Lady Asphyxia

[font=Verdana][size=1]First of all, I have a request of you. When you post, please keep a line of space between paragraphs. Simply indenting is fine for Microsoft Word, but it doesn't work here, so we need the space to be able to see better and to concentrate. It becomes hard on the eyes when we can only see a big clump of writing. [I say this to most people, because I try to look at and review everyone's work, but it is hard to read without the spaces.] [/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1]Okay. Well, the first 'rule' that I was ever told [in the one time I went to a writing workshop, heh] is "[i]Show, not tell[/i]", which you haven't really done here. This isn't so much a narrative as a narration -- the different seems slight when in words, but it's there. A narration is telling a story, a narrative [i]is[/i] a story. I suppose most 1st person stories [which yours is] are narration stories, because there is someone telling the story. [/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1]?My name is Salvador Baracondarg. I live on Mt. Ogrekill. I live there because I am interested in Ogres. [color=red][[/color][color=red]Just a note here. Why would someone who is interested in Ogres live on Mt. Ogre[i]kill[/i]?][/color]You see, many creatures roam our planet but unlike the ogres they are too smart [color=red][Too smart for what?][/color]. Recent studies show us that the only creature without a brain is the troll [color=red][Can't live without a brain. And why did Trolls enter into the story? What's the reason?][/color] but there are too many types of Trolls so it gets confusing so that?s why I stick to Ogres. [color=red][The reader needs an explanation here as to why it matters whether or not the animals have brains.][/color][/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1]One thing I?ve learnt from ogres is that the only were to kill a man is to take his head and shove it up his a? well that?s not important.[color=red] [There are many ways to kill people; garotting, beheading, impaling, burning, etc, and most of them don't involve shoving a head [i]anywhere[/i]. Perhaps you should get rid of this sentence all together.][/color] That is covered in chapter 3: An Ogres Daily Routine. [color=red][Why is it covered there?][/color] [/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1]The Ogre starts its life emerging from its father. [color=red][What?][/color] For some reason in the ogre world Men are Women and Women are Men.[color=red][For this theory to work, you have to explain it more fully. The reader can't just accept that.][/color] Some say that the women are women and the men are men. Also those people feel that the person who theorised this [color=red][Theorised what?][/color] (Henword Diskings) is a dingbat from Surry. [/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1]But the fact is Henword Diskings is a great big manpa(1).[color=red][Best not to make up words.][/color] After speaking to him on several occasions and stealing research that shows some possibility of being fact he even said he was a Manpa. Although he thought I was on about his grand children.[color=red][By this point, the reader is completely lost.][/color] On another note he does not live in Surry, he lives in Sury,[color=red][So why'd you say he was from Surry earlier on?][/color] it?s totally a different place. [/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1]The smartest Ogre in history is Wobbert Swee Wicherdwon. He is famous because he actually discovered a scientific theory about rocks, which proved to be correct.(2) [color=red][I really like this footnote, although it could be phrased a little better, perhaps. I thought the idea was quite funny, actually.][/color][/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1][color=red][I don't know where this bit came from. The reader needs to be told who is speaking, why they're speaking, why they're in the sotry, and how they got there. Where they are originally would help, too. [i]I went downtown and met up with this fellow[/i], or [i]something[/i], just so that we know about this scene.][/color]?And then the cleric said; ?I think we should discuss this downtown at the temple?. [/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1]? Why can you only eat things that are green on Thursdays according to the God of grass and we can only eat red food on Thursnights according to Blazing-flameo the fire god. Which is right??? ?Excuse me sir, but you passed out. I think 15 beers were too much for you.? [/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1]?Listen, Mr Biscuit Butter Boil For 3 Minutes Until It Explodes Barman, You can?t tell me how many badger intestines beers are too much for me. Only the courts can do that. You have real pretty eyes.? [/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1]?I?m calling you a crab (3).? [/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1]?How dare you call me that, ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ?? [color=red][That entire dialogue scene wasn't very good. It seemed like an attempt at humour using random lines, and random isn't funny. It's confusing.][/color] (1): A Manpa is someone who just makes stuff up. Though like a Scientist, Manpa?s actually make up some evidence to support their theory (2):This was Ogre fact discovered by Wenwobbed Wiskiss, a Bard who sang to plants hoping they would grow so large that he would have an unholy army of daffodils. All that happened was he won Beraponds annual flower competition. [color=red][Again, I thought this line actually had quite a lot of potential. I'll delve into it further later, I think.][/color] (3):In Ogreopolis (the village that was once owned by Ogres) giant crabs are used for transportation because they are commonly found in the swamp and then the Village Council use the slave spell and then it saves them money. The Ogres don?t own it any more because they went back to Mt. Ogrekill for a day. Then they went inside their houses and they forget how to open the front door and the back door has those that family of nasty looking rats, so after 5 years the Clerics took over again. Though some people are still waiting for the Ogres to come back... [color=red][Huh?][/color][/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1][color=black]Okay, I've looked through all of that. This piece seems like you're trying to be humerous, but it just isn't coming through properly. You do come up with insights of things that are potentially [i]very[/i] funny. [/color][/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1]You have a lot of ideas in that imagination of yours, you just need to sort them out and feed them to the reader piece by piece, not just overload the reader with information. We don't know this world, we need you to lead us into it, see? [/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1]But it was a good start, and you shouldn't stop writing. Please, continue. I'd like to see what else you come up with. [/size][/font]

