Writing More Angry Student

[Shy]

[size=1]"Angry Student" is the name of my blog, and the name of my regular opinions column in the school newspaper. I complain about several things usually. I don't know if these are rough drafts or what, these are basically just what I found lying around on my hard drive. Enjoy...

[b]September 2002[/b]

?I?m not popular enough to do drugs,?

It was a simple response, and my parents were just curious. It wasn?t as though they thought I was actually doing anything. My answer surprised them more than I thought it would. When they were in high school ?druggies? were made fun of and criticized, but this is 2002, and the times have definitely changed. They wanted to know why the school was not doing anything to try and prevent this from happening, but the sad truth is that they were. 10 years of Red Ribbon Weeks and D.A.R.E. may have influenced me, but the programs were not as effective to everyone else. Nearly one in ten high school students regularly does one of dozens of different types of drugs -- and by the end of the year 10,000 die because of it.

The good news is that I never had to worry about them. My popularity is my anti-drug. I don?t speak to many people in my classes, so the chances of ever being offered to ?go rave? are pretty slim. Unfortunately not everyone is as gifted with social awkwardness as I am. The ?in-crowd? at ALHS is forced to fend for themselves. Football players, cheerleaders and even the academic overachievers have been known to experiment with these controlled substances. I?m not concerned with alcohol, although far too many students celebrate the end of the week by spending an evening with Jack Daniels.

Would my parents even notice if I started smoking pot or injecting myself with Heroin? Probably, but that doesn?t mean everyone else?s would. This issue has gone unchecked for so longs that many people begin to forget that it is an issue at all. In every one of my classes there is at least one person who is a shining example of how drugs cause brain damage. Sobriety is not as easy to spot as one would think, but when I overhear a conversation about the finer points of bong-usage I can make an educated guess.

So the real question is, if this problem persists, who is to blame? It would be wrong to blame the parents, because they are so busy working that they do not have the time to care for their children. We can?t blame the school, because the D.A.R.E program does an amazing job of getting students out of class to watch videos. And of course, we can?t blame them ourselves, because that would just be ridiculous.

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[b]June 2002[/b]

What is going on with the Powerade at our school? Every day in between second and third period I go to the Powerade vending machine located by the quad to get a drink, but there is always something wrong with it. Half of the time it is sold out, but when I do manage to catch the machine with some drinks left in it, they always give me the wrong one. I press the yellow Powerade button, and I get the red one; I press the blue Powerade button, and it gives me a bottle of water. I am not trying to waste my dollar on a ?Powerade Slot Machine,? I have a better chance of winning the lottery than getting the correct flavor of Powerade I want.

Lately the weather has been hot, so I need to get a drink at lunch as well. But I have noticed that during lunchtime the Powerade machines are always sold out. This is not a strange coincidence, because miraculously the machine is in stock with Powerade by the end of the day. Where does the Powerade go during lunch? The student store! The school?s student store sells Powerade during lunch at the inflated price of one dollar and twenty-five cents, the people at the student store must have very little faith in it?s customers intellects. ASB has nothing better to do than a organize Powerade-Laundering operations, they spend all of fourth period making posters!

Unfortunately these attempts to earn money do not stop at Powerade. Huge price increases of everything from dance tickets to candy bars have spread throughout campus, and they are getting worse all of the time. Senior ?Grad Night? was moved from Edison Field to Scandia (cough,) but the seniors sill didn?t care because of the price of tickets. Everyone realized that fifty dollars is too expensive for a night of miniature golf and go-karts, and eventually it was canceled because of its popularity. Nobody wants to pay seventy dollars to spend their homecoming in an abandoned warehouse, people can protest the choice of dance locations by not going, or talking to their student government officers instead of crying about it afterwards. The mess of this year?s ?Grad Night? is a very important event at ALHS, because for the first time it shows that students on campus can make an impact on what happens at their schools.

Finally people are learning that ASB stands for Associated Student Body, and that if they don?t like something they can protest it by not participating. ASB needs the student?s money a lot more than the student?s need their posters, the organization is only as important as individuals allow it to be.

The truth is that students are just as responsible for trying to fix things at ALHS as the student government is. If nothing is said about the needs and desires of the population, how can its elected officials know what to do? It is the responsibility of every person to take an active role in politics and government, before power hungry facists end up building weapons of mass destruction, or raising the price of my favorite sports drinks.

Things can get better in the future, but until that day I am getting my Powerade from the supermarket.

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[b]Unpublished as of yet[/b]

After doing miserably in the last round of standardized tests, our high school has decided to strike out against illiteracy and overall stupidity. A new course of action has needed be taken for years, but this would change not just how people do on standardized tests, but how they learn and spend their free time. Slowly it has spread like wildfire across the nation, and Alta Loma High School was next. For weeks we had seen the posters and flyers, anxiously we awaited its entrance, but when it came, it arrived with a cough rather than a boom. What exactly was SSR supposed to do again?

