Mitch

revision #2. autumn is here at last leaves yellow, fall fast the trees naked, gloomy, vast eerie peace, pleasant contrast fall is when i was born dead yet alive, withered, worn hinting death, winter's scorn during fall i shall die, none mourn spring gone, october is in halloween to come, children grin and life, it seems to begin all over, and i ask when when will fall die and take me for i am a barren, empty tree who grows leaves, watches them flee end of days as i onward dream

revision #2 apologies are coins collected over the years, a currency worth a kiss, maybe a reminisce. my love writing, put one in the piggy bank for you rightfully accuse that i lose. yet this sorry, a penny, is all i can give. not creative enough, not bold, not new the death i die is one i'll rue frustration, determination, attitude wanting greatness, feeling i am but dew beautiful, gone when the morning's through. it's true. no apology this can undo. apologies are failures to the weak, and absent to the strong, who toil on. my love writing, where has there been wrong? for you wrongfully accuse that i lose, yet through all the failures i arise anew.

revision. apologies are coins collected over the years, a currency worth a kiss, maybe a reminisce. my love writing, put one in the piggy bank for you rightfully accuse that i lose. yet this sorry, a penny, is all i can give. not creative enough, not bold, not new the death i die is one i'll rue it's true. no apology this can undo. apologies are unchangeable failures killing the weak, giving strength to the strong. my love writing, where has there been wrong? for you rightfully accuse that i lose, yet through all the failures i arise anew.

revised. i still need to think of something that's not so hackeneyed about fall, because leaves cracking as people step on them is cliche to me. i like it better now though. even though it was windy today (that's why there was the whole bit about the wind), i think this is better, especially if a reader picks it up and reads it. autumn is here at last leaves yellow, fall fast crack as people walk past eerie peace, pleasant contrast fall, when i was born dead yet alive, withered, worn hinting death, winter's scorn during fall i shall die, none mourn another october, here again halloween to come, children grin and my life, it seems to begin all over, and i ask when when will my season die, taking me, for i am the last leaf left on a tree somewhere waiting to see the end of days as i onward dream

L3 originally read "black holes" but i hyphenated it because for this assignment, i was to only have 15 nouns and one "and." i had an argument about this, though. although "black" in "black hole" is technically an adjective, a "black hole" acts as one noun even though it's two words. it's kind of a phrasal noun, in a sense. a regular hole and a black hole are two different things. and i felt that black hole's meaning to the entire poem (to me, anyway) was heavy, so thus i kept it and hyphenated it just to be technically correct in what i had to do. seduction, suction, destruction space, infinite, beyond: aliens' junction lovers' 'holes, novas: death's function end and conjuction

autumn is here at last leaves yellow, fall fast wind soughs a blast eerie peace, pleasant contrast fall, when i was born dead yet alive, withered, worn hinting death, winter's scorn during fall i shall die, none mourn another october, here again halloween to come, children grin and my life, it seems to begin all over, and i ask when when will my season take me, for i am a last leaf left on a tree somewhere waiting to see the end of days as i onward dream

apologies are coins collected over the years, a currency worth a kiss, maybe a reminisce. my love writing, put one in the piggy bank for you rightfully accuse that i lose, yet all the sorries don't drown the sorrows. not creative enough, not enough boldness, not like you i shall die a death i will forever rue. when my time comes and looms it is true. not spontaneous enough, not enough imagination, not like you. i'll die a death i'll forever rue when my time comes and looms it is true. apologies are unchangeable failures, failures killing the weak and strengthening the strong. my love writing, where has there been wrong? for you rightfully accuse that i lose, yet through all the failures i arise anew.

you're developing as a poet. i still don't know exactly what it's about, but i know what each stanza says. quit teasing me without telling me what it's about specifically. keep writing.

