Lady Asphyxia

[font=Verdana][size=1]Digital Boy, I'm confused as to exactly what you think [i]is [/i]a poem? The way I define poetry would be something that tells a story and or relates a meaning, in a relatively short way, in the layout of a poem. Having metre and rhyme 'and stuff' does not constitute a poem, because freeform is a vaild style. And Fallen Angel's poem is [i]most definately [/i]a poem, because it has an obvious poetry form and is [i]intended[/i] to be a poem. So what if she chooses to tell a story within this poem? How does that in anyway negate the fact that it's a poem? Telling the story and involving the reader is a [i]good[/i] thing. Frankly, if you don't have anything to say or any story to tell, I have to wonder why you write? Fallen Angel, I have to disagree with Digital Boy. Yes, you're telling a story in this -- and for that I applaud you. To me this poem is sweet, it's sad, it's practical. It's disappointed but realistic. It's a good poem, and a good story. There is one thing that made me wince, however; [i]T[/i][/size][/font][i][size=1][size=1]hen he was like, "Thank you.[/size][/size][/i][size=1][size=1] Please god, [i]never[/i] let me catch you using the phrase 'then he was [i]like[/i], "[words]"' [b]ever[/b] again. It's just too preppy and not enough poetry. It made it too...Valley Girl; [i]"So I said to him, like, "I'm not taking this crap," and he was like, "Well maybe I don't need to either" so I'm like "Yeah, sure, whatever," and that was like, it." [/i]So all up, I have to say that I like it. It's good, it's cohesive, it tells me something I didn't know. Poetry doesn't need to be ridiculously complex to be good, so I'm going to say, "Well done". ^_^[/size][/size]

[size=1]Whee. I love the way you manage to have an amazing rhythm and flow at the same time you keep a meaning coming through. You're consistant all the way through it; you aren't just throwing out words because they sound pretty -- you actually have a reason for using the words that you are. I find it really hard to crit lyrics, because obviously you have a melody in your head that I can't hear, and I don't know what you mean to do with each line. Where I might think a rhythm is too short in one section, you might have an extended note planned or something. So, I can see a couple of places where the rhythm doesn't quite fit, mostly in the last stanza of the first song: [/size] [size=1]I hear you saving me.[/size] [size=1]I'm not afraid[/size] [size=1]And what I saw upon the wall[/size] [size=1]Was just a shadow after all[/size] [size=1]And you said it couldn't hurt me[/size] [size=1]And warned to stay away[/size] [size=1]But promises are meant to be broken[/size] [size=1]While the ghosts are out to play. [i]I'm not afraid[/i] sticks out as being too short, while [i]but promises are meant to be broken[/i] seems to be too long. For the latter, you could probably replace it with [i]But promises are meant for breaking. [/i][Or even 'made' for breaking]. Like I said, however, it's very hard to crit it, because you are so good and what you do, and I don't know your intentions in terms of the anomolies. So all in all, I think these are excellent and as always I am in awe of your talent. ^_^ [/size][size=1] [/size]

