Breaking Up: Advice Needed Desperately! (please read)

[Lady Macaiodh]

[COLOR=darkblue]As some of you know, I'm about to file for a divorce. My husband & I have been seperated since the end of last August. I tried to work things out w/ him recently, but he was even more abusive than before & I have accepted the fact that there's nothing more I can do.

It seems as though the divorce is going to be particularly nasty. Not only are there numerous charges against him, for which he will spend time in jail, but he is alleging that I hit him first which is why he beat me up all those times (this is completely false, I'm actually quite the pacifist). I'm also probably going to have to civilly sue him to get my stuff back. My parents even had to change our phone number.

This is what I need advice about: The past year has been the worst in my life. I married him b/c I loved him, but he married me to control me. He has never really treated me well, & before we finally broke up he was downright abusive. It's been a long time since a guy has been nice to me, romantically speaking. Every other guy I've dated has treated me like gold, but now I'm having all these doubts about my self-worth. I've never been the "mourn-the-old-relationship" type & I think it might be good for me to start looking around for someone else.

He already has a new girlfriend. In fact, I recently found out he's had her "on the side" for awhile now. But do you think it's okay for me to start seeing other guys, ethically speaking? Even though we're seperated & about to divorce, we [i]are[/i] still married. But it could be as much as a year or more before it's final.

What do you think I should do? Is it wrong for me to feel this way? I just want to find someone who treats me like i deserve.[/COLOR]

[JCBaggee]

[color=red]First off, *hug* feel better soon, k?

Second, I would personally go through with this and put him jail. Yeah, it's cruel punishment and you're going to be emotionally distraught for a while over this, but it's better he's in there thinking about what he's done then out beating this girl who's been "on the side" for so long (hey, she may be a two-timing ****, but she sill doesn't deserve that!).

--Chris[/color]

[Sui Generis]

Oh god I remember when that big thing happened, and you posted it on OB. God...how could I forget.

Look my personally opinion. He doesn't deserve you. Thats it....

You call that a marriage? Thats not a marriage, thats a freaking boxing ring! A marriage involves two partners who love each other, not one that does and one that just wants a punching bag.

(Sorry if I'm being to blunt or harsh)

But look what I say is go for it. You need to move on with your life. Don't let this son of a ***** drag you down. And personally I think you should try and get the divorce over with ASAP. Look I know you want all your crap back, but the longer you're in court with that man the harder its going to be on you. I mean I don't know if you have some very personal positions that you want, or not, but if you don't...then forget about your stuff.

Physical possesions are worth nothing, compared to your own health.

Don't [b]EVER[/b] doubt your self-worth Lady_M. You are such a sweet girl. And god knows you are BEAUTIFUL! You have been a part of this community for quite some time now and we'll be here till the end.

You are a great person, and you deserve someone who will wait hand and foot on you, someone who loves you.

You don't deserve some slime ball ******. So in other words, go get that special catch!

As for him trying to get you in trouble. Thats a bunch of bull ****. I don't care what he says. I don't think the jury will by it.

Ok lets face it we live in a sexist society still, and men seem to be more likely to beat their wives. So guess what you'll be able to get away from that easily!

Oh and....[b]FEEL BETTER! WE LOVE YOU!!!![/b]

[wrist cutter]

Hmmm, personally, I don't think you should feel too "wrong" about seeing other people. I mean, yes, you are technically married, but only because it's taking so long to get divorced. The divorce is guaranteed to fall through as far as I can tell, so you might as well start hunting now. But I dunno... that's just me.

[amibasuki]

[FONT=arial]don't have any doubts about your self worth. you're smart and beautiful enough to get just about any guy you wanted. it's not your fault your husband went and decided to be a jackash. I'm sure you'll eventually find somebody who's a thousands times better, and will treat you as such, too.

and yeah, I wouldn't see a problem with starting to go with other people. you and your husband separated, and you're trying to get a divorce, so there's no reason why you couldn't.

wishing the best of luck to you![/FONT]

[Guest cloricus]

I feel I have to say this, there is always two people in a relationship. Think about that.