Every day the entire student body of ALHS engages in required reading for the newly enforced SSR program. The idea is simple enough: if everyone reads for fifteen minutes a day, their reading skills will improve and the school will be able to bask in all of high test scores that would follow. But nothing has gone according to plan.

There are the students who use this as an opportunity to enhance their spiritual awareness through meditation. By phasing out all of the distractions around them they are able to achieve true Zen, and I am told that the fifteen minutes pass by much more quickly than if they were actually reading. Some try to not-so-secretly finish their homework from the day before while others choose to pretend that they are reading, wildly flipping through the pages of whatever they have in their backpack for the duration the time. What do these people have in common? None of them are reading!

But the truth is that the biggest obstacle facing SSR is that it allows everyone to read whatever they want. Now, you must be thinking, ?But isn?t that a good thing?? No. While the more advanced students (who have never had to worry about their testing scores in the first place) are enjoying this extra time to catch up on research projects and essays, for everyone else this is a colossal waste of time.

And of the slight minority who actually do read, only a few of them are reading something that will improve their reading skills. The beauty and the flaw of SSR is the limitless choice that it gives. One could read ?Crime and Punishment?, while another could be reading an issue of Maxim magazine (they have great letters to the editor, by the way). Generally, the same types of students who willingly read in order to challenge themselves are the kind who the school never has to worry about falling behind in their reading ability. If people are not going to read their class work and assignments, what makes anyone think that they are going to read something that they are not graded on?

Of course, if the school wanted SSR to succeed they would try to emphasize its importance. Aside from a book drive at the beginning of the year, very little has been to encourage this. Twice a week, SSR is regularly cut short so that the daily announcements could be read over the PA system. They must have decided that fifteen minutes of reading was too much for our students to handle. Considering that this is only the first quarter of SSR, I begin to wonder if this will be able to last past the first year.

There is no clear-cut solution to this problem, but the best way to encourage reading is by forcing people to read more in their English classes. Education is a process done in steps. You have to start small, and then you can eventually move on to larger projects. If I was able to notice any sort of discrepancy between the reading habits of freshmen, and the reading habits of seniors I could be satisfied. Everyone reads at their own rate, but someone should be urging students to find reading material that is better suited to their ability. ZPD scores (which measure a person?s reading level) seem more like helpful suggestions than anything else. It bothers me that same freshmen are reading the same ?Goosebumps? books that entertained me while I was in third grade, and it bothers me when a program full of promise, like SSR is not able to live up to its potential.

-Shy[/size]

[Mitch]

[color=red] Shy, it seems you are very talented in Journalism. It's very good, the second one even made me laugh. I don't know why you're so scared to post your writing up here. You have talent. I want to see more.[/color]

[Sara]

[size=1]::grins at Shy:: Heh. I love the irony you use in these things.

I remember you talking about the reading thing a while back.

They are very good, Shy. [/size]

[Mitch]

[color=red] Shy, you told me to try and critique this. So I'll try.

There's not much wrong with it at all, to tell you the truth. Because, you are a good writer, even though you seem to hide out and try and not let that be seen.

So I can't really say anything negative about this work you've presented, I'd have to see more to do that, but I can tell you what you did right.[/color]


[quote][size=1]?I?m not popular enough to do drugs,"[/quote][/size]

[color=red] Right here is something I'd love to tell you you did something well on. This is one the key tools writers use. They [i]show[/i] instead of tell. See, Shy, for this beginning of this article, you could've just said something like this: My parents think I'm doing drugs. I'm not popular enough.

Although it would be longer than that perhaps, see my point? By showing instead of just flat out telling, you keep the reader in tune, and keep them reading. [/color]

[size=1][quote]What is going on with the Powerade at our school? Every day in between second and third period I go to the Powerade vending machine located by the quad to get a drink, but there is always something wrong with it. Half of the time it is sold out, but when I do manage to catch the machine with some drinks left in it, they always give me the wrong one. I press the yellow Powerade button, and I get the red one; I press the blue Powerade button, and it gives me a bottle of water. I am not trying to waste my dollar on a ?Powerade Slot Machine,? I have a better chance of winning the lottery than getting the correct flavor of Powerade I want.[/size][/quote]

[color=red]This is also a great paragraph. It was one of the most interesting to me, and funny out of the entire series of articles and such you posted. This is another tool that is very good--a sense of irony. It makes something as dull and boring as powerade, and gives it seemingly a humorous and funny slant. But you certainly can go too far, and become too ironic, causing the entire article to become watered down, and rather boring. See, that's what writers learn--balance. Balance in that they learn the right way to consistently combine all of their sort of tools, as you might call them, and put bits and pieces of each inside the article, or whatever it may be.

