Writing Musings

[Lady Asphyxia]

[color=darkred]Basic, disjointed thoughts after visiting my gandmother and seeing her relationship with Eric (her lover).

I wasn't sure what form to put this in, so I put it as prose, to be used as a female monologue.


[size=1]I am in love. It?s not a majestic love, filled with beauty and passion. It?s not tragic. It?s not a rose; it is a daisy. An everyday, common garden variety. It is simple. I like him. He likes me. Neither of us is mooning for the other, thoughts rushing past in an agony of unrequited love.

Our love doesn?t feed on caviar and champagne. Instead, cordial and cheese is the diet of choice. I never much cared for fish eggs, anyway. And the bubbles in Champaign always tickled my nose.

It is slippers, not high heels.

Pencils, not fountain pens.

I respect his life. He respects mine. We do not hurt each other, and we do not act selfishly. We both have responsibilities. Jealousy is given backstage jobs to do. Our world is quiet. Still.

The chorus line does not ?oh?, nor does it ?ah?. It watches, and it waits. And we are pushed back to the shadows when another couple takes their cue. They are enraptured with each other. They will always be the leading couple.

Sometimes, I wonder if I could ever have the love that people talk about. Words like passion, forever, and promises are thrown around. It seems however, that I am more suited to daisies. Other, less practical, people can chase their rose. I am happy. My love is a comfortable love, not a passionate one. But it is love, nonetheless. [/size] [/color]

[Mnemolth]

Very nice. :)

The sentiment shows a surprising level of maturity.

It is fine as it is but you're only really half way there if you want it to be great (or as great as is commonly possible anyway). And I have this sneaky suspicion that you do. ;)

There's a glaring spelling mistake you need to eradicate pretty quickly. Spell checkers are fine, but easily fooled. I'll leave you to find the error. :)

There is a couple of over-used cliches, some repetition, and some structures that simply do not seem to work. For example, The last phrase of the first paragraph is confused and confusing.

I really liked the jealousy bit. Shows imagination. :D

The ideas are exceptional, especially for one so young, but the execution does not quite match. This could be an A+, as it is I'd say a B. :D

[The Harlequin]

[font=gothic][color=crimson]I would have interpreted it more as resignation then jealousy. There wasn't enough of a hard edge to it for that.

But then, I wouldn't dare contradict the great Mnemolth, [I]intelligentsia extraordinaire[/I]....[/font][/color]

[Mnemolth]

Err...I'm not sure we're on the same wave length dude. :D By 'the jealousy bit' I meant the following line 'Jealousy is given backstage jobs to do'. I liked the metaphor, that's all.

And you can contradict me any time. If you did not know already, unlike mods or admins on the Internet, my ability to receive criticism is as great as my capacity to give them. Perhaps even more so. :D

[Mitch]

[QUOTE][i]Originally posted by Mnemolth [/i]
[B]

And you can contradict me any time. If you did not know already, unlike mods or admins on the Internet, my ability to receive criticism is as great as my capacity to give them. Perhaps even more so. :D [/B][/QUOTE]

[color=red] I think you lie. I'm proof of your lie...

Ahem. Back on topic. Good job Lady Asphy, good job. I liked how you just threw it into our faces, and sort of were like "Here's what I've got, and to hell with you!"

Heh. But there are a few spelling mistakes that stand out, and otherwise diminish a pretty good work. [/color]

[Lady Asphyxia]

[QUOTE]
[b]The sentiment shows a surprising level of maturity.

There's a glaring spelling mistake you need to eradicate pretty quickly. Spell checkers are fine, but easily fooled. I'll leave you to find the error. [/b][/quote]

[color=darkred]Eh, I found it. Thank you. Gah.[/color]

[quote]
[b]The ideas are exceptional, especially for one so young, but the execution does not quite match. This could be an A+, as it is I'd say a B. [/b][/quote]

[color=darkred]I know. If anything, this would be the copy before the rough copy. That's how basic this is supposed to be taken as. I suppose I can be getting to revising it sometime...I'm pretty lazy in that area.[/color]

[quote][color=red]
Heh. But there are a few spelling mistakes that stand out, and otherwise diminish a pretty good work.[/color][/quote]

[color=darkred]I know. There always are. I could never spell. I'll find them later. ^.^[/color]

[DKsAngel]

i like it, its to the point, it sets the mood..its good work ^^;

[The Harlequin]

[font=gothic][color=crimson]It was an ironic joke Mnemolth. And don't call me dude.....

I was looking at it more as calm acceptance, and the knowledge that permanence takes precedence over something more showy. A quiet dignity if you will.[/font][/color]

[Jesus Chicken]

Well, I don't have a head full of cumbersome words that I shall use to analyse your work, but I know how to say what I want. I m very suprised at the insight you give into someone else's relationship, from just a simple visit.
I like the slippers not high heels, pencils, not fountain pens bit.
Interesting.
Well done.