Sandy

[color=DarkGreen]Hey, dragoonreaper! I hate to go through this with you [I]again[/I], but you can't post a thread without a [B]rating[/B] in this place. You also need a lot of work with your grammar and writing style. Most importantly, you need [B]players[/B] before you can start a RPG. Your recruitment thread has [I]no[/I] replies, and there are no such thing as one man roleplaying games in this place. If you're looking for just writing the story by yourself, you need to post to the [B]OB Anthology[/B]. Seriously, though, I feel I've guided you and warned you enough times in the past already, you should know these things by now. I have no choice but to issue you a ban warning. If you don't start following the rules of this place, you [I]will[/I] be banned. I sincerely hope I get my point across this time... - Sandy *thread closed*[/color]

[color=RoyalBlue]Snowcat watched as Sai walked out of the meeting room, followed soon by Luyii. It seemed that their relationship was at least somewhat accepted by Boss Fai. It would mean that none other than the War Dragon would follow the Tiger General as the head of the Eternal Repose, when the time came. Unless someone would challenge the boss, like Mr. Wang had been challenged by Shek Lu. Snowcat's thoughts were interrupted when the White Prince turned the attention to him. [B]"I assigned Snowcat to investigate the matter of Dragon's Tongue. He will tell what he has gathered now."[/B] The White Prince nodded at him, flashing a malevolent grin. Shek Lu was well aware that the investigation hadn't gone as expected. Snowcat stood up, and straightened the long whitescarf around his neck. His outfit really stood up from the black suits of the other attenders. His jacket and pants were pure white, and his shirt was dark blue. Silver glimmered in his earrings, necklace, belt buckle and rings. He was dressed like a true pimp. [B]"Boss Lu, Boss Fai, gentlemen, ladies"[/B], Snowcat nodded. Then he told the basic flow of events from the meeting with the Scarlet Mistress to the trails leading to the War Dragon's Fight Club. He left out the deaths of Woodpecker and Detective Allen on purpose. When he got to the part where he told about his conversation with Mr. Kwan, Sai and Luyii re-entered the room. [B]"It seemed that Mr. Kwan was aware of the participation of Infinite Longevity in the dealing of the drug, but the War Dragon himself was uninformed about this. As it looks like, the Fight Club is the main place of pushing Dragon's Tongue. My girls who hook up clients around that place are in peril, and I have to say this as a member of the Jade Court, unless something is done about it, I will have to take my business elsewhere."[/B] Snowcat looked at Sai, avoiding the murderous stare of the White Prince. He knew he had been insolent and had stepped on White Prince's toes, but that bastard deserved it. [B]"I assure you, Mr. Wu, that won't be necessary"[/B], Sai replied. [B]"Together our Brotherhoods can oppose Boss Kai Fen and the Infinite Longevity. What say you, Boss Fai?"[/B] The Tiger General remained silent. This issue seemed to trouble him a lot.[/color]

[quote name='PWNED']I personally would have preferred it if Final Fantasy 6 or 5 have gotten a 3-D makeover. I kind of preferred them over 4.[/quote] Don't let your hopes down, since it's very much possible that those two will get a similar remake as well. S-E sure loves them remakes... *rolls eyes* I am kind of indifferent about FF IV's latest appearance. I played through the Gameboy Advance version, and started it again, but couldn't be bothered to go further than the first cave. After FF XII, the continuous random battles and tapping one and the same button over and over again like a retard just don't cut it for me. I also don't have the nostalgy over the story and the characters that Des, for example, has. To me they are just a bag of clichés and cheesy punchlines. There's just not enough substance in either the plot or the cast for me. I'm mildly hyped by [B]Dissidia: Final Fantasy[/B], though. It's rumored to be a fighting game with characters throughout the series, but more info about that (as well as the remake of FF IV and the international version of FF XII) will be revealed at the Square-Enix Party this weekend. These sure are good times for a FF-fanboy... ;D

[quote name='Deathsye']No problem. I plan on re launching soon anyway.[/quote] [COLOR=DarkGreen]Before you rush to relaunch, though, you have to do something about the quality of the game. I had to give [I]two[/I] warnings about poor posting (both their grammar and their contents were mostly poor), and I and the other mods won't do it again for a similar game. So pay close attention on who you're going to invite to your game the next time, you have every right to deny access from people who you know are poor writers, god-modders etc. That's all, thanks! - Sandy[/COLOR]