This is beautiful, Charles. I love the cynical tone of it, and what it's about as well. Wonderfully done. This is definitely a song, then, I take it, since it's got a verse that repeats throughout it. If it were a poem it would've been shorter. Well, I really don't have many suggestions. It is kind of long for the average reader these days - since they want it short and quick, so I bet quite a few people just gazed over it quick. You should really do a shorter poem version and see how that goes, that would be cool. Well, I was thinking about how you spelled baloney - "balogna." I'm partial to the baloney spelling. . .maybe you'd like to give that a think over. If it were my creature, I'd change it to that spelling; but it's yours. :p Wonderfully done, I can tell you put effort into this. . .the word choices and overall the poem itself are well done. You're such a great writer.

[quote name='ANTIWORLD']well thanks for the tricks but the way i worded is the why it is , see i just do what i feel and read between the lines of each time i write.oh yeah i was wondering on how i could make it better ...help[/quote] Well writing it like that isn't helpful to a reader whatsoever. That's personal poetry and should stay locked away where only you can read it. If you post something here, then that means you intend for a reader to be able to comprehend it and understand it. Having grammatically incorrect language to the point where you can't understand it fully isn't helping a reader whatsoever. So, what I'm saying is this poem is for the reader; hence you have to take steps so the reader can understand it, not you. I gave many suggestions up above to help you out. Point out specifically what you need help on and I'll do my best to aid you.

This is much better than the first version of this poem I read. I like how you've made it more grounded in the physical, so the reader actually knows what's going on to an extent. This is most definitely a step in the correct direction. Overall I like the pseudorepetition in it. I also like how taut many of the lines are. This is really a lot more impressive than your older version. I really don't know what else to say, to be honest. I was thinking the "scraping for reason" line sounded a bit odd. . .maybe you could word that better. Basically, a this point, you just need to horse around with it more till you get it as good as you can get it. This involves mainly messing with word choices and so on. . . If you need some more help, just ask me and I'll try to give some suggestions.

You're only 16 so I can understand why your writing isn't as. . .developed as it could be. In this piece, there are many grammatical errors and overall this overshadows the meaning of the poem and gets in the way of the reader. Also, poetry's unit is the line, not the paragraph and not sentences in some cases. I understand poetry is all about horsing around with words till they work, and even going against tradition, but to me the line is very suitable for poetry. "Prosetry," as is what I'd call this piece, can work, but for the purposes of this poem, and you as a developing writer, should use the line. So, I'll give some suggestions to you and help you along the way, and I'll also explain a few. . .tricks, for lack of a better word, that will help you develop at poetry better. [quote]I won't tell you can trust me as the angels do above me;[/quote] I had to read this line about three times because it's so awkwardly worded. I really don't even fully grasp, as a reader, what you're trying to say here, either. Could you tell me, simply, what you're trying to say in this line? It definitely needs to be changed or worded better as to draw the reader in better; as is, it's a large stumble right at the beginning of the poem and off-putting to a reader, which may make them not even read the rest of your poem. [quote]I won't speak one word so you may be discover ;[/quote] Do you mean discovered? If not, explain to me what you're trying to say and we'll try to word it better. As is, this isn't working, either. It doesn't even make sense. [quote]I will protect you as if i had no life;[/quote] I'd pretty much leave this line as-is. It makes sense and is fine. [quote] i will face your fears at the darkness of every light.[/quote] This is fine as well. [quote]This is all that is given from you to me i hope i don't lost it mentally or found in a pit of lost souls,but before that you will know how far i'll truly go.[/quote] This is very convoluted and doesn't make any sense. Firstly, I'd either separate this into separate lines, or I'd cut it down quite a bit. Poetry is all about saving your words and getting them just right. Also, ". . .i hope i don't lost it mentally or found in a pit of lost souls" makes no sense whatsoever, either. Do you mean "I hope I don't get lost mentally or found in a pit of souls"? Still, that itself is very convoluted and needs work. Just saying, "I hope I don't get lost in a pit of souls" works far better. So if I were to break it into lines, and give some suggestions for what I thought didn't make any sense (as far as I can tell what you were trying to say), it would look like this: [quote]I can tell you won't trust me as the angels do above me I won't speak one word so you may be discovered I will protect you as if i had no life I will face your fears at the darkness of every light. This is all that is given from you to me Before that you will know how far i'll truly go.[/quote] Remember, I'm just giving suggestions. . .do what you will with it; it's your creature. I'm just guiding you along so you can get better at this. Overall this isn't bad for as young of a writer as you are. You show talent. . .but talent doesn't equal ability. Just work at it. As for some tricks. . .mainly, always remember that poetry is grounded in the physical. The more specific and less abstract the better. Notice how your poem consists of mainly an abstraction. Words such as "life" or "darkness" or "light" or "fears" dot it. While these words serve to show some things, they don't truly show much at all. These types of words are so used and just abstract overall that they don't make the reader feel anything specifically. . .instead it would be better to be specific about these emotions or feelings you have. Yes, it's love, but love is very cliche; everyone's heard about it. You've got to make it different in some way. . .not so hackeneyed. Also, poetry is all about figurative language. This is how you're able to communicate an abstraction so a reader can understand it. By pairing an abstraction to something physical, you're able to communicate a direct feeling that feels new and is sharp and quick. Similies (that is, using like or as for a comparison) are one component of figurative language. They should be avoided in poetry as much as possible. Instead, use a metaphor (comparison that doesn't use like or as). A metaphor is a more dense similie. . .it's sort of like a shorthand version of a similie. And poetry is all about density - it's about having more than meets the eye there - saying something in as few words as possible but saying so much. Usually you can convert a similie into a metaphor by just removing the like or as, in other cases it's harder. But it's good to keep a thing like this in mind.