[quote][color=DarkOrange]without rythm, meter, stanzas, rhymes, or language which appeals to the senses[/quote] [size=1][color=black] I have to disagree, Digital Boy. Freeform poetry is a very common and accepted form of poetry these days. You can't just ignore its existance because you don't like it, which is what you seem to be doing. [Also, it's rhythm. ^.~] In fact, freeform poetry often uses a conversational tone, too. I do agree with you in some respects, however; Dark Storm, do look up a thesaurus -- just by typing in 'dark' in [b][url="http://thesaurus.reference.com"]thesaurus.com[/url][/b], I came up with these:[font=Verdana] [/font][/color][/size][/color][i][font=Verdana][size=1]aphotic, atramentous, black, blackish, caliginous, clouded, cloudy, crepuscular, darkened, dim, dingy, drab, dull, dun, dusk, duskish, dusky, faint, foggy, gloomy, grimy, ill-lighted, indistinct, inky, lightless, lurid, misty, murky, nebulous, obscure, opaque, overcast, pitch-black, pitch-dark, pitchy, rayless, shaded, shadowy, shady, somber, sooty, stygian, sunless, tenebrous, unlighted, unlit, vague. [/size][/font][/i][font=Verdana][size=1]As for light: [/size][/font][i][size=1]ablaze, aglow, bright, brilliant, burnished, clear, cloudless, flashing, fluorescent, glassy, glossy, glowing, lambent, lucent, luminous, lustrous, phosphorescent, polished, radiant, refulgent, resplendent, rich, scintillant, shining, shiny, sunny, unclouded, unobscured, vivid, well-lighted, well-lit.[/size][/i][size=1] This doesn't even take into account that I didn't search 'darkness', etc. ^.~ [Just make sure that you don't fall into a trap of using a word when you don't know its meaning, yeah?] I think, while you put in a lot of effort, the thing that's lacking from your poetry is focus and vocab. Since I've already linked you to thesaurus.com, which will hopefully help with the latter, I'll move onto the former. Focus mostly comes from editting, which is something that, as a writer, you [i]have[/i] to do. When you read this poem, ask yourself; "What is it that I'm trying to say?" Generally with a poem, you'll be able to reduce it down to even just a sentence. You might even have a metaphor or simile as what you're trying to say. In this case, it could be, "I was in the dark until you brought me into the light." or you could even include some sort of simile and/or metaphor you want to explore in your poem; "I was locked in the darkness [which, by the way, I read as 'depression', since that's often a metaphor for it], until you gave me the key", or whatever. Once you have [i]your meaning[/i], you go back and revise. What do you have there that isn't necessary, or is just plain redundant? For an example, I'd direct you to this line: [i] But my light and your light equal pure light[/i][/size] [size=1]Think about what you're saying here: Light plus light equals light. Doesn't that seem a little silly to you? I understand what you're saying, though -- you and the other person together are stronger that alone, etc. but you can phrase it in a way that isn't redundant, eg; [i]Our lights together set the darkness ablaze[/i], or something like that. So when you edit, just go through each line piece by piece. Ask yourself; "Do I need this line? Is it adding to my poem? Is this the best word for what I want to describe?" Once you've gone through piece by piece, read the entire poem. If you notice any repetition, e.g. of dark and light, then circle it every time you see it. That way you can tell exactly how much you've used it, and you can take steps to get rid of those words by replacing them. Onto [b]Binding Chains[/b]. There were a couple of errors I picked up on; [i] Let the chains the once bound you bind chaos, [/i]"Let the chains [b][i]that[/i][/b] once bound you bind chaos". [i] Let the world be cleansed and started a new, [/i]"Let the world be cleansed and started [b][i]anew[/i][/b]." One word. "A new" is used to describe a singular thing that is new, e.g. a new bike. "Anew" is used as "over again". What I really think you need to do here is to find your meaning, again, because you seem to be contradicting yourself here. This is what I'm reading: [i]1 [/i] Let the chains binding you break [i]2 [/i]Let 'the god of destruction' bring chaos and sadness [i]3 [/i]Let it go wild in our land [i]4 [/i]Let chaos' womb hold the child of darkness [i]5 [/i]When he is born the chaos & armageddon begins [and never ends] [i]6 [/i]The only way to [i]stop[/i] chaos is to accept it and leave it be [i]7 [/i]In our world chaos has to exist [i]8 [/i]For our world to survive [i]9 [/i]Cause the next armageddon [i]10 [/i]Let choas end the good in our world [i]11 [/i]Destroy anyone that opposes [chaos] [i]12 [/i]Finish this world and start it over again [i]13 [/i]Let the chains that once bound you bind chaos [i]14 [/i]So the armageddon can happen [i]15 [/i]Let the world start over [i]16 [/i]Just start the world over and help us forget. [/size][size=1] Let me just pick out the contradicting points; Line 2 says the god of destruction will bring chaos, and line 3 says let it run rampant. [i]Then [/i]in line 4, you say let chaos' womb hold the child of darkness, which is fine, but you follow it up by saying that his birth will then [i]bring chaos[/i] [which obviously doesn't work.]. In line 6 you say the only way to stop chaos is to leave it be, but in line 7 you say our world [i]needs[/i] chaos in order for us to survive [which makes no sense to me, by the way.] Then you go on to say that the 'god of destruction' should bring the next armageddon -- even though the child of darkness is already bringing it in line 5, along with chaos. Then you want the chains that bound us to bind chaos [line 13], in order for the armageddon to happen [even though they came hand in hand in line 5]. So this piece is very contradictory and very confused. You need to work out your meaning and then re-write this piece, I think, paying more attention to what you're actually saying. You do have some good lines in there, definately, but I think you're becoming wrapped up in the words you're saying and not paying attention to the meaning. But that's okay. We all do it [believe me, I have a piece where I had no clue what I was actually saying], and it's a learning curve. Making mistakes is the best way for us to learn. You have a flair for the dramatic, obviously, but the way to make this poem better is to concentrate on the meaning for now. ^_^ [/size]

