Lady Asphyxia

[size=2][font=arial narrow]:rolleyes: Uh, first of all, this thread is two years old, guys. However, far be it from me to hinder discussion. But since we now have an manga forum, and this thread is about a manga, I'll move it there. Thread Moved.[/font][/size]

[size=2][font=arial narrow]Hi! Welcome to OB! We actually have a Manga forum, so hopefully you should have more luck finding people who know of "Forbidden Dance". I'll just move this thread there for you. Thread Moved.[/font][/size]

[size=2][font=arial narrow]Dark Alucard, my suggestion is to read the OB Anthology Basics, which are at the top of this forum. In it, it is clearly stated that all threads must be rated for maturity. If they are not rated, they will be closed. Feel free to recreate your thread with the appropriate rating. Thread Closed.[/font][/size]

[size=2][font=arial narrow]What, exactly, is the point of this thread? OB Anthology allows the posting of fanfiction [with a rating], and so it will allow you to post your story on here. Otherwise, I don't understand what you are asking for. I do not see the point in creating a story thread if you do not include the story or describe the story in any way. I'm going to close this thread because there doesn't seem to be much of a discussion point. If you would like to PM me about it, though, feel free. And if you'd like to post your story [with a rating] then you can also do that. ^_^ Thread Closed. [/font][/size]

[size=2][font=arial narrow]Welcome to OB, Lady Maiya! Unfortunately, Otakuboards dos not allow double posting. If you check out [url=http://otakuboards.com/rules.php?][b]The Rules[/b][/url], it'll tell you what isn't allowed on these Boards. In the future, just edit your first post to include the new message. I've posted rather than editing your story so that you'll be able to post more without double posting. ^_^ Your story seems very interesting, and I hope you continue to share it with us.^_^"[/font][/size]

[size=2][font=arial narrow]Hmm...I'm not entirely sure but when I got it, I believe it was because I wasn't connected to the internet -- in MSN Messenger's eyes. Perhaps your firewall is blocking it?[/font][/size]

[size=2][font=arial narrow]To be honest, I don't see the discussion value in this thread. If this isn't your poem, why should people review it? What's the point? We review to help the writer improve his/her own work, but since you aren't the writer, why should we? And if you are the writer [which I don't think you are, since you said [i]It's from the book "the perks of being a wallflower" by Stephen Chbosky[/i]] you forgot to rate your thread. In any case, I don't see the discussion in this thread going anywhere. If you have any problems, feel free to PM me. Thread Closed.[/size][/font]

[size=2][font=arial narrow]I recommend that you read the [url=http://otakuboards.com/showthread.php?t=44313][b]OB Anthology Basics[/b][/url]. You see, in there it details this lovely little system called the Ratings System. And in that section, it mentions how each and every creative thread must be rated for maturity. It also mentions what happens if a thread is not rated; the thread is closed. Lucky for you, though, you may re-create your thread with the appropriate rating. Thread Closed.[/font][/size]

[font=arial narrow][size=2]Okay, I'm going to step in here before it esculates. Moonlight, at OB we do encourage [i]everyone[/i] to give feedback on these poems etc. As writers we want feedback to improve our writing; why else would we post it? Retro, there was absolutely [i]no need[/i] to respond in such a manner. If you had a problem with Moonlight's reply, you should have PMed me. As you said, you are discussing the post, and obviously your reply was not. Perhaps in future you should take a look at yourself, before casting any aspersions on others? Moonlight, most of Retro's feedback was positive. [Although personally I don't believe in rating pieces out of 10. I think it's far too impersonal for such a personal thing. Poetry is one of the most personal forms of writing and I don't think it's fair to classify it so simply.] A lot of people get more negative feedback than that, myself included. So really I don't think there anything to be worried about in that regard. If you have a problem with Retro's reviewing style -- or anyone else -- please PM me. Oh, and Retro. Michaela is an italian version of Michelle. It's pronounced Mick-ail-a. Rifles at Recess: Twenty-nine cuts Ten letters Four words One message Hundreds of reasons. ^ Lovely rhythm. It's a really nice beginning, and the flow is just fabulou. It really stuck out as being great. [/size][/font]

