Writing What the hell Rick Hunter's posting here. Need some advice on this please?

[Guest Hikaru Ichijyo]

Chapter 12: Reclamation of the Soul Part IV, Zetasuma?s hidden potential is reached!

(Roti rushes towards Zetasuma and thrust his sword in a downward direction only for it to be parried by Zetasuma. Zetasuma follows it up with a series of slashes all of which Roti Evades.)

[b]Zetasuma:[/b] It seems your father taught you very well how to handle a sword; perhaps there is a pure fighting spirit within you young one.

[b]Roti:[/b] Silence you senile fool, this is only a taste of my swordsmanship skill prepare yourself for this! Torment of the Dark Sword! (Roti?s Sword begins to grow black consuming which appears to be Darkness itself. Roti again rushes at Zetasuma releasing a series of strikes Zetasuma manages to parry 7 of the 8 slashes, as the last one connects on his right cheek)

[b]Zetasuma:[/b] You dare mock me with childish tricks how you disappoint me Roti. Mountains heed my call transform this sword of mine into it?s true form, let it become one with the Earth it self. (Sword begins to glow, turning itself into literally a sword made from rock and earth itself. Zetasuma rushes towards Roti, and begins to unleash a series all of which are parried, until Roti tires out from the attacks. Zetasuma uses this opportunity to strike him with his sword in an uppercut fashion. Roti chest in the process is cut.)

[b]Roti:[/b] Gah! Impressive but this is where things get interesting?I don?t need this sword to take you down?(Throws Sword down on the ground) I?ve held back my power for long enough. I?ll end this fight in two minutes!

[b]Zetasuma:[/b] (Eyes Widen and facial demeanor changes) That is preposterous no man can defeat my skill throughout the ages I?ve lived!

(Roti rushes at Zetasuma with his fist in striking position, Zetasuma does a downward thrust with his sword and strikes Roti, only to reveal that the image, which he struck, is nothing more then an illusion an afterimage of sorts.)

[b]Zetasuma:[/b] Masaka! (Japanese for Impossible)

(Zetasuma looks furiously around trying to gain sight of Roti but sees nothing but the mountains itself. Roti appears behind him and lunges at Zetasuma who turns around just as Roti punches him in the face. Zetasuma begins to but using the floor recoils off the ground lunging forward at Roti with his sword. He once again thrust his sword this time in a straightforward manner. Roti once again uses the Afterimage trick to his advantage, and with lighting fast speed races up towards Zetasuma punching him in the gut. Zetasuma is stunned and facially expresses it, while Roti begins to dig his fist deeper into his Gut)

[b]Roti:[/b] (Screams) IGNITE!!!!!!! (A flash of fire is seen coming out of Roti?s hand, as Zetasuma literally explodes before Roti) All well that ends well, rest in hell with the rest of your fallen comrades Zetasuma! (Roti begins to walk off when a trembling of the ground catches his attention; it appears as if something is burrowing under the ground) You?ve got to be ****ing kidding me!

(Zetasuma Lunges from the ground right underneath Roti Striking him with his sword cutting Roti in the right arm severely)

[b]Zetasuma:[/b] Is that all the power you posses?(Begins to chuckle) If so ?Go back to where you came warrior?. it?s time that I show you my true potential?my ultimate technique!!!! Prepare yourself for the end Roti; you?ve been an admirable adversary however this game of mental chess is about to be finished. Check Mate! (As Zetasuma finishes that sentence the Mountains themselves start to move within seconds the earth and mountains begin to merge with Zetasuma?s body, his muscles begin to bulge in an ungodly manner, as well as his eyes. Within seconds his height begins to grow to about 20 feet. As his growth augmentation is complete the mountains begins to fuse with his skin creating a flesh type of armor solely made of Rock itself. His sword finally begins to go a transformation into one of pure rock itself and begins to grow to match Zetasuma?s height. Roti looks on in amazement.)

[b]Roti:[/b] (Thinking to himself) Perhaps I?ve underestimated Zetasuma, he clearly has been holding back his power?however?his increase in size should mean his speed has severely decreases, I shall use this to my advantage!

(Roti races towards Zetasuma as his fist begin to be consumed with fire; his speed greatly increases and begins to rush forward to the new Zetasuma. Zetasuma strikes the ground with his massive sword. In doing so the earth bends to his commands and literally layers of Rock arise from the ground smashing Roti?s body and encircling him. Ultimately trapping him!)

