U]moist[/U] word. "Flurry" reminds one of snow (which is frozen) or feathers (which is just a strange image). [*]"finding him completely without consciousness" is unnecessarily long. He's dead, Jim. I think little Cassie can pick up on that part. :p [*]"impermeable calmness" = cringe [*]"breathing heavily and crying" is usually known as sobbing uncontrollably. [*]Therefore, it makes complete sense that Cassie can't speak. She's sobbing uncontrollably. :p[/list] [list][*]The shift from Sophie to Cassie needs more than just an ear-splitting shriek. [*]Likewise, the shift from Sophie to Cassie in the second paragraph there also feels forced. If it was supposed to stay with Cassie from before, then make sure that's clear.[/list] I really think you tried too hard with that section. :animesmil [QUOTE][I][COLOR="Navy"][B]?Where?s mother??[/B] Sophie asked. With a snap, Cassandra shot from her shock into extreme anger. Jumping up, she grabbed Sophie by the collar and throttled her against the rail of the staircase. [B]?What the fuck have you done?!?[/B] [/COLOR][/I][/QUOTE] Cassandra's actions here are completely out of character. Naive little girls who pout about wearing frills and who worry about their sisters causing fusses [I]do not[/I] beat people against stair railings, even if they happen to be in shock. Also, the language is you speaking, and not Cassandra. Watch that, and make sure it's consistent with the character's personality at the time, as well as the particular time period. I was under the impression that the F-bomb was a fairly recent innovation.... And I'd like you to envision a person as they stretch themselves across stairs. ([I]*sigh*[/I] Yes, DB, they can be female, and they can be wearing whatever. I don't care.) The act is somewhat leisurely, no? (All right, wipe that stupid grin off your face. That's just immature.) I'm pretty sure Cassie either flung herself down on the stairs or collapsed there. She's under too much stress to be relaxed right now. [QUOTE][I][COLOR="Navy"]Sophie continued.[/COLOR][/I][/QUOTE] Yeah? [I]And?[/I] Continued what? [I]To be[/I] continued? Next time, on Dragonball Z? [QUOTE][I][COLOR="Navy"]Behind the shades, tears welled in Sophie?s eyes. No. No I said I wouldn?t care if he was gone. It was getting to her? she remembered how Gary had been friendly to her as a child. No! No, this is more important! Taking a deep breath, she marched up the stairs.[/COLOR][/I][/QUOTE] I'll give you that you're establishing now why Gary was important, but since you should have done that a little already, you [I]really[/I] need to play this section up. Sophie doesn't feel jack about her mom (and [I]I[/I] don't think she feels jack about her dad), but Gary meant something to her. Make the reader hurt for Sophie. Pull some heartstrings. Oh, and I don't think you should have used "shades" there. That's slang. Speech uses slang. [QUOTE][I][COLOR="Navy"]At first she wondered how the gunshots had not alarmed the queen, but she remembered that the queen's room was entirely soundproof because of the loud music Cassandra listened to.[/COLOR][/I][/QUOTE] Oh, [I]give[/I] me a break. That's just too convenient. I'll give you that you tried to make sense out of it, but ... oh, man. :animesigh [QUOTE][I][COLOR="Navy"]Sophie shot the knob off the door of the Queen's room. Another scream came from behind as Cassandra heard the gunshot.[/COLOR][/I][/QUOTE] Combine. [QUOTE][I][COLOR="Navy"]Kicking the door open, Sophie immediately pointed her gun into the room, ready to crack off a shot immediately.[/COLOR][/I][/QUOTE] Good night! Was this chick trained by the fuzz?! Either that, or she's a Terminator. [I]"Sawah Cahnneaugh!! It's not a too-maugh!! Aaauughhh!!!"[/I] [QUOTE][I][COLOR="Navy"]Queen Sapphire was standing in front of her dresser, ....[/COLOR][/I][/QUOTE] Wait a second. This woman's [I]name[/I] is Sapphire. Her parents must have been the biggest jerks in history. Ugh. Anyway: [QUOTE][I][COLOR="Navy"]Queen Sapphire was standing in front of her dresser, wearing an extravagant gown. As she turned towards Sophie, the makeup she was applying fell to the floor. Her face fumed with anger.