*Sigh* In great need of anyone's advice/help

[Guest Hikaru Ichijyo]

:( Bleh, sorry I don't really mean to draw attention to myself or continue this recent trend of depressed type of threads but I really need a method of venting this issue that's sort of too big to keep bottled up anymore.

Well let me begin, I just recently found out that my mother may need a blood transfusion...apparently she's skipped way too many meals lately and her iron is at a rather lethally low level that could kill her unless she brings up her iron level or gets a blood transfusion.

I've never really been that close with my family, because I left my house at the age of 16 to fend for myself and my mom and I have never really seen eye to eye on many things. However I can't help but feel a little responsible since I haven't watched out for her as much as others would for their mother. I'm sort of really upset about that news, but to top it off I also on the same day got some equally stressful news.

An Ex of mine by the name of Lisa miscarried her baby, and now most likely her mother will kick her out of her house. It's sad because this girl is only 19....and already was married, divorced, pregnant and now has lost a child. In a way I should really feel sorry for her...because losing a child must be difficult I wouldn't know since I don't have one, nor really have ever wanted offsprings I'm too young to think about that anyway...

Well even though I should be sorry, I'm not feeling that sorry, she recently today impossed on me to put her up if her mom kicks her out. She's never was nice to me before and kind of treated me like dirt. So I flattely told her no, though I can't help feel a little guilty of saying no granted I have no obligation to this person...but I really don't know how to address that situation.

To top things off the holidays are coming, and for me at least it gets rather lonesome, living alone already isn't that pleasant, granted with all the freedoms you have you'd think it's fun but it's not really. I guess, the sudden case of holiday blues are coming.

I have one more problem but I'm going to keep that private for now until I get a little bit of feed back, but what I'm asking here is for some advice on how to handle these situations and what to do about Lisa. :(

[NorykoAngelcry]

[SIZE=1][COLOR=darkred]Well Kevin, I am very sorry things have been down for you. As a friend, I hope you won't just ignore what I have to say here, regardless of how it may come out here. Well, here goes:

With your mom -- Don't feel bad that you weren't there for her. It really isn't YOUR job to keep up with her. She is an adult, and while I don't know her personally, I would think that she should be able to keep up with herself and her health. I don't know if this is a medical condition where she doesn't feel like eating, or if she is just on a food strike.

Feeling upset about her condition is totally fine, but you shouldn't have to feel responsible about it. Watching a loved one (or at least the one that brought you into this world) suffer, or at least going through a tough time, is never easy. You're human, you have that right to, and who cares what that person did or didn't do to you. Because you are not as close to your family as you could be doesn't mean you can't care about them.

About Lisa. . I am happy you told her NO about moving in. Now don't get me wrong. I am sure you are like many who want to help those in need. I am that way (actually, people like to yell at me for being too nice) and depending on circumstances, I might go either way on that one.

Yes, it is sad about her predicament. Once again, I don't know her, so I can't really say too much here. But it sounds like she did much of this to herself, and is looking for the one outlet that was always there for her. It seems like she found out that her 'good' friends weren't really that good of friends, and while the one person that treated her right (though, she treated that person like crap) was the only one left that she could really turn to.

I really feel sorry, and myself being such a pushover, I would probably take her in till it came down to absolutly having no other choice but to kick her out. . . I know, I am wierd. . thus, why no one on the boards ever remembers me ^_^ hoho (sorry. . )

About being lonely, I suppose I am very fortunate to have a lot of friends around me. I don't have anyone 'close' to myself. Sure it is great to have people hang around with me a lot, but I usually find myself alone in my room. I try to keep up with a lot of people online AIM or emails, but occasionally, it's just hard to do that for me. A lot of good local or even online friends I neglect because I can never say the right things, or because I just find myself doing other things before giving them the time that they have given me.

Keep hanging on man. . and while most would say, "Stay strong Kevin, good things are coming to you," I will just say keep on trudging through, and there may be some answers to the questions for you. Might not be exactly what you are looking for, but hey, it's something to look forward to I suppose *shrug* Don't know if this helped, but I figured if I tried to b.s. the whole post, you and everyone else would just see through it.

And just for you man, a small symbol of my respect for you -- *deeply bows* -- you rule Kevin![/COLOR][/SIZE]

[Kinetic]

[color=darkblue]
That's great advice Noryko, and I agree with you in nearly (if not all) every aspect of your post. While I am young and may not have much wisdom or good advice, I see why you would care for your mother, and even though I will probably move out at an early age as you did, I would still care for her no matter how seperated we were from each other. The same case goes for any other members of the family as well, even my brother :p

On Lisa's case, I am easily manipulated in a lot of ways (nearly every day) so I would have probably taken her in, but if she treated you poorly, then you should stand firm by your decision unless you really start to have strong feelings about her well-being.

