Writing A Short Scene.

[Charles]

[size=1]Okay, as some of you may know, I didn't have much luck in ditching that fiction writing workshop. >_<

So, I guess I'm going to have to tough it out. My first exercise is a scene with two characters who are in conflict over the setting. One wants to go, one wants to stay.

That's what I have to work with, and it isn't supposed to be too long. I'll post what I've written for the assignment. Opinions would be cool.[/size]

?The mashed potatoes are getting cold Fred,? Claudia whined, her fists overflowed with bunched-up floral cloth. She desperately tried to keep her favorite nightgown above her ankles, so it wouldn?t brush the moist ground.

?You and those Goddamn mashed potatoes,? her husband muttered hustling, ?my little princess is alone with that--that good for nothin??and all you can worry about is your goddamned potatoes. ?

His wife lingered behind, trying her best to keep up without tripping over herself. She looked clumsy, like an old marionette.

?Father in Heaven,? she said pausing momentarily to clasp her hands, ?do you see what this man is doing to me? I cook and I clean??

?I never did like that boy?,? Fred told himself.

??I wash his clothes,? Claudia continued, ? and he doesn?t appreciate a thing I do.?

The air smelled like no other air had ever smelled before; it was thin. A red van peeled off. Its speed left Fred?s heart in his throat. It wasn?t them. Hunched like a mountain cat, stalking its prey, he weaved his way in and out of the shadows.

?Ford,? he whispered to himself. It was Doc Johnson?s car, must have lent it to his son for the prom. The windows were foggy.

?They aren?t here Fred,? Claudia whispered hoarsely, a sense of urgency apparent in her voice, ?you?re going to make a fool out of us all.?

?Mustang.?

He walked slow, tried to stay calm. He mixed his hope and drowned his pride, worked hard at trying to keep his mind from being eaten up by the pressure.

?Chevrolet.?

Claudia tugged at his sleeve, but her husband twisted, fought and wriggled his way free, stumbling forward.

?Those kids with their rap, the ?B-b-b? and the ?D-d-d?,? Fred complained to himself.

?That?s it,? his wife interjected, ?I?m going home. Don?t complain to me when you miss your programs.?

[The Vampire: Ed]

I like it, it's great work. It's written very well, and it sounds very realistic in terms of how an overprotective father would react. I also liked how the mother, and father interact with one another. Quite amusing, all though in real life it would undoubtedly be very annoying to hear. LOL.

Good job.

[Mitch]

[color=red] Excellent job, Charley-Bob.

You'll have to enjoy Fiction, or else I'm going to have to hit you very, very hard.[/color]