[font=Verdana][size=1]I agree with what most of the girls have said here. It isn't a matter of chivalry, so much as politeness. For instance, I open doors and car doors for my mother, my grandmother, and pretty much anyone who is older than me. I have no problem with people opening doors and being polite to me. [/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1]However, this whole PC thing sort of killed manners, somehow. It now seems like it isn't Politically Correct to be polite, as it's some kind of insult to whatever discourse this person belongs to. Of course, the whole PC this seems just odd to me -- while I can understand it in some situations, in others it's just ridiculous -- so I just ignore what's politically correct and focus on what's polite.[/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1]It sounds like your friend likes to use Political Correctness as a reason to be lazy, heh.[/size][/font]

[size=1]I haven't actually read William Golding's books yet, although I have it stored on my shelf waiting for the opportunity. Is [i]Lord of the Flies[/i] good? The use of repetition was good, and so was the idea. Everyone has a piece of evil inside themselves that they cannot escape. However, the emotion level this is supposed to arouse sort of doesn't, and it doesn't...ring true. I think it's partly to do with the story, Lord of the Flies, and also partly the idea the reader has of themselves. They don't think of themselves as having a patch of evil inside them, and therefore they don't relate very well. I think on the whole it's a pretty damned good poem. The lines [i]'You cannot escape me./You are my refuge.' [/i] were great, and the stanza and paragraphs were defined for great effects.[/size]

[size=1]*grins* Do you know, I had [i]exactly[/i] the same problem only yesterday. My computer had to go in for a complete re-installation, so all my cookies were very screwed up. The e-mail wasn't sending for me, and I couldn't get into OB at all. So I spoke to James, and he said he'd e-mail me the password -- he can do that. But that e-mail didn't come either. In the end, James went in and changed the password and told me the new one, so I could get in and then change it to whatever I want. *nods*[/size]

[size=1]*Has been wanting to reply all night* I thought it was [i]absolutely brilliant.[/i]. I loved it. Of course, it I'm biased -- the scene reminded me of some of the stuff I've written -- bizarre but true. So of course I've fallen in love with your writing style and will now be pestering you to continue. I'm afraid I can't really offer any critiques because to be honest, I really do love this scene, so, I'll just act all fan-girl-esque and: *squeals*. [/size]

[size=1]Well, I don't know what Kenshin is, so I'll forgive you, heh. First of all, there were an awful lot of ellipses [the ...] and some of them didn't seem entirely needed. Most ellipses are used in a quote, when something is left out [usually in articles], or as a trail-off in dialgoue [i.e. "Well..." Mary trailed off, looking behind her shoulder before continuing.], or as a blackout. [Which is often used in romance novels, heh. i.e. "That was they last they heard for a while..."] After an ellipse, unless it's a new sentence, don't worry about capital letters. Word does try to change them to capitals, but that's because it reads an ellipse as a full stop. It gets confusing if you do use a capital after an ellipse. The first two sentences were great, really fantastic. They were short and to the point. The third sentence, however, was a little rambling and confusing. [i]When I was refused death I can[color=red][You switched from past tense to present tense.][/color] no longer...[color=red][Why is the ellipse needed?][/color]wish to be a Samurai of truth[color=red][Do you mean a title, Samurai of Truth? It needs to be a capital, then. If you mean, "Truthfully," have a full stop after Samuria and cut out the of.][/color] I can no longer honor that [color=red][strike]no more[/strike][/color].[/i] [i]I am merely a lost soul looking for a signal, a sign that can bring me home. My home...What of it?where has it gone? I have been following down a dirt road of atonment stained with blood. [color=red][Great lines there!!][/color] My atonement? What I wished for is no longer in my grasp...[color=red][What did he wish for?][/color] [color=red][New paragraph.][/color]It takes to much strenghth to breathe...I have yet to breathe anymore[color=red]['Yet to breath anymore'? Bad phrasing, sorry. I can see you were trying to do the repeditive thing, yeah. But it came out wrong. The way you've phrased means something like, "I haven't begun to breathe...anymore." So perhaps something like "I cannot breathe anymore"?][/color] I have yet to do what I was made for on earth..I keep wandering around [color=red]in[/color] this pit called earth[color=red].[/color] I keep walking over the same sins I so desperately tried to get rid of. What have I done to deserve this? What have I said? I am a samurai of sorrow I carry nothing but my sword....nothing but the blood of a thousand men whom I have slain and never gave a chance to ask for mercy. And mercy[color=red]...[Heh. Use an ellipse here, I think][/color] what of it? I have none. Please this time stike me down...I deserve death please give it to me...[/i] *nods*So, that's my corrections and impressions. I thought it was quite a good reflective piece, actually. You just need to watch the ellipses and the tenses. So well done![/size]

