Guest Zeh Posted March 5, 2003 Share Posted March 5, 2003 [COLOR=003399]Blonde jokes are so fun... because i'm not blond :p A Blonde girl buys a second-class plane ticket to go to Toronto. When the day arives for her to leave, she walks onto the plane and sits in a first-class seat. The attendent comes up to her and says... "Excuse me Ma'am, your seat is farther back" The Blonde replies... "If i'm going to Toronto, I'm-a gonna go First-Class!!" No matter what the attendent tried, the woman would not budge, so she went to get the pilot. The pilot walks back to where the woman is seated and so he says... "First-Class isn't going to Toronto" The Blonde went to her originally bought seat. [/COLOR] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lady Macaiodh Posted March 6, 2003 Share Posted March 6, 2003 [QUOTE][i]Originally posted by wrist cutter [/i] [B] Why don't women wear watches? [spoiler]Because there's a clock on the stove.[/spoiler] [/B][/QUOTE] [COLOR=darkblue]Gahhhh! ::kills:: Heheh, just kidding, but that was wrong! lol, I've heard that type of joke so many times this past year because my ex is a sexist pig. Here's my beloved joke of lameness: Why did the chicken cross the playground? [spoiler]To get to the other slide.[/spoiler] You may all kill me now, too, & bury me with wrist cutter.[/COLOR] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harry Posted March 6, 2003 Share Posted March 6, 2003 [QUOTE][i]Originally posted by Lady Macaiodh [/i] [B][COLOR=darkblue]Gahhhh! ::kills:: Heheh, just kidding, but that was wrong! lol, I've heard that type of joke so many times this past year because my ex is a sexist pig. Here's my beloved joke of lameness: Why did the chicken cross the playground? [spoiler]To get to the other slide.[/spoiler] You may all kill me now, too, & bury me with wrist cutter.[/COLOR] [/B][/QUOTE] What do you do when the dishwasher breaks? [spoiler]slap her and tell her to get back to work[/spoiler] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bremma Posted March 6, 2003 Share Posted March 6, 2003 Hers mine.. nothing to hide with spoilders though. One night, a duck walked into a bar and asked the bartender. "Got any bananas?" "No. Sorry. No bananas here." he replied. The duck nodded and walked out. The next night,t he duck comes back in an asks, "Got any bananas?" "No sir.. we dont have bananas." the bartender said again,. the duck left. After a few night of this, the bartender got rather irritated at this duck. So the 7th night of the duck asks for bananas, the bartender says "Look. If you ask me if I have bananas one more time, I will nail your feet to the floor!" The duck left. When the duck returned the next night, he asked "Got any nails?" "No..." the bartender said. "Good." replied the duck. "Got any bananas?" And one more... One night, a woman's husband walks into the bedroom where she is laying and says "Tonight, I will make you the happiest woman alive!" She looks at him and says [spoiler]"Ill miss you."[/spoiler] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Orien_Xel Posted March 6, 2003 Share Posted March 6, 2003 [color=blue]Well, here's one I think is funny....A rich man i having a party, and he this pool full of alligators. He gets up on the lifeguard stnad with a megaphone and starts talking: Rich Man:"If anyone swims across this pool, I'll give them a million dollars!" silence. Rich Man:"Ok, I'll give them a million dollars, and a cars!" silence. "Rich Man:"Ok, how about a million dollars, all the cars you want and my house!" uddenly, there is a splash and this guy is in the pool! He's twisting and turning, and he manages to get to the other side. The rich man runs up. Rich Man:"That was amazing! When do you want the money?" Guy:"I don't want the money." RM:"When do you want the cars?" Guy:"I don't want the cars." RM:"When do you want the house?" Guy:"I don't want the house." RM:"Then what do you want?" Guy:"I want the bast**d who pushed me in!" heh heh...[/color] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lady Macaiodh Posted March 7, 2003 Share Posted March 7, 2003 [color=darkblue]Screw that, if I'd been pushed in the pool, I'd [i]better[/i] get the money! ;)[/color] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mei Posted March 7, 2003 Share Posted March 7, 2003 On my way to St. Ives I met a man coming back with 7 wives, who each had 7 bags, with 7 cats in each, and 7 kittens per cat. How many were on their way to St. Ives? (this ones easy, old, and stupid, juts think logicallyOo) [color=white]One...the rest were on their way back^^()[/color] Highlight right before this...I don't know how to hide the answer any way else.Oo Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jeebs Posted March 7, 2003 Share Posted March 7, 2003 Put [ spoiler ]the answer[ /spoiler ] without the spaces. A boy walks up to his mother and asks "Is God straight or not?" His mother responds "Both." He then asks "Is God black or white?" and she says "Both." Then he asks "Is God a boy or a girl?" and she says "Both." Finally, the boy asks "Does that mean Michael Jackson is God?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stitch Posted March 7, 2003 Share Posted March 7, 2003 i'm probably gonna regret this.... but o well here goes wanna hear a dirty joke ..... a man fell in a mudd puddle.... *dodges tomatoes* ok ok i got a better one... A man escaped jail by digging a hole from his jail cell to the outside world. When finally his work was done, he emerged in the middle of a preschool playground. "I'm free, I'm free!" he shouted. "So what," said a little girl. "I'm four." