Guest TheHumanCornDog Posted November 24, 2002 Share Posted November 24, 2002 Viva Video Games Its 2 A.M and im sure you know I'm in my den playing PS2 Playing all night on a Kool Aid Fix Chuggin it down with some Pixie Stix Shootin up police and hi-jackin' cars In this life i'll go real far. Its 3 A.M and i just found out I am foaming from the mouth. The PS2 is over heating This video game will prevent me from eating. At 4 A.M im gettin dizzy The PS2 is smoking now How long can i keep playing? Its 5 A.M the room has caught fire I will not stop playing I will never dier Viva Video Games All night long Keep on playin' till the fire hits the door. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lady Asphyxia Posted November 24, 2002 Share Posted November 24, 2002 [color=darkred]The rhyme scheme seems rather dodgy. For the first 10 lines its a basic a b pattern, and then it changes, which seems almost sloppy. If you're going to establish a rhyme scheme, don't change it. I don't like the ending. It seems stupid. And I think you tried to force the R.S. back into place when you used dier. Was it instead of die, or a word I've never come across? Either way, it seems odd.[/color] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sui Generis Posted November 24, 2002 Share Posted November 24, 2002 Well I think its a pretty cute/funny idea, but like Asphyxia said, the rhyming scheme sounds forced. The only thinK I really can suggest is try working on sentence structure and so on to get your lines to flow smoother. But yeah as scary as it is I agree with Lady Asphyxia.... (Also for future reference if you want to post a new poem, post it in on of your older poem topics. Don't make two topics for two poems.) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lady Asphyxia Posted November 24, 2002 Share Posted November 24, 2002 [color=darkred]What? Agreeing with me is scary? ^.^ And, Baryan, you know you can call me Rae...its so much easier to a) spell, and easier for me to read![/color] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mitch Posted November 25, 2002 Share Posted November 25, 2002 [color=red] This one I have to admit I do like more. But, yet again, the rhyming is very forced, and it makes all else seem fake and unemotional from my stand point. Although it is rather cute, I do believe you could improve it greatly. Just don't force yourself to rhyme. It makes writing so much better and easier upon your part and ours.[/color] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dan L Posted November 25, 2002 Share Posted November 25, 2002 I actually noticed that on both this and the last one, too.. I just didn't say anything last time.. but yeah, as you all said, the rhyming pattern is dodgy.. It's best to either make it rhyme, or just don't, rather than switching half way through.. but yeah.. apart from that I liked it.. ;) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
vegeta rocker Posted November 25, 2002 Share Posted November 25, 2002 Are you playing grand theft auto 3 ? Well i like it better than your previous one. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest TheHumanCornDog Posted November 26, 2002 Share Posted November 26, 2002 Thnx Ok I'm gonna post in here from now on these next two aren't poems there stories. Enjoy [url]http://www.geocities.com/xxrobx2/theonly.html[/url] [url]http://www.geocities.com/xxrobx2/vikingblood.html[/url] [b][color=003399]Please do not double post, use the "edit" button instead. --Elite.[/b][/color] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Create an account or sign in to comment
You need to be a member in order to leave a comment
Create an account
Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!
Register a new accountSign in
Already have an account? Sign in here.
Sign In Now