Writing Tradition

[Lady Asphyxia]

[color=darkred]Well, this is (despite what I said about not touching it again) a companion piece to Perfection. However, whereas Perfection was a true story, this one is completely fiction. I wanted to see if I could take my life, and turn it into someone else's life. To be honest, I'm a little disappointed. But have your say...


[size=1]I turned around slowly, after watching the graves of my family for long hours. Careful not to startle the nervous man my brother had become, I studied him silently. His blonde brow was tainted with sweat, eyes worrying about whatever mistake he?d made this time. ?This is the last time,? were my only words. He nodded silently. Both of us knew the lie by now. We both knew that we?d return next year at five p.m. on the 29th of March, and that we?d both stay until the late hours of the night. However, neither of us wanted, nor needed, to recognise the lie.

And, to be honest, lying to ourselves was natural by now. We lied to everyone. Friends, family. Especially family. They were big on lying. There was no love in our family. No pride, no affection, no respect. Only one thing kept our family from falling apart. Tradition.

It was tradition that we gathered into our little groups every Christmas. Tradition that we sat talking, as if we were all perfectly normal, when none of us really were. We all understood that my branch of the family were incomplete. However, tradition dictated that it wasn?t mentioned. So we pretended to eat our Christmas dinners, ignoring the tense silence that bounced off the walls around us.

Another long-standing custom was the repressment of emotions. There was no crying allowed in my family, no weakness to be shown to the elders of our group. And so, it was tradition for my family to cry themselves to sleep, their faces red, eyes blotchy, stomachs retching up the food they hadn?t eaten, all in an effort to be silent as they poured out their misery wave by wave.

The year passed quickly, of course, as they do, and once again, I found myself standing at the graves of my family. Father, Mother, Sister. Crash, Fire, Suicide. This ritual was one I knew well. First we?d greet each other, embracing awkwardly. Then we?d converse about the children, or lack thereof, on my part. Finally, I?d sit down in the cane wicker chair, and start talking about whatever I thought of, trying to begin the healing therapy I always used.

And I had always used it. After the first death, I?d speak about things my younger brother couldn?t remember, to make him cry instead of fight. I did that now, telling him about the way Mum used to do her hair, or how Dad used to smell. And I?d bring out the little bottle of after-shave, and splash some on the graves. He?d pull out the flowers growing in our old back yard, and throw those down. It continued, the sweet torture of memories long forgotten, until one, or both of us, broke down. That was when we finished, bowing our head silently, letting our thoughts drift away.

And then we?d lift our heads, and I?d proclaim, ?This is the last time,? and I?d climb into my car and drive off, content that, for a while, at least, my misery would stay at bay. [/size][/color]

[liamc2]

Good piece of literature there, a rather surprising control of emotions from someone younger than me, very surprising in fact. Pity that it was wasted on something slightly depressing, sorrowful even. Pretty much a beacon of light on the harsh reality of a modern emotionally deprived family.

Keep up the good work.

And stop bothering me with depressing things like this, or any of those disturbing harry potter fanfics you dig up...:shifty:

[Lady Asphyxia]

[color=darkred]Shush. I pester you with nothing. Saide does that.

I'm only a little bit younger than you. Like, a year or so...

I'm all very complimented, even though I made you read it cause no one else was replying ^.^"[/color]

[Dan L]

Yet another person forced to read this thread

I thought it was.. good.. to be honest. I'm not much for huge descriptions of why something is good.. All I can say is that you're beyond my level of criticism when it comes to this sort of thing ^^;

[Rain]

[QUOTE][i]Originally posted by Deus[/i]
[b]Yet another person forced to read this thread[/b][/QUOTE]

[color=blue]Ditto.

Anyway, Rae, that was good. I'm not an expert on literary works, but it kept me interested, so it's good :D. Well, now I have to go find 'Perfection'. Is it on here?
So, keep up the good work Rae.[/color]

[Lady Asphyxia]

[color=darkred]Yeah, it is, second page I think.

And leave me alone. Nobody read it. [i]At all[/i]. I was getting desperate. Hell, if you hadn't posted when you did, I'd have called Cloricus in. In fact, I think I will. Soon. Meh. Maybe.

And you know, critism is welcome... [/color]

[Spikey]

[COLOR=green]That is truly a piece of art. I couldn't even do that good. It touched me, and hardly anything even comes close to doing that. That is very good. *Runs over and corner and cries.[/color]

[Mitch]

[color=red] Very melancholy. I didn't realize the first piece of this was actually a true story.

And, yet, I know that you say this is fictisious, yet I know that some of it, maybe the emotions, the pain, is true.

I really don't know you, Lady A, but this piece was quite dawning and compassionate upon me.

Of course, certainly it could be improved, but where it is is fine. I hope that you will continue this little story, it gives me insight into your pain as well as your motives.

Keep going, and don't stop. That's all I say.[/color]

[Mnemolth]

[QUOTE][i]Originally posted by Lady Asphyxia [/i]
[B][color=darkred]
And you know, critism is welcome... [/color] [/B][/QUOTE]

You really shouldn't have said that. :)

And you should have waited. I had read it, and was going to reply, but alas my friends draggd me away from the computer (we're kinda in a huge partying mood at the moment, being the end of the university year and all). :D

I enjoy reading the stuff you write. It shows promise. Of course, on occasion you do succumb to the common pitfalls that seems to plague all teenagers, but its all good cos everything is a learning experience. :D

For this particular piece, I think you might have extended yourself just a bit too far. Which is not really a bad thing, its good you're experimenting and pushing the boundaries.

However, 'Perfection', in my mind, was a better work. More honest and closer to heart, it was both endearing and sad at the same time. This piece reads well enough, but it comes off just a tad bit contrived.