[/COLOR][/I][/QUOTE] About that makeup.... I have this mental image of Uma Thurman, and all her makeup suddenly drops off her face in one big mass of goo, and [I]OH GOD!!![/I] she's Barbara Walters underneath. :animedepr Sorry. I know what you mean there, but that's what it looks like. (Ew.) I don't think you want to say "her face..." there, unless you say her face [I]was[/I] something. Otherwise, just say [I]she[/I] did it. (Yeah, Cassie. [I]Your Mom.[/I] :rolleyes: ) [QUOTE][I][COLOR="Navy"][B]?Put down that gun! what do you think you're doing to your own mother?!? ?I won?t fall for that again. I?m not your puppet,? [/B]Sophie said, biting back rage. [B]?Go ahead and pull the trigger! You?ll go to prison, just like anyone else!?[/B][/COLOR][/I][/QUOTE] First, what the devil did Sophie fall for the first time? The "I'm your mother" line? Also, it's here that I begin to suspect that either all is not right with the world in Red/Blue land (wouldn't that be Purple? :p ), or Sophie is the red-headed stepchild of this oh-so-happy family. Going back to the beginning, the prison reference makes me think that the marriage of the two rulers was more for political power than anything else. [QUOTE][I][COLOR="Navy"]Sophie removed her sunglasses. Like two balls of fire, her eyes radiated with pure hatred.[/COLOR][/I][/QUOTE] Make this its own paragraph. Better effect that way. Also, I'll give you credit for that analogy. Reverse its order and you'll be great. Also think about semicolon-ing there for one sentence. (It's iffy, but still worth considering.) [QUOTE][I][COLOR="Navy"][B]?I don?t care,?[/B] she pulled the trigger and the Queen?s blood splattered against the wall behind her. Sophie panted for a moment, realizing the weight of what she?d just done. There was no turning back. With belated footsteps, she journeyed back down the hall, re-equipping her sunglasses. Cassandra was still on the stairs crying.[/COLOR][/I][/QUOTE] I feel another speech tag is needed before Sophie shoots her mother. The way you wrote it feels like you forgot you were going to attach Sophie's phrase to the sentence and decided to make a completely separate sentence, but somehow forgot to capitalize "She". Whatever the reason, it's kinda clunky; at least use Sophie's name again there. Also, I thought the Queen was applying makeup. Isn't she still in front of her mirror, or did she move? For some reason that sentence reads like the Queen's blood managed to splatter behind Sophie, and I think if you let it hit the mirror instead it'll be more clear. Besides, blood on mirrors is kind of grotesque. Bonus effect points. Why is Sophie panting like that? Why is there no turning back? Elaborate, even if it's just a tease saying something vague about plans, or something. Equipped: sunglasses. Coolness +1. (In other words, bad wording.) [QUOTE][I][COLOR="Navy"][B]?Mother? she?s dead isn?t she?!?[/B] Cassandra cried. [B]?Yes.?[/B] [/COLOR][FONT=Arial](Speech tag here.)[/FONT][COLOR=Navy] [B]?WHY?! What are you going to do?!? ?Someone broke in. They assaulted and killed the queen and kidnapped you. I managed to hide until it all tided over. Meanwhile an accomplice to the criminal killed my father. Don?t ask any questions, I?ve eliminated all variables. After the funeral I?ll be the queen.?[/B] [B]?I don?t understand!!!? [/B]Cassandra curled into a ball and sobbed intensely, [B]?It doesn?t always happen like on TV. Sometimes you don?t get an explanation.?[/B] With a snap of her fingers, Sophie summoned two men dressed in black to her side.[/COLOR][/I][/QUOTE] A decent bit of dialogue here, but because the rest of the narrative is mostly devoid of it in all the places that want it, it feels out of place here. It also feels rushed. So Sophie just told Cassie the cover story. That and her last line there make me think that she isn't feeling anything at all, especially with the lack of speech tags to show emotion (or no emotion). It's okay to leave them out, but don't do it habitually. I tend to use them in quick-fire exchanges where the general emotions really don't change all that much, or are quite obvious. Summon: Bouncers. ...anyway, you can word her authority better. You should also add the "Take her away" to that last paragraph there, since it fits better and Sophie's still speaking. Oh, and watch your punctuation. [QUOTE][I][COLOR="Navy"]The two men rushed over [COLOR="Red"]and[/COLOR] grabbed the princess by the arms. She screamed and kicked and tried to bat them away [COLOR="Navy"]?Hey! No! What are you going to do to me?!?