Allamorph

[quote name='SunfallE][COLOR="goldenrod"']But as Allamorph pointed out it is my job to convey things to the readers and I have to agree, changing it to where I was Saria would have probably been better.[/COLOR][/quote] [FONT=Arial]Not necessarily. What [I]I[/I] was talking about was more along the lines of a camera's perspective. You can see everything, and we have no idea what you're seeing, so if you want to tell us then tell us everything. The main character is who the main character is, and I am not one to force the issue in my fiction. That said, the identity of the main character is not to be confused with POV. That is to say, you are not restricted to telling your story from your main character's perspective...which is why we have Third Person narration (limited [I]and[/I] omniscient). I tend to bounce around from character to character in my stuff, even though the main character is quite obviously only one of them. Altering the story to make it "better" is kind of hazardous in my experience, especially if that's not the way you saw the story being played out. In this case, changing the main character from Lareth to Saria would have made it a different story altogether. So although I agree with [COLOR="DarkRed"]Sandy[/COLOR] that both characters were generic, I do not agree that telling it from another's perspective would have been more interesting. "The End of the Beginning" was Lareth's story, and not Saria's. Saria has her own to tell. With that in mind, perhaps you might have given us hers? [quote name='Sandy']Same goes for BK, Jenna would've been more original choice for a main character.[/quote] Considering what he gave us, I can't say that she [I]wasn't[/I] the main – only that Benjamin got more "head time", so to speak. Perhaps the Captain was the main, or maybe that random Tannith person.... (Who [I]was[/I] she, anyway?) Basically, I agree that the characters may not have been the most unique in creation. Still, I feel that holding gender against them, though understandable, is questionable since it may eventually lead to [I]female[/I] chauvinism, which is just as deplorable as the male version. Neither one is any better, so why raise the issue? Besides, if the audience was able to demand their characters, pretty soon [COLOR="DarkRed"]DB[/COLOR]'d infect everything with wanton orgy-instigators in the most random spots imaginable! (I think I might be picking on him a little much lately...but you get my point.) [quote name='BKstyles][FONT="Tahoma"']It's not that i'm not willing to admit that I can be wordy at times, but it seems the issue your alluding to is more about an idea being conveyed in more words then necessary to the minimum required.[/FONT][/quote] I know I didn't give you anything to work off of. I know. I – it – it's just – I'm [I]really[/I] uncomfortable doing what I would need to do. My desire to assist is in full-out war with my sense of tact right now, and so I am impassed. I can't give you any more than I did. I can't. Also, remember that "selection type" can fall under the "How Well It's Written" category, and usually does. Professional orchestra auditions have been won and lost by rhythm values, stylistic interpretations notwithstanding, and the same applies in this field. I mean, if I hadn't commented and caused you to point out the excerpt angle, [COLOR="DarkRed"]Sandy[/COLOR] might have docked you hard. He took your interpretation into account afterwards, but I'm not certain I would have. I'm just saying that in scenarios like these, friendly or no, guidelines aren't meant to be taken like the Pirate's Code, ya dig? (^_^) It's better for you that way. [quote name='SunfallE][COLOR=Goldenrod']So even if only in short notes, a huge percentage of what I write starts on paper and then moves completely to PC. [/COLOR][/quote] I suppose that just means that you're not used to spotting those types of errors. That's cool. That's fixable over time. I was just worried that you straight-typed the whole thing, as I know some people do and as I have done on occasion. Going from paper first takes longer and lets you (or me, rather) edit as you go, and then you get to edit again when you make the hard copy. I still have material that I saw for the P. and never used because I straight-typed each post, did a cursory spelling check, threw it onto the boards, and went to bed. Barely any editing at all, and I think it shows. But, yeah, just go back and look for those sentences that seem to want something in front of them, and usually they need to go with the preceding sentence. (The [I]technical[/I] term is "subordinate clause", but I always found that too unnecessary a mouthful of a phrase to worry about.) [QUOTE][I][COLOR=Goldenrod]It is, I just missed tagging it when I posted the story. ^_~[/COLOR][/I][/QUOTE] I thought as much. ;)[/FONT] [FONT=Arial][B]Edit:[/B] [quote name='Rachmaninoff']However I will touch on the fragmented sentences issue you had with your story Beth. And that's due to what one of my college professors told me, which was sentence fragments are a good thing, in the right context.[/quote] First off, [U]fragment[/U]. :p Second, [COLOR=DarkRed]Rach[/COLOR]'s completely right. Unfortunately, fragments are most effective in dialogue, and to make them fit in narration mandates that one knows when to recognize and avoid them. In other words, once you know how to get [I]rid[/I] of them, [I]then[/I] you can put them back in where they'll work. (There's a fragment in my main post....) Third, and a separate issue altogether, "due to" is a very stale phrase, and is heavily overused. Just sayin'.[/FONT]

[quote name='Rachmaninoff']Interesting that you would start a topic like this Allamorph.[/quote] [FONT=Arial]What? I can't just talk about random stuff when I feel like it? Speak up, boy! [quote name='Clurr']I have a soft spot for plums, but I've never actually had one....[/quote] How interesting. [COLOR=DarkRed]Rach[/COLOR]'s never played Clue, and you've never had a plum. I am extremely amused. Both, however, are terrible, horrible fallacies that must be rectified As Soon As Possible. [COLOR=DarkRed]Clurr[/COLOR], buy [strike]a plum[/strike] several plums and eat them. [COLOR=DarkRed]indifference[/COLOR], whack [COLOR=DarkRed]Rach[/COLOR] mercilessly until he plays Clue with you. (A third person makes the game a little more enjoyable, I think. Six makes it [I]very[/I] interesting.) I have never had a pomegranate, though, and I have not found a place locally that sells them ? or grows them, for that matter. I [I]can[/I] say that blueberry *pomegranate* soda is quite tasty, so I feel only partially slighted. I also intensely dislike honeydew melons, simply because of their sickly sweet taste. I can't stand them. I also can't stand coconut, but I haven't figured out why yet. [quote name='Gavin][SIZE="1"']...along with lemons which I never realised people actually ate as a fruit by itself.[/SIZE][/quote] You mean you haven't ever eaten a lemon? Wow. I wouldn't call it a good snack food, but two or three slices aren't half bad. Pineapples in vanilla ice cream is amazing. I prefer my peaches in my Cheerios, but they're pretty good solo as well. Strawberries are great if you have some melted (dark?) chocolate or some confectioner's sugar to dip them in. About the only thing I can definitely say about apples is that the Rome variety is terrible. Red Delicious, Golden Delicious, an Granny Smith (also known as Green?) apples are all great in their own right, and I don't think I can hold one higher than the other. Grapples disturb me.... Oh, and [COLOR="DarkRed"]BK[/COLOR]? That's depressing. You have my sincere sympathies.[/FONT]

[quote name='Umbra II']Thank you, really. Don't worry about sounding to harsh when it comes to grammer and style issues (my greatest weakness). It sounds like you put a lot of thought into your response, and I really appreciate it.[/quote] [FONT=Arial]Oh, I never worry about sounding harsh. I just want to make sure people know it's not malicious. (^_^) [QUOTE][I]I'll need to consider more development of the sleep walker comparison.[/I][/QUOTE] Really, all I was meaning was that it seems like the thought just terminates. Given the "smoky, shifting forms" and the "slow, [strike]almost[/strike] dragging pace", it feels like there should be something else describing the sleepwalker. That's all. Oh, and go ahead and keep "almost" in there. It serves to break up the redundant feeling that emerges without it: "smoky, shifting forms"; "slow, dragging pace". You see? [QUOTE][I]I'm not sure. 'as' seems to get in the way, doesn't it? Spectre drags alot elsewhere, so I only see it as slowing it down. If I get another suggestion about that, then I'll include it.[/I][/QUOTE] Really, "as" doesn't take up that much time, does it? The main reason I suggested it was to make the reference to the completeness of the sky's darkening easier to follow. Without it, the reader has to think for a second. With it, the reader is forced to ask "As thorough as what?", and that thought and the ensuing connection only take a split second. [QUOTE][I]I don't want to add dismal, though because it already has enough description. I think this makes it flow better.[/I][/QUOTE] Well, you put "futile" where I put "dismal", so I don't see it mattering. The only difference was that I kept "futile" back where you originally had it ? incidentally, you forgot to get rid of that "and" back there. (^_^) [QUOTE][I]Should I scratch out "otherwise"?[/I][/QUOTE] Naw, leave it there. About what you struck there: [QUOTE]All these thoughts came slowly to the creature, and countless forms of flickery textures had passed it there when it finally came to understand what it had been, and what it had lost, and the title and position of Self in a multitude ? no matter how it struggled internally, it could not [B][COLOR="Red"][strike]even[/strike][/COLOR][/B] remember the name by which it had been called ? dawned on its faded and stagnant mind.[/QUOTE] I disagree. Name and Self are not the same thing, and with "even" there, the sentence implies that not only could the shade not recall itSelf, but it couldn't [I]even[/I] remember its own label. See what I mean? [QUOTE][I]That one's harder for me. I read many older works (Poe, as you mentioned), and a phrase like this is not uncommon. To clarify, it's another way of saying " to become again " I like your suggestions, though. I'll need to think. [/I][/QUOTE] I thought for a moment, too, and if we deconstruct it, this is what we get: [indent][I]"..and the desire to find."[/I][/indent] "...the material thing it had once been" tells us what it wants to find; "itself again" is likewise a clarifier, indicating both that it had once found what it wanted to find and that it is important that the shade finds this thing [I]itself[/I]. I think that the complete wording is a bit confusing, though, and takes a bit of studying to adequately grasp. My first suggestion, then elaborated on the importance of doing the finding for itself while sacrificing as little as possible of the concept of losing oneself. My second suggestion focused mainly on the losing and finding of oneself, which was the main concept, and the importance of the [I]doing[/I] was obscured. The second one carries the most clear meaning, I think, but I like the first one better. I still dislike the sentence 'as was' because of clarity concerns. And if it is such a common phrase, then how can I be sure you aren't plagiarising, hmm? [I]*loosens sword in warning*[/I] [QUOTE][I]Did you mean a comma, or the period there in your post? With a period, it doesn't make much sense.[/I][/QUOTE] Yes, I did; and no, it doesn't. :animeswea Oops. [QUOTE][I]My mistake. I think I meant an adjetive. Or I could leave it as ananthema (unless I'm repeating somewhere...)[/I][/QUOTE] I made that comment because I thought you were personifying the sound as an anathema, and just forgot to add the comma to make it possessive. The adjective works just as well, though. [QUOTE]...until at last it halted [strike]again[/strike], unsure of what it was it had been running from. Over the [B][COLOR="Red"]time[/COLOR][/B] of what could have been have been hours or aeons,....[/QUOTE] Well, the reason I suggested "again" was because the shade had already halted once, right? It had stopped, it had started running away, and it had [I]halted again[/I]. That's it, really. If you don't like it then I don't mind, since you [I]are[/I] the author, but I just think it makes more sense. Oh, and I was being polite before. I really, [I][U]really[/U][/I] do not like "time". "Course" or "span" would be much clearer. [I]Much[/I] clearer. [QUOTE][I]Hmm, no, it's good as is. The command isn't actually being said, but felt.[/I][/QUOTE] Hunh. Yeah, you're right. [QUOTE]...and defying what must have been a millennia spent on the one-way road, [COLOR="Red"]whose travellers[/COLOR] saw only the ink-stained section of the sky and heard only the psiren-call of a promised nothingness,....[/QUOTE] Ah! It makes perfect sense now. (I [I]thought[/I] that's what you'd meant....) [QUOTE][I]In Greek mythology, a psiren (the word we get our word siren) was a creature that appeared as a beautiful woman who sung unearthly and enchanting music to passer-bys in the hopes of seducing and eating them. I am trying to compare the call of the Void to that song.[/I][/QUOTE] Ah. I did not know that. I knew the reference, of course, just not that particular form of the word. Thank you. (Incidentally, it's [I]passers-by[/I]. Just so's ya know. :animesmil ) [QUOTE][I]I gave a lot of thought to that, but unfortunately I don't feel it's right. I want the reader to stop there and read the line. What you're doing is smoothing it into one read. What you noticed as clanky I felt was a dramatic break in the movement of the piece. Does it seem more natural in that light?[/I][/QUOTE] Yeah, I knew that was the effect you wanted. Basically, my suggestions were just me trying to find a way [I]not[/I] to end up starting a sentence with "and". Trust me, I like your format better, but with the "a" down like that, you were making it feel like it was supposed to be a continuous [I]sentence[/I] (not a continuous [I]thought[/I]), and thus smoothing it into one read. In that light, just capitalize "and", and you'll be rid of the problem. [QUOTE][I]Again, I see what you mean, but I'll need to consider what I want done with it for a while. I suppose I did it like that because I was getting pretty excited at that point.:D[/I][/QUOTE] Yep. I do the same thing. I've just developed the ability to reread myself while I'm writing, and to retain a general idea of what I've put down. Repetition like that just kind of hits me when I do it, and then I can rewrite immediately. [QUOTE][I]I know it wasn't exactly what you suggested, but at this point the story is moving quickly, and I want to keep pace. My other line was akward, yours a bit slow. I like the word 'contrary' here, though. What do you think?[/I][/QUOTE] What I was doing there was synonymizing "in fact the opposite", giving me "to the contrary"; from there, I just found the way that the synonymous phrase made sense. Perhaps this: [indent][I]"The pain was nearly unendurably excruciating ? a thousand fold worse than the first glance ? and yet this time it was not repulsed, but instead still wanted to proceed."[/I][/indent] It's a really odd sentence to work with, no? :D [QUOTE][I]O.K., you must be tired of hearing me babble :babble: by now, so I'll be quiet now. Thanks you once again for your time and effort.:animesmil[/I][/QUOTE] Don't mention it. It was my pleasure. (I think I'll look into Lovecraft and Kierkegaard some....)[/FONT]