[quote name='indifference][COLOR=DarkRed']I take it that Eflair was your character then? Since you say you were so close Sandy? [/COLOR][/quote] Yeah. My other two characters got killed quite early, so I had to really strategize carefully with her. I'm so glad Aaryanna_Mom killed off Lara right of the bat, since I knew Eflair would have good chances of survival as the sole woman of the group - especially after I wiped out Deoky (which must've been DigitalBoy's character). But it'll be interesting to see which character belonged to who, and what methods Rach used to determine the flow of the game. All that coming up when he posts! ;D

Damn! It was so close! :'( But I thank you, Aaryanna, for at least making Eflair's death a noble one. I tried to protect her for the whole game, keep her aside while pushing other people to the limelight and to the brink of death. What little I wrote about her, I tried to make her seem weak butsympathetic. And up until now, it worked! From my gatherings, Davis Henderson belonged to [B]Aaryanna_Mom[/B]. Let's see if I was right. ;D

I'm sorry, I guess it's my turn to post, but I really don't know what you mean by "tensions between Boss Kai Fen and the others". Should I just make up the reasons why the other two brotherhoods have a feud with the Infinite Longevity? I mean, besides them distributing the drug at the Fight Club (which was already said in BKstyles's post). Hmm, troublesome.... :/

Ha, I'm so glad I got to do it, to "end Deoky's reign of terror"! And by his own son's hands as well! >;D What happens to the boy now, I don't really care. He is fair game now for anyone to use, abuse or overuse. ;P My character's chance of survival improved a whole lot now. ;D

The baby knew that something was wrong. It started to cry in panic, but when no-one answered it's call, it decided that it was time to grow up already. With an immense focus of power, the infant wrapped into a shirt grew into a dashing young man, with golden hair of his mother, and narrow gleaming eyes of his father. It stood bare naked like he was born, looking down at the body of her mother. [I]I thank you for the one gift you gave me, Mother[/I], he thought. [I]The hatred towards my Father. I shall cleanse this place of his evil.[/I] The nameless youngster left the corpse and headed towards his father. He could clearly sense his evil, like he could sense the four other beings in this place. He could smell the reek of cruelty, taste the foulness of avarice, see the darkness of his father's soul. Deoky Shilos did not see it coming. He was not aware that he had a son, so to see a mirror of himself standing in front of him all of a sudden took him by surprise. He couldn't act before his son thrusted both hands through Deoky's chest, clutching his two black hearts and ripping them out with inhumane strenght. For a moment Deoky watched in horror as his younger self held his two bleeding, sizzling hot hearts before him. Then his reign of terror was over. [CENTER][img]http://img223.imageshack.us/img223/7128/deathcardzp0.jpg[/img][img]http://img464.imageshack.us/img464/7266/16gd3.jpg[/img][/CENTER]

Did you know that there is currently 35,598,981 different pieces of art in deviantArt alone, for example. Now you can only imagine the amount of art floating around the [I]whole[/I] internet, and realize that unless you have any other information about the maker of that picture, you're looking for a pin in the haystack (although you'd have better chances to find [I]that[/I] than the artist). Luckily there are certain advantages in internet that a haystack doesn't provide, for example Google Image Search. Just type in "InuYasha fan art" and hope for the best. You'll only have to look through 6890 images to see if any of them match with that. ;P It'd be interesting to know what're you planning to do with the name about the artist, as well?

[quote name='indifference][COLOR=DarkRed]But still... [I] Pregnant[/I']? *dies laughing*[/COLOR][/quote] Oh, and at the rate her stomach is growing, she'll go to labor like tomorrow. ;P Beware of the freaky alien babies!

[quote][COLOR=RoyalBlue] Lara couldn't believe her eyes. She was pregnant![/COLOR][/quote] Now there's a plot twist for you. ;P The question remains: who is the father? Deoky Shilos, Alden Courtney, or... [I]the Maze[/I]? *gasp*

