Jump to content
OtakuBoards

Moon Wars, Episode 4: "A New Moon..."


Manic Webb
 Share

Recommended Posts

[center][b]Moon Wars
Episode Four:
A New Moon
(becomes full at least once every month, by most lunar calenders)[/b][/center]
A scripted Sailormoon/Star Wars parody by Endymion
[Slightly re-written version] ("Dub" names used for wider familiarity)
[url=http://dmoon.animationhq.net/humor/stories/wars4.shtml]Original Version[/url]
[b]Cast:[/b] Serena as Serena Moonwalker, Sailor Pluto as Trista-Wan Kenobi, Luna as Lunny-PO, Artemis as Art-2D2, Sailor Uranus as Hannah Solo, Sailor Neptune as Michelle The Wooksie, ????? as Darth Lady

----------

Some odd time ago in some galaxy that might or might not be ours...

The Empire has built a new weapon that they'll use to... kill. The Rebel forces aren't doing squat because they know the secret weapon is a big 'ol ship and their princess has been captured. So... yeah. Dig it.

----------

(On the homebase for the Empire, The Big Metal Ball in the Sky, a woman dressed in a long black robe with a giant black helmet walks through the halls.)

[b]Soldier:[/b] All hail Darth Lady!
[b]Darth Lady:[/b] (breathing heavily) Ah.... yes... we... have... you... Princess... Le- (cough) oh (cough) (cough) gah! (cough) air! (takes out an asthma inhaler and puts it to the mouth of her helmet) Ah. Better. So as I was saying, princess...
[b]Princess?:[/b] (played by Darien) I'm a man.
[b]Darth Lady:[/b] Say what, now?
[b]Princess?:[/b] I'm Leo.
[b]Darth Lady:[/b] I'm a cancer, myself.
[b][strike]Princess[/strike] Prince Leo:[/b] No. My name is Prince Leo.
[b]Darth Lady:[/b] Why was I given the impression that you were a woman? (looks to a rainbow-haired soldier wearing a carnation with a woman growing out of it)
[b]Lt. Fiore:[/b] What'd I do?
[b]Darth Lady:[/b] ANYway... we have taken you hostage and you will now spill the location of the Rebel hideout.
[b]Prince Leo:[/b] Um... no. No, I don't think I'll tell you.
[b]Darth Lady:[/b] Why not?
[b]Prince Leo:[/b] Thickens the plot.
Darth Lady: (pause) If you will not cooperate, I'll have to use force. (chuckles) Prepare to fire the lazer!
[b]Frau Farbissina from Austin Powers:[/b] PREPARE THE LAZER!
[b]Darth Lady:[/b] Look out the window, Leo. (points to window) If you don't cooperate, I'll destroy your home planet... Earth!
[b]Prince Leo:[/b] Whoa. Wait. I thought we were in a galaxy far away from Earth.
[b]Darth Lady:[/b] No one knows where the hell we are. All you need to know is that we're in space.
[b]Prince Leo:[/b] Okay... Well, I still won't tell you. You're probably just bluffing. Go ahead! Shoot it! Shoot it! You're suppose to be so evil! Shoot it!
[b]Darth Lady:[/b] Ok. Fire the lazer.
[b]Frau Farbissina:[/b] FIRE THE LAZER!

(The Earth Explodes)

[b]Prince Leo:[/b] (gasp) What'd you do?!
[b]Darth Lady:[/b] I... shot it.
[b]Prince Leo:[/b] Well, I guess I should've seen that coming.

----------

(On the other side of the ship, a black & gold cat-android and a white cat-android are wandering around aimlessly.)

[b]Lunny PO:[/b] Honestly, Art-2. We're wandering around aimlessly.
[b]Art-2D2:[/b] (beeping)
[b]Lunny PO:[/b] Stop messing with that darned voice synthesizer. I swear all you ever do is sing all day.
[b]Art-2D2:[/b] (singing "One More Time" by Daft Punk)
[b]Lunny PO:[/b] Look! (points to a large sign that reads "Escape Pods") I think this may be a way out!

----------

(On planet Tattoo Me, a young blonde girl wanders through a hot desert in her never-ending search...)