[size=1]*blinks*...Fourty Two Images? Well, I personally do think that it is too much to post. A few images here and there are fine, but people's computers have to actually load these things. And when you say post them seperately, do you mean attach a new attachment to each post? That would require multiple posting, which is seriously prohibited. Perhaps if you just include the url next to it, so the pictures won't be needed? Personally, I believe that two pictures -- three at the very most -- is acceptable in a post. More than that, I just think it's going overboard, and I'll leave the thread. Hope that helped a bit.[/size]

[size=1]You know the poems you read and can immediately picture it as a song? Well, this was one of them. I thought it was fabulous. It was rhythmical and it rhymed and it had a message and a chorus and everything. ^_^ I agree with what Karma said, especially about the lines, [i]Murkiness at the end of the road Warped and twisted and skewed Reality exists no more Only you can see the truth[/i]. I thought they were fantastic. And, well, I thought the whole poem was fantastic.[/size]

[size=1]I'm going to go with unfinished? I think it's unfinished, unless you intend just to make it as a scene. It's a good piece, although if it were longer, the accents would probably start to get on my nerves. The reference to 'dyin cats' was quite good, and then referring to it once again as a 'banshee' sort of pulled it all together. *shrugs* I have nothing more to say, 'cause it's really short for your writing, and well...there's a story after it, and there's a story before it, but at the moment, there's no story that I can see, if that makes sense. *dies* Argh. It's a scene, is what I'm trying to say. Actually, I have no idea what I'm trying to say.[/size]

[size=1]It's a good piece. Very simple, very honest. Very vivid in your freedom. There are only a few things that threw me off, really. The first was when you had a line like [i]Colouring a vivid picture When stumbling across money In a long hot shower When lost in a good thought Surfing the internet[/i] And I had to re-read it, because I read the lines as "Colouring a vivid picture when stumbling across money," which didn't make sense. So perhaps instead of that, you could cut out the [i]when[/i]. It's already in the first line, so it doesn't really need to be there, even for the rhythm. The second thing is the first line in the second stanza. [i]Nevertheless I am freest when[/i]. Nevertheless means however, but, yet, even so. You've already stated that you feel freest for the things in the first line of the first stanza. So perhaps you could change the first line to [i]I feel free when[/i], and keep the second stanza as [i]But I feel freest when[/i]. I'm not sure how to incorporate the last part into the poem, unless you say something like, [i]When I'm with you, I'm free to Love, like, or hate Be angry or calm, etc. Because I know you care what I feel.[/i] or something like that. *shrugs* It's just a suggestion.[/size]

[size=1]Well, it seems a bit short. You could probably flesh it out more. However, good use of rhyme and rhythm. I think perhaps you should break the sentences into lines. Instead of [i]What is the point of living forever when forever may not last?[/i], perhaps you should use something like, [i]What is the point of living forever When forever may not last?[/i] Anyway, that's my say. I'd like to see the finished product.[/size]

[size=1]I think it might even be more effective if you use different colours or something for the names. It got a bit hard to sort out who was speaking. I think ym favorite line was this: [b]Dragon Warrior:[/b] No, he's not God, you retard! He's the guy who says things that occur that we don't say. Like so... [i]Dragon Warrior punched Shinmaru in the mouth.[/i] I thought it was absolutely classic! Well done, DW.[/size]