[b]Zetasuma:[/b] My speed may have decreased however?defense is the key essence of the mountains themselves. With this transformation, I can fully utilize the power of the Earth to my desire! This is the end Roti; allow me to end your curse! (Zetasuma Raises his sword and begins to thrust it downward towards Roti who is still encases within rock, only his head is visible.)

Chapter 13: Krizer?s Bid For Power Begins!

[b][Fade In][/b] (To the gates of the immortal realm where Taki has broken the lock, Krizer walks in cool calm and collective)

[b]Krizer:[/b] Well done Taki, if you were a groveling dog, I?d reward you with a born however since you are neither of those I shall reward you with your life! (Eyes begin to glow with lighting consuming them) It appears the Immortal Council?s security is indisposed. (Immortals begin to rush towards Krizer?s and Taki!)

[b]Immortal Guard:[/b] Lady Taki! How dare you betray the immortals after all that Michiru and the Elder Council has done for you, they took you in when your world was suppressed and this is how you repay us!

[b]Taki:[/b] (Hisses) Silence you fool, it was because of the Immortals that my people suffered, this is for the liberation of my people of Mars. The Sentran shall right the wrongs of the Immortals, of the earth, and Roti! (Taki reveals a dagger from her cloak and stabs the guard in his throat) (Chuckles) The taste of blood, oh how sweet yet bitter it is! (Licks the blade)

[b]Krizer:[/b] Very good, Switchblade you?ve done a good Job?. I know now why I?ve kept you around as my bodyguard?and hired sword. (Smirks) Now go?I have another mission for you, wait for me in my convoy. I have an unfinished matter to attend to!

(Taki now known as Switchblade walks off leaving Krizer before the room to the Elder Council. Krizer smashes the door down with a swift roundhouse kick. The Elder Council looks stunned as if they have seen a ghost or a devil from their past.)

[b]Krizer:[/b] Well well?we meet again Elders the end of the Immortal race is at hand!

[b]Elder 1:[/b] And so the first bearer of Dark and Light has return to the depths of which he was discovered. What is thy business here Krizer!

[b]Krizer:[/b] My dear man?isn?t that obvious to reclaim what is rightfully mine, the power of the immortals. I once was slated to be the next ruler of your race that is before Lord Exodus showed me the ways of the Darkness. It is time you four give me what I have worked so hard to achieve.

[b]Elder 2:[/b] Foolish child, you still lack what a true leader requires. You lack compassion, understanding, and sound judgment. You may end our lives and the immortal race this very second however remember this. Roti is the true bearer of light and dark, his wrath upon you shall be our vengeance against your war crimes. His victory shall be our victory.

(Krizer races up towards Elder 2 and grabs him by the throat)

[b]Krizer:[/b] (Enraged) How dare you take that tone with me, I can snap your larynx like a twig!

[b]Elder 3:[/b] Do I sense fear in you Krizer, perhaps Roti is what you fear?

[b]Krizer:[/b] (Enraged) I fear no-one Roti is nothing more then a mere child, with infantile thinking no matter how strong he becomes it pales in comparison to my power!

[b]Elder 4:[/b] (Slyly) If you do not fear Roti then why do you crave more power, that clearly proves that the one who is infantile is you Krizer, be gone from thy sight!

[b]Krizer:[/b] (Enraged) Shi NE! (Krizer crushes Elder 2?s throat killing him, his eyes then begin to glow as his fist begin to surround themselves with lighting, he begins to fire lighting from his hands striking Elder 4 dead. Elder 3 attempts to race for the door but Krizer teleports to the front of the door.)

[b]Krizer:[/b] (Slyly) Going somewhere! I think not, goodbye! (Krizer pulls out his sword and decapitates Elder 4)

[b]Elder 1:[/b] (Laughs) You fool?. did you really think we would keep the power that you seek here?when each of us dies Kaioh gains stronger, she is the true heir to the Elders and Immortal Race) What you seek can never be required Krizer?your selfish ambitions shall be punished. The hidden light that within each earthling dwells shall give birth to a new race, one far superior to humans?your reign of darkness shall end?!

[b]Krizer:[/b] (Enraged) You cheated me! You?ll all pay for this insubordination every last one of you!