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mei Posted March 8, 2003 Share Posted March 8, 2003 Ah thanks for the help!^^ Jokes are so fun...and yet so very idiotic...Oo Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nezzyjean Posted March 8, 2003 Share Posted March 8, 2003 Ok..I've got a few.... Ok...there are two guys who walk their dogs together every day... guy#1 has a german shepard...and guy#2 has a chiwowa...one day while they were walkin dogs... Guy#1: Lets go eat at that new restaurant down the street!! Guy#2: But that restaurant doesn't allow pets...and we have our dogs with us...REMEMBER??!! g1: I know how we can still get in! Foolow mai lead!!! So guy1 pulls out a pair of thick dark sunglasses takes his dog into the restaurant and runs into the host(or guy @ the front desk) Host: I'm sorry sir, but there are no pets allowed in this restaraunt! g1: But I am blind and this is my seeing eye dog!! Host: A german shepard?? g1: yes... they are very good seeing eyedogs!! host: Ok...fine..you may be seated. Guy2 sees that guy1 has been allowed inside the restaraunt so he follows his lead and takes his chiwowa to the restaraunt. Host: I'm sorry sir, but there are no pets allowed in this restaraunt! g2: But I am blind and this is my seeing eye dog!! Host: I am sorry but I cannot beleive that a chiwowa is a suitable seeing eyedog!! g2: YOU MEAN TO TELL ME THAT THEY GAVE ME A CHIWOWA??!!! Ok...whats orange and sounds like a parrot?? A carrot Ok.... next one... This little girl named...uh....Dana goes to bible school. this boy named...ummmm... Joe sits behind her. Today..he brought a stick in from recess... Teacher:Class, who created the world... Joe: :: pokes dana:: Dana: GOD!!! ::glares at joe:: Teacher: Very good Dana! Who was god's son?? Joe: :: pokes dana:: Dana: JESUS CHRIST!! ::glares at joe again:: Teacher: I beleive your on a role to day Dana!! Now class...what did Eve say to Adam after living with him for 15 years? Joe: :: pokes dana:: Dana: POKE ME WITH THAT STICK ONE MORE TIME AND I"LL BREAK IT IN HALF!!! what do you call a midget psycic who has recently escaped from jail? A small medium @large. So I guy doesn't like peas, so he goes to the doctor and asks the doctor to help him like peas. The doctor looks in his eyes ears and his mouth and says, come back in a year, and I'll see what I can do. So the guy comes back in a year and the doctor looks in his ears eyes and his mouth again. Doctor: u r not ready to eat a pea yet...come back in 4 years. So the guy comes back in 4 years, the doctor checks his ears, eyes and mouth Doctor: You're still not ready to eat a pea...come back in 15 years. So the guy comes back in 15 years and the Docter checks his ears, eyes and mouth. Doctor: You are finally ready. Go to the Grocery store and buy a giant bag of peas. SO the guy goes to the grocery store and buys the peas, puts them in his trunk and drives home. His neighbor is out side getting the paper. The guy opens the bag of peas right there in his driveway, takes one little pea out... Guy: this is the first pea i've had in 20 years!! Neighbor: HEAD FOR THE HILLS ITS GONNA FLOOD!!!! If u din't get that...then i won't even bother explaining it.... well, those r it... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Posthumous Posted March 8, 2003 Share Posted March 8, 2003 [size=1][color=teal][b]Got some soccer jokes Q.What's the difference between Liverpool(English Premiership Team) and a bag of tea? A.The tea bag stays in the cup longer! An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman are wandering through the desert, hungry and hallucinating, when they come upon a rotting, dead camel. "Well," said the Englishman, "I support the Liverpool football club, so I'll eat the liver." "I support the Hearts club," said the Scotsman, "so I'll eat the heart." "I support Arsenal," said the Irishman, "but I seem to have lost my appetite." [/b][/color][/size] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
spike speigel Posted March 8, 2003 Share Posted March 8, 2003 Ok I got a few but they're kind of a stupid-funny. Why did the one monkey fall out of the tree? Because he was dead. Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree? Because he was holding onto the first. Why did the third monkey fall out of the tree? Becasue of peer pressure. Q. What do you call a dead horse? A. A dead horse. What else would you call it? YAY! I'm a memeber! Let's throw a party! :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Xra Posted March 8, 2003 Share Posted March 8, 2003 YAY!!!! A light goes out in the kitchen. How many men will it take to fix that light? [spoiler]None, get the ***** to do it.(sorry if this offends anyone)[/spoiler] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Yu Law Posted March 8, 2003 Share Posted March 8, 2003 umm...I think you should have said woman don't highlight the spoiler -_- Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Biida Posted March 8, 2003 Share Posted March 8, 2003 [color=skyblue]Oooo. Cheesy jokes! Fun! XD ~~~ For this joke, you sorta have to bring the Trinity into play. Jesus decides to go for a walk in heaven and comes across a little old man sitting at the pearly gates. So he decides to talk to him. The little old man says, "I'm from the Mediteranean Sea area." Jesus says, "So am I." The old man says, "My father was a carpenter." Jesus says, "So was mine." Jesus said, "My son was given to me by a supernatural force." The old man said, "Mine was too." Finally, Jesus can't hold it in any more... [spoiler]Jesus: FATHER! Old man: PINNOCHIO![/spoiler] ~~~ Two rabbits are hopping down the road. One stops, one hops [i]on[/i]. ~~~ Daddy, mommy and baby tomato are walking down the road. The baby tomato falls behind, and the daddy stops and turns around. [spoiler]"KETCHUP!"[/spoiler][/color] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