[size=1]Well, at the very least, it was interesting. The story was actually quite funny [well done!] and so it all fell into place. I hate the [i]Mr. X: I speak now[/i] sort of layout, but that's just me and it seems quite effective. So well done![/size]

[size=1]Well, it isn't bad, but it seems more a stream of consciousness than a poem to me. A poem often has a more...metaphorical/rhythmyical sort of approach. However, the sentiment behind it is very strong, very honest, which I love. So please, continue writing. Perhaps it's not the best you've ever done, but it everything is a learning process, and it's certainly on the upperhalf of things I've seen on the good/bad scale. ^.~[/size]

[size=1]Calm down now. There's no need to shout. It was the middle of the week before. The serious posting gets done now for me. So I'll have a look at your story, although I must warn you that IU've never seen and Dragonball or...anything to do with it. So this response will be purely literature-related/grammar related. First of all, I have a request of you. When you post, please keep a line of space between paragraphs. Simply indenting is fine for word, but it doesn't work here, so we need the space to be able to see better and to concentrate. It becomes hard on the eyes when we can only see a big clump. [I say this to most people, because I try to look at everyone's work, but it is hard to read without the spaces.] There should be a new line for each new speaker. So, for instance, [i]?It?s his turn to cook dinner and I?m not cooking again!? ?Oh I guess we could order pizza!?[/i] becomes [i] ?It?s his turn to cook dinner and I?m not cooking again!? ?Oh I guess we could order pizza!? [/i]. Just pointing that out. I think the problem I have in this story is that it doesn't follow what I'vealways been told is the golden rule in writing; [i]Show, not tell[/i]. For instance, instead of saying, [i]Kirai is now really old[/i], you can say [i]Kirai groaned with his old bones as he stood up, calling out to his grandchildren, Tyr and Fira. They had lost their parents...[/i] and so on. At the moment, the story is more of an explanation than a story, if you get what I mean. What I suggest you do is try to write in past tense for a while [present tense is very hard if you're just beginning] and describe what's happening rather than just telling us. It's a good idea, though. I think it will turn out to be a great story. So do some revision and such, and you'll be fine. [/size]

[size=1]*claps her hands* Oh, Soley, I can't believe I didn't look at this thread before now! I've only read the latest instalment, but it's truely brilliant. I like the concept of actual mod rods, and the Agent Smith was very cool. I don't really have any suggestions, except perhaps to keep going! ^.~[/size]

[size=1]Oooh, well done. I don't know which boards you're referring to, but from a literary aspect, I like it. I like the reference to ignorance; "hole in the sand", and I like the fact that it rhymes. Not many pieces rhyme anymore, but I absolutely love it when I come across poems that do. The poem has a beat behind it -- sort of rap-ish, even, which is cool. *nods* All around a good poem.[/size]

[QUOTE][i]Originally posted by Raiha [/i] [B][color=royalblue] Do you call love a wishy-washy thing?[/color] [/B][/QUOTE] [size=1]That's my point. Love [i]isn't[/i] a wishy-washy feeling, and, as such, she was not programmed to feel it. She [i]will[/i] kill Jason, but because there is no deep emotion felt -- she's [i]incapable[/i] of feeling it -- there will be no deep exploration of herself. Lena is a creation. If you are not genetically wired [and I'm speaking generally here] to feel something, you won't feel it. Lena can't love, and therefore won't come to the point where she isn't a creation.[/size]

