Writing Realistic Fiction Short Pt 1

[TheDarkOtaku]

[B]This short is just a little something I wrote. I'm still thinking on a title.[/B]


Ms. Laremo was infuriated. After the hours of tutoring this "degenerate", he still fails the course. "Mr. Patton, I'm not sure if you'll graduate this year. Do your parents know of this situation?" James Patton just stood in front of her idly while his classmates groped at each other to exit the cramped classroom.
His overwhelming fear took hold, as Ms. Laremo continued her tyrade. "James, you have the lowest average in the school! This is a disgrace!" The now extremely downtrodden James trudged out of the room without even acknowledging his teacher. "Look, there's James! Pudgy Patton! Hahaha!" The malignant adolescents tossed napsacks and various writing instruments as he slowly trodded down the hall. "Going to the dance tonight, Pudgy? Better not, 'cause the girls won't even want to look at you!" His peers laughed and continued to mock him. "How pathetic.", James said as he pulled open the double glass doors from his school. Mom was going to be very aggravated for him being tardy a third evening in a row.

"I'm home!" The back porch slider opened with a thud. "James, honey, your late again. I think it's time somebody lays down the law." Yep, she was mad. James could always tell when he heard the forced, calm, relaxed voice his mother so precisely perfected. "Mom, you know how the teachers are. They're always commanding me to succeed." Mom just shook her head disdainfully at his poor excuse for a lie. "James, I know what has been going on. You have been academically and socially flunking in school. Are your friends giving you a hard time?" It had boiled down to this. James was confronted with telling his mother every detail about his "home away from home." Mrs. Patton took it all in. An hour later, dinner was ready.

Mashed potatoes and salisbury steak wasn't exactly what James had in mind for his dinner, but he ate without sharing his two cents. Mother and father discussed what he had so reluctantly told them. The family collaborated on a decision. They wanted their son to attend the Friday night dance in the auditorium. "Look, I'll just stay home. I have alot to accomplish this weekend. Maybe if I stay up late enough, that essay could be out of my hair before tomorrow." "Well it's up to you, of course grades come first." His father sat impatiently, waiting for a response. "Well, maybe I'll go. Just to see how it is." "Okay then. Remember, back before ten o' clock." James nodded, and darted to his room to get ready. Of course he was going out, just not to the school function. He was going to take a little visit to Cosmo's Comics for what he felt was more important. He packed away his allowance, left the house, and began on his journey to the shopping center downtown.



[B]Alright, tell me your opinions. Negative ones welcome. I will continue if you like it and want me too. Thanks![/B] :)

[Lady Asphyxia]

[color=darkred]Well done. However, try not to use so many adjectives after someone spoke. It seems to bog down the story itself. Can't type more, I've got to go - school. Sorry. Will review alter.[/color]

[Guest 1 m h0m0 4 3v3r]

Is good. Yes.

[Mitch]

[color=red] Nice. Except, the last bit of it. Always indent and space when a conversation is going on.

But, other than that, very nice.[/color]

[Lady Asphyxia]

[color=darkred]Missed that. Danke, Mitch.

Let me see...in the first paragraph, I think you should start in first person; in James' first person, instead of the teachers. Iono why, it just seems strange to use her for a line or so then change. Maybe its already in his first person, but you should make it more obvious: [b]James could see that ...[/b]

Or something...like I said before, well done...[/color]

[TheDarkOtaku]

Thanks for the compliments. :) I understand what your saying Lady A about the story being in first person. I was having an internal conflict over it. I thought it would turn out better like this. But, your right. So thanks for the help. Thanks to you too, Mitch. (BTW I love your writing style. Excellent work.) :)