Next, ethically and mentally if it's what you feel you need then you should.
I'd also want to note, even if you did hit him that is not a reason to hide behind for multiple beatings. You should have no worry there.

You'll be okay, you just have to ride it out. :D
Good luck.

[Shy]

[size=1]First of all, I am sorry to hear about how this entire situation turned out.

Second of all, I think that you should wait a while before you try to find a new boyfriend. It seems like your husband never took your marriage seriously -- so I guess that you shouldn't either.

But getting over this entire ordeal should be your number one priority now, not finding someone new to date. Give yourself some time so that you don't end up making another mistake.

-Shy[/size]

[Guest Hikaru Ichijyo]

Although I've never really met you Lady M. I'm deeply sorry to hear about all the things going on in your life, and personally hope that guy gets the maxium sentence for what he's done. In no case what so ever do I justifiy a man hitting a women.

However about the advice part, I really think you have to dig down deep within yourself and ask wether it's against your ethics to start looking or not. No one can really answer this question since the decision is ultimately up to you. Perhaps though to a certain degree you need time to mentally heal it seems like your a bit distress still with your previous relationship but then again I don't know much about this situation to make a proper assesment.

Personally if I were in this position I would start looking for someone, the times ahead of you are going to be rough legal preceedings are never pretty, and you may want some moral support in the form of a friend or significant other. Also being the fact your former husband is seeing someone already else means he's moving on with his life, so I don't see why you shouldn't start living your life to the fullest again.

Whatever you do though please don't question your self worth, when you do this you dig into a depression that's far greater then any depression a person can possibly experience. Hang in there, and never question your self worth.

I hope this helps somewhat, if you ever need to discuss this with someone I'll be more then willing to lend an ear or two, I'm rather easy to look up.

[Juu]

[color=ff00cc] [size=1]Sorry to hear that, Lady M. = \

I hope things turn out better next time...
For now, you should try to take a break from any serious relationships before you get everything worked out.

Wish you the best! :whoops:

*hands you a Vegeta plushie*[/color] [/size]

[James]

[color=#808080]This is terrible news.

My advice would be that you should maybe wait until everything is sorted out with the divorce. Wait until things are finalized and give yourself some time to get your life back together and get back on your feet.

If this were me...I don't know if it'd be worth going out with someone whilst the divorce is ongoing. I mean, I wouldn't be totally free of everything and it might be one of those situations where I'm with someone for the comfort and it may not really last.

So, it depends what you want. My recommendation is to wait a bit longer until things in your life are more stable...and then there's plenty of room for someone else in your life.

But ultimately, you have to do what you think is right. If you meet someone tomorrow who you adore and who treats you well...then you should be with that person, regardless of your situation. Just do what [i]you[/i] think is right, Lady M. ^_^

I hope things get better for you soon. [/color]

[Lady Macaiodh]

[color=darkblue]Thanks for the concern, guys. It really means a lot.

I think I might not have explained things correctly, though. I didn't mean I'd go out looking, per se... I know I've been through an emotional wringer & need time to get my head straight. I guess I wanted to know if it was okay to keep myself open to the possibility.

As for Mike getting on with his life... the only reason he's even with that girl is to rub it in my face. He used to just love bringing her up. But I really don't care. I hope he just forgets all about me, so I don't have to worry about him popping back in my life like he loves to do.

Sometimes I feel like bursting out laughing because I'm so relieved it's over. But sometimes all I feel is this dull ache. It wasn't supposed to be like this at all. [i]He[/i] wasn't supposed to be like this, & I don't understand why. I keep asking myself that over & over & I can't come up with an answer.

How could I have been such a fool & a failure? How could I have not seen what he was really like?