[font=Verdana][size=1]Okay, before I start, I just want to skim briefly through a couple of things. First; 'ninja' is spelt with a 'j', not a 'g'. If you want to have something in your title, please double check the spelling of it first, eh? The second thing is just something to keep in mind when you post [i]anything[/i] on the internet; it is actually very hard for the human eye to read things on the computer. The best way to get people to read what you want to write, is to make it [i]easy [/i]for them to read. Space it out: add a space between a full stop and the next letter. If someone speaks and someone else replies -- make a new line for the second person, like so: "I don't believe it!" Exclaimed Jane. "No, really, it's true," he replied. It just makes it easier to read and to follow. Consider, also, putting in some bold text or italics to add emphasis where you want it -- it can make all the difference. ^_^ Onto the story itself -- the thing that jumps out at me when I read it is the fact that it goes [i]very[/i] quickly. I myself am not that knowledgeable about Naruto, so I find it difficult to read because I don't know that characters. Take the time to slow down, describe the characters and what they're doing, describe where they are, what they look like, what they think. Draw it out. I was a little confused with Kakashi and the running. I didn't understand it I'm afraid, or why he did it. I'm not saying that you should cut it out, but you need to explain further. If it's because he...saw?...the new girl, then perhaps you can add a line saying something like "he looked around alertly, dectecting something the others couldn't see, then broke into a sprint" - or something like that. You have the plot down, sure, you just need to make sure that you describe as much as possible so that we, the readers, see what you see in your head. [/size][/font]

[size=1][b]Boy: [/b]Hey, do you have any Irish in you? [b]Girl: [/b]No. [b]Boy: [/b]Do you want some? [img]http://otakuboards.com/images/smilies/tongue.gif[/img][/size]

[QUOTE=White]However, May 21st, 2006, he was re-invited to join the staff as Moderator of Play It and accepted. He later became CATegory Moderator and remains in that position right now.[color=DimGray][font=Tahoma] [/font][/color][/QUOTE] [font=Arial][size=2]He wasn't re-invited, he was [i][b]begged[/b]. [/i]I'd also like to add that he was the creator of such banners as the 'Bwarble' banner, he was my adopted...Grandfather (?)... (or was it a drunken uncle?), he's one of the only people who really had PT's respect and could actually shoot him down, he's a great debater, and his dramatisation of the Mitch/Alex incident was a masterpiece likened to Shakespeare. ^_^ He also blackmailed his way into his CATegory Moderator Status, on account of Des forgetting his birthday... :p He's a mentor to many people, and a friend to many, many more. Also, Charlie, I'm almost postive that you were [b][i]only[/i][/b] a mod when the Newbie Thread went up, because I started speaking to you on AIM [i]just[/i] after you became an Admin, and I certainly wasn't talking to you for at least 3 months after that thread, because you quoted my posts as being spam. :rolleyes: Uh, that's all. [/size][/font]

[QUOTE=Sandy]I'm certainly interested in this project, it's been great to see the information grow during the weekend, and I really hope it will continue expanding in the future (so that this isn't just another of those two-week projects OB has seen during it's long history). My only grit is that currently Otakupedia is so heavily focused on nostalgy and reminiscense - generally stuff that the majority of the current active memberbase hasn't experienced. I haven't even seen any requests to make articles about current members or recent happenings in this thread yet. I guess I just fear that this project alienates the newer members and turns into an oldie fest... :/[/QUOTE] [font=Arial][size=2]I disagree. I think this way it becomes more open to newer members. They'll start to understand the in jokes that otherwise, they just wouldn't get. It's also an exercise in inclusion -- [i]everyone[/i] can contribute, and more than that, they can see every point of view. If you still have an issue with it, there's really quite a simple solution; add a feature about something that you think is current and up to date. ;) And Boo: I was the N.F.P. Queen and look where I am now, lol. If James was holding grudges, I'd be in serious trouble. :p The Newbie Lounge was great fun though. I don't think I've enjoyed myself on that level since. [/size][/font]

[font=Verdana][size=1][color=DarkOrange][center][color=#e36601][center][color=#E36601] The Truth She missed this. The keys, the ink, the books. The words in her head. Nothing there anymore. No thoughts. No characters. No stories. Just a white piece of paper. Daring her. Such a big part of her life. And now? 55 words. She can do it, surely. She starts typing. She writes her biggest secret. [/color] [/center] [/color] [/center] [/color][/size][/font][font=Verdana][size=1] [/size][/font]