[COLOR=RoyalBlue]Lara Servas could hardly believe what Eflair had told her. She had been used by both Alden - a man he once trusted - and Deoky - a monster completely lacking emotion and empathy. She was so disheartened she thought she couldn't move on. But Eflair was there. [B]"Lara, this corridor will turn into a trap any second!"[/B] Eflair ushered her. [B]"We have to move on! Maybe... just maybe [I]both[/I] of us can get out of here."[/B] It was Eflair, a young girl from a faraway world unknown to Lara, that pushed her forward, made her move through these seemingly endless corridors and rooms and halls, dodging traps and pitfalls and whatever the cruel ruler of this place threw in front of them. She looked weak, but Eflair must've been the strongest person in the group. Eventually the two of them found a desolate place under a staircase where they decided to rest. Lara's dream was restless. She saw Deoky and Alden, melded into one, abusing her with a dozen serpent-like penises growing from his loins, curling all around her, seizing her arms and legs, filling her every whole. She felt like she was choking... She woke up suddenly, all sweaty and heaving. Then she let out a scream that woke up Eflair. [B]"What is it?"[/B] Eflair asked, quickly looking around for any dangers. Then she saw Lara, with her stomach twice the size it was when they went to sleep. Lara couldn't believe her eyes. She was pregnant! [/COLOR]

[color=DarkGreen]I hate to spoil your fun, but this is the second time I have to notify you guys about the poor quality of this thread. Here's an insert from the [url=http://www.otakuboards.com/showthread.php?t=44317][B]Adventure Square Basics[/B][/url], which all of you [I]should[/I] be familiar with. [quote][B]Some Basic Rules[/B] 1. Post length and quality should be reflective of the collaborative storytelling that is going on in this forum. Though there is no set length requirement, anything less than a couple decent paragraphs (decent meaning more than four sentences) will be considered spam. If you don't think you have time at the moment to write something that justifies a full post, do remember that you can wait until you do have time. There is no reason to write three lines and end with, "Sorry so short ... I have to go"; simply wait instead. 2. Proper grammar and spelling rules should be followed as much as possible. Please use punctuation and split your text into paragraphs. If your posts are considered unreadable because of poor spelling or punctuation, you can expect a PM from a moderator.[/quote] This game, as it is now, does not meet these requirements, at least not for every player. This is your chance to improve this game. There won't be a third warning. - Sandy[/color]

I hope people aren't holding back their switch cards for too long, since unless the characters divide into a wider area, this is going to get repetitive pretty fast (Deoky attacking the others constantly but is unable to kill them).

[COLOR=Navy]Clavis had to really concentrate on Davis. The damage that Deoky had done to the man was almost beyond his repair. Fortunately only almost... Clavis knew he could do it if he just focused. He fell deeper and deeper into his trance, trusting the others to guard him from Deoky, who could attack them at any moment. But that was unimportant to him now. His mind melted into Davis's. Everything felt so simple. If only he could find his mommy... There! He found the damaged neural circuit, and one by one he started to repair the synopses and braincells. He felt Davis's thoughts and memories returning to him, slowly but surely. He was amazed of what the man had experienced, after all his world was so different from Clavis's. Out of a sudden everything changed. He was not in Davis's mind anymore! This one was more darker, more mature, more corrupt. It couldn't be... He heard distant screams of agony and pain, and let the noise lead him out of the trance. When he finally got his eyes open, he saw Alden Courtney lying in place of Davis, holding his head. This meant that Davis had been teleported off to who knows where, with his mind still shattered![/COLOR] [IMG]http://img72.imageshack.us/img72/530/07uv4.jpg[/IMG][IMG]http://img250.imageshack.us/img250/1891/switchcardbi8.jpg[/IMG][IMG]http://img171.imageshack.us/img171/2673/09fc1.jpg[/IMG]

[quote name='2007DigitalBoy][COLOR=DarkOrange']I like the idea of Davis being retarded, even if Clavis can heal it up soon, but why make Andrew gay?[/COLOR][/quote] Simply because I can. ;P First it read "to his wife Clarence and son Thomas", but then I realized what a big, dull cliché that would've been. Besides, Andrew comes from the era of renaissance, when men were all "dandy and gay". ;D [B]Edit:[/B] Why did you suddenly go back in time in your latest post, DigitalBoy? Besides, Aaryanna wrote that Deoky took off after raping Lara, he didn't stay for a fight... :/ I think we all have to start reading each others posts as thoroughly as possible from now, since things are going to go extremely hectic with the switch cards.

I decided to write Davis to be retarded by Deoky's mind assault, and Andrew to be gay. Use those as you wish. ;P And thanks for clearing up the use of the Switch Cards, Rach!

