(TV14-S) What would you do/say/think if...?

[GinnyLyn]

What would you do/say/think if someone you knew was sexually abused by one of their relatives?

I'm going to come out and say it--when I was 9, I was sexually abused by my uncle.

It was the worst time of my life. One I thought I forgot. But after my uncle passed away last year, and everyone kept talking about how WONDERFUL he was, I just...I couldn't...it was beyond my capacity to handle it.
So why didn't I tell anyone when it happened? My uncle threatened to break apart my family if I did. My mom and I (a first marriage kid) were very poor and the only family we had was what mom married into. It would break my mom's heart if we were kicked out of the family.
Also, both my parents were retailers, working all sorts of weird hours. My uncle always knew when he could come over--friends weren't allowed, since I was alone, but relatives were.
I tried to tell my mom once; she thought I was joking. When I persisted, she accused me of lying and grounded me. I didn't feel comfortable enough to talk to my stepdad about his brother's actions.

Fortunately, when my younger brother was old enough to watch himself, I took every oppurtunity to avoid my uncle, to be busy doing something for the church or whatnot. So after a year's worth of this, my uncle finally left me alone.

I bring this up because, ever since my uncle died, I keep having nightmares that keep dredging up the horrible memories. And I keep seeing other people I care about, watching...being disgusted, ashamed, not helping me...And I still can't tell. Because Mom just wrote a book in honor of my uncle. She loved him and loves him dearly. If I try to tell her [i]now[/i], I've got a good chance of being disowned.

To my closest AIM buddies: this is what I mean about the secret that would follow me to the grave, but I just couldn't hold it in anymore. Even if I can't tell my family, my church (my uncle donated a LOT to the church), or anyone, I felt I could still tell my online family.

I don't know if you who read this will be disgusted/ashamed/or whatever. I just had to get this out after all these years. This was very difficult for me to write, but I already feel my soul getting lighter for it.

[Genkai]

OMG. I Don't know what to say, but that you are VERY brave to tell us all this.

A lot of people will tell you to tell the police, but that's really h ard, because first of all, he's dead, so it won't do much good. Your parents will find out and get mad.

And you said something about disownment. That's hard to comprehend.

It's really hard to tell, I know. I won't go any farther with how I know.

If you can't even tell your church....

The problem is, people wont believe you, ESPECIALLY if they loved that person.

I don't know what to say. Can you prove it? That would be the best way, but...I dunno how you can..


I'm really sorry, and I literally feel your pain. I know how it feels.

You are very brave.

[Transtic Nerve]

Many children, and even adults in many cases, never EVER tell when they have been sexually abused. Often it's women who are abused, so naturally it's more women who never say anything then men. Even if you look at today, alot of rapes, I'm not sure the exact number, are NEVER even reported, let alone done anything about. And if they are reported, it's normally too late to do anything. And these are grown women half the time. Sexual molestation in children has been something that never seems to make the spotlight. Because children don't tell alot of times. Either because the person doing it told them not to (usually the person is older and the child has a fear of them) or they feel ashamed (which is the case in many rapes). Why? I dunno. I really can't tell you why people feel that way. I confuses me how someone can let something so horrible happen to them and then not do anything about it. But, I will can't understand it because it has never happened to me.

It always helps to tell someone. As I've figured out with other things. Telling one person you don't know may be better than telling no one at all.

What I THINK you should do is tell your family. Whomever that may be. Mother, father, brother. And then, if your nightmares still happen, you may need to see a psychiatrist. There are medicines that help with dealing with certain mental pain and there are ways to deal with it. Good luck to you. And i'm so sorry this had to happen to you.

[Solo Tremaine]

Ginny, I'm really sorry to hear all you've been through. I can't imagine what it must be like to have to live with that pain.

The thing to remember, even if you can't tell anyone about it, is that it's all over, and he can't do anything more to hurt you or your family. It's unfortunate that you're not able to tell anyone about it, though- they may not even want to know for years, with a state of denial over them. It will come as a shock to them whenever they hear it, either now or later. I think you should try and tell someone, though. They can't deny it forever.

The nightmares should pass eventually. I would recommend seeing a therapist (you may do already) if they persist, because they do know how to help make these things easier to deal with.

I wish that there was more that I could say to help. You're very brave to have put up with all this. Good luck, and I hope things pick up for you soon.