This little paragraph also is an anetdote, also. A story within a story. You see, this isn't actually the main focus of the article--at least not to me--it was a focus on how the powerade machine always is empty, and how it bothers you. And also, it is about how expensive some things can be, possibly, too. Anecdotes are another writing tool. They are pretty good ones, too, since people love being told stories...

So, thus ends my pointless blurb. I hoped you learned a bit.

[spoiler][And I also hope you post more ^_^][/spoiler][/color]

[Shy]

[size=1][b]From March 2002[/b]
Donkeys. What comes into our minds when these words are uttered: Flies? Stubborness? No? Opression! for hundreds of years these noble creatures have been the subjects of ridicule and enslavement by ?the man.? They are forced to carry heavy loads on their backs, and are commonly used in movies to kick people in the rear end. This is a blatant exploitation of a fine breed of animal, and the prejudice and intolerance many have against donkeys must end today. It should be the goal of every last person on earth to save them from the punishment, which has plagued them for centuries. Here is my three- step plan to save the donkeys and give peace to these beasts of burden once and for all.

The main problem facing the donkeys is the attitudes many people have towards them. These feelings have deep-roots dating back to the first anti-donkey parade held by Nero Caesar in the golden age of the Roman Empire. Groups such as the Donkey Defamation Divas have been implanting anti-donkey propaganda into the minds of unwilling Americans since the days of the Revolutionary War. Donkeys need to feel that the general public accepts them, and in order to this we must exercise the power of mass media. I propose that the major Hollywood Studios begin featuring donkey characters in their movies and television shows. Yes, the donkey stereotypes and is still offensive to donkeys everywhere.

It is not fair to discriminate against them because of their choice of a donkey lifestyle and new television series such as ?Donkeys Creek,? ?Donkey Squad,? and Everybody Loves Donkeys? will bring greater awareness of the donkey population. Donkey pride parades are not allowed in many cities where the anti-donkey sentiments still exist. In order to make up for the government?s apathy towards the donkeys, the month of May should be set as Donkey history Month. Great donkey leaders such as Don Keyhote would be remembered during this time, and they will have a chance to have their place in our nation?s history.

Stereotyping is a big problem with donkeys, now more than ever. People naturally assume that donkeys are good for nothing other than to carry fat people down the Grand Canyon, but this is simply not the case. There have been several great donkey scientists over the years, which have contributed to society in such ways as the invention of the no-stick saddle. In many third world countries, donkeys are the primary form of transportation: these animals are much more affordable than standard automobiles, especially since the concept of donkey insurance has yet to catch on among the people who are more concerned with overthrowing their oppressive dictators than protecting their donkeys from theft. Even though donkeys aid many people everyday, they are still not acknowledged with the same acceptance as that of Pigmy Tribesman or even Lawyers, and it will take organized sports to accomplish this.

This bring me to the crowning glory of this proposal: Donkey basketball. Since the first Olympics were held in ancient Greece, men and women from all walks of life have been able to compete in a safe and friendly environment. However, donkeys have never been invited to participate in these worldwide athletic events. Aside from the scandel of the 1984 games? pin the tail on donkey events the International Olympic Committee fails to recognize donkeys. But where they fail, local high school excel in their open-mindedness to the four hoofed Competitors.

Donkey Basketball is a great event in the history of donkeys. It gives many donkeys a first chance to play a game of hoofs with high school and biology teachers. Even though 20 years ago you would never see the kind of unity that our high school Staff has with these creatures. This is only a first step in the march towards acceptance for the donkey, and in the future they will only achieve further greatness. I look forward to a world where a donkey can go to the park and play with human children, and I know that the second one shows up on the ballot I will vote for an *** to enter the White House.

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(The rest are not my normal "Angry Student" columns. These are assorted articles that I wanted to post so, that you get a better idea of what I have to write. 5 stories an issue, ugh.)

[b]From June, 2003[/b]

Ice Cream: More Than You Need To Know

The foul temptress that is ice cream takes no prisoners. Over the centuries great civilizations have been torn apart by the greed and evil that surrounds the frozen delicacy. There is more history involved with the cool dish than many realize. Did you know that German spies during World War II were paid in Vanilla Fudge? Or that four holy wars have been fought over the area known as ?Chunky Monkey Peak?? Well there is a good reason you don?t know that because none of it is true! In fact, most of the stories surrounding ice cream are rumors and myth that have compiled over the centuries, in this article the truth will be uncovered and the accurate origins of the popular dessert will be revealed.

