Allamorph

I'm going to forego my typical M.O. of editorial comments at the moment, though there are several places that need mentioning in that regard. The most I'll say at present is watch your tenses and your spelling. There are a lot of little words that Word didn't pick up as misspelled because they're not actually spelled wrong. They're just the wrong word. And in the first section, there, you switched from past to present tense one paragraph in, and then back again for the last paragraph before the switch. Those are all things that need mentioning, but they're also things that you need to be looking for yourself. The reason they call it the first draft is because once you finishe it initially, you still have the whole story fresh in your head and you know almost by memory how it should go, which can keep you from seeing little errors. You've had some time away from the piece, so now is a good time to go back and read it again, word for word, and noticed the slips you made and didn't immediately catch. What I feel does need mentioning is a larger, much more serious issue. I want to talk about knowing your subject matter. For this . . . I'm hesitant to call it an excerpt, it feels more like a piece written for some writing contest about not doing drugs . . . for this piece, you chose the drug fentanyl as the party drug of choice. However, I'm not certain you really know what fentanyl does, or how it's used recreationally. Fentanyl, as you indicated, is related to heroin. But you also indicated it was heroin, and this is not true. It's related to heroin because it is an opium derivative, and heroin is a derivative of morphine, which is the active ingredient in opium. But they are not the same. This means that the methods for recreational abuse are likely not the same, either. With a bit of research, I have found that while both drugs are more potent than morphine itself, heroin is only about one and a half times as potent, while fentanyl is one hundred times more potent. Fentanyl is not typically injected recreationally, as opposed to heroin; in fact, a dose of fentanyl would likely barely register on a typical syringe, making it hard to tell when a dose was large or not. Instead, it is typically obtained in gel packs, which are then cut into pieces and consumed that way. Additionally, neither heroin nor fentanyl are hallucinogenic drugs. They are narcotics, and while they still give a pronounced rush and then a euphoria (during which the user typically nods into a half-conscious state), narcotics are more about feelings than visual sensations. I could go on about methods used to procure and distribute them (heroin can be laced with fentanyl from time to time, to increase the volume of the sell), as well as point out differences in overdose symptoms for hallucinogens and narcotics, but I feel you need to do the research yourself so you can adequately prepare yourself for your writing. Writing anything without knowing the material is a poor decision. I recently wrote a piece of fiction which involved a character using a longsword, and I was forced to spend many hours studying German Longsword forms and stances and combat so that I could accurately portray how he fought. The longsword is a semi-two-handed sword, and treating it like one would treat a rapier or a scimitar is foolhardy. From what you wrote, I do not get the impression that you completely understand the drug that caused the situation central to the story, and while the story itself may be fine (to that end I have yet no comment), you must remain convincing in all your story, and not just leave certain details to be incidental. If you do, you risk ruining your believability as an author, for if you can't be accurate in the little things, how can we trust you to be lifelike in the larger events? I will leave you with that for now. If you want, I will look at your story structurally and stylistically later.

[FONT=Arial]That depends. I love a whole lot of people and I get told I'm antisocial and afraid of relationships. Go figure.[/FONT]

[FONT=Arial]That's because you're family. =P I love reasons.[/FONT]

[quote name='chibi-master]I put spolier tags there so smart-mouths like you wouldn't whine, but I knew [B]you[/B'] would. You always do. It was your own choice to read the tags, so stop b*tching about it, jerk.[/quote] [FONT=Arial]Actually I knew what you were talking about without even highlighting the spoilers. It was fairly obvious from the wording and your past mannerisms. :animesmil[/FONT]

[FONT=Arial]And here I always thought flavored water was the one that was poorly flavored. Like drinking out of a bottle you forgot to rinse out beforehand. Ugh. Except for strawberry water. That one always tastes like water and strawberry [I]leaves[/I]. Which is worse.[/FONT]

[FONT=Arial]You mean you won't even drink a Gatorade or a fruit punch sort of thing? What a weirdo. :p[/FONT]

[FONT=Arial]Every day I curse whoever designed those shoes in the second photograph for being stupid enough to design those shoes in the second photograph. Also I would like to permanently ban the sale of black eye-liner to anyone but actors until women start figuring out that makeup applied generously makes them look less like people and more like props. Hopefully that would also eliminate the Egyptian curl as well. Guys can wear it all they want, since they're free to look like posing morons all they want as well and the two kind of go hand in hand.[/FONT]