[QUOTE=Brasil][i]Please[/i]. Your previous post absolutely reeks of some petty, incessant "I guess I'm the only original one around here" attitude. It's what you feel? Oh, c'mon. lol. Mitch, regardless of whether or not you want me (or really, anyone who read your previous post) to believe you weren't being just the least bit pretentious and presumptuous by implying that you are the only one who appreciates originality--and the implication was there, Mitch, let's get that straight right now, because I was not the only one who noticed--you really need to reconsider just what you're saying here. Frankly, when you use words like "stole," and phrases like "but me personally, I like to be original; and that kind of kills some of the originality of it for me, I guess," I find it hard to believe your post was as...innocent as you're now telling us it was. Why not just admit to it? I mean...anyone who reads those words knows exactly what you were trying to get at. And also, I asked for what people thought about the poem. What I [i]did not[/i] ask for was the type of petty "I am individual" angst of yours. Let's get that straight, too. A review is not what you posted, Mitch. What you posted was a thinly-veiled jab spurned on by a misguided ideology. So, again, if you're going to post with that bull like you pulled in your previous reply...don't waste my time. I want serious replies. I don't want your "original individual" spammy rubbish.[/QUOTE] Here we go once again. This thread is either going to get closed, or you are going to realize you're blowing this out of proportion once again - arguing just to argue - using your poisonous tongue to enunciate words that never were there. Every writer "steals." To be a writer is to be a thief of moments. A thief of phrases. Even the words we use to communicate themselves aren't ours, but have root from an amalgam of many languages which is in essence what English is. However, this stealing is often metamorphosized by a writer's imagination and made his own - which is definitely in part what you did with this poem.I was simply pointing out that, as a reader, that is what I thought of (the Green Day song); and to me that lessened this poem's impact dully. My entire post also was not about this so-called "I am an individual" angst you're talking about. I talked of other things; that was only a part of the post. And the ideaology is misguided to you - and you can have that, for that is your opinion on the matter. But it was not a jab whatsoever. I did not imply that I am the only one who appreciates originality, either. I was simply stating that ths poem's repetition of the phrase "boulevard of broken dreams" made me think of the Green Day song of the same name, and that in this sense it wasn't original. It is not to say the poem doesn't have a single grain of originality in it as you seem to think. I was not pretentious nor was I presumptuous in my post whatsoever. I was simply giving my ideas about the poem since you posted asking for comments. I feel as if I'm going in circles. I've said this all before and you'll now post another countering to what I've just said. It is so pointless and fruitless.