About being lonely, I know that it must be tough, but since I am still at the tender age of 14, I have never been very seperated from my family and have never felt lonely or distant from them. Sure, I get lonely outside of my family sometimes but I always have friends to rely on at school.

All I can say is that I hope you get through your tough times without any tragedies or misfortunes.
[/color]

[Guest butterfly]

it must fell horrible, thinking that someone else's suffering was your fault. so, i feel for you. i think that Noryko and Kinetic, have given some graet advice. especailly Noryko, who obviously feels for your well-being, doesn't want to see you hurt or unhappy. so whenever you feel lonely on those long days of the holidays, just come and talk to all your buddies here at otaku. ha ha.
all i want to say is that use the advice, or don't use the advice, whatever your decision is, i'm sure that everything will work out just fine. just take everything one step at a time and it will all work out.

[EMU]

Hmmmmmmm... I believe that NorykoAngelcry hit the nail on the head with his speech, so anything I say would be a repeat. How about some less useful advice, that I intend merely as a joke?


U should have your conscience surgically removed. Works wonders and at the end of it all u just don't give a damn. lol

heres hopin' things work out m8 :)

[Mitch]

[QUOTE][i]Originally posted by NorykoAngelcry [/i]
[B][SIZE=1][COLOR=darkred]
she did much of this to herself, and is looking for the one outlet that was always there for her. It seems like she found out that her 'good' friends weren't really that good of friends, and while the one person that treated her right (though, she treated that person like crap) was the only one left that she could really turn to.


[/COLOR][/SIZE] [/B][/QUOTE]

[color=red] Right there you hit it right on. Kev, I don't really know the situation or how it arose with Lisa, but now she's just using you for all she can. I am very happy you told her no. Even if you're guilty, in that situation, I would too. But you've already given her enough chance to be there for you, and it seems she never was there for you. People get what they recieve, anthat's what she's getting now.

As for loneliness, I feel that quite often. All I can say is be optimistic for the outlook. Just know that it won't always be as lonely as it seems to be...and that should help give a little hope, and a little optimism.[/color]

[Roxie Faye]

[color=#9933ff]About your mom, it's natural to feel guilty, it's what humans do to themselves, but it isn't your fault. You couldn't have done anything about it. She was, and is the only one who can change her own life around.

About Lisa, I am glad that you said no to her. It is hard to say no to someone like that, and I know you're feeling guilty(I would be, too), but if she was just using you, than you made the right descision to say no. You may feel that for the time you took her in, it was an absolute waste, but I told you this once before, that kindness will come back to you some day.
What goes around comes around, and despite what that's supposed to mean, it can be used poitively, to. You WILL be repaid for your kindness, and Lisa will get what she deserves.

And I do know what the last thing is, that's bothering you. You know you can always talk to me on AIM. I'm always on. :)[/color]

[Red]

[B]I think it's excellent that you stopped Lisa from moving into your house, if she treated you like dirt you should remind her of the old saying:

[center]What goes around comes around[/center][/b]

[Defcon5]

I know somthing that could help take the guilt away from your mother. Now i'm not sure if i'm right about this, mabye you can't do this for her condition, but mabye you could give her some of your blood to help her.

[BabyGirl]

[color=deeppink]I can't believe you are all happy that Kevin refused Lisa a place to stay :cross:

Kevin- I'm sorry to hear about your current situation with your mom, I can imagine it would be hard if you considered yourself responsible. On one plane, she [i]is[/i] your mom, but on another you haven't lived with her for 3+ years now, so it's not as though you've been around to keep an eye on her.

If I were you, I'd try to be around her right now just for support. No matter how "close" a mother and child are, a mom always secretly wants a child's love and emotional backing when things get tough. Even if she pretends that she doesn't need you around...I don't think that's the case at all. Watch out for her for a while.

As for the Lisa situation, I know that she did a ****** thing to you in the past...but that was obviously the past. I would personally reconsider my decision to leave a married/divorced girl who just miscarried a baby and is therefore fairly emotionally unstable to fend for herself. Maybe it's just me, but it doesn't seem right =\[/color]

[Guest Zeh]

[QUOTE][i]Originally posted by BabyGirl [/i]
[B][color=deeppink]As for the Lisa situation, I know that she did a ****** thing to you in the past...but that was obviously the past. I would personally reconsider my decision to leave a married/divorced girl who just miscarried a baby and is therefore fairly emotionally unstable to fend for herself. Maybe it's just me, but it doesn't seem right =\[/color] [/B][/QUOTE]

[COLOR=royalblue]actually he's kind of... erm... taking care of that now, as i'm typing this... he seems to know what to do ^_^ [/COLOR]

[QUOTE][i]Originally posted by MistressRoxie [/i]
[B][color=#9933ff]
And I do know what the last thing is, that's bothering you. You know you can always talk to me on AIM. I'm always on. :)[/color] [/B][/QUOTE]

[COLOR=royalblue]I think the only way for him to solve THAT now, is to do it himself.... It seems to be too hard to get the right help now :drunk:


You know Kev, all this **** just keeps happening to ya... it makes me feel sorry... I don't really see what you've done to deserve all this, but when one bad thing happenes, it seems to set of a chain reaction.