[FONT=Arial]Once you log in to MyOtaku, you should see a message that says "your profile has not been activated" or something along those lines. (I can't remember, what since I activated mine a few months ago and didn't think I'd need a screenshot.) To fix this, follow the link given there and you should then be able to edit your MyOtaku as you see fit. However, TheOtaku no longer fully supports MyOtaku. Except for members who had joined before the version shift, which occurred about a year ago, the option for using that system no longer exists. Instead, TheO has a Worlds system that can be used for personal blogging, group endeavors, community bulletin boards, or places to submit written works. While the layout isn't completely customisable, it's still rather a good alternative; better, some people might say.[/FONT]

[FONT=Arial]Regardless, [COLOR="DarkRed"]Nerdsy[/COLOR], you're still a wombat.[/FONT]

[FONT=Arial]I'm going to be straightforward with you, [COLOR="DarkRed"]Shogun[/COLOR], and I want to make sure you understand that I'm not attempting to discourage you or disparage your efforts. You have a lot of work to do. Your concept has merit and can probably function quite well if time and patience and effort are spent on it, but concepts alone don't make good fiction. I'm going to take a look at your introduction real quick, and then we'll talk more specifically afterwards. [QUOTE][I]In a world where nobody [B][COLOR="Red"]believes[/COLOR][/B] in wonders, where nobody [COLOR="Red"][B]believe[/B][/COLOR] in magic, where all think that to [B][strike]get something[/strike] obtain[/B] [B][strike]you[/strike] they[/B] have to sacrifice [B][strike]something[/strike][/B], where [COLOR="Red"][B]everyone[/B][/COLOR] [COLOR="Red"][B]asks[/B][/COLOR] themselves why [strike]all the[/strike] bad things happen to them, in a world where all is [COLOR="Red"][B]divided[/B][/COLOR] into [B][strike]bad and[/strike][/B] good [B]and evil[/B] and where [COLOR="Red"][B]everyone[/B][/COLOR] [B]has[/B] [COLOR="Red"][B]forgotten[/B][/COLOR] [B][strike]what is[/strike][/B] the soul [COLOR="Red"][B]exists [/B][/COLOR]an organization called "Sinergy". Their [B][strike]main goal[/strike] objective[/B] is to keep the world's balance [B][strike]by any means[/strike][/B]. They [COLOR="Red"][B]cannot[/B][/COLOR] create [B][strike]something new[/strike][/B], ....[/I][/QUOTE] Right here is a mother load of small errors that really shouldn't happen. You might ask "why bother pointing them out if they're that small?", but all I have to do is point up at that part of your intro to show you how the little things add up and drag your work down. If artists didn't concern themselves with the tiniest details of their work, no one would care about who painted the roof of the Sistine Chapel. "Where's Waldo" would never have been invented. The trick is never to be satisfied with your work, to always be looking for something to improve, something to make better, if only slightly. Ernest Hemingway rewrote the final page of [I][U]The Old Man and the Sea[/U][/I] fifteen times, by his own admission, because he just couldn't get it right and almost wasn't good enough for him. For the rest of the introduction, I think I know where you're trying to go, but you're not communicating your intent clearly. 'They (Sinergy) can't create, only use what is already there' is clear enough. But 'they are not owners but not even victims' is really unclear, and I have no idea what you meant by it. Then 'they are just guests in this world, like all other persons' . . . did you mean that they are merely human? I think the attempt at a metaphor there is a stretch you don't need to concern yourself with just at the moment. As far as the rest of the section goes . . . you called it "ideas", so I'm going to assume it's really just notes. It would make a lot more sense if it were notes. If it's not notes, then you have a [I]lot[/I] of work to do. Your dialogue is rigid and strained, and you have barely any motion going with it. Reading it feels more like reading a script instead of a story. And your speech tags are archaic-sounding: use "he said" instead of "said he", and you can write both "answered the woman" and "the woman answered" and still be correct. There is almost no description taking place, either. In the first part of the selection, you have an exchange between a man and a woman, neither of whom you identify. Later we find out that the man is Sog, but we go the entire selection without knowing anything about what he looks like, what he does, anything. The woman appears to be a librarian, but that is a justified inference; all you told the reader was that she was "a nice woman sitting in front of a computer". Granted, you won't need to describe her if she won't factor into the story again, or you can have the character describe her as he sees her, which would showcase his possible perceptiveness while not attributing any significant importance to her, but you [I]must[/I] go into detail about this Sog person. What action there is is clunky and forced. For example: [LIST] [*][B]"Hopeless, the young man turned around and pointed to the exit"[/B] is just silly. Does he raise his arm and point? Or is he [I]starting[/I] towards the exit, which indicates the initiation of motion but no actual motion, since you wanted Sog to stay and see the third book appear. [*][B]"Sog went closer to the shelf and rised to tips to take the black book." [/B]Here you trip over yourself. Would be cleaner to say he approached the shelf and stood on tiptoe, since you didn't even indicate what tips he was "rising" to. [*][B]"Sog surfed in hurry the book to find some sign...."[/B] This is just bad syntax. You can say he surfed in [B]a[/B] hurry or you can say he surfed [B]the pages of[/B] the book, but if you say both you need to put the book before the hurry. "some sign" is really vague and feels like an attempt to allude to an idea you haven't fully thought out yet. [*][B]"Powerless to do something, Sog just decided to take the book...."[/B] Powerless? I'm not sure this is quite what you mean here. Perhaps "at a loss" might work better for you, since Sog is clearly still capable of performing actions. [*][B]"He took the phone and did the number of Shad...."[/B] Dialed the number. [*][B]"Suddenly the music stopped but he was so deep in his mind that he didn't notice."[/B] Very clunky. "Suddenly" indicates you want to snatch the reader's attention, but then you waste it when Sog does nothing. Since the music is immediately important to the action of the story, you should probably draw attention to it about as fast as Sog notices, or else indicate that his attention is distracted enough that he doesn't notice anything [I]before[/I] you say the music stops. [/LIST] These, among other instances, make me question whether English is your first language. If it isn't, then I understand to some degree why your fiction feels as awkward as it does. In either case, though, I suggest you read a lot of English fiction so you can see and get a feel for how authors shape and direct their stories. And I encourage you to keep trying. Just because you're not good now doesn't mean you can't be further down the road. It [I]will[/I] take time, patience, and work, but it can happen if you want it to. And before I forget, next time you decide to use artwork in your submissions, please give credit to the artist. I recognise half of your images from deviantArt, and I doubt you have permission to use them.[/FONT]

