Writing The Grip of Death, The Grip of Life (Bad...i did another rhymin one)

[Frankie]

As the sky molds from blue to red
There are times i wish i were dead

I never had anything to live for
Life to me was always a bore

The grips of death held on tight
Untill shaun talked to me that cold night

Then lifes grip got tighter but worked slow
Careully ridding me of deaths grip with a soft white glow

Then he came along his life so sad
Then i thought mine wasent so bad

If i could i would change places with him
but chances of that have always been slim

Instead i will do my best
and put my heart to the test

One day he i will save
But untill then we shall be brave

No matter what happens between now and then
He will be free....... of lifes harsh pen

So the grip of death changed to life
Slowly it goes that pain and strife

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This is what i did to avoid science today

[Sui Generis]

I like it. The rythme (I know I mis spelled that, but for the life of me I can't spell it right now) is off a bit, but thats no big deal.

Only correction I can offer is in the first stanza to keep a rhythme is put

"As the sky molds from blur to red
There are times [b]that[/b] i wish i were dead"


But thats just a suggestion, from how I read it it seemed to work better than way, BUT i may be wrong.

[Frankie]

*blinks*

You got a point...

I just typed it how i wrote it at school today

UGH.... between chatter heads..... and the radio and my science avoiding mind... i .............................................................(got sidetracked on a few thoughts) and i wasent paying attention to how i wrote that...

bleh...