Writing Memories

[Sui Generis]

Ok I'm writing a story and I'm not too far yet, I already have most of it planned out just wanted to see how its coming via you all. So C&C wanted! Also right now the title may not make sense but as I go on I'm sure it'll start making sense...Also it deals with mature content...Abuse and such.




[b]"People say the past never comes back. Then how come everytime I look at the scars on my arm, the memories flood in?"[/b]


It had been another late night. Dad had been drinking again, and it was my turn. The usual sounds rang through the house; Mom screaming, glass and plates shattering, Father yelling, and the occasional thud of me hitting the wall headfirst. Naturally our neighbors heard it all and called the cops. Father expected this (after all he did it at least twice a week) and even though he was drunk he slithered his way out of it again. Apparently I had been skateboarding in the house and had fallen into the China cabinet. This explained the blood pouring down my face, the broken china, and the pieces of skateboard strewn all over the floor. The cops being the noisy people they are asked me if this was true. With a quick glance at my dad I knew I had to lie, or else it was only going to get worse. Besides, who would believe me anyway? So with a straight face I lied to the officers. It was my duty as a son, keep my perfect dad out of jail. The officers bought the story, and even offered us an escort to the hospital. I shook my head stating it was only a small cut and that I'd had worse. Which was true, just not from an "accident." The officers looked at me for a moment, then nodded. Pleased they walked back to their vehicle. No doubt they'd enter yet another "Domestic Disturbance" file into our already over flowing record.

I woke up early the next morning, at four if you want to be exact. I quickly turned off the alarm hoping not to disturb my loving Dad. I then crept into my mom's room, and took the make-up from her cabinet. With the make-up I walked silently to the bathroom. I looked at myself in the mirror, there were a lot of them, cuts and bruises that is. I shook my head, luckily last night wasn't bad, thanks to the cops he had stopped early. I looked down at the assortment of make-up and frowned, the foundation was running low. I sighed and slowly squeezed the tube letting the gunk ooze out onto my fingers. I then began applying it onto my face, putting more on some places than others. I winced as my fingers slide over the cuts, the foundation made the cuts sting like hell. After I was done with the foundation, I quickly applied some mascara and eyeliner to add more color to my face, and hopefully cover up my black eye. To some the thought of boys putting on make-up was ridiculous, but I've grown up doing it all the time, attempting to cover up any incidents of the previous night. Of course that probably why everyone calls me "***." I finished applying the make-up and smiled, I'd done a good job. Stepping out of the bathroom I made sure not to make any noise. With my arms full I snuck back into Mom's room. I stood at the side of the bed watching her sleep. Did she really care how I felt? She told me she loved me, then why did she let him do this too me? I stood there for a second longer then put all the make-up back where it was making sure everything was in the exact same place as it was before. I then walked back into the living room and grabbed my backpack. It was time to go to my other hell. I decided to skip breakfast and slid out the door. I walked out of the house and trudged in the darkness towards my school....


School...I sighed. School was a sanctuary for some just like home was. To me they both were Hell. I shivered slightly it was just starting to get chilly outside, and father still thought it was warm enough for me to go with my torn clothes. I rubbed my arms and felt the goose bumps all over. I began walking faster. It was to cold, I decided to take a short cut. I jogged over to the side of a house. It was John's, my only friend. There was a light on in his room, he must've just woken up. I decided not to bother him, his mom would give him a ride so he didn't need to be ready for another hour and a half. I hoped over his fence silently and walked through his backyard. I hoped over the back fence and continued walking. I thought about the night before as I walked. Why hadn't I told the cops? What did it matter they wouldn't have listened anyway, would they? I shook my head. What did it matter? I sighed. Who cares! I looked down to see my clothes. My jeans were torn at the knees and the bottoms frayed. My shirt, if you could call it that, was frayed at the sleeves and had a huge tear in the right shoulder area. I looked like I'd gone to hell and back. I chuckled at this thought. I was going to hell, and then I'd go back. What a coincidence. I looked up again to see a car slowly driving towards me. As I looked at the car I noticed it was a '69 Shelby Mustang. I sighed, it was Frank. The "everyone wants to be like him, Mr. Perfect, rich, popular kid." As the car came next to me it stopped. "Hey ***! What's with the clothes?" Frank laughed at me, so did the others in the car. He then grabbed something and chucked it at me. As it hit me it exploded, the warm liquid covering my body. It burned. I flinched as it ran down my back. Hot coffee, I sat there as the car drove off letting the coffee drip down my face. I held back the tears. School was back to torture me again. This year it was high school, freshman. More like fresh meat.

Again critics more than welcome, comments as well! I know its not really that great yet, but please suggest things anyways. I'll continue posting this as I work on it.