[FONT=Arial]Narcoleptic Chao are adorably hilarious. The one in question has a purple mohawk, so I named her after [COLOR="DarkRed"]Vicky[/COLOR].[/FONT]

[quote name='Knuckles' Girl][COLOR="Navy"][FONT="Comic Sans MS"]Why do you have $100 pair of shoes in the first place?[/FONT'][/COLOR][/quote] [FONT=Arial]My preferred pair of boots is $100, and they last me a fracking long time. The one's I've seen in Dollar Tree are . . . not quite as durable, I've found. And I don't like repeated shopping for things. Although my boots would have withstood a bit of vomit. [I]*smug*[/I][/FONT]

[QUOTE]"To take away someone's right to choose possibly the healthiest option in a shop fridge or a vending machine we think doesn't embrace common sense," [Geoff Parker] said.[/QUOTE] [FONT="Arial"]Then again, you can do the same thing by buying a reusable bottle, like a sports bottle or thermos, and filling it with water from your own tap. Or several sports bottles, if that's what you need. [COLOR="DarkRed"]Drizzt[/COLOR], you need to ease back, man. The fact that you're being highly defensive over an innocuous topic, and really one particular phrase by one person, especially while you demonstrate a profound ignorance of city government as far as numbers and office and personnel are concerned, is really doing you no good at all. City governments encompass more than just the mayor's office. You also have to factor in the board of aldermen, the school board, the commissioning board, the various utility departments, sometimes the school systems, and probably one or two other offices I'm forgetting to mention. I really don't want to rag on you, man. But you're lashing out at a guy without even listening to him [I]or[/I] yourself, and it's obvious to the rest of us you don't quite have all the info. Take a breather and let a few days go without posting in this thread, see if you can calm down a bit, eh? (^_^)[/FONT]