Try not to over use the device of 'And' to start sentences. It can become repetitive. 'Repressment', to my knowledge at least, is not a word. There were a couple of other grammatical errors, but nothing to be overly worried about. Second paragraph, the single word of 'Tradition' does not sit well there for me. I would have preferred something along the lines of 'The rigour of routine'. Yes, the story is about tradition but you don't really need to hammer it in our heads.

Overall, its pretty good. There is an annoying feeling that something rings false, and this is probably because you've stretched yourself too far.

For a 9th grader, I would give 'Perfection' an A.

This I would rate a B+.

Good job. As I said, a lot of promise. But do read more and write more, or else that promise will not be realised. And that would be a shame. ;)

[Sere Tuscumbia]

^_^ One of the random few that wasn't pressured into reading this (or so my PM box tells me . . .)

It's good Rae, but not the best you could do. It's a bit hard to understand, and in someplaces it doesn't flow the smoothest it can.

However, it has potential to be better, if you edited it a bit.

But, otherwise, keep up the good work. And pick something [I]happy[/I] to write about. I'm tired of the depressing crap.

--Sere

[Lady Asphyxia]

[color=darkred]Okay, I'm impatient. We [i]all[/i] know that. Or we should.

Like I said before, I was actually quite disappointed with it. It doesn't really flow that well, and seems...I'm not sure. Like you said, Mnemolth, Perfection was better. I have no idea if repressment is a word, but I felt like using it. It probably isn't.

No, Sere. you weren't pressured into reading this, 'cause I'd gotten 3 people to read it already, and I couldn't be bothered PMing you as well. However, I'm glad you did ^.^ All of you!

Critism [i]is[/i] always welcome. Do you know, I havce never had [i]anybody[/i] tell me when my work is crap, and so I never know what I've done wrong when I get bad marks at school. So critise, damnit! ^.^ okay. I'm at school, and can't take long.

And sorry for any errors, this keyboard is horrible, and so is the mouse. -.- [/color]

[Mitch]

[QUOTE][i]Originally posted by Lady Asphyxia [/i]
[B][color=darkred]
Critism [i]is[/i] always welcome. Do you know, I havce never had [i]anybody[/i] tell me when my work is crap, and so I never know what I've done wrong when I get bad marks at school. So critise, damnit! ^.^ okay. I'm at school, and can't take long.

And sorry for any errors, this keyboard is horrible, and so is the mouse. -.- [/color] [/B][/QUOTE]

[color=red] Ok, if so be it. I shall dawn mine evil cap of evilness death MWHAHAHH...

Ok, this one isn't better at all in comparison to Perfection.

It's so obvious it was contrived, that it is fake, that it ruined it all for me.

Plus, I just didn't feel the emotion I did in Perfection. And being a fake and pulling it off is what all writers learn to do, as you shall eventually, I do suppose. Delve more into the emotions of the characters rather than just throwing it in our faces and saying 'yeh, here' actually tell of the emotion. Also, don't make time pass so fast. It makes it even that much more obvious that it is fake, being that the transition and change within characters is hard to amount.

Although, I do admit, for a 9th grader, this is pretty [i]damn[/i] good, if I shall say so. If I were you I'd rewrite most of this and present it the better to us here.[/color]

[Lady Asphyxia]

[color=darkred]Thank you. That is what I wanted. Criticism. (And thank you Mnemolth for correcting me ^.^)

I know what you mean. I'm really bad at writing subtly, something I still have to learn. ^.^" I will eventually.

I didn't actually mean to make the time pass that much. I was going to have just the one night, but I think I lost the plot somewhere. ^.^"

And Sere, happy is coming. Soon. I want to see if I can do that without making it trite and cliched.

Once again, thank you, Mitch. ^.^ seriously, continue.[/color]

[liamc2]

[QUOTE][i]Originally posted by Lady Asphyxia [/i]
[B][color=darkred]
Critism [i]is[/i] always welcome. Do you know, I havce never had [i]anybody[/i] tell me when my work is crap[/color] [/B][/QUOTE]

For good reason too!

*runs away from the pain and the hurting...and the more pain and hurtyouchieness...*

[Lady Asphyxia]

[color=darkred]...You posted in here of your own free will. o.O

Is the good reason that its good, or that I'll hurt you if you say its bad?[/color]

[Sere Tuscumbia]

[QUOTE][i]Originally posted by Lady Asphyxia [/i]
[B][color=darkred]
And Sere, happy is coming. Soon. I want to see if I can do that without making it trite and cliched. [/color] [/B][/QUOTE]

Happy better come soon. Any more of this depressing crap, and I'll have to torture you all with MY depressing crap. And my depressing crap's just strange . . . Oo;;

And, (bad me, bad me! Argh, can't help myself.) I do believe that trite and cliched mean the same thing. Argh. Damn my Creative Writing teacher for teaching me these things . . .

And no critism from me. Not my style. I just tell you that your thing is crap.

And, well, it's crap.

However, maybe the happy will be better, eh? But, be warned, too happy and you'll be hurting. No one wants a fairy tale here.

--Sere

*edit* looked up the words 'trite' and 'cliched' as best as I could, as of the fact that the dictionary has gone missing, and they both mean 'stereotyped'. So, they pretty much mean the same thing.

[Mist]

[color=crimson][size=1] Very, very nice. Actually, it was awesome! I like you're style; very controled, yet emotional. Great job. You could have made the ending not so obvious, but it was greta in my opinion. ^^[/color][/size]

[Lady Asphyxia]

[color=darkred]Yup. They do mean the same thing. I know. Driving my point home, really. And I hate using trite on its own. My teacher does, and annoys us all with it. -.-

Thank you Mist. ^.^

*is glad because she got criticism and responses from the people who's opinions she holds the most respect for*[/color]