The first recorded instance of ice cream was by the famous explorer Marco Polo. Supposedly the Chinese had been eating a form if ice cream made of goat milk, flour and snow since the Tang Dynasty (618-907 A.D.) Polo took the recipe for the dish to his homeland of Italy. Italian chef Catherine de?Medici somehow learned the secret of this cool treat, and took it with her when she left for France. While in France, Catherine married one of the most prominent chefs in the world, Dimarco, who showed the flavored frost to King Charles I of France. The King became an ice cream fanatic, and he gave Dimarco a lifetime pension in exchange that he would not tell the secret recipe to anyone else. This secret arrangement lasted for years, until King Charles was beheaded by his angry subjects in 1649. Unknown by the King, the secret of Ice Cream had already been leaked across Europe, where the ingredients were eventually changed to the popular delicacy we know and gorge on today.

But this story may not be entirely true, or even remotely true. Several noted ice cream historians (yes, there really are ice cream historians) believe that ice cream was not discovered by one sole person, but rather it was made by several different people from all over the world. Obviously, some locations on Earth are warmer than others, but ice cream was able to stay cool in places as remote and hot as the Sahara Desert. Before the invention of the refrigerator people would keep their food and drinks chilly with a mixture of ice and salt. In extremely hot and arid regions people kept things cold by keeping the food and drinks buried underground, which some still do today. The ice was extremely expensive, and in the past only the very rich and powerful could afford to buy it.

Over time the recipes to make ice cream have evolved, and so have ways to make the treats. Roman Emperor Nero Caesar forced his slaves to climb to the top of local mountains, so that he could have ice cream to put his favorite fruit toppings on. Fruit has historically been the most popular topping on ice cream, but over the past two centuries chocolate and candy have become the treat that people scream to have put on their ice cream. The ice cream cone was created in 1896, and the waffle cone was invented at the St. Louis World?s Fair in 1904.

There is a lot of cold hard cash in the ice cream business, and every year more and more companies try their hand at selling ice cream. Since Irv Robbins opened his first store in 1945 with a meager 24 flavors, much lower than the standard 31 there are today. Robbins? first ice cream store was not known as ?Baskin-Robbins? that name came later when he combined his business with his rival?s (his brother-in-law Burt Baskin) ice cream company to create the world?s first Baskin-Robbins. Today Baskin-Robbins is the largest chain of ice cream stores in the country, with countless locations nationwide. Childhood friends Ben Cohen and Jerry Greenfield opened an ice cream store out of a renovated gas station in 1978. With their innovative flavors such as ?Chunky Monkey? and ?Cherry Garcia? they became one of the most popular ice cream stores, and now sell ?Ben and Jerry? brand treats in grocery stores and supermarkets around the country.

Ice Cream is one of the most popular desserts ever created. In the US, it is the king of frozen treats, every year Americans eat approximately 4.5 billion quarts of the stuff a year. On average 5 million people in the US eat ice cream during the course of a day, these figures do not include frozen yogurt or other imposters who are trying to take a piece of the big ice cream cake.

The truth is that no matter who invented it or where it came from, ice cream will always be everyone?s favorite frozen dessert. And even though it may not be the product of a government conspiracy, it still tastes good.

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[b]Also from June, 2002[/b]

Jordan Hann: Athlete Spotlight

It didn?t matter that he had already received a college scholarship, or that he had already gone far beyond the reach of his competition. Jordan Hann?s indomitable spirit perseveres as he continues to chase his dreams on the fast track of success.

?My brother was involved in cross country track and field, so I just wanted to be like him.?

Jordan Hann, senior, is one of the most gifted and talented track team members on campus. Early on he joined the school?s track program following in his brother?s footsteps, but he eventually managed to stride out of his siblings shadow and into the spotlight. He set new times in several events and he ?beat his brother?s times? by a lot,? even surpassing not only the records of his colleagues but the expectations of the entire ALHS track department. At the beginning of this year, Hann was ranked sixth in the state of California, becoming the highest ranked Track and Field competitor in the history of ALHS.

All of this prestige did not come without its sacrifices. In order to stay in shape Hann is forced to run for miles each and every day.

?It is pretty hard [training] because you want to do the things you want to do, like hang out with friends, but you need to train.?

However, Hann chooses to dedicate his time and effort to preparing for the track meets and competitions.

?I don?t mind it. I love to run; it is something I would do for fun.?

In addition to his four Varsity letters and two years of participating in state competitions, Hann has received one of the few things all high school students vie for, a full college scholarship. This honor came from Cal State Fullerton, where he will begin classes fall. Hann will study history, in hopes of one day becoming a teacher. While Hann does not expect to ever compete in the Olympic Games, he is not yet ready to throw in the towel.

?If I can [go to the Olympics], that would be awesome. I want to win the gold. But if it doesn?t happen, it doesn?t happen.?

No matter what Hann?s goals turn out to be in the future it is certain that he will try his best at achieving it, and hurdle over any obstacles in his way.

-Shy[/size]

[Sara]

[SIZE=1]:twitch:

Don Keyhote.

....