Or maybe I did see & didn't want to admit it to myself because I thought he was my soul mate.

I know I'm not ready for a new relationship, not until I can resolve these questions to myself. Maybe I'll never find the answers, but that's something I'll have to accept one day, rather than beating myself up over it all. I think that's a long way off.

Still, it would be really great to find someone nice...[/color]

[Delian]

I'm really sorry this happened to you. Love can be dangerously blind sometimes...i'm very much relieved that you're no longer in danger. I can't imagine how it must have felt for you.
You're truly a beautiful and interesting person....It would be a real shame if you let a low-life scum without a soul, ruin the confidence and belief that you have in yourself.
I hope the divorce goes quickly and you get everything you want out of it. Make sure your lawyer is a ruthless one;). They're the best kind.
It's great to know that you'll be getting on with your life now. I think now is the time to be around family and friends and eventually, when you're ready you will find that special person who will treat you like gold.

Good luck with everything

Lots a Luv

[Sui Generis]

[QUOTE][i]Originally posted by Lady Macaiodh [/i]
[B][color=darkblue]
How could I have been such a fool & a failure? How could I have not seen what he was really like?

Or maybe I did see & didn't want to admit it to myself because I thought he was my soul mate.[/color] [/B][/QUOTE]

You weren't a fool and a failure. People hide things. You can't always dig deep enough to un-leash them. Sometimes the only way to completely know a person is to live with them.

Look love does weird things to people. They make you see different things, they make you feel weeiiirrrddd things, and they make [b]YOU[/b] act differently.

Don't ever think that it was your fault that you didn't see that he was a spineless *******.

My mom didn't see that in my real dad, but I have never, not even for a second, blamed her for what he did to me.

[Kent]

Well Lady Mac,

I know this has been horrible for you.

I think that you should be able to move on and begin relationships again if you are ready to in your head and heart.

Ethically, I believe it is alright because it seems that you have come to terms with the idea that your relationship with this man is over for good as well as the fact that society would recognize your relationships ending.
(Note that the idea of ethics is an extremly difficult one to deal with in the "divorce situation.")

If you were going through the divorce process and your heart was still with the man it would be different.

But due to the fact that you feel its time to move on and since society would feel the same, I would think ethically it is just fine.(as well as morally)

There is a difference between being married and being seperated. When seperation has occured and divorce is on the horizon, the last thing you should concern yourself with is whether or not it is ethically right to date a man you find who is everything you want and need.

Of course, this would all be different if your heart was still with your "former" husband, but you arent with him anymore, and it seems you are ready to move on.

I think that finding a good person you can have a relationship with is so rare that if you were to find a man of that caliber now, you would be a fool not to persue a relationship with him.

With this new phase of your life, I believe you have the chance to start over.

Your own problems with self worth are what bother me about this situation the most.

I know that we have never met, but I can tell from every little interaction we have had that you are a really beautiful person.

I know you are worth far more than what your ex valued you as, and I know that there are men out there who will feel the same way as I do.

Usually in these sorts of threads I am very condensending because of my own grudge for women who choose bad men, but for this exact situation and you, I feel that would be wrong.

I believe you need support and most of all encouragment.

The encouragment to move on with out looking back.
Remember, you will have to look forward to finish your relationship with the ex, not look back. (this sort of thing is always easier said than done, so I am sorry for that)

I just want to stress above all else that it is alright for you to move on and begin with new relationships again,

And even more importantly, you are worth far more than you are giving yourself credit for.

You didnt fail in any way and you are not at fault in any way.

Men are sly foxes sometimes. (and remember, the fox is a dog)
If a man wants to trick you and not show you the horrible person he is, its not your fault for not seeing it.

I hope you can feel better soon, but I know this is gonna be a hard time for you.

