Do you like people for--

[GinnyLyn]

[color=crimson]--what they do or who they are?

Seems like a simple enough question, right? But take some time to think about this. More and more, I feel like people only like me for what I can do for them. This, along with my "social intelligence" thread question, have rattled around in my head for the longest time.

So what do you say: what they do or who they are?[/color]

[James]

[color=#507AAC]Well, I'll be blunt.

I could very well take any disagreements I've had with you and use them to say "I dislike you". But that wouldn't be the truth.

I mean, everyone has disagreements on any number of issues. But should it affect their relationship?

I don't know you as well as some others here, Ginny...but I've always found you to be a very pleasant person. I'm glad that you're on OB and I think you really add so much to our community, just by being here and posting. You're great to talk to and you always have something friendly to say to people.

The fact that you can make beautiful art is just the icing on the cake, as far as I'm concerned.[/color]

[Shy]

[size=1]Hmm. Friends do things for each other, and when someone asks you to do too much for them it can really effect how you view that person. If you worry too much about being taken advantage of then you will end up never trusting [i]anyone[/i].

You are one of my oldest and best online peeps. See, I used the word "peeps", I got that from you! ^_^

Anyway, you shouldn't have to worry about that Ginny. No matter how great and amazing of an artist you are, you are an even greater and more amazing person.

-Shy[/size]

[GinnyLyn]

[color=crimson]Thank you very much, James and Shy.

I just wanted to bring this topic to discussion, though, because I avoided a Christmas party on purpose last night. When asked why, I admitted people would rather enjoy me in my "helping you" mode less than my "real me" mode. Makes sense, I hope?

I don't want this thread to focus on me--I'm sure there are others who feel this way. And here's another thought--do you think liking a person for what they do vs. who they are is a negative thing? or vice versa?[/color]

[KittyLynn]

Ginny, I like you because of YOU. Not what you DO. Anyways...I think James is right, The fact the people can do things is just another reason why we love everyone we do..I love everyone because of their unique personality. All the talents are part of them as well, but it just makes us love them even more

[Semjaza]

Something to this effect has bothered me for quite a while as well.

I tend to be overly generous with people... It might not be as obvious to people who just know me by my posts, but I'm sure a few people here realize it from things I've told them. It generally is my fault, because I do offer to do things the first few times... But generally it gets taken advantage of (not online so far, other than by a couple specific people... They know I dislike them by now I'd hope heh. Mostly in real life).

It just seems that if people get used to you helping them out, they come to expect it as your normal attitude. sooner or later, they start asking more often or for bigger things. Around this time though, I'd have to say enough is enough. I had to deal with that, and at times it was really hard sorting through who was taking advantage and actual friends who were just accepting your generousity. I've found that people that take advantage tend to get upset the first time you start right out refusing to help them out though heh.

Being nice has it's upsides I suppose, but like I said... People wil start expecting you to act like this all the time, and if for some reason you don't it becomes some sort of problem. Happens with work as well....

Anyway, I'm rambling and who knows if that helped whatsoever. I don't know you super well, but you've always come off very nice and interesting in your own ways hehe. From what I can tell, a lot of people go through stuff like this. I figure sooner or later you have to figure out who your real friends are.

[Shy]

[QUOTE][i]Originally posted by GinnyLyn [/i]
[B][color=crimson]And here's another thought--do you think liking a person for what they do vs. who they are is a negative thing? or vice versa?[/color] [/B][/QUOTE]

[size=1]Good question.

When someone dies, they usually look to their accomplishments to describe them. Saying, "Tim was a wonderful father, and a talented carpenter" is not a bad thing at all.

Being remembered for your work gives you a chance at immortality. People don't remember George Washington because of how friendly and compassionate he was, they remember him because of something that he accomplished.

At the same time, I cannot be friends with the inventor of televsion just because he was the inventor of the television. You make friends because of who they are, not what they do. But you remember people because of what they did, and [u]usually[/u] not who they were.

I make my friends usually based on what interests we share. If we both like to write, then I am friends with them because of their writing ability. That is what makes me their friend originally. I became friends with you originally because of our shared interest in Digimon, you could say that I only liked you because of your knowledge an love of the show.

As you can see, I'm not making much of a point here. I give up.

-Shy[/size]

[Solo Tremaine]

I think it's good to have a balance. Liking someone for what they are is far better than liking them purely for what they do, but as they're two halves of the same coin, you can't have one or the other- you have to have both, but in balance. Liking someone for what they do might be, say the admiration of a football player or an actor, whereas liking someone for what they are might be admiring someone like Princess Diana. Unless you know them personally and see both sides of the person then you'll always have a jilted image of who they are.

I tend to focus more on what people are than what they do, but what they are will be reflected in what they do, so it's pretty hard. So, you gain a better interpretation of what someone is through what they do. It's quite hard to define. But basically, I look at and like people for what they are.