[font=arial narrow][size=2]Not bad. Not too bad at all. ^-^ There's just a couple of things, though. [i]The Five-Foot Eleven with brown shoulder length hair girl[/i] [b]Far[/b] too many adjectives and description. Don't worry about telling us all about her now; include some in the story as we go along and we'll get the picture. [i] By all means, her parents, who happened to be a successful business woman and a world renowned martial artist and boxer, spoiled her, but she didn?t let it go to her head unlike one of her classmates, Ichiro Watanabe[/i] This sentence is really complicated and gets a bit confusing. You might want to revise it. Yo ucan cut out what her parents do and just include it later. We can tell by the conversation etc. later on what her parents do. Mostly I think the main thing is just to show, not tell. Don't tell us that her mother is a business woman, mention that she's away on businessness and we'll get the picture. Otherwise, it's quite good. ^_^[/size][/font]

[size=2][font=arial narrow]You know, you aren't exactly [i]encouraging[/i] people to give feedback when you have an attitude like that. I mean, there'd be people out there who'd be much more grateful for our time. It isn't like we [i]have[/i] to review. But at the same time, I know what it's like to get no replies, so.. As a prologue, I can see what you're trying to do. I like the set up with the Name, then thought. The problem I have with it at the moment is that because your sentence structures are much the same, it becomes sort of repeditive, and, more than that, the characters don't really have their own personality. So if this is the prologue, the reader will go into the story thinking they're much the same. My suggestions is to keep writing, then go back to the prologue and just alter the sentences a bit when you know who the characters really are.[/font][/size]

[size=2][font=arial narrow]Welcome back, Talon. Unfortunately, I suggest you read the OB Anthology Basics [the one that says 'Read Before Posting. ^.~] as it outlines a policy brought in last year. All creative threads must be rated for maturity, and any thread that is not rated must be closed. To learn more about the ratings, check the [url=http://otakuboards.com/showthread.php?t=44313][b]OB Anthology Basics[/b][/url]. Benakittie, feel free to create your own poetry thread. I know there are lots of poetry threads around here. [url=http://otakuboards.com/showthread.php?t=47460]Unknown Deceit[/url], [url=http://otakuboards.com/showthread.php?t=47501]Various Poetry[/url], [url=http://otakuboards.com/showthread.php?t=47514]Poems from the Past Year[/url], [url=http://otakuboards.com/showthread.php?t=47531]Lilith[/url], and [url=http://otakuboards.com/showthread.php?t=47459]Ducky[/url] are all poems from the bottom half of the first page XP. It isn't too hard to find poems, and I do encourage you to create your own thread so that others can comment on it. ^_^ Talon, feel free to re-create the thread with the appropriate rating.[/font][/size]

[size=2][font=arial narrow]My main concern with this is the spacing. I really discourage not having correct spacing. Things like a new speaker on a new line really encourages the reader. Having your text in one block because very hard to read, especially on the internet. Also, my suggestion is to show, not tell. Don't say something like "He was a labourer.", say, "He had the body of a labourer, with .." etc. As for your comments about grammar and spelling, I'm going to let you know now before it becomes a problem that saying spelling and grammar is off does not excuse poor post quality. [And Umbra, I suggest that you take a look at your spelling. i.e Adjective, personality, etc. It may be just typos, but running it through a spell check will fix those. ^.^] So, yeah, I think if you show, not tell, the piece will be a lot better. Keep going![/font][/size]

[size=2][font=arial narrow]All threads in OB Anthology require a rating for maturity. For more information, please see the [url=http://otakuboards.com/showthread.php?t=44313][b]OB Anthology Basics[/b][/url], which you can also find at the top of this forum. I highly suggest to those that replied to this thread to review their post quality -- something which you can also look at the OB Anthology Basics in order to read up on. The post quality in this thread was atrocious, and if I see something like this again, I will be forced to close the thread. This thread is closed. Feel free to re-create this thread with the appropriate rating, however I do want to see better replies in future.[/size][/font]