Do you know how long it was before I realized the guy's name [i]wasn't[/i] "Donkey Hotay"?






Anyway.

Shy, that whole thing was [i]perfect.[/i][/SIZE]

[Ben]

Masterful :D I absolutely loved it.

"Unfortunately not everyone is as gifted with social awkwardness as I am."

Marvelous. I have the same gift, but I've never seen it as such. Thank you for being such an inspirationalist.




:P Great Job Shy, keep it up.

[Tasrai]

[COLOR=green]Wow I was entranced you are really good at this!

"Unfortunately not everyone is as gifted with social awkwardness as I am."

Same here, made me feel alittle better even though, I really don't mind, I like my solitude.

Anyway I loved them especially the powerade, ice-dream, donkey one, heck! I liked them all! Keep writing I mean it.

P.S. I like donkeys!

~Raiye[/color]

[spike speigel]

Hey, those were really good. I agree with what you said in the first article you posted, and the Powerade one was hilarious. Keep writing and posting your articles here. I'll be sure to read 'em in the future.

[Shy]

[size=1][b]This Upcoming Issue, March 2003[/b]

The conclusion needs work, that is why I am working on it now..

Neck pains, high fevers, headaches, seizures and vomiting: the effects of contracting meningitis are extremely dangerous, but there are some lesser-known symptoms that can be just as damaging. Not too long ago a student here contracted a severe case of bacterial meningitis, causing an epidemic of suspicion and fear. Rumors started to spread throughout campus. People who had come in contact with the infected student, began to worry that they were susceptible to the disease. Many students spent their lunch period talking to others about the ?plague?. The average ALHS student cannot even pronounce ?bacterial meningitis? let alone know its symptoms and causes, and soon everyone began to fear that they were at risk.

Suddenly people became afraid of something that they knew absolutely nothing about. But this seems to be common today; we live in a society where the media enforces new brands of paranoia every day. Something completely new and even more terrifying than the day before is always there to make Americans worry during the nightly news. One day killer sharks are attacking innocent swimmers, the next day Michael Jackson is endangering the lives of his children, the day after that Michael Jackson hires Voodoo priests to make killer sharks attack innocent swimmers. Because of this sensationalistic news, people become paranoid, and duct tape sales go up.

There is too much important information out there to fit into a thirty-minute nightly newscast; important issues and politics cannot be simply explained in little sound bytes. That is why most people have absolutely no idea what is going on in the world around them. Students began to think that they had contracted meningitis, even though they did not know any of the real symptoms. A simple cough or sneeze was enough to make people feel uneasy, so it was unbelievably important that the school inform people of the facts of the disease and the case at school. Days passed before any real action was taken by administration, and during this time a large number of people ended up thinking that they actually had the virus.

Misinformation is how rumors and gossip get started in the first place. If the school had made a formal announcement about meningitis as soon as it had started there would have been no need to send out individual letters to every parent. Fortunately no other cases of bacterial meningitis have been reported; but so much had time had passed before the letter was sent that a genuine outbreak could have occurred on campus without parents? knowledge. The school attempted to protect the privacy of the initial student involved, which is the main reason that action was not taken sooner; but keeping information like this from the student body endangered the health of others. I don?t expect the school to tell me when the person who sits next to me in English catches a cold, but would they smile politely and pretend that nothing had happened if I contracted the ebola? The only way I learned about the Meningitis scare in the first place was from another student. Their information was not 100% accurate, which only made me more nervous.

The disease itself was not the biggest issue, everyone?s complete ignorance and how they reacted was. By now most have already forgotten about what was so critical and life-threatening just two weeks ago. But I'm sure that the next person to fall asleep during PE will end up being diagnosed with the bubonic plague.

-Shy[/size]

[Mitch]

[color=red] Some of it is spotty. I can tell this is really rough draft here. [/color]

[quote][size=1] don?t expect the school to tell me when the person who sits next to me in English catches a cold, but would they smile politely and pretend that nothing had happened if I contracted the ebola? [/quote]

[quote]Suddenly people became afraid of something that they knew absolutely nothing about. But this seems to be common today; we live in a society where the media enforces new brands of paranoia every day. Something completely new and even more terrifying than the day before is always there to make Americans worry during the nightly news. One day killer sharks are attacking innocent swimmers, the next day Michael Jackson is endangering the lives of his children, the day after that Michael Jackson hires Voodoo priests to make killer sharks attack innocent swimmers. Because of this sensationalistic news, people become paranoid, and duct tape sales go up.[/quote][/size]

[color=red] Those few lines that I quoted there need some work. The contraction 'but' doesn't seem right. I don't know how to explain it, but that needs some revising there. It just doesn't flow as well as the overall other contexts and texts do.

The second one, the long paragraph. I brought it up because here I sort of zoned off and lost interest. It just doesn't seem focused on what you are trying to say. But I do like the duct tape thing, I found that interesting.