[COLOR=SandyBrown]When he woke up, he saw that he was lying in a narrow corridor. There were other people with him, all looking strange and scary. Panic crept into his mind, and his face was distorted in fear. He started to sob, unable to fight back the tears. [B]"Look!"[/B] one of the others, a green-haired girl said. [B]"He's awake! It's a miracle!"[/B] The girl crouched next to him. [B]"Davis? Are you alright?"[/B] [B]"I..."[/B] he sobbed. Why did she call him Davis? [B]"I... I want mommy!"[/B] To everybody's surprise, the tall man started to cry and scream from the bottom of his lungs. [B]"Uwaah! Mommy! where's my mommy?!"[/B][/COLOR] [CENTER]~*~[/CENTER] [COLOR=SeaGreen]Eflair backed down to the others. What had that evil bastard done to Davis?! She surely guessed what Deoky had done to poor Lara. She was bleeding between her legs when they had finally gotten to her and Davis. Clavis and Andrew had carried them both to this distant corridor. Fortunately Lara didn't remember what had happened, as Eflair had cured her wounds. Rage was a wholly new feeling for Eflair Shishinn J'nea. Never in her short life in the waters of Euto had she felt such hatred towards anybody. The girl knew that she was ready to die if only she could take Deoky with her![/COLOR] [CENTER]~*~[/CENTER] [color=DarkOrchid] Andrew Whitaker was still at lost of what had happened. It was slowly becoming clear to him that the five of them, along with Alden and Deoky, God knows where they were, were the only ones left of the people he awoke with for what felt like an eternity ago. Liam, Fredrick, Neheb, Samik and who knows how many others had already lost their lives to this place. So had apparently he, yet here he was again, struggling not to die again. If he had gone to Heaven or Hell, he didn't remember. If there really was Hell, it couldn't be any worse than this place. But he remembered what the voice had said to them. This is the final challenge, and only one can make it out of this place. So Andrew was certain he had a one in seven chance to make it out of this place, and return to his former life. To his lover Thomas.[/COLOR]

[QUOTE=Rachmaninoff] The other rule for this round is that each person has to use their switch card before any killing can take place. One of the parameters that was put into place by the mysterious force behind the Maze is that death is prohibited until each subject has been examined in action. ;) [/QUOTE] Do you mean that [I]all [/I]players have to use their Switch Cards before [I]anybody[/I] can kill off any characters, or just that each individual player has to use their Switch Card before they can use their Death Card, not minding the other players? This is going to be one tight race to the finish line, especially with all six of us still standing! I was looking forward for some players to be dropped out by this round, but perhaps it's more fun this way. ;D

[FONT=Century Gothic]My dear survivor candidates, this is your final chance to try and win this challenge, since it's time for our third and last theme. I have also decided to ante things up by changing the reward quite a bit. Instead of forming two teams of six, [B]the winning team will form two teams of five[/B]. This means only [B]ten[/B] of you will continue the game, and [B]three[/B] of you will be evicted. This is partially due to the amount of inactive players (who despite their inactivity haven't contacted me to say they want out). Nevertheless, it's up to the winners to deside if they want to keep those players in and give the boot to more potentially threatening players. Alas, the RPG continues![/FONT] [font=arial][color=teal][center]Theme Three: [B]Space Opera[/B] The [COLOR=Blue]Titanic Army of Humankind[/COLOR] battle invading aliens for the dominion of Earth! They are faced against the greedy [COLOR=Green]Lolloths[/COLOR], the bloodthirsty [COLOR=DarkOrange]Argrs[/COLOR] and the proud [COLOR=DarkRed]Merceri[/COLOR], three space-traveling races who show no love nor mercy to their rivals in conquesting habitable planets! Will mankind be able to defend their home planet from these intergalactic threats? Or will one of the alien races gain supremacy of the Blue Planet? This is a real war of the worlds![/center][/font][/color] [FONT=Century Gothic] Note that the four syndicates are marked with the four team colors and named similarly to the teams. This naturally indicates the side which each team will be playing. Also, since the theme is "Space Opera", you have to think big with this one.[/FONT]

[QUOTE=Lunox][color=dimgray] And with the whole "kid's story"...[/color][/QUOTE] Hence the quotation marks. ;D Despite what everybody who has actually read the books say, there are still people who brush the series off as children's literature. And then some who think it's from Satan, but that's a whole different issue. XP