[size=2][font=arial narrow]According to OB's [url=http://otakuboards.com/rules.php?][b]rules[/b][/url], you are not allowed to double post. I am going to edit your posts and combine them into one post. In future, please wait until someone replies before posting again. I suggest you take a look at the rules and the [url=http://otakuboards.com/faq.php?][b]FAQ[/b][/url]. If I find that you've double posted again, I will close this thread.[/size][/font]

[size=2][font=arial narrow]All threads in OB Anthology must be rated for maturity. To learn more about that, please see the [url=http://otakuboards.com/showthread.php?t=44313][b]OB Anthology Basics[/b][/url] thread. Any thread that is not rated must be closed, however, you may feel free to re-create the thread with the appropriate rating. ^.^ Thread Closed.[/font][/size]

[size=2][font=arial narrow]Welcome to Otakuboards! It's great that you've jumped straight in, however, I highly suggest that you read the [url=http://otakuboards.com/showthread.php?t=44313][b]OB Anthology Basics[/b][/url], the [url=http://otakuboards.com/rules.php?][b]Rules[/b][/url] and [url=http://otakuboards.com/faq.php?][b]FAQ[/b][/url]. Every creative thread in OB Anthology needs to be rated for maturity. This rules can be found in the OB Anthology basics. Unfortunately, every thread that does not have a rating must be closed, however, feel free to re-create the thread with the appropriate rating. Thread Closed.[/font][/size]

[font=arial narrow][size=2]Welcome to Otakuboards! I hope you enjoy your time here. While we do encourage members to jump right in, we don't actually allow introduction threads. I strongly encourage you to look at the [url=http://otakuboards.com/rules.php?][b]rules[/b][/url] and the [url=http://otakuboards.com/faq.php?][b]FAQ[/b][/url], which are always helpful, even if you [i]aren't[/i] a new member. Also, check out the [url=http://otakuboards.com/showthread.php?t=44313][b]OB Anthology Basics[/b][/url] thread, which has all the rules specific to OB Anthology. Since you seem to be interested in fanfiction,I'd recommend [url=http://otakuboards.com/showthread.php?t=45888&page=1&pp=15&][b]this [/b][/url]thread where you can discussion what you like and don't like about fanfiction. If you want to post your own work, feel free!, just be sure to include the rating in your thread title. ^_^ Since introduction threads aren't allowed, I'm going to close this thread. If you have any problems or questions, feel free to PM me.[/size][/font]

[size=2][font=arial narrow]While I thank you for rating your thread, I do not feel that an E rating such as you have given it is appropriate, because of the themes relating to death etc. that some members may not find appropriate. When you rate a thread E, please take note that you're saying [i]everyone[/i] can read it and that there are no darker themes really running through it. I'm going to change the rating of this thread to a PG. In future, if you have any problems chosing the correct rating, just PM me and I'll get back to you as soon as possible. ^_^ All in all, this is a nice, consistant piece of poetry. I love the fact that the rhyme scheme continues right throughout the poem and that the use of good vocab. really enhances it. I'm not going to go into a lot of detail, but I will say I quite like it.[/font][/size]

[quote name='SadBlue']Sounds interesting. I don't supposed it's againts the rules to repeat the words "Screw Flanders" the last 30,000 words, is it?[/quote] [font=arial narrow][size=2]Ahah..yes. XP Anyway, write a novel in a month is not a new thing. NaNoWriMo is quite a huge thing in most writing-based forums. The website for it can be found [url=http://www.nanowrimo.org/]here[/url] and has an FAQ and such to look at. Oh, wait -- The author of [i]No Plot? No Problem![/i] is actually the founder of NaNoWriMo! I think it's definately a great idea and would be fantastic to get on board this year. NaNoWriMo starts on November 1st and is register-able in October. If you are going to try it, I would recommend doing it with NaNoWriMo, simply because then there'll be thousands of other people going through the same torment as you. I myself think I might just do it this year, because November is when it all winds down -- my last school day is on November 4th, and then I have exam block for a week and I'm done. It'd be a fantastic [and hellish] way to end my schooling life. ^.^" But, yeah, the thought of writing a novel in a month is daunting, but doable. So if you want to do it now, in June, then I definately suggest it and you have my 100% support![/size][/font]