[size=1]Well, some of you [those that participated in the thread, at least] would probably remember the story in Piles of Paper about the old man who littered his house with lemons. I decided to expand this idea [finally], and this is the result. I'm not too sure about it, but I figure at least it's done. So here's the story. It's 750 words, because it's for an assignment. So...yeah. [center]___________________ [b]REMEMBERED PROMISES[/b][/center] If you step into the front room of 21 Jacaranda Drive, the first smell to assail your senses will be the familiar citrus tang of lemons, followed by the smell of pipe tobacco, and finally, of pillow mints. When you look around the room, you?ll notice that these smells are far from random wafts of wind. Mr. Carmichael had deliberately and effectively created these smells by quite simply littering the room with lemons, tobacco, and pillow mints. When Mrs. Wenton asked about this, Mr. Carmichael just shrugged. ?Memories,? came the grunt. Mr. Carmichael turned his back on her then, his hands shaking as he used his cane to make his way back to his seat. Mrs. Wenton sniffed once, her thin bony hands clutching her Social Worker?s clipboard to her chest. Her brown eyes scanned the living room, face set into a mask of disbelief. There had to be at least two decades of [i]National Geographic[/i] magazines stacked in the living room alone. The pages were starting to curl with the humidity, and the citric acid all the lemons were giving off. ?Please, Mrs. Wenton, take a seat.? Mr. Carmichael?s voice was forceful; more suited to a middle-aged business tycoon than to a nonagenarian who littered his house with?[i]fruit[/i]. She perched on the edge of a simply hideous armchair. The pattern was probably from the 1950s, in a brown, red and green plaid. She noticed that part of the stuffing had come out of the arm, and inside was a breath mint. There was a lemon pushed down in the crease. ?May I ask you a question, Mr. Carmichael?? she asked, clenching her teeth and speaking in as sweet and unaccusing voice as possible. She hated these old coots, she really did. She didn?t understand why they wouldn?t just give up and move into a home. Oh, she hadn?t always felt that way. When she?d began her career as a social welfare officer, she?d dreamt of helping these poor people, of providing them with comfort and understanding. But she?d wasted twelve years of her life trying to help people who didn?t want help, of listening to complaints and insults with her teeth gritted and her smile plastered in place. ?Certainly, Mrs. Wenton.? His tone was pleasant, gentlemanly. If he hadn?t been such a stubborn old coot ? at least three case workers had tried to get him into a rest home, with no luck ? she probably would have liked him. ?What, exactly, is the reason for your, erm, unusual decorations?? She used the coffee table in front of them as an example. The top was littered with lemons and tobacco. There seemed to be breath mints covering every inch of the glass shelf underneath the table. ?Well, Mrs. Wenton,? Mr. Carmichael clasped his hands and looked her directly in the eye. ?I read in the National Geographic, Issue 172, 1987, that smells were often connected to memories. They did this survey, and 55 percent of respondents had a memory associated with a at least one of six smells they were given.? She wasn?t impressed by his memory. ?And what does that have to do with you?? A melancholy sigh escaped his lips, and he looked toward a framed photograph perched on the mantle of the fireplace. The woman in it was young, laughing at the person taking the photograph. Her hair was mouse brown, and up in a bun, but the smile in her face illuminated her entire expression. ?There?s a history of Alzheimer?s in my family. My wife passed away four years ago, and her biggest fear was that she would be forgotten. I promised her that I would always remember her, but Mrs. Wenton, I can feel in my bones that I?m coming down with the disease. I know the signs, Mrs. Wenton. I?ve read all about it.? The fear on his face was evidence that there was no doubt in his mind about what was happening to him. Tears filled his eyes as he went on. Much as Mrs. Wenton had grown to despise the welfare system and the job she was trapped in, somewhere in the pit of her stomach, a flutter of pity ran through her. ?But I love my wife, Mrs. Wenton, and I will do anything I can to prevent her from being forgotten. If that means littering my house with fruit and tobacco, then I will.? Mr. Carmichael took a deep breath. ?Because a promise to your wife is a promise forever.?[/size]

[size=1]Well, I'm not really one for debate, because I believe everyone has their own opinions and interpretations, especially in literature. Besides that, I prefer to stay out of conflict unless I feel strongly about it, and in this case, I don't. Just so I don't kill this now, though, I suppose I'll state my point. I might contribute more, but...if someone feels like debating this, feel free to wade in. She is a machine. She is not programmed to feel love, and, as such cannot feel love. However, she has been programmed to feel the...wishy-washy feelings. Nothing strong, nothing that stands out. Although made in the image of humans, she [i]isn't[/i] human. And with that can come a feeling of inferiority. Loving makes her human; something she wants to be. Therefore, the death of someone she wanted to love would not affect her as much if it was someone who [i]could[/i] love. They're using each other. *shrug* Whatever. I do prefer to stay out of debates, but if Raiha feels like replying, I'll see what I can do.[/size]