[b]Serena Moonwalker:[/b] Must... find... home... too.... hot... mu-(cough) oh! (cough) gah! (cough) (cough) air! (cough) my! (takes out an asthma inhaler)

(A space pod crashes in front of her)

[b]Serena:[/b] Whoa...

----------

(Later, at the Moonwalker home...)

[b]Serena Moonwalker:[/b] So... Auntie Em, Uncle Henry. Can I keep the droids?
[b]Uncle Henry:[/b] Um... ok. But take them outback and clean them up some.

(Serena escorts the two cat-droids to the back of her home)

[b]Lunny PO:[/b] I have a very important message to give to someone... I forgot who.
[b]Art-2D2:[/b] (eyes start to glow) Look! (projects image of Prince Leo.)
[b]Image of Prince Leo:[/b] Help me Trista-Wan Kenobi. You're my only hope (static) Help me Trista-Wan Kenobi. You're my only hope.
[b]Serena:[/b] Freaky. Do you get MTV2?
[b]Image of Prince Leo:[/b] Help me Trista-Wan Kenobi. You're my only hope. (static) Help me Trista-Wan Kenobi. You're my only hope. (static) Help me Trista-Wan Kenobi. You're my only ho-
[b]Serena:[/b] Alright, already! I'll go take you guys to-
[b]Image of Prince Leo:[/b] Help me Trista-Wan Kenobi. You're m-
[b]Serena:[/b] Lunny! Make him stop!
[b]Image of Prince Leo:[/b] Help me Trista-Wan Kenobi...

----------

(Some time later, at the home of Trista Kenobi...)

(knock knock)

[b]Trista:[/b] Who's there?
[b]Voice:[/b] Lettuce
[b]Trista:[/b] Lettuce who?
[b]Voice:[/b] Let us in, please. It's hot out here and I hear your air conditioner running.
[b]Trista:[/b] (mumbling) If I hear one more bad knock knock joke...(clears throat) OK. Come in.
[b]Serena Moonwalker:[/b] (walks through door) Hello. I'm Serena Moonwalker.
[b]Trista:[/b] I already knew that.
[b]Serena:[/b] (in awe) Woowww. How did you know it was me? Did you use... [i]the force[/i]?
[b]Trista:[/b] No. I have a video surveillance system rigged up. (points to a wall filled with television monitors).
[b]Serena: Oh.[/b]
[b]Trista:[/b] You came here to tell me something?
[b]Serena:[/b] Oh, yeah. I have these two droids here that claim to belong to you.
[b]Trista:[/b] Strange. I don't remember owning any droids like these, even though both these droids and I star in the prequels.
[b]Serena:[/b] The white one keeps playing a message of Prince Leo asking for your help.
[b]Trista:[/b] Hmm... looks like Darth Lady has captured Prince Leo and is demanding to know the location of the Rebel hideout. She's even unveiled her newest weapon... the Super Doom Ray of Badness, which sits on the Empire's main ship, the Big Metal Ball in the Sky!
[b]Serena:[/b] Two questions. First, What kind of name is Big Metal Ball in the Sky? I like the name Death Sta--
[b]Trista:[/b] Shhh! You wanna get sued?!
[b]Serena:[/b] And second, how'd you know all that?
[b]Trista:[/b] The video equipment, again.
[b]Serena:[/b] Don't you use... [i]the force[/i] anymore?
[b]Trista:[/b] First off, it's not called... [i]the force[/i]. It's called...
[b]Serena:[/b] The Schwartz?
[b]Trista:[/b] Listen, Mel Brooks. Are we just gonna sit here and make a bunch of dumb jokes or are we gonna get down to business?
[b]Serena:[/b] (pondering) Hmm... choices.
[b]Trista:[/b] Come. I will help you in your journey, and I will even teach you the ways of the Sailor Knights.

----------

(Later on, Serena and Trista are driving in a hover-car to some part of town.)