[font=Arial][size=2]Ooooh, I'm making claim here: The Newbie Lounge. Will edit this post shortly with the entry. Also, perhaps we should have a request list in the first post? [b] EDIT:[/b] [u][b]The Newbie Lounge[/b][/u] The Newbie Lounge existed until November 2002, when in was shot down in a ball of flames that was largely the instigation of Charles, who was at that point a Category Moderator. It was a forum dedicated to Introduction Threads, and had been in place since Version 2. Posts in the forum did not count towards a post count [which was still in evidence at that time]; the only other forum to do the same was Suggestions and Feedback. There have been several ?rounds? of welcomers in the Newbie Lounge. The first included Justin, jc, ssj chic and Sara. Later, groups including Mist and D_A were posting. During the last incarnation of the Newbie Lounge, posters such as Sere Tuscumbia, Lady Asphyxia, Dues Ex Machina [Now Dan L], Rain, Lalaith Ril, and Duo Maxwell to name but a few. It was the home of in-jokes that steadily evolved until new members no doubt had no clue what was going on when they were greeted with posts such as: [quote]Originially posted by Lalaith Ril Hey whats up! Hope you enjoy your stay! Please follow the rules! If you need help with the rules you can PM SERE TUSCUMBIA, and if you want some insane person to talk to you can PM me! (PM means Private Message by the way) If you plan on staying here I must warn you that many people are like me, insane. Pleaing Insanity, Bryan P.S: Beware of Lady A...she's scary! P.S.S: Ha I beat everyone to here![/quote] [quote]Originally posted by Circeus A little messed up? That's an euphemism... For future reference, I doubt you'll get one welcome even remotely sane. Welcome here, have a nice stay around. Need anything? PM the mods! Need help? PM the N.F.P.! Beware the bewares, and please look out for funny smelling goudas![/quote] [quote]Originally posted by Lady Asphyxia *pokes her tongue out at Bryan* Meenie! I am not scary! *fwaps you over the hea with the Rolling Pin of Justice* The N.F.P Circeus is talking about is the Newbie Forum Patrol...Sere Tuscumbia and myself. And he's right. PM me if you need help, obey the rules, and don't spam, or I'll fwap you over the head with the Rolling Pin of Justice! *hands you a green bee*[/quote] The title of Newbie Forum Patrol was given to Sere Tuscumbia and Lady Asphyxia in the [b][url="http://otakuboards.com/showthread.php?t=16255&page=8&pp=15&"]Rolemodel thread[/url][/b], and the in-jokes kept on evolving. Jokes included Green Bees, rubber duckies that stole virginity, the Rolling Pin of Justice and the Frying Pan of Justice, socks and even sheep. It was a badge of honour to the N.F.P. that they posted in every thread in the Newbie Lounge, and, as they did, the posts became crazier and, co-oincidentally, spammier. Together, the two leaders in a matter of months posted over 250 times, in a forum that was relatively slow. [u][b]The Downfall of the Newbie Lounge[/b][/u] On the 5th of November, 2002, Charles created the [u][b][url="http://otakuboards.com/showthread.php?t=17094&page=1&pp=15"]Down with Newbie Lounge: The Petition[/url][/b][/u] thread. Amid much controversy [including that generated by Mnemolth ? who still maintains that the Clown and Businessman analogy was misrepresented by everyone], the Newbie Forum was deleted, and with it, the last spam hub of Otakuboards. Not since has there been such intense spam activity.[/size][/font]

[font=Arial][size=2]Welcome to Otakuboards, poluroud! To answer your question, to post a message to PM, go to the sidebar on the left, and follow the link that says, "Private Mesages". From there, choose the "Send New Message" link, and you'll get to the send screen. ^_^ If you have any other questions, feel free to PM me, or you can check out the [b][url="http://www.otakuboards.com/faq.php?"]FAQ[/url][/b], which answers some of the common questions. Unfortunately introduction threads aren't allowed, so I'm going to close this thread. But if you have any questions at all, feel free to PM any of the mods. ^_^[/size][/font]

[font=Arial][size=2]DarkAngel2.0, please do not post off-topic posts and conversation chatter in sign-up threads. Just edit your thread, instead. And sasuke, it would avoid clutter and stop you from posting one liners [which are almost spam], by simply posting a list of people you're accepting once everyone has signed up -- or including that list in your original post and editting it when you accept someone else. ^_^ [/size][/font]