[Biida]

[color=skyblue] More, Bryan! More! YOU WILL POST MOREEEE... *sob* :p

Anyway. ^_^ Its really good. Definitely captivated me. So get your lazy butt goin, big bro. :D [/color]

[Ykonis]

WOW! That is really emotional dude! I am begging you to write more! I can really relate to that story and it kind of helps me to know that others feel what i feel... ne wayz, plz plz plz write more!

[Delian]

Great so far, although I do hope it's not from any personal experience...

Please continue:)

[Silent Death]

It's really really good.
PLease continue PLease

[Lady Asphyxia]

[color=darkred]Well, I have only one suggest. Try to lay off the "I..." in sentences. Its repeditive. Try to change the sentence structure around so you start with something else.

Other than that, its fine. Continue, please. [/color]

[Sui Generis]

Thanks for all the compliments guys! And Lady Asphyxia I'll try that in my next paragrpah see how it works out! Of course it'll prolly be much better! *shrugs* Anyway I should have some more up pretty soon, I would've had some up yesterday but I was alittle busy! Again thanks for all the compliments!

[Phantom]

It's gripping....very.

LadyA....step back and realize how/why/when he might use the word "I" so much....but thanks for pointing it out, it will help him to enscibe this potent topic...

[Lady Asphyxia]

[color=darkred]Actually, MK, I was giving CC from the reader's point of view. The reader is the audience. Besides, I think it was great. First Person is hard to control with the 'i's, because there's no other way to describe yourself. However, from a readers' point of view, it becomes repeditive. If either (or anyone else) took it the wrong way, then try to view it from my perspective...I [i]am[/i] trying to help.[/color]

[Sui Generis]

I shivered. The once warm coffee was now cooling off, and the wind had picked up. It was colder than before. Was this really from the coffee or was it from something else? Every step taken seemed to bring more thoughts in my head. Maybe it was because I was alone? I laughed. What kind of answer was that? Dad was right, I am weak. That was the end of my thinking. I shoved my hands in my pocket and continued on my walk. It was still dark out. Nothing moved, there was complete silence. Looking at my hands I realized I was shaking. I sighed. What I needed to do was relax. I flipped my backpack off my back and allowed it to hit the ground. A dull thud echoed through the street. After scattering my books I found what I was looking for. I smirked. My dad's lighter and a pack of Camels. I slowly lit one of the small cigarettes. Taking in a long drag I smiled. Mom said I shouldn't smoke, it was bad for me. That made no sense, I can't smoke yet Dad was still around. He was far worse than any cigarette. I sat down and savored the cigarette; the small red embers at the tip were the only lights in the baron street. Halfway through the cigarette I stood up. Time to get to school. I had roughly an hour to go.

That hour dragged on forever. I had just finished my third cigarette when the school appeared on the horizon. Kids were already entering the school. Cursing under my breath I trudged the rest of the way angry with myself. I normally arrived before everyone else. Doing this gave me time to put everything away and get to class before anyone got the chance to beat me up or tease me. As I walked in more people were staring at me then usual. Sure I had my fair share of stares, but many just ignored me. This bugged me, I was getting way to many stares, something was up.

I sighed and began walking towards the green double-doors of the entrance of my school. As I was about to enter two people came to me. Rob and Evan. I sighed. They had fun torturing me everyday after school, yet it seemed today I was lucky enough to get an extra helping. They walked up to me and pulled on my backpack. This threw me off balance, and I stumbled backwards. They laughed and began pacing around me as if I was some animal they had been hunting. Suddenly Rob burst into Laughter. "My god the ***'s make-up is running!" Evan barked a laugh and seizing the opportunity moved in for the kill. "Here let me fix that for ya buddy!" I backed away slightly. "No its-" before I could finish the sentence Evan landed a forceful punch on my mouth. I stumbled back and spat some of the free flowing blood out of my mouth. My mouth was covered in blood. Rob smiled, and grabbed me. Evan smirked then began walking towards me. I struggled frantically to get out of Rob's grip. Rob pulled my arm behind my back, then began pushing up. Pain shot through my arm. I winced. "Better stop or else it'll get worse," Rob remarked spitely. He pushed up harder to emphasize "Worse." He wasn't afraid to break my arm and I knew that. Evan barked a laugh when he reached me. He smirked then raised his arm back. "Here it comes.." With a devious smirk he punched me in the stomach with all his might. My body rose into the air from the force of the blow, I then fell to the ground. All oxygen that was in my body was now gone. My stomach gave a lurch and I began coughing. Blood came flying out with every cough.