(Krizer?s Eyes begins to glow and electrically build up begins to discharge from his body within seconds an electro magnetic field of energy consumes the immortal realm, as we are treated to Immortals being ripped apart by the electrical currents. Within seconds we are treated to space itself and an enraged Krizer)

[b]Krizer:[/b] (Enraged) How dare they?I was so close to obtaining absolute power, I must find Kaioh?and above all else Roti. He shall be the sacrificial lamb of the Immortals. They put so much faith in that boy. (Slyly)A pity he shall not live to fulfill the Prophecy they proclaim and put so much faith into.

(Change focus to Michiru?s astro projection)

[b]Michiru:[/b] (Hesitantly) I sense the immortal race has finally fallen! Thus ends an important chapter of man?Roti is the only one left?who can stop Krizer now.

[b][Fade Out][/b]

[Frankie]

Well impressed... I just like it.. i cant pick out a spacific thing i like.... i like to follow the one charecter (roti) most. Hmmm well

post more

[Vicky]

Nice story rick! If you are thinking of writing anther story, then pm me and i can give some good tips and ideas! Please look at my two storys, the howler and the dragon king. If you are really hoping to write a new story, We could join and create the best story ever! And trust I have mint tips! (well, what do you exspect! I got a L;5A in story writing!)

[Guest Hikaru Ichijyo]

[QUOTE][i]Originally posted by vicky [/i]
[B]Nice story rick! If you are thinking of writing another story, then pm me and i can give some good tips and ideas! Please look at my two storys, the howler and the dragon king. If you are really hoping to write a new story, We could join and create the best story ever! And trust I have mint tips! (well, what do you exspect! I got a L;5A in story writing!) [/B][/QUOTE]

Well thank you for the insight however its not a story it's a script that's actually been picked up for movie production recently for those who don't know I've been posting rough drafts compared to the final version which is much more in depth and professional.

However for those curious on what actually happened to Roti, I've posted up another one of the Rough Draft chapters.

[B]Chapter 14: Reclamation of the Soul Part V, Zetasuma falls![/b]

[b][Close up][/b] (On Roti?s face, who is still encased within the layers of Rock, Zetasuma continues to thrust his sword down at Roti that is until?)

[b]Roti:[/b] (Eyes begin to glow) You?re misconception of battle experience with age is astounding. (Roti breaks free of the rocks within the nick of time and grasp Zetasuma?s incoming sword with his bare hands snapping the blade in two. He follows up by delivering a fist consumed within flames into Zetasuma?s chest)

[b]Zetasuma:[/b] Ragghhhh

(Roti pulls his fist from Zetasuma?s chest; Zetasuma falls to the ground as Roti continues his attack by ripping pieces of the Rock Armor that is infused within Zetasuma?s skin off of his body)

[b]Zetasuma:[/b] Nooo! (Zetasuma is unable to maintain his present state and reverts back to his human form)

[b]Roti:[/b]So it seems Zetasuma of the Mountain does not have the strongest defense at all! (Zetasuma backs away from Roti slowly) (Coldly) You made a grave mistake Zetasuma mistaking my confidence for begin cockiness. I?ve had the power to destroy you since the second I set eyes on you. You?re nothing more then a washed up geezer.

[b]Zetasuma:[/b] How dare you disrespect the great Zetasuma of the Mountain!

(Eyes Begin to Glow as Zetasuma lounges forward thrusting his sword towards Roti, Roti effortlessly side steps him and delivers a slash to Zetasuma?s right arm, which is holding the sword. The pain is so immense that Zetasuma is forced to drop the blade)

[b]Roti:[/b] (Coldly) I gave you one last chance to live, and you threw it away. You?ve proven life holds no value for you and for that (Sadistically) you?re going to die a horrible death.

(Zetasuma lunges forward with his fist striking Roti in the face, however it has no effect what so ever. Zetasuma looks upward at Roti?s face and notices Roti?s eyes are glowing. Zetasuma?s facial demeanor changes from a confident one to a face that acknowledges death is near he begins to slouch in defeat, knowing that there is nothing more he can do against Roti.)

[b]Roti:[/b] I would say you?ve been a worthy adversary Zetasuma however you?re infantile tricks have disappointed me. You?ve wasted my time.