[font=Arial][size=2]As one of the mods who were around when the ratings system first came in, I think it's important to understand both sides of the debate. When the system first came in, it was being completely ignored. I sent many, [i]many[/i] PMs to [often] the same people, asking for their rating, reminding them that they need to post the thread, following up, changing the rating. So the process included; seeing the offending thread, writing and sending the PM, getting the reply, and then editting the thread. To change one thread would often take at least several days, which was ridiculous. Now, we see the offending post, and we lock the thread. Problem solved. That said, I tend to think that ratings are all subjective, just like most cases when you become a moderator. If a member is new and has missed it, I try to explain sincerely why their thread is being closed. It's important for all the Arena moderators to keep in mind that although we've closed numerous amounts of unrated threads, the people whose threads are being closed haven't always [i]posted[/i] numerous amounts of unrated threads -- and I honestly believe that all the staff in the Arena keep that in mind. If anyone forgets a rating, my best advice would be to [b]edit your thread to include it in the post, even though it won't show up on the main forum page[/b]. I know that I, and all the other Arena mods that I've spoken to, will simply edit the thread to include the rating you've added. It takes us all of two seconds, and we aren't unreasonable. We know very well that you can't edit thread titles on the main page, so we do keep an eye out. To be honest, I would absolutely dread having another 'edit rule' come in. It's time consuming, frustrating and it felt pointless. As for the E, PG, and M ratings; when it first came in, we discussed which ratings to use in depth, and we revisited the issue after we'd brought them in. We felt that it would be too difficult to bring in a new rating and stop people from becoming confused. I would think that most ratings on the boards would be PG. The way I define PG, honestly, is 'not E, but not M'. It's the inbetween, sort of the blanket rating. [quote][/size][/font][color=DarkOrange] Look at it from the eyes of a new member. Somone they've never met or heard of is basically telling them that their post isn't good enough. Some people take it in stride, but I wouldn't hold it against someone to take that to heart. There are some times when it feels like you're being looked down on in these cases.[/quote][color=Black][size=2][font=Arial]I don't think it's like that, at all. I always check when I close a thread to see how long a member has been there; whether they're still a new member or not. If they are, I will always make sure I explain it properly. [quote][/font][/size][/color][/color] [font=Arial][size=2]Welcome to OB Anthology, madwitch5! Before you begin posting here, I'm going to get you to read the OB Anthology Basics, which you can find [b][url="http://otakuboards.com/showthread.php?t=44313"]here[/url][/b]. It has details on all the rules that are specific to OB Anthology, including the Ratings System. The Ratings System requires all creative threads in OB Anthology to have a maturity rating, such as [E], [PG] or [M]. Any thread that does not have that rating must be closed. However, you can recreate this thread with the appropriate rating. Thread Closed.[/quote]I don't honestly see how that could be offensive to a new member. When it comes to thread ratings, it's all subjective. If I know for a fact that a member almost always posts a rating and has just forgotten [and you can pick it up quite easily, just be searching their past threads], then I'll PM them. If a member is just ignoring the rules, I'll close the thread. If it's a new member, I'll close the thread and explain it as fully as possible. If they need further help, I'll give it. At the moment we have [b]seven[/b] moderators in The Arena, four of which [not including myself] are in Adventure square. I know for a fact that all of these moderators are very active, and very good at their jobs, but they aren't always online at the same time. So how do we keep that kind of communication up, to have an 'edit, close' system? I think the best thing is to make it clear to new members that they are more than welcome to create a new thread, and leave it at that. When the new software comes in, it should be much easier, and until then, I think we should leave it as it is. It isn't the perfect system -- nothing ever is -- but it's a temporary one, and I think it's preferable to the alternatives. [/size][/font]

[font=Arial][size=2][b]Since we've officially begun NaNoWriMo, how is everybody going? [/b]Me, I'm three days in and behind already. But it is completely not my fault, I swear. I was out of town on the 1st due to a funeral, and then because I'd gotten so run down getting to the funeral, I woke up on the 2nd sick as a dog. The third is going better, however, and I've bumped up my required words per day in order to make sure I get there. Hopefully I'll do good. Although I'm still sick and that's kind of tough to do. [b]What's your current word count? [/b]At the moment, I'm 2 days in and on...800 words, which is kind of crap. I'd planned to have 3000+ by now, but, like I said, the best laid plans can be ruined. So, that's about it from me. How is everyone else going? [/size][/font]

[font=Arial][size=2]You know what? Yes. I was so excited about it when I discovered it in December last year, and I decided I wanted to do it, then I forgot about it. But you reminded me, so [i]yes[/i], I will. Thanks Ozy. ^_^ [I have to go to the Gym -- now possibly the last time for a month, haha, but I'll let you know more of my thoughts soon]. [/size][/font]

[font=Arial][size=2]Look, I'm going to let you in on a centuries old secret; the Cult of Tepfordsae Iveswae. It's very much like the stonemasons, but actually secret and for women. For generations, women have grown up, moved into the suburbs, had children and attempted to join this secret membership. Unfortunately, one of the requirements to join this group is that you have to accumulate points to gain membership, much like one would frequent flyer points. Getting books banned is one of the activites that will gain you points. The Tepforsae Iveswae have a 'hit list' of sorts out, and on the top of that list is the Harry Potter books. My theory is that this woman has not been able to complete any of the other activities [such as justify your racial prejudice by hating only [i]all[/i] minorities, rather than just one], and so she must of course go for the 'big book ban' in order to gain membership. Other books on this hit list are ones such as "To Kill A Mockingbird". Now, I must ask that you don't tell anyone outside of this thread that I've divulged such secrets to you. [/size][/font][font=Arial][size=2]The Cult of Tepfordsae Iveswae are dangerous about their secrecy. So how would I know? Because really I'm a 37-year-old member of the Cult, sent to keep an eye on what the youth are thinking, rather than the 18-year-old Australian I've led you all to believe. [color=Silver][size=1]Seriously, though, I think when we consider those in history who have burnt books: Machiavelli, Hitler (I think...at the very least he restricted what you could read), Mao, most dictators in general...it's easy to see that there's really very little credibility to be given to someone who wants to burn a book they've probably never read anyway. Personally, I think people who want to burn children's fantasy books are hicks who have nothing better to do. If we're following that train of thought: why have the stories of camelot, or even Halloween, or Santa Claus or ...well, anything remotely unnatural? Also -- there's a talking donkey in the bible?!?! [/size][/color][/size][/font]