[quote name='Sandy][I']I don't agree. The mission numbers are there solely to keep track of who has completed what missions in the Character Profiles. Without them, it would be a chore to do that.[/I][/quote] [FONT=Arial]Oh, I know, and I understand the reasoning. I was just thinking that it would be a chore to keep track of which class had access to what mission, especially if the numbers jump around – which they will if they're numbered in the order they are created in. Either way. I'm just putting forth a thought there. We'll see how the death/respawn thingie works in the beta, then. I look forward to it. [B]Edit:[/B] Premonition? That's low.[/FONT]

[FONT=Arial]Right. Good stuff, good stuff. The works as wholes were very interesting. I find it intriguing that, while you had a common general theme, the stories still differed; one of you went with more of a science theme (the title of the reference that's presenting itself escapes me now), and the other with space (reminding me, for some reason, of [I]Wing Commander[/I]). I also see style differences; [COLOR=DarkRed]SunfallE[/COLOR] presented a definite short, while [COLOR=DarkRed]BK[/COLOR]'s wants to keep going. But since I'm here, and there's prose in front of me, you know I just can't keep my mouth shut. [COLOR=Goldenrod]It's funny; I can't shake this feeling that I've read something similar before. Not the whole "falling through space" bit, or the flat part, but just the in-between world's layout in general. The stilted houses especially. I can't for the life of me think of what it was, though, so I'm not going to worry about it. You've got a good feel for how you want to present your imaginations. There were a couple of spots where I thought [I]"ouch,"[/I] but otherwise it was pretty good. Your major flaw is your structure. Your story is absolutely [I]riddled[/I] with fragments, and they're all the same kind. Don't feel like you've just failed at life, though 'cause you haven't; it's a fairly common problem from what I've seen. (Given that I haven't quite hit my second decade yet, that's one [I]heck[/I] of a lot, there. :p ) What I really want to know is where you did your writing at: paper or PC? I can't recall if I asked you this before somewhere, but I can't find anything about that right now, so I apologize if I'm asking you to repeat yourself. I'm thinking, though, that your first draft was typed from scratch, just from the way you repeat the same mistake. Here's what I mean (and there's another one in the first paragraph, but I'm pretty sure that was a different cause): [QUOTE][FONT="Comic Sans MS"]A lone figure stood forlornly in front of a circular window in the center of a worn metal wall, slowly tracing symbols with his right forefinger on the outer edge until a name appeared in the fogged pane. Lareth. Impatiently he wiped the window clean with his sleeve as he watched the deluge of rain coming down outside. A rain though heavy, not quite enough to hide a strange shimmer that could be seen between spurts of rain as the wind blew. Footsteps approached him from behind but Lareth did not turn. The soft shuffling sound was unmistakable. He did not need to turn to know that the one approaching moved with an undeniable grace. [B]A softness of silk in spite of the simple woven cotton outfit she would be wearing.[/B] The faint metallic sound from her feet hitting the floor stopped as she stood behind him off to the right a bit. [B]Then, reaching up with her left hand, resting it gently on his shoulder.[/B][/FONT][/QUOTE] [QUOTE][FONT="Comic Sans MS"]Lareth winced at the ache in the voice that he cherished so much. [B]A hurt that was as deep if not more so than his.[/B] He turned slowly but surely his brown eyes meeting with blue ones barely holding back the tears. With a sad smile he reached up with his right hand, gently pushing her soft silken blonde hair back in a gently caress. [B]Resting his thumb along her cheek as he cupped the side of her face tenderly.[/B] [/FONT][/QUOTE] [QUOTE][FONT="Comic Sans MS"][I]“I have to know Saria. I have to understand what happened to Christine.” [/I]He paused choking on the thought. [B]On the knowledge of their beautiful six-year-old daughter who had vanished six rains ago.[/B][/FONT][/QUOTE] [QUOTE][FONT="Comic Sans MS"]He pulled his hand free and then reached up with both hands, gently grasping the sides of her face as he kissed her softly and then with a parting ‘I love you’ he let go. Lareth turned his back on his wife of so many years, a handful of steps, a door opened, and he was gone. [B]Leaving the huge metal building behind after he spent a moment struggling to shut the door against the wind and the rain.[/B][/FONT][/QUOTE] [QUOTE][FONT="Comic Sans MS"]Even through the downpour of rain he could see the massive metal buildings they now called home, each one resting on immense metal columns that rose above the ground. [B]Connected by ramps and walkways between each structure.[/B] Twenty in all, they were a strange sight thrusting up into the gray skies. Lareth fought the wind and rain as he moved to head towards the fields where they grew food. Within moments he was completely soaked. [/FONT][/QUOTE] And it goes on like that, through every section of the story. I'll say one thing for you: you're consistent. :animesmil In each case, the thought in error is almost screaming to be connected to the preceding one. I think it comes from typing out a sentence. Then adding on further detail. (Kind of like I ever so facetiously just did. Heh...yeah, sorry.) It's almost like you're having afterthoughts while you're telling us the story. To fix them, just go back and read over your work – [I]as if you hadn't read it before[/I]. When you run across a stutter like that, either attach it to the previous sentence or make it capable of standing on its own, and each one will probably want a different solution. After a while, you'll get into the habit of reading [I]while[/I] you're writing, which is much faster. I do it almost unconsciously now, but I can guarantee you that I once had the same issue as you. Aside from that, I have a couple of style questions. [QUOTE][FONT="Comic Sans MS"]A lone figure stood forlornly in front of a circular window in the center of a worn metal wall, slowly tracing symbols with his right forefinger on the outer edge until a name appeared in the fogged pane. Lareth. Impatiently he wiped the window clean with his sleeve as he watched the deluge of rain coming down outside. A rain though heavy, not quite enough to hide a strange shimmer that could be seen between spurts of rain as the wind blew.[/FONT][/QUOTE] Before I get into the first one, can I ask you about that that last sentence there? It feels goofy, but I think I know what you meant: [indent][I]"Though heavy, the rain was not quite falling hard enough to hide the strange shimmer that could be seen between the windblown sheets of water."[/I][/indent] Ignoring the fact that I altered a few of your phrasings, do you see what I mean? ("Spurts" calls to mind the image of a Super Soaker, but I don't think it works too well with rain. That's a personal call, though.) Anyway, about the way you began. When you say "a lone figure", I get the sense that this person has a good deal of space around him where no one else is. It took me a second to get that Lareth was inside, and a few more to realize that he was, in fact, Lareth. Also, and I worry about this constantly myself, you are the only one with a clear picture of what's happening. It's inherent in your position as the author; obviously you're writing to show everyone else what's going on in your head, but remember that all we have to work with is a blank slate, and you're painting in front of us. You as the author have to be constantly aware of not only [I]how well[/I] you present your story's details, but also [I]in what order[/I]. Like I said, it took a bit to realize that Lareth was inside – specifically, the end of your [I]second[/I] sentence. By that time, he'd already written and erased a name (which I still hadn't realized was his, by the way), and just before he had finished writing it, I'm told that the window is fogged, so I now understand that the symbols will actually show up. Whew. Bit rough, don'tcha think? That's one devil of a lot of reorienting for the reader to do. Try rearranging those first two or three sentences so that you're not constructing a window before the wall, and the wall before the house it's a part of, with a person who may or may not be on the inside looking out – or just on one side – drawing his name in a fog that hasn't yet manifested itself due to a rain that hasn't started falling yet. Then you can figure out when to tell us that it's his name he's drawing. :D Here's a small rabbit trail: [QUOTE][FONT="Comic Sans MS"]Lareth, upon reaching the end of the ramp that sloped downwards from the safety of the buildings, paused.[/FONT][/QUOTE] Hunh. That's a really long pause for Lareth to take before he ... umm, pauses. :animeswea There's really nothing technically wrong with this sentence, but it just feels funky. Moving on: [QUOTE][FONT="Comic Sans MS"]Taking in deep gasping breaths of air, since he could hold his breath no longer. [I]Wait… What happened to the water?[/I] Terrified he opened his eyes in fear momentarily lost to what was before him.[/FONT][/QUOTE] The italicized part seems like it should have been another thought, though it could be alternately constructed to remain a part of the narrative. Just a suggestion. [QUOTE][FONT="Comic Sans MS"]“I am no one. Just as you are now no one like all who reside here.”[/FONT][/QUOTE] Ouch. Can you say "run-on"? Try this: [indent][I]"I am no one. Just as you are now: no one, like all who reside here."[/I][/indent] Just a little punctuation there, eh? :animesmil I won't bother you with a complete dissection of every little thing I see. You're probably sore enough at me as it is. I really liked the concept you brought together. It was a neat thought: the almost purgatorial "holding environment" before the recycling dimension, and a glimpse into the emotions of those caught in-between. The lack of typical resolution really ended the story right. Good job.[/COLOR] BK, man, you use too many durn words. :p It's not that I think that you're turning into Mitch or anything, or that you're losing meaning at all, but that you don't quite hit the right phrasing a good bit of the time. Really, all you're losing is speed, since the reader needs an instant to get the right image. Like so: [QUOTE][FONT="Tahoma"]Captain Lyle intended to bring up a visual on the screen to give them a closer view, but it wasn’t long before a communication channel was opened up, an unknown identification code, but it was no matter as a holographic image was put up on the conference table seconds after the channel was established.[/FONT][/QUOTE] [QUOTE][FONT="Tahoma"]The sight outside was bright and fiery with explosions just minutes away from the Velpecula, the source of which being the fighter jets that were meant to combat the Vespa’s brigade.[/FONT][/QUOTE] [QUOTE][FONT="Tahoma"]The two walked down several corridors speaking about several topics. Their roles aboard the ship were quite similar. Amongst the scientists, astrologists, military personnel, ship crew, mechanics, etc…they were the youngest stargazers aboard any of the six ships that were launched. Showing great promise and knowledge in the study of the stars and ancient space relics and phenomena in past symposiums and showcasing irrefutable proof of great findings that not even top scientists could interpret, Benjamin Crux and Jenna Meliana were chosen as representatives of the United Nations as part of the team to ensure a way to activate the gate within the Triangle.[/FONT][/QUOTE] You see what I mean? It gets the idea across, but something just doesn't seem right, you know? Because going any further with that thought would necessitate me taking liberties with your material that I do not feel comfortable taking, I'll leave it at that. If you want to talk more about it, I'd be more than willing to discuss it via PM (your call), but I've already done one rewrite in this post, and I'm loathe to do any more. Other than that, you occasionally have the same fragment issue that SunfallE has, albeit not as frequently. Also, I never really understood what the Vespa were, or why they were such a major threat. Considering that they were pretty central to the story itself, I feel cheated. Then there's your ending. You just kind of stopped, and I'm left feeling kind of like Captain Lyle, asking "so, what now?" It's kind of the [I]Tune in next episode![/I] feel, I think, and it just isn't really satisfying. With the painstaking way you set up your mythos, I expected some sort of climactic finish. The culprit was probably the length, since I got the feeling that even the Guardian Altair obstacle wouldn't be the final conflict to face the Velpecula and her crew. I'm curious where you plan on going with it, but it doesn't seem to fit the context here. That's only a personal bone, though. Still, all that aside, I [I]did[/I] want you to keep going after I'd finished reading. I was quite definitely interested in your story and where you were taking it, and if you do continue, I'll probably follow it a good ways. I want to know more about these star guardians and just what it is that they're guarding, and what the Vespa are, and what humanity will find to protect themselves from their newfound threat. Thank you for a fun read. I think the difference in the stories endings will most definitely play in the judges final decision. It all comes down to guidelines, really. [QUOTE][FONT="Tahoma"][I]SunfallE and BKstyles will offer their versions of a [B]short story[/B] following the mutually agreed guidelines,....[/I][/FONT][/QUOTE] [COLOR="DarkRed"]SunfallE[/COLOR] gave us a short story, while [COLOR="DarkRed"]BK[/COLOR] submitted more of a chapter, or a portion thereof. Whether this will decide the match, I can't say, but it [I]does[/I] seem to slant things in [COLOR="DarkRed"]SunfallE[/COLOR]'s favor. But then again, I'm not one of the judges, so we'll just have to see what they say. Best of luck to you both, as contradictory as that is.[/FONT]