Rob and Evan pleased with themselves walked into the school laughing. I struggled up and began wheezing. I then walked into the school building, and headed for the bathroom. As I reached the bathroom I walked in. The bathroom was empty; I walked towards the mirror. As I looked into it I mutter, "Welcome to hell."


I tried your advise Lady Ashpyxia, what do ya'all think?

[Sere Tuscumbia]

One thing Bri(yes, it's still Br[I]i[/I]. It just looks better.). It's not baron, it's barren. A baron is a lord of some sort.

Still as good as ever, but a bit hard to read. Try separating your story into paragraphs. It keeps (as least for me) you focused on what you're writing, and as the reader, it makes it easier on us poor ADHD children who can't read back and forth in long paragraphs.

You've got good description, and you really get into the personal feelings of the main character.

I await the next part, so get your butt in gear and write! ^_~

[Phantom]

Ok this is a good time to expect less critisism on small words, and look at the possitive aspects of the MEANING... not the grammatical correctness. Im sure he is looking for an editor at any moment now to proof read his work....anyway, we all have our opinions on how we critique stuff...I, certainly am not the best person to critique anything, but, yea thanks for coming out... Guess you dont look at writing for what its worth literally.

Bryan...Keep it up man...Just watch your grammar, you'll have it down...I expect its harder to write when its....this type of topic.

[Delian]

Bryan, your story is coming along great. I don't have anything to offer in terms of advice, cause the other guys have already mentioned them but keep the great work and don't make me wait too long for the rest of it...o.k:)

[Lady Asphyxia]

[color=darkred]Its good Bryan. Hmm...there are some sentances in there that can be combined instead of having just two words in there, for example:

[quote]Sighing, I realised what I needed to do was relax.[/quote]

Instead of,

[quote]I sighed. What I needed to do was relax.[/quote]

Basically, it just makes it flow better.

Honestly, Bri, you're a really good writer. Keep going. Please? *puppy dog eyes*

Keep going Bri. (I hope it doesn't seem like I'm picking on you, I'm not trying to) :nervous: [/color]

[Sui Generis]

Don't worry you arn't being to critical Lady A, I want all the criticism I can get. Although all the compliments are really encouraging. Thanks guys!

I tried seperating them, but thats the part I'm worst at so sorry. I don't really know how to seperate paragraphs.

[Sere Tuscumbia]

Heh. Had this problem myself . . . er, two years ago I believe. Really, what a paragraph [I]is[/I], is when you separate out the whole story into little parts. When you change paragraphs is when different people are speaking, or different people change actions, or when a different thought comes around in a story. I.E.-- (I just took a completely random part out of this. Closed my eyes and highlighted until I got the right post.) (the "---"'s indicate paragraphs)

"---That was the end of my thinking.
---I shoved my hands in my pocket and continued on my walk. It was still dark out. Nothing moved, there was complete silence.
---Looking at my hands I realized I was shaking. I sighed. What I needed to do was relax. I flipped my backpack off my back and allowed it to hit the ground. A dull thud echoed through the street.
---After scattering my books I found what I was looking for. I smirked. My dad's lighter and a pack of Camels.
---I slowly lit one of the small cigarettes. Taking in a long drag I smiled. Mom said I shouldn't smoke, it was bad for me.
---That made no sense, I can't smoke yet Dad was still around. He was far worse than any cigarette."

Not sure if anyone will agree with me, but the way I paragraphed that small section is the way I paragraph my stories. I'm going to be posting the first chapter to one of my stories ( I [B]will[/B] publish it one day dammit! ) soon, and just look at the places where I changed paragraphs. Different people, different actions, different places, anything and everything makes a difference.

And MK, really, I don't enjoy correcting people on their grammar, but once you've lived with my sister for fifteen years (she's always correcting my grammar), I've gotten in the habit of correcting spelling/grammar. Seems to help in the long run. And although it drives people insane, they [I]do[/I] do it right.

And originally, Rae, your spelling drove me insane. However, through my sister (almighty almost-everything guru), I learned that you Aussies still use the British way of spelling everything. The only reason that Americans use different spelling was because some crazy weirdo in America decided that he wanted the spelling different because America and Britain were two different countries, so they shouldn't have the same spelling. (this was way back when everything was written out. Go figure.) So this insane dude went in and changed every word that he could to make the spelling look different. (ah, the things you learn through your Biology teacher.) And thus, the good ole U S of A's "realize" is Britain's "realise", and "pried" is "prised", and also "theater" is "theatre". There are oh-so-many others but I really can't think of them at this time.

Thus ends my ranting post.

--Sere

[Lady Asphyxia]

[color=darkred]Yeah, Sere, I know what you mean. It was really hard to get adjusted to typing color when I wanted dark red >.< And you all drove me crazy as well, until I began not to care one way or the other... ^.^" [/color]