Overally, this is good. But really, I am kind of left wondering [i]what[/i] meningitis is. You need to get some facts in there. Also, you didn't explain too well what exactly [i]happened[/i]. I know that a student caught it and so on. But I want the details.

This then leads me to wonder why you didn't get an interview with the student. It would've made it entirely better. Because with a person you can tell a story. With a person you actually get more. I suppose you're tight for time or you couldn't get the student for an interview. But as my Journalism teaches says--you have to be a marine when you're a journalist. You have to find a way. Such as you could've interviewed the principal and so on.

Or maybe I am utterly mistaken and this is just an editorial, opinion article. I'm sure that's the case. It is good, but I can see a lot of work that can be done to it. Mainly more details. It's so vague. But good job.[/color]

[Shy]

[QUOTE][i]Originally posted by Mitch [/i]
[B][color=red]Overall, this is good. But really, I am kind of left wondering [i]what[/i] meningitis is. You need to get some facts in there. Also, you didn't explain too well what exactly [i]happened[/i]. I know that a student caught it and so on. But I want the details.

This then leads me to wonder why you didn't get an interview with the student. It would've made it entirely better. Because with a person you can tell a story. With a person you actually get more. I suppose you're tight for time or you couldn't get the student for an interview. But as my Journalism teaches says--you have to be a marine when you're a journalist. You have to find a way. Such as you could've interviewed the principal and so on.

Or maybe I am utterly mistaken and this is just an editorial, opinion article. I'm sure that's the case. It is good, but I can see a lot of work that can be done to it. Mainly more details. It's so vague. But good job.[/color] [/B][/QUOTE]
[size=1]This [i]is[/i] an editorial Mitch. I chose to leave a lot of details out because we have a front page news story about Meningitis, my editorial is in response to that. It is kind of unfiar to not let you read the article, but I don't have a copy.. and it's really, really long.

Generally opinions articles should not have quotes. I write an editorial to state [b]my[/b] opinion, not someone else's. If this were a new story it would be a really poor one, news articles should be written objectively.

I'll try to search for a copy of the article for you....

-Shy[/size]

[Mitch]

[QUOTE][i]Originally posted by Shyguy [/i]
[B][size=1]This [i]is[/i] an editorial Mitch. I chose to leave a lot of details out because we have a front page news story about Meningitis, my editorial is in response to that. It is kind of unfiar to not let you read the article, but I don't have a copy.. and it's really, really long.

Generally opinions articles should not have quotes. I write an editorial to state [b]my[/b] opinion, not someone else's. If this were a new story it would be a really poor one, news articles should be written objectively.

I'll try to search for a copy of the article for you....

-Shy[/size] [/B][/QUOTE]

[color=red] Ah, as I thought. Disregard all of what I said pretty much, then. Then for an editorial I will have to say--be opinionated. It isn't opinionated enough. If you really, really, really, really do feel something for this story, I know I would've felt it.

Opinion papers have to be strong then. You really didn't say any opinions in this paper. You didn't go out and into this topic. At least that's how I see it. I jus think it could be stronger, Shy. But it [i]is[/i] good. Just...if it is an opinion/ an editorial, then where is [i]your[/i] opinion in it? I know and I can see some of it, but you need to make this thing damned strong if you want it to be good.

Ack, ah well. What do I know. Heh, you've been in Journalism much longer. Ah well. I tried.[/color]

[Sara]

[size=1]I liked the line about ebola...

I also know how to pronounce [i]bacterial meningitis[/i]. Oh, I'm so cool.

I...eh... Sorry, Shy. I wanted to post something, but just sort of blanked out.[/size]

[Shy]

[size=1][b]From April, 2003[/b]

Life is tough in the big house. Four years have been tough on me, but my sentence is finally coming to a close. Only a few more weeks in this hole and I will soon be a free man. Still, the wardens are making sure that we remain locked up until the very last minute.

Gradually, the administration made an effort to turn our school into a penitentiary. New restrictions have been placed, severely limiting the access students have to their own school. During lunch, the doors to both ?A? and ?B? buildings are locked in order to stop people from bringing their lunches into classrooms and making a mess. But what other options are available to students? The quad is a frightening place for some, where gigantic cliques have claimed anything with shade, and any available space is on some empty patches of pavement. As a freshman I had absolutely no idea where to eat my lunch. Older students had already claimed their positions, forcing me and a few of my friends into a remote and dark corner near the phone booths.

Within a few weeks that spot was taken away from us, and for the rest of the year I felt like a wandering nomad during lunch. So that leaves a difficult decision between the trash and the noise of the quad, or the trash and crowds of the cafeteria. Given that choice it is no wonder that some people want to eat their lunch indoors and away from the throngs of students.