[FONT=Arial][B]Name:[/B] Luciano Paolo Torvel [B]Gender:[/B] Male Age: Photograph: [B]Position:[/B] Military Officer Credentials Reason for Applying Living Immediate Family Other Qualifications [CENTER]In Progress[/CENTER][/FONT]

[FONT=Arial]If you don't like fruit, go away. Now. :D (Seriously. A debate over why fruit are and aren't good food is a terrible idea, and in the end is completely subjective, so the only possible reason for a fruit-hater to consider being in this thread would serve to do nothing except pick a fight. That's all, really. Not that I hate you or anything ... yet.) But yeah, let's talk about fruit. It's an innocuous topic. Likes, dislikes, faves, etc. You all know the drill. For me, I really don't like bananas. It's not that they taste bad or anything, just that after I eat one I always feel like making that face that Tim Allen made after he drank soy milk in The Santa Clause. It's incredibly mealy, and a very difficult texture to get off of one's palette. They're not bad with Cheerios, but other than that I won't eat them. Out of the rest, I have three favorites. Grapes I like as a muchie food for when I've got the nibbles, especially the green ones. Something about the tart flavor, I guess. Black grapes (or blue, or purple; whatever they're called) are just too sweet for my liking, and the red ones are only good in large quantities when they're served with cheese for some reason, so I usually stick with green. Seedless, in case you were wondering. Pears are pretty great, too. I'm bizarre in that I like them on the hard side; I suppose it comes from the fact that I've never felt that fruit is supposed to dissolve in your mouth. Besides, watermelon is the one that gets you covered with juice, not pear. (Although I admit that half the fun in eating a pear is trying to make all the juice go into your mouth and not down your face.) I think, though, that plums are pretty much the most perfect fruit ever. ("That's [I]apple[/I] good" just doesn't make sense. :p ) When ripe, it's the right kind of fleshy and the right kind of sweet, with just enough tartness afterwards to make you want another one, and it's juicy without being dribbly. (Which basically means you don't have to eat it over a sink.) Blackberries are sweet also, but they tend to be a little on the crunchy side, and other spheroid fruit have that sticky citrus factor to deal with. Plums are just awesome.[/FONT]

[FONT=Arial]To avoid confusion, perhaps it would be better to only number those missions that are common to all job classes ? at least, those from the same alignment ? and use the individual mission names for the titles of class-specific missions. That way we wouldn't have Spammers going on their first quest looking like it's their third. On that note, you're probably going to start asking for common missions. I'll think some.[/FONT]

[quote name='Fasteriskhead]I think you've misunderstood what I'm getting at (fair enough, I phrased that part badly). I meant "compatibility" in [i]conceptual[/i] terms there, by which I had in mind concepts that would be sensibile together and those that wouldn't. "Irresponsibility fishes on purple" is a grammatically perfect sentence, but it's nonsensical (well, I'm sure someone could imagine a situation where it would make sense, but for now let's say it's nonsense). My point was just that even if you gathered together a set of words/logical subjects (no verb conjugations, etc. yet) that would make sense [U]if[/U] they formed a sentence, you would never actually [U]get[/U'] the sentence out of them.[/quote] [FONT=Arial]So basically, you were intending to say that grammatical compatibility does not necessarily guarantee conceptual compatibility, and vice versa. I agree in the former case, but I'm not so sure about the latter ... assuming I'm reading you right. So then, if we take the statement "Og want cave," I think your point is illustrated from the direction I was coming from. Conceptually, it makes perfect sense. Og, a person, would like something. In this case, it's a cave. Anyone hearing this statement would know immediately what he meant – assuming that they spoke the same language, which I might get into later. Grammatically, it's not perfect. It's close – i.e., it contains a clear subject and a clear verb (and a clear D.O., but that's unnecessary to a perfect sentence) – but is saying a sentence is imperfect the same as saying that it is not a sentence? What I mean is, doesn't the process of attempting to communicate concepts at least approximate a sentence? Take another example: "You. There. Now." In writing, these words aren't technically a sentence. However, the manner in which they are written implies that they are spoken, which raises an interesting concept. When you read words, are they just words on the page, or do you hear them pronounced in your mind? Aren't written words just a defined method for conveying sound? If so, then why are we trying to communicate with this sound? Isn't [I]that[/I] just a means of producing an image or concept in another's mind similar to the one in one's own? Notice this sentence: "Look over there." Without clarification, it's just an imperative. It is grammatically correct (subject [I]you[/I] is implied), but when spoken, it is usually accompanied by a motion: an arm or a finger, or even just a face, pointed in the direction the speaker wishes the hearer to look. What I'm getting at is: if you're trying to find out what a sentence is, I can only direct you back to [COLOR=DarkRed]Break[/COLOR]'s first post. If, though, you're trying to isolate the meaning in a sentence, then you've already contradicted yourself; at the beginning of the thread you specifically stated you didn't want to get into the communicative aspect of language in society, and the only reason a sentence has meaning is because society is using it as a method for communication. As to why the [I]format[/I] exists, it is most likely because of an effort to communicate more clearly than a statement such as "Og want cave" can do. [QUOTE][I]As for the liar paradox, I think it's actually something that can be worked out quite easily.[/I][/QUOTE] Are you sure? [QUOTE][I]Assume that any sentence you can say always contains the fact that it's [i]asserted[/i], i.e. that it calls itself true. "It's hot outside" is, meaning-wise, equivalent to "it's true that it's hot outside" (it's kind of like multiplying by 1). Even negative statements should do this: "it's not hot outside," which is the same as "'it's hot outside' is false," can be made into "''it's hot outside' is false' is true." As a way of making this clearer, I'll make it so that the main sentence is named by a variable. For example, "it's hot outside" becomes "'it's hot outside' is x and x is true." So with a liar paradox like "this sentence is a complete lie," you end up with a structure like "'x is false' is x and x is true," or simply "x is false and x is true." This is a simple contradiction. Assuming anyone believes in logic laws anymore, all contradictory statements are false, and the same with this one. So the reverse of the statement, its negation, must be true. However, the negation of "this sentence is a complete lie" (understanding it as I am) isn't "'this sentence is a complete lie' is false," which would fall right back into the paradox. It should be taken instead as "'this sentence is a complete lie and this sentence is true' is false," which in regular English can be translated as "this sentence is not both true and false." Does that make sense?[/I][/QUOTE] No. Not that it doesn't make sense from a logical standpoint, just that in the process of the dissection we run into the problem of assuming that "x is false" is independent of the the sentence, while actually "x is false" is "x is true". The conclusion that "this sentence is not both true and false" is erroneous because it implies that one or the other is still true; by that I'm saying that "is not both" = "is either-or". The conclusion should be "this sentence is neither true nor false". But then, what is it? If it cannot be one without being the other, and it cannot be both but by the same token cannot be neither, then it just keeps cycling back into itself. I didn't write it so that you'd analyze it logically. I wrote it to show that a sentence's meaning does not depend wholly on logic, but also on abstraction. The meaning of this sentence was not actually what the words said, but rather the concept that the analysis of its words led to. It made sense by making no sense. "This sentence is a complete lie" means quite simply that abstraction exists. Meaning, then, is got from both a sentence's logical meaning and its abstract meaning, and thus quite conveniently defies analysis. I think [I]I[/I] may need some lunch. [B]Edit:[/B] I'm laughing right now because I just noticed how appropriate my sig quote is.[/FONT]