[/COLOR] One of the men pistol whipped her and knocked her unconscious, then they dragged her back to the car and loaded her in the trunk. One of the men, wearing a finely pressed tuxedo, approached Sophie.[/COLOR][/I][/QUOTE] Punctuation again. Also, I'm assuming that that was Cassie speaking there. You didn't say. Also, that action sequence needs reworking. Too many separate actions, and you said "one of the men" too many time. There can be only one "one". The other is "the other". :p Also, you can use other things to describe them, such as "the man on her left arm". [QUOTE][I][COLOR="Navy"][B]"Satisfied?" ?I had to make her die with my own hands. Get everyone in here and start setting up the scenario. We have about an hour before the ceremony was meant to be, and then everyone?s attention will be turned here. Cassandra has to be at least out of the kingdom by them. Remember, she is to be dumped off in White kingdom, the worse the alleyway you dump her in, the more you get paid.?[/B] With a salute, the man left her side. Sophie removed her sunglasses and stared at the castle.[/COLOR][/I][/QUOTE] Need more speech tags. Clarify who is speaking. Definitely after Sophie finishes, so it doesn't seem quite so abrupt when Mr. Tuxedo salutes and departs. Also, Sophie's speech seems to alter between her first and second lines there. Throw in a pause to play that up, because the audience won't pick up on that. Also also: [QUOTE][I][COLOR="Navy"]Remember, she is to be dumped off in White kingdom, the worse the alleyway you dump her in, the more you get paid.[/COLOR][/I][/QUOTE] You definitely need either a period or a semicolon after kingdom, not a comma. [QUOTE][I][COLOR="Navy"]?Once she sees the world like I do, that?s when we can rule together. See you in hell, sister.?[/COLOR][/I][/QUOTE] What the devil was [I]that[/I] about? Maybe when you get more content in, it'll make sense, but currently it just seems like you wanted her to say something "badass". [CENTER]-------------------------[/CENTER] Cassandra and Sophie, eh? Sophitia, perhaps? Soul Caliber, anyone? :p That aside, I think you've got the conceptual makings of a good political intrigue/hardcore action novel. You just need to build your skills some more. The best thing you can do is read. And not just anything, either; I don't count R.L. Stine or whoever wrote the Animorphs (excepting the novel; that was okay). You need to read books by people who know how to write. Tolkien, Conan Doyle, Fleming, Gardner, Clancy, Grisham, Asimov, O.S. Card, Brooks, Goodkind, as far as names with whom I am recently or intimately familiar with. Search around for others in other genres; I'm pretty sure you'd enjoy Jacqueline Carey (The Kushiel's Legacy series), knowing your tastes. The reason I say this is because we learn through imitation. It's like with walking, talking, eating, dressing, playing sports, etc. We learn to do all these things by watching someone else do them first. Writing is the same way: we learn to write by imitating what we have read, or what we have [I]seen others write[/I]. I don't say this just because I think reading is fun. I do think that, naturally, but it's only a pleasurable side effect. If a person wants to be a good writer then they must learn to write from someone, and if they do not have tangible people to teach them , books are the absolute next best thing. (I don't count English teachers. You have no idea how restricted those poor souls are. They can't teach what they need to, and so their students get insanely bored. But I'm digressing.) At any rate, I'm tired. I'll look at Chapter One... Later. -A[/FONT]

[quote name='DeathKnight][color=crimson']I don't really think you understand why I attack you.[/color][/quote] [FONT=Arial]I am laughing [I]so hard[/I] right now. DeathKnight, you are amazing. (Ohh, breathe.)[/FONT]

[FONT=Arial]Almost good, but pretty dumb. I was technically finished with all my obligations today at 12:30, so I decided to use the time to catch up on a bunch of writing that wanted doing. And then I got slammed with writer's block, and so I've been sitting here for several hours with my head on my arms, sleeping occasionally. Hooray for accomplishing things. :animesigh [B]Edit:[/B] On top of that, I think I stepped on my headphones yesterday, which is a major nuisance. [I]Now[/I] if I need to listen to music I'm short one hand.[/FONT]