[Dan L]

I kind of guessed the whole time that that's what you meant whenever you mentioned the secret in your blog (although I never assumed, nor did I know who specifically did it). the reason for that is that my Mum went through exactly the same thing in her childhood, and I only found out about that a few months ago, but the way that she talked about this thing I couldn't know about (at the time) was the same way that you referred to it in your blog. One thing I can say about my Mum is that since she told people about it, it kind of seemed to her like a weight lifted from her after dragging her down for a long time. But there's more than that.. one of the first things she had to learn as a Christian was to forgive- even the person that did that to her (I don't know who it was), and eventually she could. Now, when she tells people her testimony, people are moved tremendously. On one hand, it's a terrible experience, but to people who see, or hear about, how you got over it, it can be a very powerful thing too.

The thing is, I really don't know how to react to it.. realy.. I mean, I had no idea when my Mum told me either. I understand the kind of suffering that it entails, or rather, I understand that it entails a [i]lot[/i] of suffering. Obviously I can never really understand the suffering itself. But I really didn't understand why people should (or would) think any less of someone for something like that.. mostly because I see it as someone else's bad actions and not your own.

On a very Christian note: God doesn't stop bad things happening all the time, but he makes the best out of any situation, and can make you, and others, stronger in faith (among other things) by helping you pull through a bad situation. I think you could seriously help others, having been through the experience yourself.

[DeathKnight]

[color=crimson]I dont know you that well Ginny, I wish I did, but I do indeed feel sorry about this. It's really sad, honestly, that you've had to deal with this. It isnt fair to you, either, to have to have held it in either- Because when you hold things in, the pain obviously feels like it increases from never ceasing.

I really hate people like your Uncle. I guess i'm pissed off too much, but this deserves to be pissed off about.

I dont know what else to say. Words dont really match humans well, even if we use them alot.[/color]

[Sara]

[size=1]First things first... ::hugs you::

I suppose you'd feel weird if I told you I already knew..

But Ginny, I love you to death. Mmkay?[/size]

[Syn]

I dont know you at all, and theres nothing I can say, telling you that I feel sorry for you wouldnt help, I know it wouldnt make me feel any better. Seems to me that you've gone through it and thats that, only thing left is to get over it. Nightmares will go away in time, and im definately sure that posting this on here wasn't the best thing. Of course this is just me, some might call it bravery, coming out of your shell and what not, but whatever anyone says, none of this can help you. You just have to keep strong.


As for my views on the subject in general, I think its indecent and wrong. There isn't much that authorities can do in the matter other than insist the child tell a responsable adult, while this might not seem like a good idea at the time, it cant be much worse than it is now.

[Charles]

It's always tough to talk about personal problems like this. It's the kind of mental and emotional damage that can't really be healed, only helped. One of my best friends was sexually abused and so was my mom when she was young. So, I can understand where you're coming from somewhat.

I agree with Transtic Nerve. You should see a psychiatrist regarding these issues. It will benefit you greatly to discuss these problems with a professional and come to terms with them the best you can. You could also join a group with other people who have endured similar abuse.

Getting this secret off your shoulders is definitely a great step in coming to terms with what happened and learning to deal with it. Eventually your family should know. I think it would be better for your mother to know the truth, than to idolize a man like your uncle. Now might not be the time, but you can take the steps I mentioned and learn from the strength of others, and lend them your own strength. It might make you feel really good to help other people who have gone through what you have.

Someday I'm sure that you'll be able to sit down with your mother and discuss it. I would hope that she can understand and trust you, even if it hurts her.

[Genkai]

It IS brave Kenji, but you're right. She does need to keep strong.

But to keep strong.. Nightmares, etc. And her family would DISOWN her?

I know how you feel aobut being abused, since I went through the same situation, but my parents wouldn't disown me, I just don't think they'd believe me....


My church might, but that would lead to my parents finding out. *sigh8

I feel your pain. Stay strong.

[GinnyLyn]

I'm not out to get revenge on my uncle for what he did...I think all I really wanted was to finally get this out. Which I have. And it HAS helped a lot.

The nightmares are still an issue for me, but I'll take your advice about seeing my doctor about it.

Thank you all for reading and responding. This, like I said, has helped me tremendously.

[Genkai]

I've only had one nightmare about me being abused, which was about a year after it happened...

It was probably the worst dream ever, because it was replaying what happened but the person who abused me (shall remain anonymous) was talking about how he'd get my brother next, so I wanted it to stop because it was so horrible, but I didn't want my brother to get hurt.

It was horrible.

[James]

[color=#507AAC]I don't think anything that any of us says will really come close to addressing your problem, Ginny.

What I will say is that I'm very proud of you for sharing your feelings and being honest. As someone else here said, that takes a great deal of courage.

My personal opinion is that you should tell your family about your uncle. They should know his true nature. I know that's much easier said than done...and I guess I can only tell you what I would do if it were me. And so, that's why any advice I offer you is probably going to be very inadequate.