This is only a small injustice compared to what has been happening here for the past few years. In my short time here the school has transformed from a free-roaming campus to a fortress. My parents have always commented that our school?s colorless exterior and small windows make us look like a prison, and they are right. Teacher aides are not even allowed access to the copy machine in the communications building, which is extremely inconvenient for both teachers and students.

Obviously some of these restrictions are placed in order to protect students from the dangers of parking lots and copy machines, but there is a fine line between safety and stupidity. Locking up the school is not going to prevent someone from entering or leaving campus if they are determined. If locks cannot stop someone from buying a McRib sandwich during lunch then it most certainly is not going to prevent a school shooter or terrorist.

Most of our schools? concerns are completely unfounded. What is the purpose of locking people into a school which they are forced to attend in the first place? Even with the locked gates and red lines, students who want to leave will find a way out. Every day at fifth period I see people sneaking back into school after they have spent their lunch period off-campus. Why are they trying to lock students out of their classrooms, while they ignore the large number of people who leave campus for lunch?

It is not hurting anyone to limit access to the ?A? and ?B? buildings, but it is a terrible inconvenience. If a teacher does not have a problem with letting students into their classroom during lunch then administration should not either. The majority of students are courteous, and willing to clean up after themselves, and it is unfair to make a rule that only punishes those who have not done anything wrong.

-Shy[/size]

[Mitch]

[color=black][size=1][font=rockwell] It's pretty good. But since it's an opinionated column, make it sarcastic and funny to keep people reading. Put down people, rip things apart, do whatever. It makes it a lot stronger that way and your opinion is louder.

Eh. Anyways, I find this article does have a meaning. I would find it inconvient too if they did this at my school; but, here we have open campus, people leave whenever they want. I do really think it's poinltess to lock doors so students can't leave. It only's going to make them leave more often. And people will still skip classes and will still make messes. That's what I hate. So many people are effected by someone's stupid actions. It's not fair.[/color][/size][/font]

[Shy]

[size=1]Well, I didn't really have enough time to make the article as good as it could have been, but I'm happy with it. Being sarcastic and funny isn't very easy for me, bleh.

-Shy[/size]

[size=1][b]From May 2003[/b] Possibly a rough draft.

Censorship is good. We do not live in a perfect world. Every day hundreds of thousands of people are killed as a result of crime, racism, or oppressive governments. Can anything be done to solve these problems? Community service and recycling do not make a difference; these are merely quick-fix solutions to problems will continue on forever. That is why I have thought of a creative way to deal with all of the problems: ignore them.

My vision of a perfect world is not one where the world?s nations, including France, unite for world peace. It is not one where the latest episode of ?The Simpsons? is not a letdown, or where disease and world-hunger are just a bad memory from a bygone era. No, my vision of a perfect world is one where people do not tell me about their problems.

Happiness is the only truth in this world, not integrity or honesty, like so many others would like people to believe. It is impossible for someone to be happy when they know of all the suffering around them. I cannot sit down and enjoy my dinner when I know that the Dixie Chicks are unhappy with our President, or that the Muppets are really pieces of foam. Things would be better if I lived in a locked room where joy was the key, and only happiness could enter.

I hear your responses, ?What about Russia?s economic troubles? Do you have no sympathy for those who are dying from the trans fat in Oreo cookies? How can we prevent the large number of teenage pregnancies? What about all of those ugly people who need plastic surgery?? To them I say nay, for I want to live a happy life, and hearing about other?s problems would only upset me.

However, this is America, and sadly, we have the freedom of speech. When writing the Declaration of Independence our forefathers had no idea of how whiney future generations would be. Nor could they envision the mass media world we live in now. By doing a Google search under the word, ?depression,? over five million different web sites are found. People have this miserable world at their fingertips, and the best way to solve this problem is by removing people?s fingers. Of course, we could not expect members of the media to quit their jobs and move into honest work, but we can ask our local Congressmen to remove those pesky first amendment rights we have. That way if someone says, does, or worships something offensive to the majority we could punish them to the fullest extent of the law.

Never again would we have to worry about the offensive content in high school newspapers, and never again would we have to be subjected to insulting columns like this. God bless Cuba.

-Shy[/size]

[Mitch]

[size=1][font=century gothic][color=gray] Not too bad at all, Shy. The thing is though, what you're saying will never happen. I have a denial obsession too,heh.

But you'll never always be happy and nor will I. This column does its job very well though.

I especially love the last sentence.[/size][/font][/color]

[Shy]

[size=1]Thanks for thinking that my writing it "not too bad at all." Heh, that's the best compliment I have ever gotten from you about my writing, I think.