[quote name='Aaryanna_Mom']Absolutely not! As much as I enjoy this site, my values are far too outdated and I'd dread being required to keep up on threads like the self-pleasure one that I wish I had never read.[/quote] [FONT=Arial]Actually, I think it'd be really freakin' hilarious to see A_M with a mod rod. Every time another thread popped up that reeked of immaturity, she'd smack it down face-first on the floor. :p For myself, I'd have to say no. Not yet. Haven't been here long enough, and I have too much other stuff that I need to focus on. As for the perceived status thing, I could really care less.[/FONT]

[FONT=Arial]Ya. Bucko. Next time ya wanna throw something back like that, [I]try aiming[/I].[/FONT]

[FONT=Arial]I have basically nil to do today, so since it's Friday, I am designating this as literature day. I've got a good bit of stuff I want to knock out, so I'll edit this later when I get through with the selection. Time to burn the pencils and melt the pens.[/FONT]

[FONT=Arial]I don't remember seeing The Cerberus Era before, or else I may have skipped over it, but the other two I remember. And I stand by my earlier statement: your concepts would go very well on a Sony platform. Hone your writing skills more and you might look at a career as a video game storyboard writer. :animesmil From where I stand, all three could use a good bit of work. I [I]would[/I] like to see one in particular possibly come back, but I wouldn't worry about cranking one out right away; right now I'm going to give you my thoughts on each one. (Don't worry — it'll be quick.)[/FONT] [CENTER][B]THE CERBERUS ERA[/B][/CENTER] [FONT=Arial]This one seems skeletal, to be honest. The timeline given didn't really make much sense other than to say [I]"this happened, and this happened, and...,"[/I] which doesn't help matters much; a lot of the intro was rather ambiguous; and the intended plot in general was extremely confusing and difficult to pull out of the text, which means that most people probably won't have much of a clue where you want to go with this one, or even what you want to do in the first place. Basically, it feels like I'm reading your notes instead of an actual finished concept, and the story doesn't speak to me. If you were going to reuse this one, you'd need to do a lot of figuring-out.[/font] [CENTER][B]CURSED LANDS[/B][/CENTER] [FONT=Arial]Of the three, I like this one the most. It may be similar to one of the FinalFantasy storylines, but since I've yet to play one (arrgh), I really don't mind. I think part of what drew me in last time was the combination of the intro [I]and[/I] the sign-up sheet. I'd have to go back and find the thread to make sure, but I feel like there was some information on your sheet, or at least in your OOC section, that lent some more clarity to the RP. (If it means anything, I've still got [I]my[/I] sheet archived somewheres about. I liked that character.) I do know that this RP involved the use of some form of magic, which is a key part of the concept, I believe, and which you neglected to mention in your intro. CL was definitely the most laid-out of the three; that said, it's still in need of a healthy touching-up before you should try running with it again.[/FONT] [CENTER][B]THE MELODY OF CHAOS[/B][/CENTER] [FONT=Arial]This one interested me as well, but I think it was more because I saw the glimmer of direction in it and wanted to figure it out. Obviously I failed, which is why I never tried to craft anyone for it. It, too, seems more cohesive than did [U]Cerberus[/U], but I still felt like I was looking at notes, and some of your content seemed very loosely connected, with little reasoning behind it. Essentially, what you tossed out for [U]Chaos[/U] was just disjointed enough that I couldn't actually tell you whether or not to try it again. I think you might have something to it, but there isn't enough material for me to tell. [CENTER]---------------------[/CENTER] Your main problem, I feel, is that you have too little information, and sometimes too much of the wrong information. To show what I mean, let's look at the beginning of [U]Chaos[/U]. [QUOTE][I]Many years ago[COLOR="Red"][B],[/B][/COLOR] 7 elders created a magic.