Shinobi Posted November 29, 2002 Share Posted November 29, 2002 Here is my newest poem, it is sinister and pretty graphic, this is my first shot at a sinister poem, so please, c and cand also rate if you want. [b][size=3]Psycho[/size][/b] As the dark clouds in the sky, linger and hover I raise my metallic knife, wondering if I should bother Should I give grieve, to his and my mother? For the victim, is non-other, than my brother. As I thrust down the knife I slash and gash Slipping way, is the enemies life Should I stop or should I continue Thinking of his widowing wife. He should not have messed with me I am a psycho you know The blood and torture, oh I do loathe! As the blood digs channels, in the snow I walk away grinning, for I have been sinning My jacket flies open, for the wind it does blow. As the corpse lies there as flat as a pancake I ponder on if I should cut him up, or drown him in the lake He started the argument, he knew I would flip I grab my face, the winter weather does nip Why did he do it? Is he family or foe? Meh, what?s done is done At least it was fun. I look him in the face, and I say to him I?m a psycho you know, so you best lye low. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
spike speigel Posted November 30, 2002 Share Posted November 30, 2002 :eek: Wow :eek: that's all i can say. That was creepy. But it was enjoyable, in a dark sort of way. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest boogeta Posted November 30, 2002 Share Posted November 30, 2002 Its pretty cool I love gore Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shinobi Posted November 30, 2002 Author Share Posted November 30, 2002 Thank you for your comments, this is my first, dark poem, as i said, so this has gave me a boost into maey writing some more, or mabey change my style if the other poets thinks it's.....well.....crap. Thansk anyways. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Boo Posted November 30, 2002 Share Posted November 30, 2002 Hmm..... Work on rhyming a lil, but I think ur better in Psycho poems than [I]"dark"[/I] poems. hehe. Anyways. It was very amusing/creepy/good. Keep up the weird work :p Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Syk3 Posted December 1, 2002 Share Posted December 1, 2002 Wow, that was the most interesting...erm, [i]dark[/i] poem that I've heard in a while. It was very well put together, and I can see that you have some deep poetry in you. My favorite part? The line that said: As the corpse lies there as flat as a pancake. Lol, it was very sudden, and it made me laugh for some reason. o_O -- probably the pancake part. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shinobi Posted December 1, 2002 Author Share Posted December 1, 2002 Thank you Syk3, heh, mabey i do have a bit of deep poetry inside of me, :p. And the pancake part.....:laugh:.......i couldn't think of anythig else and that was what the image looked like in my haad, lol. Cheers and thanks again. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spikey Posted December 1, 2002 Share Posted December 1, 2002 That was amazing. It had a great theme to it, nice and dark. You know, you could turn that into a song with some work. Great work. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Charles Posted December 2, 2002 Share Posted December 2, 2002 Good poem Shinobi. The story within the poem is interesting and warped. I suspect that's what you were aiming for. :tasty: The only possible criticism I can give, involves cleaning up what's already there, so that it flows a bit more smoothly. [quote]As the dark clouds in the sky linger and hover I raise my knife, wondering if I should bother Should I give grief to our mother? For the victim, is none other than my brother. As I thrust down the knife I slash and gash Slipping away, is the enemy's life Should I stop or should I continue Thinking about his widowing wife? He should not have messed with me I am a psycho you know The blood and torture, oh I do loathe! As the blood digs channels into the snow I walk away grinning, for I have been sinning My jacket flies open, in the wind it blows. As the corpse lies there as flat as a pancake I wonder if I should cut him up, or drown him in the lake He started the argument, he knew I would flip I grab my face, feeling the winter nip Why did he do it? Is he family or foe? What?s done is done At least it was fun. I look him in the face, and I say to him I?m a psycho you know, so you best lie low.[/quote] I didn't really change much, just removed a few commas and clustered word usage. I'm just wondering if the psycho really loathes blood and torture. O.o;; Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
darkfreak0304 Posted December 2, 2002 Share Posted December 2, 2002 I liked it, great poem dude Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Silent Death Posted December 2, 2002 Share Posted December 2, 2002 Great Poem, It's very dark and creepy :demon: I like it got any more? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shinobi Posted December 2, 2002 Author Share Posted December 2, 2002 Wow, CWB, that is much better! Thank you very much. I can pick up on that and reffer back, to see what i have did wrong and stuff, thank you very much. And yes he does love torturing, i was going for a Psycho Killer kinda theme, like he would even kill his own family if they got outta line. And Silent Death, no i don't unfortunetly, but i think because i have had so much positive response,i shall be writing more :D. Thank you all very much. PS: Finaly i'm a MEMBER YAHOO!!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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