(Roti grabs Zetasuma?s fist, which is still resting against Roti?s face and begins to power up. Engulfing himself and Zetasuma within flames. We are treated to a visual scene, in which Zetasuma is literally ripped apart at the seams by the flames being produce by Roti. Within seconds Zetasuma is turned into ashes, as Roti stands unharmed triumphantly victorious in this battle.)

[b]Roti:[/b] (Glancing forward toward the top of the mountain ranges and acknowledges the existence of a volcano) A volcano located in a mountain range that is rather unnatural for this geographical location. Perhaps?(Grins sadistically) I? shall find my next challenger awaiting me. A pity Zetasuma was so weak; I sense this one is even more infantile in power. (Roti races up the mountain with lighting quick agility.)

[b][Shift focus][/b] (To Michiru who is deep within mediation sensing the outcome of the battle, as Rikoshi sits impatiently waiting for her to move or say something)

[b]Michiru:[/b] (opens her eyes) I believe our dear Roti has finished Zetasuma off and within record time as well. He truly is the bearer of light and darkness that Roti is.

[b]Rikoshi:[/b] (Confused) That?s impossible surely me lady you?ve made an error. Zetasuma was my teacher. He mastered in the darkest of arts, and struck fear within each opponent?s heart. How could Dar?I mean Rage of the Inferno wipe out someone as skilled as him within a matter of minutes, it?s unfathomable.

[b]Michiru:[/b] (Innocently) You must remember Rikoshi, Roti is not like you or I. He precedes the immortal and human race he?s ascended above us. (Solemnly) However being the fact there are only 2 immortals left?that statement holds no true meaning anymore.

[b]Rikoshi:[/b] (Distraught) So you sensed it too?

[b]Michiru:[/b] Yes, Krizer wiped all of them out; Taki assisted him. Nay he was assisted by SwitchBlade. The fall of the Immortals I had not foreseen, the betrayal of Taki though was forth in coming.

[b]Rikoshi:[/b] My lady but how could you not sense the immortal race falling!?

[b]Michiru:[/b] Mhm?foreseeing into the future is not as easy as one would think. It is an extension of ones senses. In part it is basically like vision itself some times objects appear clearly other times they are clouded or fuzzy. Foreseeing future events holds similar problems. There is no true guarantee that even the visions that I have foreseen will come to light. Destiny is a strange fate, it can be changed within the blink of an eye every decision, every action, and can all cause different reactions. That is the beauty and curse of destiny nothing is as it appears to be.

[b][fade out][/b]

[Brasil]

Interesting read, but I have a few suggestions.

First, I?d definitely go back in the entire story and read through it closely. There are a lot of mistakes. Some concern spelling, some concerning punctuation. Check your syntax, namely ?your? vs ?you?re.? I see quite a few of those.

The dialogue is very ?meh.? It?s overwritten. If this is an actual screenplay, you need to cut it down A LOT. Screenplays need to move, move, move. This doesn?t. It really plods along and gets tiresome to read.

Simply, screenplays? rhythm is ?bang bang bang bang.? Quick, sharp, short, right to the point. This rhythm feels like ?buuuuuuuuuup buuuuuuuuuuup buuuuuuuuup.? I feel like the tortoise when I read it.

Basically concerning dialogue: shorten, tighten and focus it. You need to get rid of the extraneous stuff. A lot of the dialogue feels awkward. Would characters talk like this? Would you talk like this? Would royalty talk like this?

I think that awkwardness is caused by not fully understanding your characters and scenes.

For example, Scene 2. If the chamber is beyond human comprehension, how can you understand it? I realize it?s science fiction, but sci fi still needs to adhere to the rules it sets. Try a different ideal surrounding the chamber. Something eternal, not unknowable.

Your story is a start, but it?s only a beginning. It still requires heavy revision and editing.

I suggest stepping back from your work. Detach yourself from it. Limit your emotional involvement. Treat it like a school essay. Cut what isn?t needed, tighten what you want to keep.

Also, try to not rip-off 2001: A Space Odyssey. ROTI?s description sounds a lot like Dave Bowman?s Star Child.

Last, with the scenes I?ve read and the errors within, I highly doubt any company has optioned this. If you have this story in proper script format, please post that instead. I much prefer to read a polished script in proper script format than reading this. If your script has indeed been picked up, then you should know what I'm talking about.