[Yoshi]

Thats an interesting question. Common sense tells us that people do things BECAUSE of who they are. So are you asking us if we take the time to look at the person behind the action and attitude? If that is your question I'd like to say yes, but often enough we are either to lazy or in too much of a hurry to really look at who is behind an act of kindness or a hurtful action. I mean who can honestly say the like someone who beats the crap out of them? Who looks beyond the fact that the person beats the crap out of them to see the person? And if we continue on this line: what then defines a person? Is not a person defined by the values they hold? Their moral principles and beliefs and their interests? And is it not these things that define how they act? What type of anime/movies/TV shows they watch, what activities they do, who they end up hanging around with, and ultimately what they try to do with their life/how they react to the "real" world?

You're right of course Sere. I'm just pointing out that the two things are intertwined and that it's a bit difficult to seperate them and maybe even a little silly. I'm not saying I agree when people take advantage of anyone else I'm just saying actions are also a part of a person, a very important part. True they can't hold a candle to who and what a person really just is, but they are a piece of a person for better or worse.

[Sere Tuscumbia]

I like people for who they are. That's it. Plain and simple. If I liked people for what they did, then I'd be in much different company.

I don't like my friend Danielle because she can draw. I admire her talent, and it makes me appreciate her more, but that's not why I like her.

I find I [I]can't[/I] like people for what they do. Because eventually, I'll find out who they are, and either not like them or like them. I can [I]admire[/I] what they do, but not like them soley on what they do.

And I'm going to be getting deep and thoughtfully in a moment, and I'm too darn cold to do that, so I'll just cut this off, saying what I needed to say, and leave this where it is.

--Sere

[Red]

[b]I like people for who they are. Most of the friends that I have made met me when I was 3 or 4 years old, a time when I didn't care what they could do.

Obviously there are some people that I think are cool for what they can do, but it doesn't mean that they are immediately counted as one of my good friends because of it.
I don't know if I'm making sense, but that's how I've put it, lol.[/b]

[Yu Yu Hakusho!]

I like people for who they are, not what they dress like or act like to seem cool. I just told my friend today to act like herself since she was acting a wierd around a group of girls who are popular...she's trying to be friends with them. I told her right then and there: If you're going to act like someone you're not, then we can't be friends. You know I hate it when people fake who they really are.
I only became friends with her because of the way she really is. I don't like all those other girls that put on a mask every morning and fake who they really are. If someone doesn't like who I am, then screw them. I don't care. I have my friends, you have yours.
And that does not go to anyone here! You guys are all so nice!

[Kipcha]

Definately for who they are. I like people because they are, not because they do. I think it hurtz a person if they are looked at as a friend for what they do, then they think their friends just like them because of the things he or she does, for example, giving presents or gifts.....am i making sense?!

[Roxie Faye]

[color=#9933ff]I like my friends for who they are, not because they have some talent. I say TALENT instead of what they do, because if I said I didn't like them for what they do, I'd be lying. When I say I like someone for what they do, I mean things like, are they there for me when I'm down? Are they acting like a true friend? I guess that sort of stuff could also be classified by who they are, but it's also what they [i]do/[i] so.. yeah. Did any of you get that?[/color]

[James]

[color=#507AAC]Kipcha, please edit your original post rather than double posting. I recommend reading our rules. ^_^[/color]

[amibasuki]

[FONT=arial]heh, I was in something like your pickle, Ginny (did what I just say make any sense???? :confused: ). ANYwho, I was invited to a Christmas party for this Friday, but I couldn't/wouldn't go for some personal reasons. when I told my 'friend' that I couldn't go, she was more upset that I wouldn't be helping her set up (when I said I might not have been able to anyway) than that I wasn't gonna be showing up. kinda hit a nerve. isn't the first time something like that's happened though.

I can't think of any time I've been guilty of being friends with someone for my personal benefit. and I [i]try[/i] to stay away from people who act like that towards me, because frankly it pisses me off. I'm fairly generous most of the time, and I don't mind being so, but I can't stand it when people start [i]expecting[/i] me to do everything for them. especially if they just flat out tell me to do something. by that time I'm just like "Excuse you?" and basically tell them to screw off. it's pretty discouraging trying to be nice. stuff like that makes me [i]want[/i] to be rude and self-centered.[/FONT]

[Guest cloricus]

Well truly I?ve always been told that you should judge people on what they do and whom they are. Mainly because what some one does is a mirror of whom they are. I don?t just mean crappy little social issues I mean every thing that you observer them doing. I?ve also found you have to give a lot of leeway because people when it comes down to it make lots of mistakes, that?s where honest mistakes come in.

So I would have to say both.

[Senor Ding Dong]

Who they are.

But what do I care? Friends blow anyway.

[GinnyLyn]

[color=crimson]Thanks to all of you. What you say makes tremendous sense.

One of my favorite managers, Ron *winks at Sara*, is teaching me how to not let people take advantage of my hard working nature, and to not feel guilty when I legitimately say NO.