Had to write a 7-line poem with 7 words per line, and one 7-letter word per line. you could use it to entreat heaven or idolize it and be a heathen you could name it amenity, your pet or date it, kissing during a sunset maybe even abolish it to the sea or even draw on a girlish face or running, trip during a fast race EDIT: I forgot a rating. I've added it to the title but it only shows when you enter the thread. Either close the thread so I can make a new one or change the thread's title so it has it. Thanks a lot Asphy. EDIT2: Poem changed/ tinkered with. I also forgot a 7th line for whatever reason. That's been changed. [font=Verdana][size=1][color=Red] *Le gasp* You forgot a rating! Knave! You must be punished at the stake! [img]http://otakuboards.com/images/smilies/tongue.gif[/img] I added the rating to the main thread, Mitch-ee. I wouldn't be mean enough to do that if you've asked for it to be changed/changed the in-thread rating. That'd be wrong. You tried to correct your mistake, etc. ^_^ -- Asphy. [/color][/size][/font]

[QUOTE=Brasil]Mitch, don't be a twerp, and run a search for a series of paintings by an artist named [url=http://www.art.com/asp/display_artist-asp/_/crid--25339/Gottfried_Helnwein.htm][u]Gottfried Helnwein[/u][/url]. So go ahead. Keep talking about originality (by the way, it was incredibly lame of you to come here spouting nonsense like that). And then check out those paintings by Helnwein entitled Boulevard of Broken Dreams. There's actually a series of them. Don't waste my time.[/QUOTE] It isn't nonsense. It's what I believe in. You posted this asking for a response; I gave you an honest one (and I also mentioned that what I was saying was just what I thought, and you well know that, too). I am not a twerp and I never have been. And I'm supposed to know this is a series of paintings by some guy? An average reader who picks this poem up and reads it won't know that. Must you always employ this ridiculous PT facade? Must you incessantly fight a battle of useless words over and over again until you get your way? I'm not wasting your time. You posted this asking for response, and that's what I gave. If you're going to reply like so, then I have no reason to post; no one else does, either. If you want to hear what you want to hear and only what you want to hear, then don't post this asking for comments.

I think Charles said things pretty well. I wanted to say something when I read this quite a while ago, but I really had nothing to say. It's a well done poem overall, and the use of nice descriptive words gets the reader to feel. I think you could perhaps make some of the description less, because at times it's a little too much I'd say (but then again, this is just me - I think strong language uses strong nouns that describe what modifiers and a noun would do all at once; I'm just trying to give some input). I think the main thing that bothered me is how I couldn't stop thinking of Green Day's "Boulevard of Broken Dreams" when I first read this. It's as if you stole that phrase right from them and then converted it into this poem. Which is fine, I guess, but me personally, I like to be original; and that kind of kills some of the originality of it for me, I guess.

I don't see how so many people just love this movie for being aesthetically pleasing alone. But maybe it's just me, I don't know. Well, I personally care what the deeper meanings of something are, or if its subject matter interests me. Making something look pretty doesn't do anything for me. Sure, it may look pretty on the outside, but when you pry this movie open and try to find something more it's the most vapid, empty expanse you can find. And basically, aside from looking beautiful, this movie offers nothing to me. I know I shouldn't compare this movie to the game, but it's an impossible thing for me. And the game is far more entertaining in every aspect other than being aesthetically pleasing. I don't know. I grew up with the NES and SNES and its lackluster graphics (by today's standards), and the older systems have some of the best games in existence. Same with movies: there's a lot of better movies (aesthetically) that have appeared that actually had a nice story to boot, as well. I'd like to go, "OMG FF7!2111" about this, but I can't love it for just being an FF 7 byproduct alone. Because as a product it fails other than being aesthetically pleasing which doesn't offer any thing to me. It's nice seeing FF 7's characters again, but I honestly found how they looked to not be how I imagined they'd look just by their pixelated selves in FF 7. But oh well. Cloud's hair wasn't spikey enough, Tifa's breasts weren't big enough, and the story wasn't even there.

death deals down gambling, slamming, the clown giggly glad we frown poker-faced, mr. erase now drops the card, is his noun doing what he does around kissing place the crown death the king, love no town

I recently watched AC. It was a let-down. I'm just giving a brief summation since I don't care to make this a full-fledged review. In summation, it was aesthetically pleasing, no doubt. But its story was. . .non-existent? And I couldn't care less about aesthetic when it comes to a movie based from an RPG; I care for story, a good one, one that continues FF7's and explains more of it and makes something else at the same time. Don't waste your time, or if you must, prepare to be disappointed. Go play FF7 again instead. It's a far greater experience in every way. Sorry Square, having Matrix-esque, near-awe-inspiring action scenes doesn't do it.

