Writing A Day In The Life Of A License

[Mitch]

[color=red][size=1] This one I had to write for Journalism I. It's only a rough, and I'm going to rework it for certain, but here she is:[/size]

I hated it then. I hate it now. But back then, it was different. It was a different kind of hate. One that seemed half full of fear, half full of something else. Half nervousness, half just a wish I didn't have to take it. And this was the time, for better or for worse. For greater or for latter. This was the time I would take it, even though I didn't want to.

After he had checked the turn signals and made sure everything was in good working order, the driving instructor and I entered my grandpa's van. We began. I started the ignition, but it was so far away. Everything felt so far away. The only thing that I heard or saw, the only thing I felt or faced was a fear all around me. Even as the engine roared to life, as I moved from P to D, I seemingly only felt nervous, and purely, utterly, and wholly a persevering affliction of a try at concentration.

I footed the accelerator, and we skirted off, a shadowy silhouette upon the lightly snow-covered ground. The instructor asked me a few random questions: What school do you go to? Are you in any sports? What grade are you in? How old are you? Do you like it here? And I answered each, each time wishing he would be quiet, even though I knew he was just trying to calm me. We drove for awhile, him telling me where to turn, I keeping my concentration as saturated as I could.

Finally, after what seemed like a painfully long and tiring wait, I finally came to the part of the test which I was most unsure about, most scared about. "Parallel park right between those two cars there," he said, pointing. My heart escaped somewhere into the trenches of some lost tomb as I pulled a few inches ahead of the frontal car next to the gap. I moved the transmission to R, turned my wheels, turned my head, and backed in, hoping and wondering at the same time how well I would do.

To my acute surprise, I didn't do bad at all, and I did it all perfectly. Glad that the worse part for me was over, I felt easier, a divine sense of satisfaction and relief, like I could do anything. I pulled away, leaving the space between the two cars empty once again, and came to a stop sign. I put my left blinker on quickly, and glanced left and right, checking for any cars. None. I then pushed the accelerator, and watched blandly and blankly as the van's tires slid in a stall on the snow, slowly and painfully, the van stood, momentarily stuck. I floored the accelerator and finally got over the snow. Embarrassed, I continued to try and act cool, not wanting to feel completely stupid and crushed.

I drove on, finally returning back to where I had left. It felt so good to be done, like a heavy and beating weight had been lifted from my shoulders. Turning off the ignition, I turned to the instructor, waiting for him to give me the one thing that mattered then.

He let out a small smile. "Mitchell, you passed."



[/color]

[Corey]

A perfect representation of every teens greatest dream and fear.

That was truthfully great. Don't change a thing. :)

[Shy]

[QUOTE][i]Originally posted by Mitch [/i]
[color=red]I hated it then. I hate it now. But back then, it was different. It was a different kind of hate. [strike]One that seemed half full of fear, half full of something else. Half nervousness, half just a wish I didn't have to take it.[/strike][/color][/quote]
[size=1]the opening statement is good. Repetition is one of the best ways to grab a reader's interest, but you can't overdo it. I would limit it to your lead and conclusion, it would be best if you could combine them somehow. Maybe you could explain why you hate it, but you don't neccessarily have to explain [i]what[/i] it is that you hate yet. Leave us in the dark for as long as you can until the article starts to lose it's focus.[/size]

[quote][color=red] And this was the time, for better or for worse. For greater or for latter. This was the time I would take it, even though I didn't want to.[/color][/quote]
[size=1]More strange analogies and repetition. Judging by the length of the article, I think you should have gotten to ths point of this thing. Above I just mentioned that you can only leave the reader in the dark until the article begins to lose it's focus, this is the point where focus is being lost.[/size]

[quote][color=red]After he had checked the turn signals and made sure everything was in good working order, the [strike]driving[/strike] instructor and I entered [strike]my grandpa's[/strike] van. We began. I started the ignition, but it was so far away. Everything felt so far away. The only thing that I heard or saw, the only thing I felt or faced was a fear all around me. [u]Even as the engine roared to life, as I moved from P to D, I seemingly only felt nervous, and purely, utterly, and wholly a persevering affliction of a try at concentration.[/u][/quote][/color]
[size=1]You should put more details into the van, rather than just saying "My Grandpa's van". Things like the type of van and the color of it can be very useful in bringing the image to life. It is obviously a driving instructor. Normally that should not be cut, but I felt that it was rather obvious what the instructor was instructing. The last sentence is way too long. Something needs to be done with it, cut it into smaller, more descriptive sentences or something.[/size]

[quote][color=red]I footed the accelerator, and we skirted off [i]as[/i] a shadowy silhouette upon the lightly snow-covered ground. The instructor asked me a few random questions: "What school do you go to?" "Are you in any sports?" "What grade are you in?" "How old are you?" "Do you like it here?" And I answered each, each time wishing he would be quiet, even though I knew he was just trying to calm me. We drove for awhile. [i]He told[/i] me where to turn, I keeping my concentration as saturated as I could.[/quote][/color]
[size=1]Just minor grammar and stuff here. I'm not correcting every mistake I see, but this is a solid paragraph.[/size]

[quote][color=red][u]Finally,[/u] after what seemed like a painfully long and tiring wait, I [u]finally[/u] came to the part of the test which I was most unsure about, most scared about. "Parallel park right between those two cars there," he said, pointing. [u]My heart escaped somewhere into the trenches of some lost tomb as I pulled a few inches ahead of the frontal car next to the gap.[/u] I moved the transmission to R, turned my wheels, turned my head, and backed in, hoping and wondering at the same time how well I would do.[/quote][/color]
[size=1]You have a habit of making some sentences really, really, really long. It does not hurt to split these gigantic thoughts into smaller ones, especially if it isn't neccessary. You used the word "finally" twice, that might be repetition; or you just didn't realize that you had used the word twice.[/size]

[quote][color=red]To my acute surprise, I didn't do bad at all, and I did it all perfectly. Glad that the worse part for me was over, I felt easier, a divine sense of satisfaction and relief, like I could do anything. I pulled away, leaving the space between the two cars empty once again, and came to a stop sign. I put my left blinker on quickly, and glanced left and right, checking for any cars. None. I then pushed the accelerator, and watched blandly and blankly as the van's tires slid in a stall on the snow, slowly and painfully, the van stood, momentarily stuck. I floored the accelerator and finally got over the snow. Embarrassed, I continued to try and act cool, not wanting to feel completely stupid and crushed.[/quote][/color]
[size=1]More really long sentences here. It's kind of difficult to describe a standard driving procedure in an entertaining way. Your sentence structure just repeats itself over and over again...[/size]

[quote][color=red]I drove on, finally returning back to where I had left. It felt so good to be done, like a heavy and beating weight had been lifted from my shoulders. Turning off the ignition, I turned to the instructor, waiting for him to give me the one thing that mattered then.

He let out a small smile. "Mitchell, you passed."
[/quote][/color]
[size=1]..and that's the end. You are new to the world of Journalism, and this was a very good first attempt at something. I can't wait to read some of your real articles.

-Shy[/size]

[Mitch]

[color=red] Thank you very much, Shy, I'll take all you've said when I rework the entire thing. I guess I do have a habit of using really long sentences, and that's something I'll have to learn to grow out of. Once I get the final version, I'll certainly be posting it. Thanks again, Shy. This all you've said is really going to help me.[/color]

[Corey]

I liked the long sentences and strange analogies...
Eh well... It'll be good no matter what.