[FONT=Arial]Well, that bestiary list certainly proved my fears kind of ungrounded. :animeswea Good. Oh, so [I]that's[/I] how the stats'll work. Gotcha. Back later if I spot anything, or if I have a random spasm again.[/FONT]

[quote name='Sandy']XP I've also got some balance issues with them (help, Allamorph!).[/quote] [FONT=Arial]:wigout: Hold on! Lemme catch up! Alright, I'm back on the stats issue again. (I know everybody's going :animecry: right now....) I'm going to start with a look at a random [B]Gamer[/B], referred to from now on as [B]Ploppy[/B]. Ploppy starts with [HP: 8; MP: 2; Att: 3; Mag: 1], with a Buffer Sword [Att: +3 = 6]. Obviously, the only way Ploppy can advance, setting missions aside for the moment, is by killing [B]Loveworms[/B]. Once Ploppy hath slain five of these foul beasts, Ploppy shalt advance to the mighty Level Two [HP: +1 = 10; MP: +1 =3; Att: +1 = 7; Mag: +1 = 2], whereupon he shalt equip (presumably after purchasing) the armor Junk Mail to his person [HP: +6 = 16]. He then must kill five more before he hits Lv 3 [+1 to all; HP: 17; MP: 4; Att: 8; Mag: 3]. Now, Ploppy's XP ceiling has doubled, meaning he has to kill ten of the same enemy in order to advance; however, he sees that he is Lv 3 and, feeling truly powerful, notes that [B]Hate Mail[/B] are worth 15 XP, and it would only take two to advance another level, and four to advance to a second. I see a minor problem here. First, that's one doozie of a Level Three Virus you've got there: Hate Mail (Virus Level 3) HP: 34 MP: 12 Reward: 15 Experience & 20 OtakuBucks [I]Thirty-four?[/I] The Spammer is the highest class in HP even at Lv 4, when they might have 26 HP, and even with the Poison in effect and Mass Spam, it'll take a good four turns for them to kill one, and the Hate Mail only needs three turns to kill the Spammer. The poor little Mangaka wouldn't be able to survive until maybe Lv 6 against a level 3 virus. Unless you have some system for hits/misses that I haven't seen yet.... Also, though I agree that 15 XP with those stats is necessary, I just don't think the virus matches the level it's been given. Sure, the Monsters will be a little more powerful than Players of matching levels, but that's kind of unnecessary, I think. If I'm the only one that thinks this, then I don't mind; I just calls 'em likes I sees 'em. I just feel that Players should at least be able to consider taking on a Monster of an equal level, regardless of whether or not they can handle multiples. [QUOTE][I]Too bad my country only sells the original green bottle. ;P[/I][/QUOTE] You think that's something? Cripes, you should see how many flavors there are of Jones Soda over here. (Blueberry Pomegranate, Fufu Berry, ... Turkey and Dressing ....) [QUOTE][I]To eliminate any bad blood between players in a party, the experience should be distributed evenly. Most missions will also give out experience and gold once completed.[/I][/QUOTE] That last part I knew would happen. (Gold=OtakuBucks?) Personally, I lean towards a slightly tilted XP distribution, but I see the sense in Even Steven, and I think that really you're right. King Lol. :p I'm a little confused as to how the Element and Status systems will actually work. I understand the whole one beats two beats three concept (a circular extension of Paper-Rock-Scissors, which has been used before). What does everything actually do? (I mean, I understand how Blindness will impair seeing, but what does that mean? And how mechanically does Flower beat Earth?) [QUOTE][I][SIZE="1"]#1 [B]Sandy[/B] as [I]Kikuichimonji[/I], a 24 years old male [B]Mangaka[/B] [I]Level:[/I] 4 [I]Experience:[/I] 52 (Next Lv-Up: 70) [I]HP:[/I] 9+10=[B]19[/B]-4=15 [I]MP:[/I] 14+10=[B]24[/B]-9=15 [I]Atk:[/I] 5+2=7 [I]Mag:[/I] 7+3=10 [I]Element:[/I] water attack [I]Status:[/I] none [I]Abilities:[/I] - Sakura Bud (Level 1, +2 flower elemental damage) MP -2 - Ink Splash (Level 2, inflicts "Blindness"-status, making target unable to see) MP -2 - Sakura Blossom (Level 3, +3 flower elemental damage up to two targets) MP -5 - Zipper Lips (Level 4, inflicts "Muteness"-status, making target unable to cast magic) MP -4 [I]Equipped Weapon:[/I] Fountain Pen [I]Equipped Armor:[/I] School Uniform [I]Inventory:[/I] 2x Candy, Mana Marble, Speech Bubble, Calligraphy Brush [I]OtakuBucks:[/I] 120 [I]Missions Completed:[/I] #2, #6 [I]Missions Accepted:[/I] #8 [I]Party:[/I] none[/SIZE][/I][/QUOTE] You're currently going solo. All equipped item bonuses are in the first addition set, and I assume your combat negatives are in the second. Acquired abilities are listed, as well as Equipped and Inventory, etc. From the stats, I'd say you're fighting a Loveworm. It's Hugged you twice; you have cast Sakura Blossom and Zipper Lips. I'll know more about how badly you've hurt it when I understand the damage/Elemental damage system better. :p So, what was that "Help!" for?[/FONT]

[quote name='ChibiHorsewoman][color=#9933ff][font=lucida calligraphy]...because after all you will be displaying this picture to complete strangers whenever you want to drink in public or are arrested.[/color'][/font][/quote] [FONT=Arial]I don't want to be drunk in public. I want to be drunk in a bar.[/FONT]

[quote name='Panda']Also, I am not sure if it is the same everywhere but people don't seem to talk there.[/quote] [FONT=Arial]I think it's more because we're all afraid to laugh, or even make a noise. Those DMV employees always seem to be really PO'd about [I]something[/I]. For some reason, my license photos always make me look like I'm either insane or stoned.[/FONT]

[FONT=Arial]Oooh! Oooh! Brain spasm! :animesmil Mountain Dew would be the [I]perfect[/I] health regen or stat increase item. Try this: Diet MD -- restores some HP MD -- restores greater HP MD Red -- restores greater HP, adds a little to Att for [number of posts?] MD Blue Shock -- restores greater HP, adds a little to Mag for [number of posts] (MD Pitch Black -- same as Blue Shock, but for Dark alignment?) MD Code Red -- restores many HP (a last resort item) MD Live Wire -- resurrects a KO'd player (rare; summer release only :p) And then you have all the other unknown flavors, like those that they sell only at Taco Bell or 7-11, and you've got AMP and AMP Overdrive and MDX and MD Sport and Dew Iced, etc., etc. I think it's cool. [quote name='Sandy']I think open communication would be very essential in this game. People should notify the gamemasters if they are absent for more than a few days, and if they're unable to do that, gamemasters would have the power to skip over their turn after a day or two.[/quote] Right. It needs a little clarification, but that's pretty much where my mind was headed. ...no pun intended. :p Players should notify their (current?) GM if they are [I]going to be[/I] absent for more than a few days. A two-day skip policy seems a little rough; but then again, the most I'd be inclined to wait for is three. [U]Side-note on XP:[/U] In party missions, how will the combat XP be distributed? Will all XP go to the Player that delivered the Monster's final blow, or will some XP be earned for taking part in battle against that particular Monster? If the latter, will the XP be split evenly, split in favor of the killer, or preset? E.g.: Hate Mail (Virus Lv 3) HP: 34 MP: 12 Reward: 15 XP & 20 Þ (or some other arbitrary monetary symbol) Now, say three Mangaka (class is irrelevant) fight the Hate Mail, and Mangaka 1 kills it. Does M1 get all 15 XP? Does M1 get 7 and M2 and M3 receive 4 apiece (an arbitrary division on my part there)? Or do each of the players get 5 XP, end of story? Also, how is the loot divided? I don't think you need to focus on this aspect yet, though. I think the primary concern right now should be the general groundwork for the MMO, and I'll keep further detail notes to myself for a bit ? at least, until the point when somebody feels that a subject desperately needs to be raised, or something like that. I don't necessarily think you should [I]ignore[/I] it, but just keep my nitpicking floating in the back of your mind for now. [QUOTE][I]The more I think about this game, the more I see problems with it, but also possibilities. I don't think this will be [I]impossible[/I] to make (referring to the multiple AIM convos I had yesterday), but it will require a lot more work. [/I][/QUOTE] I don't see problems so much as kinks, but I agree with you. Besides, I get a great deal of pleasure out of trying to make stuff work. [QUOTE][I]There will be separate goals and achievements for the Bright Side and the Dark Side (still need to figure out proper names for those alignments), although at the moment, the Dark Side is much more limited in terms of options. I could use some opinions on this. [B]Should the game focus only on the good guys, with a few "neutral" jobs thrown in there? Or should it be playable from both sides of the story?[/B][/I][/QUOTE] I think the game should lean towards the canon (Bright) side, but still retain the option to play as an Evildoer, so to speak. (Jihadist? :p ) I need to mull over this for about a day, so I can be as clear as I'd like to be without getting too detail-oriented. (Bad habit. Sorry.) [QUOTE][I]Japan and I discussed about the central locations for this game. She agreed to help me with them, but basically they are Otaku City, the current capital of Ob Kingdom, and the Forsaken City (working name), the old capital that was taken over by the viruses long time ago.[/I][/QUOTE] This just occurred to me: what about a sort of neutral territory? [B]N00b Mountain[/B] comes to mind, with a fairly large, emo-looking keep near the top, referred to as [B]The Hall of the N00b King[/B] (and possibly with [COLOR=DarkRed]DB[/COLOR] as the overseer ? he might at least get a shrine or something.) :D It [I]was[/I] his self-proclaimed title, was it not?[/FONT]

[quote name='Japan_86'][COLOR="DarkRed"]How about mountain dew as well?[/COLOR][/QUOTE] [FONT=Arial]Considering that Mountain Dew is the Nectar of Life.... Yeah. Marching Band habits die hard. A quickie, since I'm on a truncated lunch break: [QUOTE][I]That is a possibility, yes, but since the individual players aren't exactly competing against each others (in general, at least), I see no harm in it.[/I][/QUOTE] I was thinking more along the lines of party combat situations ? especially ones where one member of the party runs into a problem and can't post for, say, two days. How would we get around initiative that way? Everyone else in the party, including the opposing Monsters/Players, is stuck until that person can post, assuming they don't wish to drop or can't even send that much of a message. Not so much [I]competition[/I], then, as much as [I]the group is only as fast as its slowest player[/I]. And given Murphy's Law....[/FONT]