[font=arial narrow][size=2] OB requires a minimum standard post quality, and unfortunately you have not made that standard. As Leofski said, try to expand your posts in order to encourage discussion. I also recommend that you read the rules -- Punctuation is very important at OB, which includes Capital letters and full stops/questions marks. I suggest that you take a look at the rules and follow them more closely in future. Thread Closed[/size][/font]

[font=arial narrow][size=2]At this point, I'm reluctant to allow this thread to continue, because it seems like a thinly veiled advertisement of your RPG/spar and a complaint that no one has signed up, rather than a real discussion that will lead anywhere. However, to answer your question: Detail is good, yes. But there are other factors involved that will make readers lose interest. My suggestion is to brush up on your punctuation; capital letters for the beginning of sentences, for titles, etc. It really turns a reader and potential RPGer off when there is no real grammar or punctuation. Besides which, Adventure Inn isn't really about feedback regarding how good your story is, etc. It isn't about quantity, it's about quality. An improvement on punctuation and grammar [and to some extent, spelling] may also help. I am going to stand by my first conclusion. I don't believe that this thread is anything more than about your RPG, and so I can't see the point of it continuing, I'm afraid. Thread Closed.[/size][/font]

[font=arial narrow][size=2]This is a general reminder that we do encourage [i]constructive criticism[/i]. If you are unsure what that is, then have a look at [url=http://otakuboards.com/showthread.php?t=44313]OB Anthology Basics[/url]. One line is just not acceptable. I strongly encourage you to include some sort of constructive criticism. As for the story itself, it's not bad. I quite like the story behind it, but I think that there are a couple of things you could do that would help the reader when reading the story. First of all, a new line for a new speaker e.g. [i]?So who?s your favorite character, Robin?? I asked. Robin smiled. ?Easy. It?s..? ?Let me guess.?[/i] It makes it easier for the reader to read. Also, some description about the characters would be great. I like the part where you described Audrey because it brought the reader into the story and helped us imagine it. At the moment it sort of feels like we have names but not characters -- we don't know what drives them or what makes them happy. As I said, it isn't bad. The moral is good and heartwarming. Well done. [/size][/font]

[font=arial narrow][size=2]Welcome back to OB.^_^ Every thread in OB Anthology needs a rating. Feel free to re-create this thread with the appropriate rating. [You can read about the ratings system [url=http://www.otakuboards.com/showthread.php?t=44313]here[/url]. In the future, try to remember that all creative threads in OB Anthology do need a rating. Because you are missing one, this thread is going to be locked. Thread Closed.[/size][/font]

[font=arial narrow][size=2]No, it isn't better. I'm sorry, but you obviously haven't read the Sticky that is up the top of the OB Anthology page; the same one that Dagger linked you to when she closed your previous thread. To quote: [quote]A thread's rating should be included in it's title, so that members can view the rating of a thread without physically having to open it.[/quote] Considering the fact that you haven't rated the thread both times you created it, even though you were asked to and directed to the Sticky containing all the rating information, I should close this thread. However, I'm going to take into account that you did [i]attempt[/i] to rate the threads in your post, and keep it open, for now. I will ask that you keep the yaoi warning up the top of the thread and easy to see, as well, and that you do not exceed OB's rules regarding Adult Content [which you can find at the [url=http://www.otakuboards.com/rules.php?][b]Rules Page[/b][/url]. I highly suggest that you read the [url=http://www.otakuboards.com/showthread.php?t=44313][b]OB Anthology Basics[/b][/url] or any Sticky thread at the top of the forum, before posting. Consider this a warning. I did skim over your story, and my main advice is to run it through the spell check, or proof read before posting. I came across this little snippet: [quote]themselves on Juari, mostly women who had been beaten or amused fed to Juari[/quote] I highly doubt women would flee because they were amused. Unless they were afraid of clowns. ^.~ Also, when writing, I like to use the cliche' of writing: Show, not tell. You seem to be telling us everything that's happening, rather than letting the reader deduce things for themselves. But it isn't a bad effort. Just read the Sticky and the rules, run it through spell check and Show, not tell, and you should do fine.[/font][/size]