[FONT=Arial]I should be getting into this pending inbound funds (which will happen soon, actually) and a return to campus. Looked at it a bit myself, and another person was kind (or silly) enough to film a quick overview, and I have to say I like the simpler approach as far as skills/inventory. Plus the no-subscription-fee thing is a major draw. Probably start out with Prophecies, since it seems most people have that one, which'll make partying easier.[/FONT]

[QUOTE=Miss Anonymous]And in case any of you [i]haven't[/i] heard this song, for whatever reason, here's a convenient link for ya: [b][url=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rY0WxgSXdEE]Another One Bites the Dust[/url][/b] EDIT: The YouTube tags hate me. =n=[/QUOTE] [FONT=Arial]They're a tad confusing, I agree. You actually need two things for them: information in the url, and whatever you want for the title. For a url like [url]www.youtube.com/watch?v=rY0WxgSXdEE[/url], you should format like this: [noparse][YOUTUBE="Title Junk"]rY0WxgSXdEE[/YOUTUBE][/noparse] String of letters is what comes after the = in the address, and the title is actually what the pop-up box is asking you for; you put the video code between the tags yourself.[/FONT]

[QUOTE=Indi][FONT="Arial"][COLOR="Indigo"]And here I'm rather fond of being part of the Dessy FanClub and tormenting the EVIL CEO of Wally World (also known as Gavin) on the side. Much more amusing than sitting on the outside. :3 Does it matter? Not really. I do it because it's entertaining. Why else? [/COLOR][/FONT][/QUOTE] [FONT=Arial] lol troll'd =)[/FONT]

[FONT=Arial]I think I'll opt for why in the world does it matter.[/FONT]

[FONT=Arial]I am missing my headphones again. If the dog ate them, too, I will kill him. ...proverbially. > >[/FONT]

[quote name='chibi-master']In case you guys forgot what I look like...[/quote] [FONT=Arial]You wear that sweater well.[/FONT]

[quote name='chibi-master']...Was summer vacation always so boring?! I mean, I don't miss school work and whatnot, but still! I guess it's because I miss not being able to see my best friend every day. It seems like school just sort of gave me a purpose for waking up in the mornings...now I wake up in the afternoon! And the only reason I know what day it is is because of karate![/quote] [quote name='Miss Anonymous']Like, I dunno, I feel I just don't have a purpose in my life right now that's worth getting up early enough for. All I do is watch anime or YouTube vids, play video games, and chat with peeps on theOtaku. The only reason I know the days of the week is because of Animal Crossing and my weekly Iaido class.[/quote] [FONT=Arial]It's probably because humans feel best when they're busy. Like work or don't like work, everyone has something to look forward to with it.[/FONT]

[FONT=Arial]Upon reading the headline I immediately envisioned this woman who breast-fed a guy who had staggered in from a bar, completely smashed. This is why leaving out those little tiny words called "articles" is bad sometimes. "breast-feeding [while] drunk" and "breast-feeding [a] drunk" are too close together.[/FONT]

[quote name='Botar][COLOR="DarkGreen"']I'm talking about a profession that would be a good job, not a pain-as-day-statment. I got fired from my manager job at Bob Evans about a month ago, i've been living with my girl for a wile now and I need a job, not a smart-alik remark.[/COLOR][/quote] [FONT=Arial]Try being receptive. It helps when people give you advice. It also makes people actually want to give you advice in the future. I was going to offer a few ideas, but now I see your attitude all I'll say is rotsa ruck.[/FONT]

[quote name='Lunox][font=trebuchet ms']Not beautiful or pretty, just...idk, hot.[/font][/quote] [FONT=Arial]That's what the better hookers usually have going for them. I also think that was the major sticking point in her casting. Stick her in a tanning bed for a few hours a day, oil her up before each shoot, and all the guys in the audience automatically forget anything else besides her and all the unidentifiable action scenes going on. I liked the first movie well enough, but I remember feeling that the "token hot girlfriend" card was played too quickly and too easily, and that's what made me decide not to watch the second movie.[/FONT]

[quote name='Rachmaninoff']QFT[/quote] [FONT=Arial]For some reason, I always read this as "Quite F***ing True"....[/FONT]

[FONT="Arial"]Like I said.[/FONT]