Part of the reason I left the church I grew up in is because Sem said--I kept helping, and they got used to it being my regular nature. And sure, I liked to help, but when it came to them helping me, whether physically or spiritually, as during the time of my uncle's death this past May, very few came back to help me. The whole issue disgusted me, and I viewed the majority of the congregation as hypocrites. Needless to say, I'm a LOT happier in my new church. The problem is that I now look at everyone, and ask the question that started this whole topic--do they like me for the tasks I can do for them, or do they like me for me?

Thanks again, all.[/color]

[Mitch]

[color=red] You know what? What somone does is actually made by who they are. And, opposingly, people are who they are because of what they do. It's all interchangable and rather contradictory.

But, I'd have to say, that is, if I had to chose one of the two, I'd say who they are. It's a bigger part, I believe. Sure, someone can do something, possibly out of ability, or luck, but with who they are, it's something they can't really try to fake. Eventually the real them will come out, and even if that doesn't happen, it's very easy to tell if someone is being a liar or not.

Plus, if I want to be friends with someone, if they're a wonderful drawer, ect, ect, but they're a complete jerk, then I won't be friends with them. That also further expresses my point that who someone is is really a much better part of the complexion of a human being.[/color]

[Charles]

[font=arial]I never take advantage of people for what they can do for me. If someone can benefit me in some way, and I can't stand their personality, then I won't put on a facade and deceive them.

For some reason, it's almost impossible for me to ask others to do anything for me. I could be independent, I could be egotistical. Who knows? One might consider that a flaw, but at least I know that I only like people for who they are.

I, on the other hand, always help people. Through that I've learned that it's bad to lend others money; it causes amnesia.[/font]

[PiroMunkie]

[color=indigo]It depends on the person really. With people that I have known for a long time, I have learned to like them for who they are, regardless of what they do. I have told many of them that even if they were to intentionally murder someone, I would still be there friend. Sure I am going to frown on the fact that they murdered another person, but, as the old movie title goes, [i]So I Married an Axe Murderer[/i]. It does not matter what they have done, they are still my friend.

However, if I have just recently became acquainted with another person, and I am not totally sure of who they are. Then, I hear that they killed someone. Chances are I am going to shy away from them. I do not have the same comfort around them that I would a long time friend.[/color]

[vegeta rocker]

Like it was said before it depends,
I like my friends for who they are not how they dress or act. Well the clothes don't hurt.
Doesn't matter what they do, i will always be there.
(even if they make stupid documentaries on me)

[Desbreko]

[color=indigo]Well, Ginny, considering that you haven't really done anything for me (well, besides giving me yet another nickname, which I don't really think of as "for me," lol), I think it's safe to say that I like you for who you are. :D

But yes, I like people mainly for who they are. And when I say "who they are," I mean, how they act, also, because how they act is a reflection of who they are. I don't care about what other people can do for me, for the most part, because really, I'd rather do it myself. Sure, I'll accept help if I need it, but I'd rather not need help to begin with. I really don't ask for much of anything from anyone, except borrowing a game from a friend here or there, and I figure that's not much to ask, considering that I'm always lending them games, heh. (Isn't it amazing how I can talk about almost any subject, and it eventually comes back to video games?) :p

I think I'll end this post now, because I don't remember much of what I just wrote in that last paragraph. I'm hoping it's not just a bunch of rambling. :cross:[/color]

[Dan L]

[QUOTE][i]Originally posted by Mitch [/i]
[B][color=red] You know what? What somone does is actually made by who they are. And, opposingly, people are who they are because of what they do. It's all interchangable and rather contradictory.[/color] [/B][/QUOTE]

*kicks Mitch*

Damn you, Mitch.. I wanted to say something to that effect. Something like this:

"Who we are dictates what we do, you wouldn't always (though there are exceptions, as I know pretty well) go and do something against your character, which is why people take advantage of your character. In the same way, what we do dictates who we are, as we are the sum of all our experiences, plus a little bit extra thrown in just for fun ^^"

But yeah.. even so, there is a distinct difference between liking someone because of who they are, than liking them for their ability to do things. Ultimately, who we are dictates what we would do, if we could. Those who like us for who we are stay around even when we can't do that, or if we do something out of our character every so often.

I think the best way to put it is that there are some people who like what they can get out of you, whereas some just plain like you as a person regardless.

My vicar hates taking advantage of people. He asked me to do some decorating in the church, during the holidays, and I did. When he asked me, he said "I'll pay you to do it (not because I didn't want to do it- he offered this from the start)", and I said I'd do it. When I finished the job, I said I'd rather have it as a voluntary thing, and forget about the money, as the church could do more with it. It took a few minutes (the long kind of "a few minutes, not the short kind") to persuade him to keep the money, cos he didn't want to think he was taking advantage of me in any way. I had to explain that I didn't see it that way at all.. heh