Please take my most sincere regards and know that I, as well as everyone else on the boards, cares deeply for you.

good luck and god bless

[RicoTranzrig]

[COLOR=darkblue]I know I haven't talked with you one-on-one before but I am aware of what's been going on. I guess that no one ever sees the true side of a person until it's too late. Many people have something to hide and only a few are honest and open with everything. Above all, the comfort of friends is greater because you can be treated right. It feels good to have people around when you're healing. You know they care about you and that you do mean a lot to them. Already, you can see it here.[/COLOR]

[treton_noir]

stop! dont look at another guy. dont talk another guy. especially dont touch another guy.

when youre going through a divorce and hes been cheating (not to mention the rest of your "him" problems) its best to wait until the divorce is over and completely settled before getting back into the dating game. if the divorce isnt over and youre seeing somebody else, the opposing lawyer (if they have a legal brain cell in their head) is going to say that you have been cheating on your husband the entire time with your new guy. (even if you havent) by comparison, this is going to make him look not so bad and make you look less like the victim. this can lead to other false accusations and the jury will buy all of it (sympathy). its best to keep your nose clean just yet. it will also make it easier to get all your stuff back, too. (maybe some of his. lol)

do NOT date anybody...ANYBODY until this is over. youll end up screwing yourself really bad.

ps- i dont know how that sounds coming from someone you dont know. i told tori to tell you, but she told me to.


poop

[Dan L]

let's just say I kind of have conflicting ideals on this issue..

I think my advice would be not to look specifically for someone else (which you've said you're not anyway) but to wait until you've found someone else.. and never to really close yourself to the possibility, but not to jump at every person you see either (I know you don't.. that's just the most extreme example)

I'd also have to agree with treton noir on that.. on a legal standpoint it's probably best, if you do find someone before it's resolved, to start off as friends rather than get into anything just yet. But you may decide you don't want to, and it's all up to you..

[Heaven's Cloud]

[color=indigo]I think the old saying "blinded by love" should be replaced by "blinded by my need for love". I think you just wanted your knight in shining armor so badly that you tried to form that *** Mike into Prince Charming. I don't think this is uncommon or anything you should feel ashamed of, I always try and make the people I am dating seem like more then they are.

Deb, you have the soul of a romantic, and it isn't a bad thing. You seem to be an attractive, charming, charismatic young woman. You can and will find true love, but don't make to much of an effort to find it...to quote the bard "If you look for love it is doubtful that love will look for you." Just enjoy being single, the right guy will pop up soon enough.[/color]

[Justin]

Even with my standpoint as a devoted Christian, I see no reason you shouldn't be able to at least start looking at your options. If I were you, I'd try not to egt [i]as[/i] involved for a good while, though.

As for his lame self: I'd just beat him with a 2X4.

-Justin

[Vegitto4]

[QUOTE][i]Originally posted by Justin [/i]
[B]
As for his lame self: I'd just beat him with a 2X4.

-Justin [/B][/QUOTE]

And thats just to start......

But I think i've already gone into what I wanted to do to that Guy. So I wont post it again. Anyways.

I agree with whoever said not to date anybody, but thats just for the legal reasons. However, do be looking around, just dont enter that type of relationship again yet. You will probably find another guy soon. No, you WILL find another guy soon. ** grins at sig** heh heh heh.......... speaking of which check your pm box deary. :toothy:

[GotenksSSJ343]

Sorry about whats happened to ya Lady_M
*looks at veggito 4's sig then continues*

But the best thing to do is get divorced with this guy in my opinion.......hope it turns out well for you. :)

*Pictures what he would do to the guy*

[Celia]

[color=0099FF] [size=1]I am really sorry to hear this...><

My advice is to get rid of him quick. The longer you linger on, the more he's going to control you. I think the best way to do this is to forget all about him, start a new life, find somebody else that's the best for you.

Best Wishes[/color] [/size]

[Lady Asphyxia]

[color=darkred]You are wise, and beautiful to boot. How many other people would know that they aren't ready for a relationship?

You are worth everything Lady M, and don't you forget it.[/color]