At the very least, I hope that you feel you can talk to me or anyone else here about things like this. I'm not a close friend like others here, but I'm always willing to listen.[/color]

[Juu]

[color=deeppink] [size=1]*hugs Ginny*
I'm really sorry about that... It must've been terrifing. ><

We're really glad you were able to tell us Ginny. I hope we're helping in some way...

*hands you Auron Plushie*

I hope you feel a little better now that you've been able to tell some people instead of keeping it to yourself. I'm really surprised you were strong enough to be able to hold it in for so long.[/color] [/size]

[GinnyLyn]

*hugs Auron plushie and smiles softly at Juu*

Sometimes I wonder if I would have turned out different if this had never happened...but thank you all again for listening. Like I told Sara earlier this evening, if I had known it would have made me felt this lighter...freer...without the fear of being rejected...I would have spoken sooner.

[Shaun]

Ginny, we've already talked about this. I just wanted to re-emphasize the fact that you are an increadibly strong girl. Holding all that in would drive most people to the asylum. But you didn't. Mostly because of your faith, but partly due to your will. You are amazing Ginny lyn, but you know that, right? ;)

[Genkai]

You're strong, everyone's right.

As I said, I experienced the same situation, but you have nightmares and stuff, and your parents really liked this guy.. It's a worse situation than me....

*gives Ginny a hug*

[Queen Asuka]

[color=indigo][size=1]Hey Ginny, I'm glad that you felt you could open yourself up here on the Otaku Boards to all of us people that you don't know in real life. I really wish I could be a close friend who could be there for you, but all you can have is my heartfelt words.

I am really sorry that you can't tell your mother. She should be the MOST understanding person, you know? And I feel bad because I really can't relate, but all I can do is give encouraging ones. You know you are someone I look up to. ^_^ *Huggles her tightly*[/color][/size]

[Hyper]

Ginny, you're a brave person to come out and say this.
Although I wouldn't know much to say, since I can't really relate.
But stay strong :)

*Gives Ginny more Auron plushies*

[Genkai]

*throws more love plushies at Ginny*

You deserve them!!!! You're way stronger than me, no one but you guys know about me being abused...so far..

[TheShinje]

*gives ginny more plushies*

What to say. Excuse me if i seem awkward, but this thread really blew me away. Ginny, you are very strong to have come out and told the Otaku community what this sicko has done, Speaking for myself in this situation, I'm suire I would have just curled up into a ball for the rest of my life wallowing in despair and self pity. But you havent, and that is testimony to your strong character.

It took me a while to find the words, and that's why I didn't replie sooner. With the "coming out threads" by Shyguy and Lailaith Ril, and now this. I feel that otakuboards is, and will be a place for family discussions and, a place where you can let your secrets be known withoput ridicule and rumor spreading.

I'm proud of you Ginny, and of Otakuboards too, I see this as the year of understanding. ^^

[Frankie]

*sighs for ginny*

You know what girl...

i have been too...

but... not by my uncle.. heck i never knew mine..

but by my very own sister or yeah... somehting like that ... i was so young at the time.. .nto even in school


But you know i wasent gonna pry your secret out... i just hoped you wouldent be so... depressed on aim...then i gave you that strickt talking to....

I hope your doing better dear

[Duo Maxwell]

Ginny, you should tell your family though, because you never know if he did it to any of your younger relatives or just any of your other relitaves.
But you are very brave in telling us, I know how hard it is to tell someone about something that you feel ashamed about

[muetank]

i feal your pain. its kinda like the time my frend came out and told me he was gay. at first i tought he was just kiding but the i looked at him and .....he wasent. at first i dident want to acsept that fact so i just ducked him for a wile untill acseptince set in and we are still the frends we were when we first met.

[Desbreko]

[color=indigo]I really need to visit this forum more often, so I don't end up hearing about these things a couple weeks after they're posted and end up not replying for a long time. >_<

Well, first off, I just want to say I'm sorry you're having to go through all this. No one should have to go through this, and I think you've been very strong to be able to endure it for so long. Never having been in a similar situation, I can't really give very good advice, except just to say to try and stay strong.

Myself, I tend to hold things like this in, and never talk about them if I don't absolutely have to. I know how hard it is to come out and talk about things, and I think you're very brave to just come out and tell everyone like this. My respect for you hasn't diminished from learning about this, but rather, it's grown because you were able to talk about it.

Like I said, I haven't been in a similar situation, so I can't really say I feel your pain. I can imagine what it must be like, but I don't think I could ever actually know. However, I can say that God knows what you're going through, and that He uses all things for good. I know it's hard to remember that sometimes, but sometimes it can help to remember that something good will come out of it all.

I will definitely pray for you. And I may not know you very well, but if you ever want to talk, I'm here, and I'm a good listener, even if I can't give very good advice.[/color]