[size=1]The end seemed to me to be slightly odd. She's killing him by holding his hand? That's the impression I get. Now, I can understand him somehow dying through something to do with his bones being crushed but, her "etiquette protocol prohibits inhumane execution.?...does that apply to pain and crushed hands to? I know I'm probably missing something, but if you could explain I'd be very grateful. I have to say, first thing I thought when I started this story was "Terminator." It just sort of...screamed of it in the beginning, to me at least. But then I went on and it sort of took it's own flavour. The romance, I think, is part of it. I have a question, though. I suppose it can be rhetorical if you'd prefer it to be. Is he in love with her forever -- in the true love kind of way -- or is he simply infatuated with the most beautiful person he's seen. I'm probably not supposed to get this out of it -- lord knows my interpretations are usually wrong, anyway -- but I get the feeling that they are almost...using?...each other. They both want to be in love, so they [i]are[/i]. He wants to rationalise his infatuation, and she wants to [i]be[/i] human, if that makes sense. Eh, just a undertone I got out of it. You can tell me if I'm way off the mark. The writing is fine. There's not a lot of description in between the dialogue -- and dialogue is often the 'padder', so it's an interesting sort of swap you've got there. I suppose you could add some more description, although it seems fine as it is. Well, thats about all I have to say. It was a very good story. Well done.[/size]

[size=1]Very nice poem, Raiha. It's simple, it flows, and it even [i]rhymes[/i].The feeling is resigned and a little sad, but definately hopeful and determined near the end. It's a 'loved and learned' kind of poem. I really don't think you should change anything. It's really quite a marvellous poem.[/size]

[size=1]Okay. Not a bad story, really, although it can improve in several ways -- like most stories can. Please use spaces in between paragraphs. You do that sometimes and don't others. It gets hard to read. A new speaker means a new line, so keep the one-line space between them, too. It really helps us readers, heh. First of all, I don't like the first paragraph -- the one in bold. It's all an explanation, things that -- in my opinion -- should be able to fit into the story and be explained bit by bit. For instance...[i]Chris -- my best friend -- had broken dinner with me and my family to go on a date with [/i]Rachel[i].[/i] Or something like that. So it will all sort of slip into the reader's conscious, rather than being bombarded by information when we don't know the characters. I don't understand the second paragraph. Who is Ms. Sagnier? And what does that have to do with Prince Charming? Or April Fools? Is this scene a flashback or something? Perhaps you could indicate that in the next paragraph -- make it clear. In this paragraph, I think you should add a tie between Dad cooking and Dad designing furniture, for instance: [i]My Dad's a good cook. He can cook any dishes. You name it. [color=red]He cooks in his spare time.[/color] He's [color=red]actually[/color] a furniture designer. You can see his product at IKEA. [color=red][New paragraph here][/color]On the way down the landing, the phone rang. Hoping it might be Chris, changing his mind about the cancelled date[color=red],I picked up the phone.[/color] "Hello?" I asked. "Meg! Open the door! I forgot to bring my keys!" he [color=red][Who is he? Meg's brother? Or Meg's brother's friend?] practically shouting in my ear. My blood was boiling. I wouldn?t open the door for him, if he treats me like this.[/i] I think if you stop and read it form the point of view of someone who doesn't know who the characters are, then you'll be able to clarify a bit more. But really, it has potential. You just need to clarify and try to show us what's happening, rather than tell us in a paragraph in the beginning. .:Asphy:.[/size]

[size=1]You know, I've been meaning to post in here for a few days, but for some reason I always got sidetracked. Anyway, you can tell this hasn't been revised, but that's okay. With revision it will become a lot smoother. The problem I have with this piece is the [i]Dubber 'F'[/i] thing. I mean...I suppose if it were a nickname, I could accept the '' around the F, but it seems to be a classification, like 236. You wouldn't say Dubber '236', you'd leave it as 236 without the inverted commas. I think you should just get rid of them. They're very distracting, especially when you use the term as much as you do in the piece. I think you need to get into the mind of the character more. [i]Why[/i] does F hate 4Kids Studios? Why does he hate dubbing? Is he disillusioned about it? F has a lot of seemingly irrational anger. I think at the moment F is a very one dimensional character. He isn't very deep. The reader can't see what his thoughts are, except for what he says -- and what you say isn't always what you mean. With revision, this piece [i]will[/i] become a lot smoother. When you start to include details of his surroundings -- what F's apartment looks like, why he hates the dubbing [or why he got into it in the first place], and why he's angry, this piece will become very good. ^_^ Cheers, .:Asphy:.[/size]

[size=1]Don't delete the thread. Threads are used as reference points, so even if the idea is rejected now, there'll still be something to look at in the future, or to play off. I mean, if, at some point, James decides to do something about a Newbie Initiation program, he'll want input and go back to this thread, see? So you shouldn't delete the thread just because the idea was rejected. However, we've had things like introduction forums before, and while it was all well intentioned, it did turn into a spam fest. Befriending Newbies is quite easily done. You just find one you think you'll like, and PM them.They'll become more at ease when they start posting more.[/size]