[QUOTE=Sandy]The battles will take place in the game thread(s), and they will flow with one action per post (see the list of actions above). The gamemasters would play as the monsters, so the speed of the battle wouldn't be so frantic. The player and the monster would of course take turns to attack (the initiative would be decided upon the levels of the opponents, ie. a level 2 Gamer would attack first against a Loveworm (level 1)). Also, the players would have to either go solo against the monsters, or form a party to attack them in unison. If the monsters were fair game to everybody, they would probably have no chance to strike at all. ;P[/QUOTE] [FONT=Arial]And then a 50/50 initiative for equal-level opponents? Sure. Eliminates the need for a Speed stat. Currently we have Player v. Monster and Players v. Monster scenarios, but what about multiple Monsters per battle: Player v. Monsters and Players v. Monsters? Also, if the GMs are controlling the monsters, that opens up the possibility that a person may only be able to take one action [I]per day[/I], while others might be able to take four or five, depending on who is online at the same time as who. It's an interesting dilemma. If you put Monster control in the hands of the players, you have the honor system problem I mentioned earlier. Now, I know there's be a good bit of honest players who'd make the system work, but there's always the possibility for one or two (or more) players who'd take advantage of that system and post crud to their heart's content. The GMs could drop them from the game, of course, but that raises the problem of banning members from [U]individual[/U] [U]threads[/U] instead of the site as a whole, and that's a nasty can of worms that just doesn't need to be opened. Either way, you have bugs. GM control is the obvious way to go, but that's still a problem that would become irritating for multiple players. ---------------------- Ah. So monsters do static damage. That makes the HP problem a little easier to deal with. What about attacks that decrease both the HP and MP pool? [QUOTE][I][B]School Uniform[/B] – Mangaka Level 4, HP +10, MP +10, protects from "Boredom"[/I][/QUOTE] I see. I [I]am[/I] on board with the stat-supplementing items concept. I guess I'm just more inclined to be forced to work at both balancing and unbalancing my character at my whim, if that's clear. And still, a separation of five points grows less pronounced the higher the character grows.[/FONT]

[quote name='James][color=#606060']How are you going to keep track of all this? Sounds like you'd need a lot of gamemasters.[/color][/quote] [FONT=Arial]That reminds me: how are the monsters going to be kept track of, and who'll be controlling them? Relying completely on the honor system just won't cut it, and the possible numbers could get daunting. I'm not trying to talk you out of this, just throwing up something that just hit me. ....but I reflex-saved for half damage.[/FONT]

[quote name='Sandy][B]Edit:[/B'] Allamorph, good call on the level ups. You just forgot to take the equipment and abilities into equation. In case of the Mangaka, it's weapons raise magic more than attack, thus making the final stats more different. The spells are also meant to be more powerful than the physical attack.[/quote] [FONT=Arial]Oh, I saw that, and it makes sense. That's why I wanted to be clear that I know only a little about what I was getting at. But still, let's take the L.20 Mangaka with a Calligraphy Brush casting Withering Sakura. Calligraphy Brush (Required Level 5, Atk +3, Mag +5) Withering Sakura (Level 5, +5 flower elemental damage up to three targets) MP Cost: 10 The previous stats alter to this: HP: 24 --> +0 --> 24 MP: 29 --> -10 --> 19 Att: 24 --> +3 --> 27 Mag: 27 --> +10 --> 37 True, their Magic is higher now, but their MP pool is terrible for a Magic-based class. I know I'm only looking at temp changes, but the Mag jump isn't as pronounced without the spell being cast (only 32, with a 29 MP pool ? still a little low, IMO), and I'm still in favor of a marked difference between class stat increasing. I'm also aware of the possibilities for doing ridiculous amounts of damage early on ? never cool ? which is why I liked FE's Def and Res stats. (I [I]think[/I] Res=Will, but I'm not sure. I'll check here in a second.) [quote name='Sandy']As for the Otaku-job, I'm planning to make "Super Otaku" an advanced job, with more powerful equipment and skills than a "mere" Mangaka could ever dream of. ;P[/quote] I saw that, too, which is why I drew the Paladin/Great Knight/General parallel. The way I see it, an Otaku could progress to: Japanophile, who is [I]so[/I] much an Otaku that it borders on fan[gender]ism, and their knowledge of all things Japan is rivaled by few; Super Otaku, who retains their obsession with ... whatever ... but also dabbles slightly in the areas of fanart/fanfics/etc.; Mangaka, who has taken their fandom to a serious level, enough so that they have begun developing their own particular styles, or some such other, better description. Also, some Gamers might become Super Otaku, while some [insert Anthology class here]s could become Mangaka, but each class would also have its own particular class that only it could progress to. Yes? No? Maybe? [/[I]Johnny English[/I] French accent][/FONT]

[FONT="Arial"][I]*reads over list of occupations*[/I] So, umm . . . which one would I fall into? :animedepr [I]*hopes it's not a [B]catalyst[/B]*[/I] [B]EDIT:[/B] (after realizing the jack-assyness of my post) Why not have the Mangaka [I]be[/I] an upgrade class, from say a normal Otaku? To me, the title Mangaka already implies a good deal of specialization (manga author). I'm thinking along the lines of Fire Emblem class changes here, where a Cavalier could move to either Paladin or Great Knight; and a Knight, while also possessing the Great Knight option, could go to General. Does that click, or am I just blithering again? Basically, it seems like the 'good' class options are currently rather outnumbered by the 'bad' class options, and they don't (currently) seem to offer a good degree of versatility. Also, as far as leveling is concerned, are you just using a coverall +1 for the stats in each class, or will you be setting things up so that one class advances [I]faster[/I] in some stats than in others? Take your Mangaka example. At level 20, they'd look like this: HP: 24 MP: 29 Att: 24 Mag: 27 Seems a little too even, right? Wouldn't you expect something like this: HP: 24 MP: 43 Att: 22 (or lower) Mag: 37 (-ish) Even factoring in the fifth- and tenth-level bonuses (just assumed...), advancing far enough would even out the stats enough to make choosing one class over another seem almost trivial. What about: Mangaka (starter job) Basic HP: 5 (+1 every level, +2 every [fifth or sixth?] ) Basic MP: 10 (+1 every level, +[2 or 3?] every third) Basic Attack Power: 1 (+1 every level; 5% for +2, 5% for +0) Basic Magic Power: 3 (+1 every level, +2 every third) I'm just using logic and spouting off stuff I've gleaned from other RPGs in passing. If I'd actually studied the level-up systems I've come across, I'd be more comfortable going further with this. Other than that, I don't know how much assistance I can be. I'll fart around with some stuff, though, and see what happens; and if you come up with anything you think I might could help out with, I'd be more than willing to give it a go.[/FONT]

[FONT=Arial]This sentence is a complete lie. While I want to start discussing this topic with you, I'm hung up one one of your statements; and without this statement clarified for me, I cannot proceed without simply repeating to you what you already know. [quote name='Fasteriskhead']Just because I can pull together a bunch of words, even compatible ones (grammatically and conceptually), doesn't mean I'm automatically given a sentence.[/quote] Show me a group of compatible words (grammatically and conceptually) which do not yield a sentence. Also, think about why I might have written what I wrote above. [center]GON BACKSON[/CENTER][/FONT]