[font=Arial][size=2]Guys, since this thread is to discuss an actual RPG that is in existance, it needs a rating, which I'm sure you know about, to be able to create said RPG. ^.~ Therefore, this thread is closed, however, you can recreate it with the appropriate rating. Thread Closed.[/size][/font]

[font=Verdana][size=1]I have to be honest here. For an article, it's kind of...blah. Now I don't study Journalism -- my knowledge of it is limited to what I learnt in High School English, and we mostly dissected articles, not wrote them -- but it seems to me that it's too in-between. From what I see, articles generally come in two formats. One is where it's just the facts, without much personal stuff. "This happens on this day, this many people were killed." It's the kind of reporting you tend to see on the news. "Today in Lebanon, fighting resumed after a temporary peace treatease was broken by revolutionist soldiers"...or whatever. [Made that up, by the way. I don't know what's happening in Lebanon at the moment at all, heh.] And then there's the 'interest piece' articles, where the story and all the facts almost take second place to the emotional persuasion the writer is using. It tends to use emotional language to pull the reader in. "slaughtered" instead of "killed", for instance. It also puts the writer's personal view into, and it becomes quite opinionated, although it still enlightens and provides information while you read it. The latter is where I see you going with this piece. You have the basic foundations; you have the first person, you know your facts. What you need to do is write this in a way that will make me sit back and [rightly or wrongly] go, "This is [i]much[/i] worse than anything I've ever heard before!" Don't be afraid to include your own opinion (in terms of language, particularly). Use emotive words, words that will get a reaction. [quote][/size][/font][font=Verdana][size=1] When asked of the most horrifying events from our world history, I imagine that most people will answer with Hitler?s attempted destruction of the Jews, or how Stalin killed millions of his own people in his bid to make Russia a powerful force. However, the Chinese will always remember the horrifying months from December 1937 to March 1938 when the Japanese army attacked China?s capital city, that of Nanking.[/quote] My advice in this paragraph would be to cut out the "I imagine", so it becomes "When asked about the most horrifying events from our world history, most people[/size][/font][font=Verdana][size=1] are likely to answer..." Then, instead of using [i]However,[/i] I would enter with something like "Lesser known but just as horrendous is the attacks against the Chinese in the months from December 1937 to March 1938, when the Japanese army attacked their[/size][/font][font=Verdana][size=1] capital city, Nanking." [Also be wary of using horrifying twice in one sentence.] If you say, "The Chinese will always remember", my automatic response is "It's just some country-specific event and why should I care?" Try to make it as audience-encompassing as possible. ^_^ My suggestion, too, would be to cut the paragraph talking about how you found out about the event. I don't think it's that relevant, really. It doesn't add much to the article itself, and serves no ultimate purpose, unless you're writing a book review, lol. The best advice I can give you is to come up with the angle you're going for (generally a short sentence). Probably it's something along the lines of "The Nanking massacre was really bad and it's worse because they won't admit it happened." And then write to that. Every sentence you write should somehow strive to make us believe that. It should add to our conviction when we read it. Don't just report on the events, [i]emote [/i]on them. [Hehe, it sounds so dirty. :p] The occasional short and punchy sentence can hold a lot of effect [and they're fun, too!] I'd also take a look at the structure; maybe tell us what the horrifying event was, and then mention that it's worse because they won't admit it. Ultimately, I think you have a good, solid foundation. If you edit and revise it, I think you can turn it into a captivating and compelling read. [And then post it up here, because I think you've got a lot of potential. The line, "Perhaps the saddest thing..." was great.] So, yeah. Find your angle and write to it. [/size][/font]

[font=Arial][size=2][quote name='Charles'] Reveal thyself, rouge![/quote] Either I'm missing some obscure reference or I'm just not getting it... [I don't know, Charles is rouge because he likes to paint his face?...Because he's red with blood?...], or this is supposed to be rogue. :p [quote]Now you will be Thane of Hardwired if you complete the task I desire.[/QUOTE] [i]Love[/i] the Macbeth reference, hee. I'm taking it as a personally inspired nod because of our conversation the other day. Cause that's the kind of girl I am. [/size][/font]