[b]Weather Trooper:[/b] Hey you! Stop right there!
[b]Trista:[/b] (stops car) Yes?
[b]Weather Trooper:[/b] We have a report that two escaped droids are on the run on this planet. One looks like a black & gold cat and the other looks like a white cat. Those two droids in your back seat look like them.
[b]Trista:[/b] (waves hand) There are not the droids you are looking for.
[b]Trooper:[/b] Um... yes they are.
[b]Trista:[/b] (waves hand) No. They aren't.
[b]Trooper:[/b] Yes. They are.
[b]Trista:[/b] (takes out a club) No! (whacks Weather Trooper on the head) They aren't.
[b]Trooper:[/b] Whatever you say... (passes out)
[b]Serena:[/b] Before we jump off into deep space, shouldn't we go tell my aunt and uncle about it?
[b]Trista:[/b] Oh, they're dead. Apparently, the house was blown up.
[b]Serena:[/b] Oh. (pause) They weren't important to the plot, anyway. Let's go!

----------

(In a local bar, Michelle The Wooksie and Hannah Solo are having a few drinks.)
[b]Trista:[/b] I'm looking for a pilot.
[b]Hannah:[/b] I'm a pilot.
[b]Trista:[/b] What's your name?
[b]Hannah:[/b] I'm Hannah Solo and this is my partner, Michelle the Wooksie.
[b]Serena:[/b] Um... "partner"?
[b]Michelle:[/b] Yeah, partners. We had some gay times, gotten into a few queer situations.
[b]Serena:[/b] So you're saying you had some good times together and have been known to get into some strange situations?
[b]Michelle:[/b] Of course. What else could I possibly mean?
[b]Serena:[/b] Nothing. Just making sure.
[b]Trista:[/b] Can you fly us to the Empire's Big Metal Ball in the Sky for a dangerous mission that could get you killed?
[b]Hannah:[/b] Depends... how much you willing to pay?
[b]Trista:[/b] Dramatic pause! (holds pinky finger to her mouth) One million dollars.
[b]Hannah:[/b] Yeah, babay!
[b]Serena:[/b] Where'd you get all that money from?
[b]Trista:[/b] Social Security checks. I'm a couple thousand years old and the government insists on sending me checks every month. I don't ask for them, I don't want them, but I'll be damned if they miss a single payment!
[b]Serena:[/b] But... you look 20.
[b]Trista:[/b] I'm ageless. I'm cursed to forever be a beautiful 20 year old and the last Sailor Knight.
[b]Serena:[/b] Was my mother a Sailor Knight?
[b]Trista:[/b] Yes. And a darned good one... but Darth Lady killed her.
[b]Serena:[/b] I hope a big plot twist doesn't occur and it turns out Darth Lady is really my mother.
[b]Trista:[/b] Oh, that'll never happen...

----------

(On Hannah's ship)

[b]Trista:[/b] And now to teach you the ways of the Sailor Knights.
[b]Serena:[/b] Um... you never told me what the name of the power was.
[b]Trista:[/b] Huh?
[b]Serena:[/b] I asked if it was the force and you said no. I asked if it was called the schwartz and you told me to be quiet as well as continued my Mel Brooks reference.
[b]Trista:[/b] You're right. I never did tell you its name. (pause) On with your training.
[b]Serena:[/b] But...
[b]Trista:[/b] First I will blind-fold you and set this robot to shoot at you. You will then use this perfectly ordinary flashlight to block each shot.
[b]Serena:[/b] Okay... (puts on blind-fold and holds flashlight) Bring it on.
[b]Robot:[/b] (shoots her twice)
[b]Serena:[/b] Ouch! What's this suppose to teach me?
[b]Trista:[/b] That you're naive and you'll do anything someone tells you.
[b]Serena:[/b] (takes off blind-fold) That's mean.

----------

(On the Big Metal Ball in the Sky, Prince Leo sits in his cell listening to a song on his portable CD player)

[b]Prince Leo:[/b] (singing along with song in his headphones) Roxanne... You don't have to put on that dress tonight!
[b]Weather Trooper:[/b] Leo? Prince?
[b]Prince Leo:[/b] No thanks. No Prince CD's for me. I haven't been much of a Prince fan since he changed his name to that symbol.
[b]Weather Trooper:[/b] But he recently changed his name back to Prince after his contract with his old record company ended.
[b]Prince Leo:[/b] Really?
[b]Weather Trooper:[/b] Yeah. Haven't you heard? (takes off helmet to reveal Serena) But I'm really here to rescue you. (opens jail door) Come on.