I did it, Matt. I read the whole thing. Now I just have trouble choosing where to start reviewing... [B]The Story[/B] Okay, let's start from this. I don't know what "Kenzoku" refers to, you haven't explained it anywhere thus far, but you've managed to create an imaginative world with interesting characters. However, the over 70 pages I read feels like they are just the very beginning, which they no doubt are, but I'm left wondering, when does the actual [I]story[/I] begin? I can't see any major story arc being started yet, you've just introducing us to the main characters still. I know you love to be thorough, but you should leave some of the character development until [I]after[/I] the story has actually begun. Reading pages after pages about their trial in some forest isn't actually very interesting. The relationships between the characters are intriguing, but so far there's been little else than that. You should get to the chase soon. Also, I'm more than a little concerned with these "inspirations" you're getting from various anime. I might not see them all, but if you really are going to make this as a series of books, you have to start relying on your own head for inspiration. After all, you didn't want to end up like Christopher Paolini, did you? Just saying "it's not a rip-off" won't convince people that it really isn't. You should start by changing the names of the seven countries something not taken almost directly from Naruto, and move forward from that. [B]The Characters:[/B] The characters are interesting, and there sure are tensions between them. I like the fact that none of them follow the "likable hero archetype", and I'd be interested to see you treat all four of them as equal main characters. So far Shinji's getting all that "good-for-nothing slob who'll eventually saves the day"-vibe. I also find Kaname a troublesome character, since in the beginning you describe her as a tomboy who drinks and cusses, yet later on she behaves like a spoiled princess, all vain and worrying over her hair. It's like she's two characters melted into one. Orochi is probably my favorite character, he's a victim of racism and has a mysterious past. Just avoid making him too much of a goodie-two-shoes. The opposite goes for Izumi (a Japanese girl's name, btw). He's too much of a villainy character, too grim and too intimidating for what he should be. It's not believable that the leader of the Academy would let him graduate knowing him as a violent psycho, just to give him a chance. Yet so far, he's been acting quite normal in his team. So your descriptions in the first few chapters contradict the characters' actions in subsequent chapters. You should probably work on that... [B]The Writing:[/B] Much of what this title includes has already been said elsewhere in this thread, and you'll do good to listen to those advice. With writing, it's most important to revise, then revise again, and after that revise some more. Now your text has too many typoes, missing words and repetitive sentences. There are some grammatical issues as well (it's "could have" instead of "could of", for example), and you have a manner of using some words over and over again (such as "bisect"). Like others have said before me, you also have to pay attention to the usage of past and present tenses. A good rule is that you should only use present tense in spoken lines. One more thing... It might be just my preference, but I don't find novels to be a good medium for overly long fighting scenes. Chapter Four was quite honestly somewhat boring to read, even though it had the most action. You really don't have to describe every slash of the sword, every stumble upon a root and every charge at the enemy - it only gets repetitive after so many paragraphs. --- Now, I hope you do as you promised and take everything I said here as a genuine offer of help and advice, not as an insult or as an absolute truth either. I'm no expert when it comes to writing a book, I've never done it, so I can only say what I personally would and wouldn't do with your story. But like I said, it's an interesting story, and I'm sure you know where it's headed, but you have to bring that direction to the reader's attention sooner or later as well. Preferably sooner, of course. ;D Get on with that writing, mate! [B]EDIT:[/B] Fixed a few typoes and changed Nanaki to Kaname, who I meant all along.

As the boyfriend of the webmaster of the biggest Harry Potter fansite in Finland, I've become quite well-informed in everything related to the series. Deathly Hallows will be a [I]huge[/I] issue, not just for dedicated fans but as a global phenomenon. I'm expecting to see children get trampled to death by each other at the day of the release! ...Ehm, anyway... I'm actually somewhat irritated about this "who's gonna die?" -issue, since it seems to be the only point of interest for many of those expecting the book. I think it was simply a commercial trick for Rowling to reveal that she's killing off three major characters and letting two characters that she was going to kill live instead. That'll surely peak the world's interest... I'm more interested to see how Rowling is going to handle the end of the series she's been writing for decades. Is she going with the traditional "ten years later him and her are married with two children..." or is it just going to be a bittersweet goodbye after the final battle against the Dark Lord, with the future left to the imagination of the readers. I have to say, for a "kids' story" Harry Potter is one helluva grand series of books. Even Lord of the Rings feels dusty and archaic compared to it.

[QUOTE=Lunox][color=dimgray][spoiler]Also, the butler thing. Because you couldn't tell Harry that two movies ago. I know it was for the sake of the movie, but it was just too huge a glare.[/spoiler] [/color][/QUOTE] That really was a WTF-moment in the movie! Another was the scene where [spoiler]Spider-Man saves Gwen Stacy from falling to her death, and her boyfriend Brock only says to her "glad you're okay" and walks off. It's like he was sure she'd be alright despite her drop![/spoiler] Like I said, the movie wasn't very believable, but I'm sure no-one expected it to be.