[b]A) Which aspect of OtakuBoards do you find to be the most negative/confusing?[/b] People who intentionally post replies to piss people off. Now, I'm not throwing names out, but you catch my drift. I also can't stand pointless debates, and how I'm afraid to post anything nowadays for fear that what I post will be taken apart word-by-word and countered just to be countered (this is why I don't even bother posting; what I say doesn't matter anyway because I seemingly can't have my own opinion without being ripped apart for it). Overall, this place has become a lot more hostile for me, so I stray from it. [b]B) What is your favorite aspect of OtakuBoards?[/b] Anthology and Play It. Also the people I've met here and continue to know. To be honest, my interest in this place has heavily waned, but I come every so often.

make a woman, build the building the steel girders to the heart; the towering structure of art perfect, fine, windows of mirrors made in fashion in attraction let her be black-haired night, built from the deepness of that fright; let her be frail as mortality, lacking excessive amounts of morality let her be a sky that scrapes me dry make a woman, build the building the steel girders to the heart; spread it open, spread it apart perfect, fine, knobs of doors made in fashion in attraction let her never be, for she an imagined fancy in a head will not writhe between these sheets won't be built, high and free crashing, crashing, dead

I beat MGS3 recently. I'm right with what Charles said, basically. A great, great game. I almost cried at the end, it was so emotional. I'm not being jocose; just beat the game, and you'll feel the same way. I'll be buying a PS3 just for this - I don't care. This is a must own.

[QUOTE=Lady Asphyxia][font=Arial][size=2]I apologise, Mitch. I meant to get to this sooner. I've sent a PM, but I won't delete it, since you've already replied. I like that fact that your style has become simplified. Not long ago, it was very complex and just plain ol' confusing. You've slimmed it down and kind of cut the crap, which is fantastic. It's sleek and shiny now. [img]http://otakuboards.com/images/smilies/wink.gif[/img] The problem I still have with it is that it's...ambigious. It doesn't seem to have a direct focus and it doesn't draw enough emotion from me. I think, by focussing it more, it'll draw the reader in more. However, I'm pleased to see the development in your style. It's lovely. ^_^ [/size][/font][/QUOTE] Perhaps I should explain the background of what led me to make this poem. Maybe that will make it less ambiguous. I wrote it for karma_of_chaos, AKA Erin, because she wrote a post on her journal about how hectic her life's been lately; in it she said she honestly considered suicide at one point because she found her mom was overdosing on some drugs. Thus, when I say "life lumbers loud/ aching, scraping proud/ to kill everyone around" - that's what I mean: life's hardships make us feel ultimately defeated. Basically, the poem is a call to love as a fighting answer to life driving people to destroy themselves and so on. It's pretty hard to find exactly something I could change in this poem. To me, it's already pretty damn good. I could perhaps look at changing some of the words or so on. . .but as far as focused, I think it's pretty damn focused. The hardest part of the poem was definitely finding a suitable end that worked within the rhyming framework of the poem, and that ended up being "kissing lying down/ you will not frown." Maybe it's worth it to try to think of an even better ending line. I've also got to remember that there's got to be those end rhymes all the time as well if I'm going to tinker with this. I'd like to say that this isn't the "the" new style of mine. I write poems in many different ways, I was just in love with this poem and I thought it was worth a reader reading and showing me how to make it better perhaps.

[quote name='Kurama + Hiei']It was so cool! Write more! Please! PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :animeswea :animesmile[/quote] This is one of the reasons I rarely post anything I write here any more. Why was it cool? What does it mean to you? Are there any ways it could be improved?

life lumbers loud scraping, aching, proud to kill everyone around listen love now strong, valiant, how to fight our ground kissing lying down you will not frown Suggestions?