----------

(Later, Serena & friends are being chased through the Big Metal Ball in the Sky)

[b]Group of Weather Troopers:[/b] (chasing them, shooting and chanting in unision) 187. Murder Death Kill. 187. Murder Death Kill. 187. Murder Death Kill.
[b]Hannah:[/b] Quick! We'll duck into this garbage-compactor. (points to hole in the wall)
[b]Serena:[/b] Look, everyone! An exit sign! (points to door with large exit sign hanging over it. Next to the door is a sign that says "Ship Dock"

(They all run for Hannah's ship)

[b]Darth Lady:[/b] Not so fast!
[b]Trista:[/b] Darth Lady!!
[b]Darth Lady:[/b] My old friend, Trista-Wan Kenobi... (hugs her and gives her fake kisses on the cheek) How've you been, girlfriend?
[b]Trista:[/b] Don't "girlfriend" me. You tried to kill me... several times.
[b]Darth Lady:[/b] Oh, if you wanna bring up the past again... I'll kill you.
[b]Trista:[/b] Not this time... (takes out a light stick with a piece of candy on the handle) I've come prepared!
[b]Darth Lady:[/b] Aw. Your old life saver.
[b]Serena:[/b] I thought it was called a Light Saber.
[b]Trista:[/b] They're called Light Sticks. I just keep a LifeSaver candy wrapped around the handle of it for later (takes candy off of the stick and pops it in her mouth)
[b]Darth Lady:[/b] Eww! Isn't that a little too old and dirty? I mean, you haven't used that thing for years and that candy's been sitting on it forever.
[b]Trista:[/b] It doesn't matter (activates light stick) We all know I'm gonna die.
[b]Darth Lady:[/b] (takes out black light stick) Oh yeah. Forgot. (stabs Trista)
[b]Serena:[/b] NOOOOOOOOO!!!! (Hannah drags her onto the Millennium Bug) You're gonna pay for this!

----------

(Later, at the Rebel Hideout, a meeting is being held to attack The Empire.)

[b]Rebel Leader[/b]: Our latest addition to the rebellion, Serena Moonwalker, has stolen the blueprints to the Big Metal Ball in the Sky. We will use these blueprints to attack them and blow the place up. Our first move is to go stra-
[b]Rebel in crowd:[/b] Ooo! Ooo! (raises hand) Pick me! My hand is up! Ooo! Teacher!
[b]Rebel Leader:[/b] I'm not your teacher. And what do you want to say?
[b]Rebel in crowd:[/b] Um... the Big Metal Ball in the Sky... is that really a good name? I mean, it's in space. It's not like it's sitting in the middle of the blue sky or anything. Shouldn't it be called something like the Big Metal Ball in Outer Space?
[b]Rebel Leader:[/b] I didn't name it!! Now let's go blow the thing up!!

----------

(In deep space, the Rebel Fleet flys in battleships toward the Big Metal Ball in the Sky... or should it be Outer Space?)

[b]Serena:[/b] (flying a ship with Lunny PO next to her) Yahoo!
[b]Lunny PO:[/b] I prefer Google, myself.

(The entire fleet, except Serena, gets shot down all at once)

Serena: Whoa!
[b]Spirit of Trista:[/b] Serena Moonwalker...
[b]Serena:[/b] Trista-Wan Kenobi?
[b]Spirit of Trista:[/b] Serena Moonwalker!
[b]Serena:[/b] Trista-Wan Kenobi!
[b]Spirit of Trista:[/b] Use [i]it[/i], Serena.
[b]Serena:[/b] Use [i]what[/i]? You never told me the name of the Sailor Knights' power.
[b]Spirit of Trista:[/b] Gah-- Fine! I'll make something up. It's called... [i]the forge[/i].
[b]Serena:[/b] Really?
[b]Spirit of Trista:[/b] Sure, why not? Now... (clears ghostly throat) use the... [i]the forge[/i], Serena.
[b]Serena:[/b] Okay. (shoots Big Metal Ball in the Sky once and it explodes) Cool.
[b]Darth Lady:[/b] Crap. Now what am I supposed to do about a base in the sequel?

[center][b]Stay tuned for Episode 5...[/b][/center]
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 2 weeks later...

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
 Share

×
×
  • Create New...