[font=Arial][size=2][i]Everyone ...here ...power too... [/i]The words seemed almost stronger now, although they still faded in and out a bit, like a radio that wasn't quite tuned properly. Elodie stood uncertainly underneath a tree, watching the group of people. She'd been there for a couple of seconds; had spent several minutes wandering around, without a clue of what to do. Most of the group were her age; she could tell that one of the girls was several years younger, probably early teens, if that. They were clustered in a group, huddled quite tight and staring down at something between them. She stepped foward, hesitantly. "Is this..is this the group meeting?" she asked with a tremour in her voice. They looked up, and one shrugged. "Yeah, this is where the group is, I suppose." The speaker had flaming red hair. She smiled. He'd be hard to miss in a crowd. Several others had reacted favourably to their being described as 'the group'. It seemed odd to her that people who were showing up for group therapy were surprised by the fact that they were a group. The younger girl turned to her. "What's your power?" She demanded forcefully. Elodie stared. "Excuse me?" "What's your power?" "Uhm...I don't have a power." She said solemnly. "I'm just here for the group meeting. You know...therapy." "Why?" The girl demanded. Completely taken aback, Elodie could only ask, "Why what?" "Why do you have to have therapy?" "Oh," Elodie replied, tucking the whispy strands of white blonde hair behind her ears in what was obviously a nervous action. "Well, um, actually, I think I'm going insane. I, um, I keep hearing voices in my head." Relieved to finally get it off her chest, she confided, "For instance, just before I heard someone say, 'Everyone here has power too'." She shook her head and gave a small, nervous laugh, missing the surprised reaction of the brown haired boy on her left. She didn't miss anything, however, when he replied solemnly, "I think you should join our little group." She gave a relieved, rare, smile. She liked this group of people, very much so. It seemed almost like she'd known these people for a very, very long time. Which seemed a little odd, considering that she'd never immediately trusted people in her life. It just...it felt like she could. The group turned back into their little circle as she joined them. The redhead turned to the others and asked, "Who's next?" [/size][/font]

[font=Arial][size=2]Since I figure we need some orange, how about Papaya, coming off the A in elephant? [In orange, of course. ^_^][/size][/font]

[quote name='White][color=DimGray][font=Tahoma']Your comma is in the wrong place in the title. It should go after Brother if anything (think of the comma as a pause).[/quote] [font=Verdana][size=1][color=black] Uh, White, darling, the comma is there deliberately. If you take your own advice and think of the comma as a pause, then read it. It's like lyrics. They rhyme. If you're having trouble, see the comma as a slash; "O brother not another/ OB parody". The brother and the "another" rhyme, as do "OB" and "parody". Split Keyblader, I think the issue I have with this is that it has no reason. I don't understand why you're in the coffee shop, I don't get why you go somewhere else, and I'm a little confused most of the way there. Also, some description would be nice. [Just something else to add to White; frankly, writing about the people you know on OB is the problem I have with OB parodies. Enter the Net was so good because it was universal. It included many, if not most of the active members of the time. To be frank and selfishly egotistical, I have little to no interest in an OB parody if it doesn't involve me, so I think expansion is a good idea. I'm all for it. I think it's good that he's writing something he doesn't know.] [color=DimGray][font=Tahoma][/font][/color][/color][/size][/font][/font][/color]

[font=Arial][size=2]She didn't hear it, exactly. It wasn't a sound on the ears, like a normal voice. It wasn't even those insanities that kept coming to her -- those voices she kept hearing that weren't really there. It was more a thought in her mind. [/size][/font] [center][indent][font=Arial][size=2][i]I need to meet them. [/i] [/size][/font] [/indent][/center] [font=Arial][size=2]She couldn't shake the feeling, however, that the thought had been [i]placed[/i], and not her own. Which led her to the conclusion that she'd been dreading for months now; she was insane. These voices in her head, the thoughts that weren't her own, the whispers she could hear when there was no one else around. There was only one possible reason -- she was skitzophrenic. Sure, the normal paranoia symptoms didn't seem to be in place, but she'd never heard of anything else remotely resembling it. And who was [i]them[/i], anyway, she asked herself as she stared blindly at the book she'd been reading. It was all well and good being told to meet people, but barring a time, date, place and name, there was no way she was going to go anywhere except the crazy bin. In fact, that wasn't such a bad idea. She'd go look for a doctor in one of the neighbouring suburbs -- or even towns -- so that no one would know who she or her family was. The business listings would surely have a doctor who specialised in mental health. She started flipping the pages, scanning them as she went. One in particular caught her eye, so much so that she couldn't look away; "Out of your element? Meet others like you, with doctor Matchell's program. Park at rear." She stared at it a couple of seconds, then jotted down the address. It wasn't far. She could take a bus. Oh, [i]why[/i] did she have to be insane? [/size][/font] [center][font=Arial][size=2].. [/size][/font] [left][size=2][font=Arial]When the bus set her down, she was standing in the middle of a street, not a medical practition in sight. The bus driver had set her down, and when she'd tried to check that this was the right place, he'd just smiled and said this was where she needed to be. She turned around. Nothing. Just some dumb park, and [i]Hello? Hey! Who are you? [/i]Her face turned grave, but she ignored the voices and looked around again. It was just some stupid park which... -- Matchell Park. Could it possibly be a coincidence? Perhaps the group therapy took place in a park. That made sense. Crossing the road and stepping onto the grass, she looked around and called out, half hoping no one would be there. "Hello?"[/font] [/size][/left] [/center]