And the column is satire, not my actual opinion on the subject. :whoops:

-Shy[/size]

[Sara]

[size=1]*absently ponders how Shy managed to post, in April, a column he hadn't written yet*

As a whole, I love it. You are a good writer, heh. ^_^

Taadaa, Sara-Editing ahead:

[b]Community service and recycling do not make a difference; these are merely quick-fix solutions to problems will continue on forever.[/b]

I'd word this differently. You don't really want to concede that they are "solutions," and "continue on forever" is sort of redundant and weakens what you are saying.

[b]That is why I have thought of a creative way to deal with all of the problems: ignore them.[/b]

I'd try to find a way to make this part stronger, too. "That is why..." sort of needs to lean on something, and you don't want that. MNaybe something perky: [i]Happily, I have found a way to deal..[/i].

[b]It is not one where the latest episode of ?The Simpsons? is not a letdown,[/b]

You've got two "nots" in there, and it takes a sec to figure out what you mean by it. Maybe "lives up to expectations," instead.

[b]or where disease and world-hunger are just a bad memory from a bygone era.[/b]

I'd throw another "a world" in there. [i]...or a world where disease...[/i]

"Just a bad memory" should probably be "just bad memories." Or maybe, as long as you're redoing that "Merely quick-fix" from earlier, you could use "Merely bad memories" or "Simply bad memories."

[b]Happiness is the only truth in this world, not integrity or honesty, like so many others would like people to believe.[/b]

Good idea, but I'd find a different way to do it. This could have a good impact, but it sort of rambles. Maybe [i]There is only one truth in this world. It is not integrity or honesty, as some would have you believe. It is happiness.[/i] Or something like that. Break it up a little,and maybe save the "Happiness" part for last...building up to it a tad.

I'd add another complaint to the Dixie Chicks and muppets bit. Use semi colons, not clauses held together with conjunctions. People expect three examples, you should give it to them.

[b]Things would be better if I lived [/b]

I'd change this to [i]My life would be better..[/i] Things would be the same, after all. And it sort leaves a slightly confused... "Things? What things?" mentality.

[b]I want to live a happy life, and hearing about other?s problems would only upset me.[/b]

Again, I'd cut it so one of those stands a bit stronger on it's own. [i]I want to live a happy life, free from the burdens that are others' problems[/i]. <--Not quite perfect, but it's the idea I mean. The "and hearing about...would only upset me" makes you sound like a whiny, uncertain teenager, which you may be (:p) but not in this column!

The last paragraph just seems off to me. A lot of the wording, I wold have done differently. And because this is MY editing, you have to put up with my rants, heh. And there are a couple good lines in the middle of a vaguely rambling idea. Break it up a little. You don't want those lost.

[b]However, this is America[/b]...[i]This, however, is America[/i].

[b]When writing the Declaration of Independence our forefathers had no idea of how whiney future generations would be.[/b]

[i]Our revered forefathers, authoring the Declaration of Independance, had no inkling of how whiney future generations would be.[/i] (Okay, so I don't like my version either, but it tastes better to me. Get rid of the "when" at the beginning, somehow.)

[b]Nor could they envision the mass media world we live in now. [/b]
[i]Nor could they envision the world of mass media in which we now live.[/i]

[b]By doing a Google search under the word, ?depression,? over five million different web sites are found.[/b]

...and your point is? I'm not sure why you threw this in here. The next sentence seems like it's supposed to go along, but it doesn't quite justify the sudden google reference.

Anyway, going with what I think you mean.. [i]A Google search on "depression" reveals (aah, can't find the verb I thought I had...) over five million websites on the subject--People have this miserable... ...The best way to solve this problem.[/i] (again with the breaking stuff up to make it stand alone.)

[b]Of course, we could not expect members of the media[/b]

Maybe [i]can[/i] in place of [i]could[/i]? You've got "can" following it, as an alternative. It just sounds right...

[b]move into honest work, but we can[/b]

[i]move into honest work--but we [b]can[/b][/i] This is the point you're making, and it's lost as the second half of a compound sentence. Emphasize it.

[b]amendment rights..[/b]

[i]Rights. Imagine the possibilities.[/i] Paragraph break, maybe? Not sure at this point.

[b]That way if someone says, does, or worships something offensive to the majority we could punish them to the fullest extent of the law.[/b]

"That way if," and you're back to the whiney kid again. Find a stronger way to say it. I can't think of anything offhand, but it's your work, not mine. Heh. *gloats* You might want to throw in something about the [i]status quo.[/i] Might be cleaner than listing all the other offenses, although there's a good case for doing that, too.


[b]Never again would we have to worry about the offensive content in high school newspapers, and never again would we have to be subjected to insulting columns like this.[/b]

Again, I'm going to say you should list three things,although you do rather need the conjunction to wrap the piece up. So, [i]Never again would we have to worry about the offensive content in high school newspapers, [b]never again *something else*[/b], and never again would we have to be subjected to insulting columns like this.[/i]

[b]God bless Cuba.[/b]

Amen. ^_~[/size]