[/I][/QUOTE] That's really vague. What kind of magic was it? What was the intent of the elders who created it? Was the process difficult? Is the art they used lost? You can do so much more with just this idea right here. Expand. [QUOTE][I]Only few could use it.[/I][/QUOTE] Again, why? What were the qualifications for the use of magic? Bloodlines? Intelligence? Will power? Certain types of life forces? Random selection? [QUOTE][I]After crimes such as murder, theft, and destruction[COLOR="Red"][B], [t][/B][/COLOR]he magic was sealed away.[/I][/QUOTE] Okay. Still a little sketchy, but it works. You could still expand on that concept, though. I mean, logically these crimes probably involved the use of magic, else it wouldn't have been sealed, but say so. Otherwise, it may end up looking like the elders just sealed it up for the devil of it and used the high crime rate as a convenient scapegoat. :p (I'm also assuming it [I]was[/I] the same elders who made with the sealing....which begs another question: why were they "elders"?) [QUOTE][I]Yet, 100 years later their grandchildren unsealed the magic.[/I][/QUOTE] Just for a lark? :p [INDENT][I]"Hey Johnny! Let's go unseal ole' Gramps' magic!"[/I][/INDENT] Was the known world in some kind of dire need? Were these descendants lusting for power? Was it an accident bred from insatiable curiosity? [QUOTE][I]But as before the magic was abused. [/I][/QUOTE] Gasp. Sorry. Couldn't resist. That's also not bad by itself, but you could still elaborate on the who and why. [QUOTE][I]So six demigods were born to stop this magic. [/I][/QUOTE] Wait. [I]What!?![/I] Why? More importantly, by whom? The descendants who erred? The spirits of the elders? The spirit of the Earth? Whatever gods might happen to exist in this universe? [QUOTE][I]Each one harbor[COLOR="Red"][B][ed][/B][/COLOR] two elements.[/I][/QUOTE] Okay, I'll buy that. Still, what for? And why that particular pairing? (It's kinda morbid....) I could go on, but I think you get the idea. Basically, you have good concepts inside your head, but you're not really pulling enough of them out to merit a well-received RP. Hope that helps. -A[/FONT]

[quote name='Aaryanna_Mom']...and yet at the same time it now leaves me in the position of having to literally look at things to know just what is involved since for the most part I avoid mature stuff.[/quote] [FONT=Arial]I understand that, but considering the use of the highest rating as a coverall, the ratings did basically nil for you before the change. In a sense, they also restricted your participation and killed your curiosity by their lack of honesty. Now, since you don't exactly know what's going on in a given RP, you'll be able to get a better idea of what each RP has in it, instead of allowing a inaccurate rating to serve as an instant turn-off. Think of it this way: you're not so much [I]forced[/I] to look at each RP, but you're [I]allowed[/I] to make your own decisions by being more informed, whereas before you might have passed over a great RP that you might have thoroughly enjoyed had it not been flagged as [M-VLS]. And really, aren't the Death Card series mature in their own right, with the possibilities for all three of the Mature categories present? The old system was dysfunctional, and only a few creators chose to use it correctly. If the system had worked, I'd mourn its passing more than I am now.[/FONT]

[quote name='Vicky][SIZE=1']Just a quick question, will the Ratings ever be back or are they gone for good? I kinda liked them as well XD[/size][/quote] [FONT=Arial]I share your sentiments – I thought it was a convenient way to warn members of possible content issues – but the system [strike]is[/strike] was far too open to abuse as it stood. Since the rating was determined by the individual creators, there were a lot of cases where the [M-LSV] tag was thrown on simply to cover all the bases instead of actually representing the RP's content, and that essentially defeats the purpose of the ratings period. The best way for the system to work would have been for an unbiased independent person/panel to apply ratings to threads based on their creator's posts (and personal input if asked for), but that's much too involved to actually be effective, or to be anything but aggravating. So I doubt it. :animesigh [B]Edit:[/B] Aaand [COLOR="DarkRed"]Sandy[/COLOR] got there first. Oh snap.[/FONT]