[FONT="Arial"]A man walked in empty space. That was all that could be said about his surroundings, really. There was a definite floor that he walked upon, judging from the slight shadow under his pacing feet, but whether there were walls or a ceiling it was difficult to say for certain. Even the source of the light that caused him to cast a shadow was uncertain; that it came from above him was obvious, but the where and what and how high were unknown. The man didn?t seem to mind very much, or else he simply hadn?t noticed. Either way, he kept walking. Where he was headed was yet another mystery. There were no landmarks to be seen in any direction around the man, nor were there any seams in the floor. This, coupled with the monochrome white of the landscape, served to render the concept of distance nearly obsolete. The space might have been infinite; or it might have extended for several miles outward, or several dozen yards, or twenty feet; or it might have only encompassed the area around the man. There was no way of knowing for certain. The man seemed to know, however ? or else he had a specific direction in mind. Either way, he kept walking. There wasn?t much to be gleaned from studying his appearance, either. His dress was as monochrome as the space in which he walked: a white tuxedo jacket with tails, like a concertmaster?s suit; white tuxedo pants; a white, five-button vest over a white dress shirt, both with white buttons; and glossy white shoes. His hands, thrust cuff-deep into his pants pockets, wore white gloves, though naturally one couldn?t tell. He wore no tie, and on his head sat a plain white fedora, without band or feather. From the angle of his hat he seemed to be walking blind, as if his destination was coming to him, and not the other way around. His calm smile seemed to support the notion; his hat obscured his features from the bridge of his nose upwards, leaving any observers only the smile to guess his thoughts from. What could be seen of his hair was blond and neatly trimmed. Given this, and that his skin was a light shade of cream, it could be deduced that his eyes were most likely blue ? but, in concordance with his surroundings, there was simply no way of knowing for certain. He passed a body. It was a young girl in appearance, with long pink hair, dressed in a peculiar, sleeveless black dress with a large bow between the shoulders, a pair of elbow-length kid gloves, and rounded heels laced halfway up her calves. The entire ensemble seemed more appropriate as Halloween-wear than as everyday attire, but the man in white wasn?t here to judge her on that. The girl lay prostrate, her head tilted to one side, her face contorted in disgust and horror. The crusted blood in her hair around the base of her skull suggested a stab wound, and her vacant, milky eyes confirmed that she was dead. The man?s head shifted to his right as he passed her by; unconcerned, he kept walking. [FONT=Freefrm721 Blk BT]Lillathica.[/FONT] Another body lay to his left. This one was a boy ? also in black, though probably for different reasons. His hair was black as well, though the dye and hair gel were painfully obvious. Judging from the body?s ruined appearance, he, too, was dead, most likely from the multiple high-velocity impacts that had crushed most of his bones: blunt force trauma. If nothing else, this corpse was much more disturbing than the previous one. [FONT=Freefrm721 Blk BT]Julian.[/FONT] A field of bodies lay before him, and his pace slowed as he began to navigate carefully through them. Some were intact, such as the little Penelope Archess and the dark-humored Meredith Taylor. Some were mostly intact, such as the decapitated Claire Montoya. Some, such as the silent Angela Godspeed and the frantic Desmond Sykes, were mere skeletons, and others, like Oromis Tu?Wail and Etamet, were shown as they were before they died, since nothing had been left afterwards ? the second time, that is. The man recognized all thirty-three bodies, and remembered how each had lived and died in the bloodbath ? literally, at one point ? that had been the Panopticon. His objective was not among the dead, though, and so he ignored them all, concerning himself only with moving around and through their uncannily preserved carcasses. His objective was the only living thing currently in sight, and who happened to be resting on one knee by the partially dismembered corpse of Lucia Travera. The figure was that of a tall young boy of about twenty, dressed in a pair of loose-fitting blue jeans, black Wolverines, and a dark burgundy T-shirt. The shirt sported a very odd design: on the front was a less-than-typical Jolly Roger, whose skull wore a ridiculously tall mohawk and sat over a pair of crossed [I]trom[/I]bones; on the back was a large square outline that contained various names and nicknames, surrounded on the sides by the text ?THS BONELINE?, the years 2004-05 underneath, and on top, the bearer?s own moniker, ?Falcon?, chosen for no particular reason. (When pressed about it, he generally pointed to the third name on the list: ???.UH??.) He wore a thin black leather belt about his waist, with a simple silver clasp pulled through the last notch. After reaching the boy, the man in white stood for a few seconds, examining his charge. Both of the boy?s arms lay on his raised left knee, and he appeared to be lost in thought as he studied Lucia?s body. He was a long person, and very slender, though his shirt and jeans served to mask the thinness of his build. His eyes were a light shade of bluish grey, and his dark brown hair was parted on the right and combed left, causing his bangs to swoop over his forehead. Currently, they swooped down about halfway, and he was most likely due for a haircut sometime soon. The man spoke. [FONT=Freefrm721 Blk BT]You called?[/FONT] The boy stirred at the sound. ?Yeah,? he answered, sighing. ?Just give me a minute.? The man seemed amused. [FONT=Freefrm721 Blk BT]Ever the empath, eh?[/FONT] ?Oh, come off it. I was just thinking, is all.? [FONT=Freefrm721 Blk BT]Of course.[/FONT] The boy knelt for another moment, then rose to his feet. He stood slightly taller than the man in white, but neither seemed to feel oddly about the situation, since they apparently already knew each other. They surveyed the morgue around them. ?Kind of depressing, isn?t it?? the boy asked. [FONT=Freefrm721 Blk BT]You could say that.[/FONT] ?And so I did,? he retorted good-humoredly. ?But, I mean, look at this.? He gestured towards the remains of Delilah Rousseau: a charred cadaver, burned almost completely beyond recognition. ?That was just unnecessary. Of course, so were the seraphim, but still?.? [FONT=Freefrm721 Blk BT]I know.[/FONT] ??yeah. You get my point. What a waste.? [FONT=Freefrm721 Blk BT]Ours is not to reason why?.[/FONT] ?Oh, don?t go quoting Tennyson to me.? The man in white seemed pleased. The boy clasped his hands behind his back, and the two began walking through the field of bodies, the boy making comments about this person here or that one there, and the man listening, occasionally chipping in a thought or two, his gaze cast ever downward. They stopped by a corpse near the edge of the collection. It was a cat, a small, pretty calico, whose head had been badly crushed. Her eyes hung disgustingly from their sockets, and her blood had pooled around her gaping mouth. The boy?s nose and brow wrinkled in disgust. ?Oh, for the love of Mike,? he said, sounding exasperated. ?[I]Do[/I] something about that, would you?? The man in white withdrew a gloved hand from his pocket and reached down. He stopped the movement just past the cat?s head and grasped something in the air, then jerked back sharply. There was a sound like a sheet of paper tearing, and just like that the calico was back to normal. Her side began to rise and fall, and her paws twitched, as if she were dreaming. The boy knelt down next to her and stroked her head. Her eyes blinked open in response, and she pulled herself to her feet, stretching leisurely and yawning to chase away the sleep. ?Hey there, pretty girl,? the boy said quietly, running his hand gently down her back. ?Hey. How are ya? Feelin? better?? He scratched underneath her ears; she started purring loudly and began to circle him, rubbing against him as she came back by. She balked a little as his fingers reached for her nose, but after the first instant of contact, she arched her head into the caress. ?Oh, so you like that one, do ya?? He smiled. ?Yeah. I thought you might.? The boy continued to talk nonsense to her as he stroked her, while his companion watched silently. ?You know what else I think you?d like?? he asked suddenly as he scratched her between her shoulder blades. ?I think you?d like to be human again.? The cat froze. She stopped purring, and her head turned to meet his gaze. It, like his voice, was quiet, but there was an intensity hidden in it that held her eyes there. ?You remember, don?t you?? It was a statement, not a question; the smile had faded from his face. ?I know you do. It?s like what happened to the Onlooker: you spend enough time as one thing, you start to forget what you were before. Like what happens when you grow up. I don?t remember ever being shorter than this, but I was at one time. Once, I couldn?t see over a shopping cart. Now I can see people?s bald spots at fifteen yards. The memory is there, isn?t it? It?s just a little fuzzy.? The calico eyed him suspiciously. ?I had the Onlooker?s memories returned because I needed her to have them,? continued the boy. ?That?s how the trap worked: I played on causality to get her to overthink herself.? [FONT=Freefrm721 Blk BT]The Oedipus problem.[/FONT] ?Exactly. Would they have broken their vase if the oracle hadn?t said anything?? Another statement. [FONT=Freefrm721 Blk BT]That was The Matrix.[/FONT] The boy glanced at his comrade. ?Same scenario,? he explained. ?Prophecy, passing conversation; what is effect without the proper cause?? [FONT=Freefrm721 Blk BT]Ah.[/FONT] ?I?m blithering.? The boy returned his attention to the feline. ?I want to do a little something different with you. See, the Onlooker?s problem was that she cross-classed, and I had to undo it.? [FONT=Freefrm721 Blk BT]Dungeons and Dragons?[/FONT] ?Kind of. But if I do with you what I had done with her,? he continued to the cat, ?you?ll lose the possible experience you?ll have if I leave you as you are. That, and you were mine first.? [FONT=Freefrm721 Blk BT]Uh-huh.[/FONT] ?Be quiet, you. No more comments from the Peanut Gallery. Anyway,? he went on, ?I?d like to do some things for you, but first I need to ask you again. I think I know what you?ll answer, but I?d rather ask anyway. Free will and what, ya know? ?The point is, would you like to be human again?[I]Brittany[/I]?? The calico studied him a moment longer, then opened her mouth. A tentative miaow came out. The boy folded his arms on his knee, like his earlier position. ?Translation?? he requested. [FONT=Freefrm721 Blk BT]I?d say that was a yes.[/FONT] ?Excellent. I [I]had[/I] hoped, you know.? He closed his eyes. ?Do it like the others.? [FONT=Freefrm721 Blk BT]You mean?[/FONT] ?Yep.? [FONT=Freefrm721 Blk BT]As you wish.[/FONT] The man in white snapped his fingers. [CENTER]* * * * *[/CENTER] For Brittany, it was an incredible sensation. One second, she was barely a foot off the ground on all fours, the next she was standing straight up, as if nothing had happened. She?d expected some sort of light, or for the man in white to make some elaborate motions or something, but instead she was just herself again. ?Is that it?? she asked incredulously, studying her hands. ?I?m just ? me again?? ?Well, not really.? Brittany looked up. The boy keeling in front of her was looking at her rather oddly, as if he was sizing up a job well done; it gave her the creeps. ?What do you mean, ?not really??? ?Well,? the boy started, ?I didn?t really reverse the card?s effect. I just manipulated it to fit in with my own mythos. You?re not a cat anymore. But then, you?re not really [I]human[/I], either.? Brittany sighed. ?Great. So I?m a catgirl now, right?? ?Oh, come now,? the boy answered, grinning. ?Give me a little more credit than that. If you were a catgirl, you?d have that ridiculous feline speech impediment, nyah?? ?Hunh?? [FONT=Freefrm721 Blk BT]He has a good point.[/FONT] The boy?s grin turned devilish. ?Say it,? he urged. The man didn?t move. ?Saaaaaaaay iiiiit.? [FONT=Freefrm721 Blk BT]?nyah.[/FONT] Brittany giggled in spite of herself. The man in white seemed annoyed, but in a good-humored way. ?Da guy ain?t got no sensa yuma,? the boy said conspiratorially, in passable Cajun. [FONT=Freefrm721 Blk BT]Ian Fleming, [U]Live and Let Die[/U].[/FONT] ??of course, that?d probably be my fault.? He coughed. ?Anyway, you?re now neither human nor animal, nor are you both. You?re a blend of the two. My own personal recipe,? he added with another grin, this time silly-looking. Brittany wasn?t sure she understood. ?I don?t [I]feel[/I] different,? she said. ?Well, technically,? offered the boy, ?you don?t really remember what you used to feel like, so I?m not surprised. I mean, how often do you sit down and ask yourself what being human feels like? ?It?s kind of like being in the same room with a particular odor for a long time,? he explained. ?After so long, your mind gets used to the scent?s presence and you stop smelling it as strongly, or even at all. It?s the same with ?feeling human?. When you?ve been alive for twenty-odd years, or however long, you?re probably so used to being you that you don?t realize you?re you anymore. You take it for granted, to put it callously; you just don?t think about it. He grinned again. ?You [I]are[/I] different, though. Outwardly you?re almost the same.? He stood casually, raising his right arm, and twirled his hanging fingers lazily through the air. A full-length mirror with a carved oaken frame spun into view beside him. ?Take a look.? Brittany obeyed ? she couldn?t help it, really, since it had already drawn her attention with its sudden appearance. She gasped at her first glance and took an involuntary step backwards, reaching a hand up to tentatively touch her hair; it was no longer flaming red, but orange, with a few odd-looking white patches here and there. Instead of hanging to her shoulders like it had before, it was now cut short, slightly closer on the sides than the top, with an edgy look to it. Her mouth opened, but no sound emerged, and she stood rooted there, unable to tear her eyes away from her reflection. ?What?? asked the boy, now leaning on the mirror, his arm draped over its top. ?It?s just your fur. Besides, I think your eyes are cooler.? She hadn?t even thought to look. But, indeed, her eyes were different as well: gold instead of green, slitted instead of circular. Finally she found her voice. ?What am I?? [FONT=Freefrm721 Blk BT]V?nothrian.[/FONT] ?What?!? ?You?re V?nothrian,? the boy repeated. ?Or, as they?re known in common speech, and later in history after they?ve been pretty much forgotten, allamorphs. It?s Greek,? he informed her. ? ?Allasso?, for ?form? or ?shape?, and ?morfi? for ?to alter?, merged and appropriately modernized. It?s kind of like lycanthropy mixed with anthropomorphism. ?Bleah,? he added to himself. ?Say [I]that[/I] five times fast.? Brittany almost spoke, but the man in white beat her to it. [FONT=Freefrm721 Blk BT]Yes. That means ?werewolf? and ?cat-person? in layspeak.[/FONT] The boy sighed. ?Thank you. I was getting to that.? ?How does he do that?? The boy was visibly taken aback. ?I beg your pardon?? he returned, giving Brittany a blank look. Brittany was looking at the man in white very strangely. ?How does your friend speak without moving his mouth?? she asked again. ?Hunh? Oh. That.? The boy?s brow furrowed. ?To be honest, I?m not entirely sure. I?ve never really thought about it.? He turned to the man beside him. ?Why is that, anyway?? [FONT=Freefrm721 Blk BT]Don?t ask me. [U]You?re[/U] the author.[/FONT] ?Right.? The boy looked unconvinced, and he raised his eyebrows tiredly. ?At any rate, we?re going speedily down a rabbit trail. ?That?s all that?s visibly different about you,? he said to Brittany, changing the subject very abruptly. ?Just your hair and eyes. You retain senses and traits proportional to your animal form, and you?ll end up developing some personality quirks relevant to your specific animal, but other than that, you?re a normal human. He raised his hand before she could interrupt. ?You can also switch back to a feline with basically a thought. As a cat, you?ll only retain your human intellect and soul, and you?ll be a little larger than a normal domestic. In every other aspect you?ll be a regular cat. ?The shift itself will be instantaneous,? continued the boy. He grinned. ?None of that Animorph crap, with bones reshaping and fur growing and what. You?ll just be a cat, or a human. No inbetween. ?There?s also the matter of the half-shift, of course, which I have yet to fix an appropriate moniker to?,? he began, trailing off in thought. He shook himself. ?But you?ll no doubt find out about that on your own. You shouldn?t need [I]my[/I] help. ?That?s about it, really,? he finished, smiling abruptly. ?Sound good?? Brittany had tried her best to follow, but the boy had simply dumped too much information on her to adequately process, and so she voiced the only sentiment she could put words to. ?Why did you do this?? The question, oddly, failed to ruffle the boy?s composure. ?I was in a good mood,? he answered. ?Also, you were mine first, as I said earlier ? and I was given a convenient excuse. But really, I think I might be able to use you somewhere.? He smiled again. ?But I?m kind of tired of making you so bloody nervous,? he said, spinning the mirror back into nothing. He started towards the bewildered college girl; he moved languidly, but quickly crossed the distance between them. ?I?m also tired of being here ? wherever here is.? He laughed: a short puff of air expelled from his nose. ?There?s no color. It?s boring.? He placed an arm around her shoulder; she didn?t resist his touch, though she wasn?t sure why. ?Come on,? he said, starting to lead her off. ?I want to show you what I?ve got in mind. I think you?ll like it. We?ll get you back to campus first.? The thought of other people startled her. ?But how am I going to fit in with other people like this,? she asked, indicating her hair and eyes. ?Oh, I think you?ll manage. Besides, you?ve always got sunglasses and contacts?.? [CENTER]* * * * *[/CENTER] The man in white watched them leave. His quiet smile hadn?t left his face since he?d arrived here, and it didn?t seem likely to vanish anytime in the near future. Thrusting his hand back into his pocket, he turned in the opposite direction that his charge had taken and began to walk away. He didn?t think twice about the boy?s motives. He never did. His job was to be a conduit, a catalyst of sorts, or some rubbish like that that the boy had probably cooked up to sound deep and introspective. The man walked in empty space. The boy would find him again; it was only a matter of time. [center]----------------------------[/center] Right. This is what I saw almost immediately after reading [COLOR=DarkRed]SunfallE[/COLOR]'s Beast Card post; albeit, not exactly with a dead cat at that point. I hope you guys find this interesting. Oh, and a note to [COLOR=DarkRed]BKstyles[/COLOR], and whomever else it may concern: Aleister Faust was modeled after the Man in White, in case the parallel strikes you. I found their appearances and most of their personalities to be similar, so altering to one to fit the other was a rather quick process. The history was a bit more fun, though. :animesmil And, as always, criticism is much appreciated. (I [I]think[/I] I got all of the formatting right....)[/FONT]

