Writing Can someone review my fanfic?

[AnimeAddict]

Can someone give me some pointers or comments on my fanfic? It?s my first one so it won?t be fantastic. also please be BRUTALLY honest. I want all the help anyone can provide. (It?s a Yu-Gi-Oh! one and really short compared to others)

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STEAL THIS AND I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN LIKE A LION ON A WOUNDED BABY GAZELLE! KAPICHE?
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Scene One
Egypt, Sunrise

As the sun set on the large kingdom of Egypt, the palace walls were set ablaze with the brightness of the new day. Inside a small boy emerged from it?s shadows. He was dressed in black Egyptian attire and appeared to be very saddened. For this boy is the new pharaoh and has many burdens. This only happened because his parents were murdered by one of their closest friends. So at an early age the boy learned not to love, or trust.... for eternity.

A few weeks pass and the young pharaoh finally understands what being pharaoh means. Riches, silks, foreign garb and jewelry at his disposal. ?It?s funny. I have been waiting all my life for this moment but it seems..... incomplete without my parents?. He scoffed. ?And yet here I am. Pharaoh. King of Egypt.? The passing years were hard on him so he indulged in a royal pastime known as the Shadow Games. Even starting out he never lost. Thus he earned the title King Of Games.

Over time the Shadow Games, as they call it, consumed his every minute. He dreamt about them, thought about them, even made strategic plans. While the boy was playing his beloved games Egypt sunk into a depression. There was no longer any jobs for his people, which meant no food, which meant death. Finally one day he saw what his land had become and felt deeply ashamed of what he had done. He fell into a deep misery. It was so unbearable, that he committed suicide.

His soul was locked away in a puzzle, in shape of a pyramid. Just like his ancestors before him. This puzzle was only to activate on a chosen one. His body was mummified and placed in the burial ground. On his sarcophagus inscribed in gold, lay his name. Yami Yuugi.


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Scene Two
(Egyptian Bazaar)


The hustle and bustle of the Egyptian bazaar nauseated Yuugi Motou, but never the less he enjoyed it. Yuggi called to his grandpa, for he spotted in the shadows a shop. Grandpa had warned Yuugi of such things so Gramps tagged along. But neither of them had ever encountered someone quite as strange as he. Although it was broad daylight, the shopkeepers figure was blackened. Yuugi was the first to speak to the man. ?Hello. What do you sell here??

The man replied in Egyptian, which was rather pleasant in Yugi?s opinion. ?He doesn?t understand us,? said Yugi. ?Perhaps he will understand this.? Grandpa took out some Egyptian coins. ?Grandpa!? But Gramps just smiled. Eventually, the mysterious man lead the two into the back of the store. Something caught Yugi?s eye. On the top shelf, lay a strange piece of jewelry: a pyramid. Yugi was too short to reach it, so he summoned the shopkeeper to assist him.

?Grandpa! Can we buy it? Ppppllllleeaaaaasssseeeeee?? Yugi begged. ?Rrrrmm....? Grandpa hesitated ?How much will you take?? Since the shopkeeper could not speak English, he replied by holding up five fingers. ?Deal,? said Gramps. They paid his fee and left the shop in the shadows before seeing the man?s sneer ...or the glint in his eye.