[font=Verdana][size=1][color=darkgreen]You know, I had an [i]entire[/i] post for this, and I almost posted it, too, and then [b]poof[/b], gone. So I'll try again. [/color][/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1][color=#006400]I think what Alan said is interesting. I've done Business Organisation Principles as a subject and a huge part of the coursework is about ethics in business. Corporations are being held responsible for a lot more these days than ever before. Many spend millions each year funding events and sponsorship which won't get them any new customers or income, but will keep them in the 'good books' with those who know them. [/color][/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1][color=#006400]What happens is; they sponsor, say, a "Save the Tasmanian Tiger Foundation", which involves a high publicity fun run. People who care about saving the tasmanian tiger will then see said publicity and go, "Oh, look, they really care about the environment. I'm going to choose them over one of their faceless competitiors." [/color][/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1][color=#006400]It sounds like another marketing scheme, doesn't it? But the thing is, if the companies aren't involved in these schemes, the backlash is huge. People now [i]expect[/i] the company to be involved in charitable contributions that do not directly affect the business.[/color][/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1][color=#006400][/color][/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1][color=#006400]The company should now care about a lot more than it used to, which is definately a good thing. Accountability is good, much better than when they could do what they want and no one could stop them. [/color][/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1][color=#006400][/color][/size][/font] [font=Verdana][size=1][color=#006400]That said, it really ticks me off when people get up to water their gardens at midnight when we're in a drought, and then get all het up about the 'evil corporations destroying the environment'. Um, hello?[/color][/size][/font]

[quote][size=1][i][b]#7[/b][/i][i] That which was once lost, Now can be done at a very low cost. Once forbidden by the administration, Many now fling ourselves into without hesitation.[/quote] [/i]I'm going to guess [b]name change.[/b] [/size]

[list] [*][font=Arial]Aint That A Kick In The Head[/font] -- [size=1][b]Robbie Williams[/b], [i]Swing When You're Winning[/i][/size] [*][font=Arial]Cannonball[/font] -- [size=1][b]Damien Rice[/b], [i]O[/i][/size] [*][font=Arial]No Milk Today[/font] -- [size=1][b]Herman's Hermits[/b], [i][I Have No Clue, It's A Compilation From A Friend of Mine][/i].[/size] [*][font=Arial]When the Sun Goes Down[/font] -- [size=1][b]Arctic Monkeys[/b], [i]Whatever People Say I Am, That's What I'm Not[/i][/size] [*][font=Arial]Losing His Touch[/font] -- [size=1][b]Jack Off Jill[/b],[i] Clear Hearts Grey Flowers[/i][/size] [*][font=Arial]O Yeah[/font] -- [size=1][b]End of Fashion[/b], [i]Big Day Out 06[/i][/size] [*][font=Arial]Introduction[/font] -- [size=1][b]Panic At The Disco[/b], [i]A Fever You Can't Sweat Out[/i][/size] [*][font=Arial]86[/font] -- [size=1][b]Green Day[/b],[i] Insomniac[/i][/size] [*][font=Arial]I Wanna Be Your Dog [/font]-- [size=1][b]Iggy and the Stooges[/b], [i]Big Day Out 06[/i][/size] [*][font=Arial]Know It's True[/font] -- [size=1][b]Evermore[/b], [i]Dreams[/i][/size] [*][font=Arial]Some Might Say[/font] -- [size=1][b]Oasis[/b], [i]MTV Unplugged[/i][/size] [*][font=Arial]The Last Song[/font] -- [size=1][b]Foo Fighters[/b], [i]In Your Honour[/i][/size] [*][font=Arial]The Girl From Back Then[/font] -- [size=1][b]Kings of Convenience[/b], [i]Versus[/i][/size] [*][font=Arial]Rock the House[/font] -- [size=1][b]Gorillaz[/b], [i]Demon Days[/i][/size] [*][font=Arial]As Ugly As I Seem[/font] -- [size=1][b]The White Stripes[/b], [i]Get Behind Me Satan[/i][/size] [/list] [font=Arial][size=2]I think that this is not a bad representation of what I listen to, although it's not altogether accurate. I go through phases, like most people, and my current phase isn't really represented in there. It's very much upbeat, gonna dance myself retarded kind of music. I've always loved anything with the big bass beat and a nice guitar, so that should come through, I hope. [/size][/font]