[quote name='SunfallE][COLOR="goldenrod"']...the biggest thing that turns me off to reading what you've posted is that it's all run together. No breaks between paragraphs, no separation of conversation, etc.[/COLOR][/quote] [FONT=Arial]Excuse, excuses. :p But yeah. I think you pretty much found out the hard way that this place comes complete with a shocking lack of Word formatting. You [I]can[/I] indent, of course, but then the system just offsets the entire selected text as indented, and doesn't really work the same way. All we can do to rectify this is ... well, pretty much what you went back and did. You might want to go back and check, though, to make sure you got all your paragraph breaks.... Bottom line, playing with formating here is much fun. (No, rly.) Since I don't see it necessary to bash you with the "How to Use Language" stick, I feel a lot freer to be picky. I like getting to be picky. As a warning, I might seem a little rough from here on out, but I'm just being truthful, and I'm really only trying to help in whatever way I can. [center]--------------------[/center] [QUOTE][I][FONT="Arial"]Shadow-forms trudged away on a lone road of scarlet sand [B]which[/B] cut across a barren, twilit landscape.[/FONT][/I][/QUOTE] I'm not sure about this one, but perhaps "that" would work better here? At any rate, try it and see what you think. [QUOTE][I][FONT="Arial"]Their smoky, shifting forms moved in a slow, almost dragging pace, [strike]which was[/strike] reminiscent of [B][COLOR="Red"]a sleepwalker[/COLOR][/B].[/FONT][/I][/QUOTE] It feels like the struck portion just drags the narrative down. Unless you intended it that way...? If you strike the "which was", change the red to plural. I'd want to add some material about the sleepwalkers, but that's a personal call. [QUOTE][I][FONT="Arial"]...toward a darkening in the sky of such completeness that it must surely be offering the sweet solace of an oblivion equally [COLOR="Red"]as[/COLOR] thorough.[/FONT][/I][/QUOTE] Just a suggestion. (^_^) [QUOTE][I][FONT="Arial"]Yet the road that was a bloody slash on through an otherwise monotonous terrain stretched on endlessly in the twilight,....[/FONT][/I][/QUOTE] This thought feels awkward to me. I think it's because you used "on" twice (bear with me); it doesn't feel necessary the first time, and if you add a "what was" after "through", it might feel better. Of course, there's always this option: [indent][I]"Yet the road, a bloody sash through[/I] (or on; but not both) [I]what was an otherwise monotonous terrain, stretched on endlessly in the twilight...."[/I][/indent] Again, that's just how I would probably have written it. [QUOTE][I][FONT="Arial"][COLOR="Red"][B]Such was the state of affairs[/B][/COLOR] [COLOR="Red"]of[/COLOR] this desolate and futile road and its despairing inhabitants[B],[/B] when one of the shadows,[/FONT][/I][/QUOTE] Ew. Too much unnecessary verbiage. You lose meaning like that; I'd drop the "affairs" bit, and leave it at "state", or possibly "(dismal?) state". You know: parentheses included for synonyms and what. (It's not [I]true[/I] editorial lingo, but still.) ...and watch your spelling. :p And add the marked comma, I think. [QUOTE][I][FONT="Arial"][B]Even so, still [/B]the specter hesitated,....[/FONT][/I][/QUOTE] Bleah again. One or the other; I'd drop the latter. For the next bit, try out what I did to it. I think it might work better. [QUOTE][I][FONT="Arial"]All these thoughts came slowly to the creature, and countless forms of flickery textures had passed it there when it finally came to understand what it had been[strike][B](,)[/B][/strike] and what it had lost, [COLOR="Red"]and[/COLOR] the title and position of Self in a multitude [COLOR="Red"]?[/COLOR] no matter how it struggled internally, it could not even remember the name by which it had been called [COLOR="Red"]?[/COLOR] [strike]had[/strike] dawned on its faded and stagnant mind.[/FONT][/I][/QUOTE] That funky-looking mark after "been" is the only way I can currently think of to show a comma deletion. (The strike mark just sits over it, making it look like some sort of strange accent.) As for the second half, since I don't know how you intended that thought to come across I simply showed you how it appeared to me; basically, your clarity became a little fluffy there. [QUOTE][I][FONT="Arial"]...and for a time it was capable only of repeating to itself [U][COLOR="Red"]"I am"[/COLOR][/U], the great truth which was its only tie to reality[B],[/B] and [COLOR="Red"]the[/COLOR] only talisman that warded [COLOR="Red"](against?)[/COLOR] the otherwise overwhelming pull from the black in the sky ahead.[/FONT][/I][/QUOTE] Regarding the spoken bit, I'd definitely set it off in quotations, and possibly italicize it. Fiddle around with it and see what you like. The comma is a suggestion; the other two I think are necessary. [QUOTE][I][FONT="Arial"]...and the desire to find itself again the material thing it had once been.[/FONT][/I][/QUOTE] Again, this feels strange to me. I thought of two ways to fix it.... [indent][I]"...and the desire to find [COLOR=Red]for[/COLOR] itself again the material thing it had once been." "...and the desire to find itself again[COLOR=Red][B]:[/B][/COLOR] the material thing it had once been."[/I][/indent] Something like that. (^_^) [QUOTE][I][FONT="Arial"]The tensions between the two conflicting needs heightened, and just as its anxiety reached critical peaks[COLOR=Red].[/COLOR] [strike]which shook[/strike] [COLOR=Red]shaking[/COLOR] the form[COLOR="Red"]'[/COLOR]s mind with incredible agitation, it became aware of a strange phenomenon.[/FONT][/I][/QUOTE] I think that might work better. Oh, and watch your possessives. :p Like so: [QUOTE][I][FONT="Arial"]...but the shape of smoke and shadow did not stop its flight until sometime after the echoes of the anathema[COLOR="Red"]'[/COLOR]s noise had faded from its dim thoughts,....[/FONT][/I][/QUOTE] Heh. [QUOTE][I][FONT="Arial"]...until at last it halted [COLOR=Red](again?)[/COLOR], unsure of what it was it had been running from. Over the [B]time[/B] of what could have been have been hours or aeons[COLOR=Red],[/COLOR} the shade slowly recalled its history of existence, its more recent flight, and its current predicament.[/FONT][/I][/QUOTE] "Time" I think would be better as "course". I almost forgot. In case you're wandering how I got those cool little dashes to pop up earlier, let me just say that the ALT+NUMpad system is really nice. ? = ALT+0151 ? = ALT+0150 (which is what I used most frequently) This message brought to you by the letter "æ" (aka ALT+0230). Fiddle around with this thing. It's really cool. [QUOTE][I][FONT="Arial"]Once more[strike][B](,)[/B][/strike] the paradoxical sensations over took it,....[/FONT][/I][/QUOTE] Bad comma. Go away. :p [QUOTE][I][FONT="Arial"]At first [B]it could only recall [strike]were only[/strike][/B] unspecific perceptions....[/FONT][/I][/QUOTE] Yeah. :p [QUOTE][I][FONT="Arial"]These thoughts and these recollections served to slowly change the creature?s disposition towards the phenomenon [B]from repulsed to totally captivated by[/B] its [U]strange[/U] inflections and the [U]strange[/U] stirrings and longings they inspired in the spirit?s confused mind. It sought now the [U]strange[/U] [U]feelings[/U], the source of its memories of its past life, at first with uncertain [U]feelings[/U] towards the nature of the sound, but growing steadily more confident that these sensations were the answer to its unspoken pleas to restoration[/FONT][/I][/QUOTE]. Yee-haw. Let's dig in. First: might I suggest [I]"...from repulsion to total captivation to...."[/I] Admittedly, I still don't like how that feels, but I think the noun works better than the verb there. Second: does it seem that you might want some more synonyms for the underlined words? I got called on redundancy once, too, so I know how that goes. Also, you use "strange" again in the first line of the next paragraph; I'd toy with word placement for a while to see if you need to change that one, too. [QUOTE][I][FONT="Arial"]It did not seem to come from all around [COLOR=Red]?[/COLOR] indeed, the creature had the impression it was from a very specific source.[/FONT][/I][/QUOTE] Seems to flow better. [QUOTE][I][FONT="Arial"]Until now it had always shambled to the firmamental vacuum whose silent imperative [COLOR="Red"]?[/COLOR] Cease! [COLOR="Red"]?[/COLOR] had been enough to override all lesser thoughts.[/FONT][/I][/QUOTE] Same thing. Also, what about italics and quotes there? Would they work, or just bother you? [QUOTE][I][FONT="Arial"]Before, it had vainly thought to find a way backwards by moving in the only direction it understood[COLOR=Red][B]:[/B][/COLOR] forwards.[/FONT][/I][/QUOTE] Colon. :p [QUOTE][I][FONT="Arial"]...and defying what must have a millennia spent on the one-way road which saw only the ink-stained section of the sky and heard only the psiren-call of a promised nothingness,....[/FONT][/I][/QUOTE] This feels awkward. I'm not really sure where you were going with this thought; I get the general idea, but it's a little vague. All I can think of to clear things up is this: [indent][I]"...and defying what must have [COLOR=Red]been[/COLOR] a millennia spent on the one-way road...."[/I][/indent] Other than that, I'm confused. Also, did you mean to write "psiren" that way? If so, what are you referring to? (Honestly. I'm curious.) [QUOTE][I][FONT="Arial"]Quickly, it turned away, avoiding the light that cut through it, revealed its fleshlessness and worthlessness[B][COLOR=Red].[/COLOR][/B] To the thing that was merely a silhouette[B][COLOR="Red"],[/COLOR][/B] if a by-gone person, the light was a [COLOR="Red"]hateful[/COLOR] and abhorrent thing.[/FONT][/I][/QUOTE] [QUOTE][I][FONT="Arial"]For a second time, it began to lose hope as it thought anew on the [COLOR="Red"]unattainability[/COLOR] of its goal. Its heart [COLOR="Red"]?[/COLOR] that is to say, the part within it that sought to come into being [COLOR="Red"]?[/COLOR] sunk into wretched depths of despondency,....[/FONT][/I][/QUOTE] [QUOTE][I][FONT="Arial"]It called the creature which was once from mankind, promising a void so absolute[B][strike](,)[/strike][/B] it could only be total annihilation, the ultimate death.[/FONT][/I][/QUOTE] Technicalities. [QUOTE][I][FONT="Arial"]Perhaps it was that strange noise behind it that called, or perhaps it was the very memory of Self and selfness[COLOR="Red"][B];[/B][/COLOR] but whichever it might be, it was sufficient [COLOR="Red"]to[/COLOR] halt it from its descent [COLOR="Red"]?[/COLOR] for surely that pit in the sky could be said to have a pull synonymous with gravity.[/FONT][/I][/QUOTE] Like that, and drop the parentheses. Also, don't put periods inside of parentheses if the thought inside is a footnote/aside attached to the preceding/surrounding thought. [QUOTE][I][FONT="Arial"]A [B]deep felt[/B], sick feeling, echoed [B]deep[/B] inside its half-being, and the creature, confused, examined it. Its mind [COLOR="Red"]?[/COLOR] hazed, stuck somewhere between light and dark [COLOR="Red"]?[/COLOR] could not comprehend the hole, the shriek, the sounds, or the light behind it[COLOR="Red"];[/COLOR] but as it struggled to grasp what it could, it seemed that its prior outburst had echoed back to it, somewhere inside itself.[/FONT][/I][/QUOTE] Deep deep. :p If you keep the first one, use a hyphen: "deep-felt". If you don't, it doesn't really matter. I don't like that last comma there, but it's kind of functional as is. Your call. [QUOTE][I][FONT="Arial"]An anxious nausea built up inside the heart of the miserable shadow, [B]and it seemed now that the noise had entirely possessed it, held the once-man up and kept it from falling even as it used up the last resources it possessed.[/B][/FONT][/I][/QUOTE] Urg. Try this: [indent][I]"...and it seemed now that the noise had entirely possessed it, [COLOR=Red]holding[/COLOR] the once-man up and [COLOR="Red"]keeping[/COLOR] it from falling, even as it used up the last resources it possessed."[/I][/indent] Also, you're getting redundant again. :p (possessed) [QUOTE][I][FONT=Arial]At the ultimate tension, just as it was sure its form would truly be rent asunder, [B]another noise one that seemed to originate within the echo that had exceeded its source in volume[/B]. As the creature listened (indeed it could not ignore this anymore than a rock thrown into the air can ignore coming back down)[B][COLOR=Red],[/COLOR][/B] it seemed....[/FONT][/I][/QUOTE] How about this: [indent][I]"...another noise, one that seemed to originate within the echo, had exceeded its source in volume."[/I][/indent] It's a little clearer than you had, I think. Also, you put your comma in the wrong place. The parenthetical appositive ? well, that's what it [I]is[/I] ? is attached to the preceding thought, not the one following. This next one is a style thingummy. [QUOTE][I][FONT="Arial"]And then, finally[B][COLOR="Red"],[/COLOR][/B] it grasped the message it was meant to hear: ?LIVE!? and with that outcry[B][COLOR="Red"],[/COLOR][/B] it seemed the veil that had covered the creature?s thoughts was finally lifted.[/FONT][/I][/QUOTE] First, add those commas, neh? All right. I like the effect you want here. Unfortunately, the way you constructed it feels kind of clanky. [I]My[/I] version would have looked like this: [indent][I]"...it grasped the message it was meant to hear? "LIVE!" ?and with that outcry,...."[/I][/indent] ...but that's me. Play with this until it looks perfect to you. Another style issue: [QUOTE][I][FONT="Arial"][U]To its astonishment,[/U] it realized the replying cry had been own, and the shriek to live, to become, was no less or more than its own desperate desire. [U]With sudden clarity,[/U] the shadow-thing truly saw where it was. [U]Startled,[/U] it viewed the miserable creatures who barely seemed to be. [U]With a vaguely desperate curiosity,[/U] it sought to ask these creatures of themselves, perhaps to gain some insight into its own wretched situation, but to no avail.[/FONT][/I][/QUOTE] Normally I wouldn't mind so much about things like this, but these sentences just jumped out at me. You started four sentences in a row in the [I][U]exact[/U][/I] [I][U]same[/U][/I] [I][U]way[/U][/I]. Now, on their own they sound fine. It's only when you string them together that they start to feel funkeh, and all. Try switching some things up and see what happens. [QUOTE][I][FONT="Arial"]The pain [COLOR="Red"]was[/COLOR] nearly unendurably excruciating, a thousand fold worse than the first glance, [B]and yet this time it was not repulsed, but in fact the opposite, it still wanted to proceed.[/B][/FONT][/I][/QUOTE] Umm. What about: [indent][I]"..and yet this time it was not repulsed; to the contrary, it still wanted to proceed."[/I][/indent] Does that make sense? I don't think it carries the same feel as what you wanted, but I'm sure you can come up with something better. :animesmil [QUOTE][I][FONT="Arial"]With each [COLOR="Red"]footfall[/COLOR] (could it be? Certainly it noticed its passing become louder and louder, and it fancied that theses steps, these sounds coming from it, were reasons to be inexpressibly joyful) the light became more bearable,....[/FONT][/I][/QUOTE] Remember when I said stuff about punctuation and parentheses earlier? This one is fine. It works ? and I like it, but that's beside the point ? so don't feel like you need to alter this one. [QUOTE][I][FONT="Arial"]Seeing this caused the creature to redouble its efforts, though it knew not why, so that it traveled faster than it ever had thought it might have (and knew somehow)[COLOR="Red"][B],[/B][/COLOR]....[/FONT][/I][/QUOTE] You put your comma in the wrong spot again. :p [QUOTE][I][FONT="Arial"]With that, Timothy Carlson burst through to the other side of the light[B][COLOR="Red"].[/COLOR][/B][/FONT][/I][/QUOTE] I think that one was just a copy-paste error, but just in case.... [center]--------------------[/center] I thought [U]Spectre[/U] was great. I deal a lot with the mind in what I write, so I connected easily to your story; besides, it's a great short about the rediscovery of life. Kind of a Poe-ish feel to it, but without the morbidness. The imagery was well-written. I could see everything you tried to show me ? well, almost, but I already covered that. :p On my second read, I actually got into the shadow-Carlson's head, which made me rather happy. It felt real, too; especially Carlson's initial flight from the noise of the Light. I like it. A few bugs here and there, but I really like it. Good job.[/FONT]