Just like Roxie said, if you ever need someone to talk to, and i'm on, send an IM over my way. [/COLOR]

[Mnemolth]

The situation between you and your mom is one that you need to sort out. Since I don't you, I'll leave that one alone.

As for Lisa, this situation has disaster written all over it, if I'm reading your post correctly.

Loneliness and an ex do not a good combination make, esp during the festive season.

The advice is simple, its a lot tougher to carry it out tho.

If you think can you can handle it, help her out. If you don't think you can handle it (and this is perfectly okay, so you needn't feel obligated), then don't, and refuse.

If you do decide to help out, make it clear to her where you stand. Make it clear to yourself where you stand (if you can't do this bit, then you can't handle the situation and you should refuse). Give her boundaries. Absolute ones. Tell her [i]exactly[/i] what you're offering, how long she can stay and what you expect from her. And [i]stick[/i] to these limits.

[Guest Hikaru Ichijyo]

Well one problem solved two more to go, thankfully while talking to Tasis I got a call from Lisa's friend, she's going to take her in right now so she'll be ok there.

Umm as for the whole thing about me rethinking of taking her in it's rather academic in a sense, first off as sad as this or mean it might be she's not my responsibilty it's her mother's and that loser of a guy she decided to sleep with. I really don't see a point in me getting involved if she was old enough to not protect herself during sex then she's old enough really to deal with the consequences.

Another factor in why I didn't take her in is basically my own living conditions aren't stable, I move back and forth from NYC and Cali on a Bi-Monthly and sometimes bi-weekly basis I can't really afford nor trust someone to stay in my NYC apartment.

I hope everyone can see my stand point in that, I still feel bad about not taking her in but quite frankly I can barely find time to relax myself as it is with work none the less try to help someone out. Eventually my working conditions are going to be stable in about another two months.

So at least the Lisa issue is solved, as for my mom I'm not really sure what I can do for her, as one person meantioned perhaps I could give her my blood. Unfortunately I can't my mom and my own blood types are different if I was an O carrier it would be different but I'm not.

A major issue worrying me about that is the fact that she was prescribe medicine however didn't fill the prescriptions out, nor has she been following the doctor's orders of eating, and raising her iron. I'm afraid that if this keeps up my mom will indeed pass away...I tried talking to her about it but she disregards everything I say apparently I've been "disowned yet again."

I have no clue how to help my mom besides from a finicial medical standpoint, apparently she doesn't want my support or help on other fronts so I can pretty much say she's not putting on a facade. :(

[Solo Tremaine]

You have to make sure you're talking to her from an 'I care about you' point of view, rather than a 'I think you should do this' point of view. It's a subtle difference, but it otherwise it can seem that you're trying to ored her into doing something that she doesn't seem to understand fully. If needs be, don't be afraid to tell her the full situation, even if she may know already. Other than that. there isn't much you can do. I know someone who had prostate cancer for ages, and knew about it, but never saw the doctor about it. It was only when he collapsed in the street and was taken to A+E (ER) that he decided to have something done. It's silly, as he could have spent that much more time healing, but it's almost a denial of wanting to accept there's a problem. I know it's what you have been doing, but keep trying to convince her to keep eating iron.

I hope things work out soon for you.

[Guest Zeh]

[COLOR=royalblue]Maybe you could make your Mommy eat staples o.O

Seriously, if she doesn't want to do anything about it, and doesn't want anybody's help. Force it upon her. You can't just let your Mom die, as un-close to her as you are.

I'm not sure what you could do, but do something, you should. [/COLOR]

[Yu Yu Hakusho!]

Dang...I hate to hear that about ANYONE....that's so sad. I don't really know what to say except that you pull through alright. Sounds very depressing....I'm sorry to hear that and I hope things turn out alright for you.
-Lauren

[Valen]

[QUOTE][i]Originally posted by Tasis [/i]
[B][COLOR=royalblue]Maybe you could make your Mommy eat staples o.O

Seriously, if she doesn't want to do anything about it, and doesn't want anybody's help. Force it upon her. You can't just let your Mom die, as un-close to her as you are.

I'm not sure what you could do, but do something, you should. [/COLOR] [/B][/QUOTE]
I was just about to say that too...

Anyway, cereal has a bunch of Iron in it, so maybe you could force her into eating it... try the guilt trip... usually works everytime... but if it is her will not to eat, there's nothing you can do about it. I have had a problem like that for about a year or so now (something majorly worse)... about someone's willpower, and as I have learned, yes, you can hep them now, but if you don't keep helping them, they will eventually stop what you were helping them to do. Thus returning to the state you tried to help them in. So, good luck...

-Valen