[quote name='Aaryanna'][COLOR="goldenrod"]Another one of my favorites is [B]The forgotten Door[/B] by Alexander Key.[/COLOR][/QUOTE] [FONT=Arial]:wigout: [I]Oh my gosh, I have that book too!! *cough*[/I] Wow. And here I thought that that was just another fell-between-the-cracks book that no one else knew about. This is cool. I don't recall having a single favorite, [I]per sé[/I]. I did enjoy just perusing the available selections in the library, though, and I think I'd read almost all of those adolescent mystery-solving deals. You know, The Bobbsey Twins, The Hardy Boys.... >_>

[quote name='James'][color=#606060]The fact that you can be the biggest jerk under the sun and still be allowed to return if you behave yourself is probably testament to the fact that the site is a lot more open than it may first appear.[/color][/QUOTE] [FONT=Arial]Well, he did [I]kind of[/I] write decently, by which I mean it wasn't blatant outright n00bspam. (Pardon the expression.) I think it's time we moved on, though. I mean, yippee-skippee that he's gone, and all, but at the same time, we're derailing this thread rather badly, don'tcha think? He'd be quite proud, in my opinion. Time to let sleeping dogs die. OtakuBoards for me is a haven of sanity; someplace to listen to other people who actually use their heads ... whether they think they do or not. :p (I swear, the biggest jerks sometimes aren't the stupid people who think they're smart, but the smart ones who think they're stupid. Talk about shooting yourself in the foot, no?) I generally hang around in the Square or the Anthology, though, Language Artist that I am. :p I love seeing how stories develop, and also being (or trying to, anyway) a part of the process. I keep telling myself that I'll get around to reading [COLOR=Blue]Silver One[/COLOR] one of these days.... I think this has been mentioned before by someone else, but I find it sad that the only threads in the Anthology that get feedback are generally the site fanfics by strong writers, while the stuff by aspiring authors goes generally ignored. They're the ones that need the criticism the most, and like as not they just fly right under the radar, for whatever reason. Just saying.[/FONT]

[quote name='indifference'][COLOR="Indigo"][IMG]http://img530.imageshack.us/img530/9127/annoynv5.jpg[/IMG] [/COLOR][/QUOTE] [FONT=Arial]Winner ... the Pooh.[/FONT]