future girl Posted March 8, 2003 Share Posted March 8, 2003 there's a man in the middle of a field stark naked, holding two packs of cigarettes when he sees 3 nuns passing by. he freezes and when the nuns see him one says, "o i've heard of these, you give them a coin and you get a prize" so she put a coin in his mouth pulls on his penis and gets pack of cigarettes. the next nun then does the same, and also gets a pack of cigarettes. after the final nun gives him a coin, and pulls on his penis and gets nothin' she bocomes frantic and begins to pull and pull on his penis. then witt a little sigh she says, "o, i didn't get any cigarettes, but at least i got all this lovely lotion for my hands." stOopid nuns, bahahahaha!!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Zeh Posted March 8, 2003 Share Posted March 8, 2003 [color=003399]I've got a few. (time to insult Shinneh the Scot ;)) How'd the Scot die raking leaves? [spoiler]He fell out of a tree[/spoiler] How'd he die drinking water? [spoiler]Toilet seat fell on his head[/spoiler] There were 3 people, going to camp in a desert. A Scot, a Canadian, and an American. The canadian looked at the american and said "What'd you bring" The american said "Water, incase we're thirsty" The american looked at the canadian and said "What'd you bring" The canadian said "Food, incase we're hingry" They both looked at the scot and asked "What'd you bring" He replyed by sayng "I brought a car door, incase we're hot, we can roll down the window!" Hopefully you all got that ;) [/color] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Yu Law Posted March 8, 2003 Share Posted March 8, 2003 ah man thats just harsh .....a car.....t roll down the window....LMAO!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AmongtheHidden Posted March 8, 2003 Share Posted March 8, 2003 LMAO!!! Thats funny dude Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
spike speigel Posted March 9, 2003 Share Posted March 9, 2003 More dumb jokes! YAY! A canadian, George W. Bush, and Osama Binladen are walking through a forest, when they find a genie. "I will grant you all one wish." the genies says. "I'm a framer, so I wish for all the land in Canada to be fertile." the Canadian says. "Your wish is granted." the genie replies. "I want a giant wall all around Afghanistan, so that nothing can get in or out." Says Osama. "Your wish is granted." the genie replies. "Fill the wall with water." George Bush says. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Heartless Me Posted March 9, 2003 Share Posted March 9, 2003 Why did the golfer bring an extra pair of pants to the course? In case he got a whole in one. Do you know how we know god created woman? Cause their still a pain in our side til this day! Why did god creat man? Cause she didn't think that woman needed three boobs or [spoiler]Cause a vibrator can't mow the lawn![/spoiler] *note* Yes I am a guy but oh well... it's still funny.... A blonde calls 911 and yells "help my house is on fire!" the dispatcher replys "calm down, how do we get there?" the woman on the other end makes an annoyed sound and says "Duh! Big red truck!" Do you know why so many blonde jokes are one liners? So brunettes can remember them? Do you know what blondes and brunettes have in common? They both hate rednecks! What do you call a blonde that died her hair another color? Artificial intelligence What do you call a single brown hair on a blondes head? Hope. How do you stop an elephant from charging? Take away his credit card. Guy on phone #1:Hey have you heard of the new click? Guy on phone #2:No what's that? *Guy on phone#1 hangs up.* That's all i can think of for now but i'm sure i'll have more later. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jeebs Posted March 9, 2003 Share Posted March 9, 2003 A golfer and a nun were on a golf course. The golfer swings at the ball and misses and says "****! I missed!" So the nun says "Say that one more time and the good lord will punish you!" The golfer swings again, misses, and says "****! I missed!" The nun says "Say that [I]one[/I] more time and the good lord will punish you!" The golfer swings again, misses, and says "****! I missed!" Then a lighting bolt comes down and hits the nun and God says "****! I missed!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dragonstar Posted March 9, 2003 Share Posted March 9, 2003 :D I'm warning you now, some of these (ok most of these) are truly terrible... you have been warned... 1st guy: my dog's got no nose.. 2nd guy: how does it smell..? 1st guy: [spoiler]terrible..[/spoiler] ¬_¬ yeh Why did the orange cross the road? [spoiler]to play squash[/spoiler] Why did the hedgehog cross the road? [spoiler]to visit his flat mate[/spoiler] How do ya get a Pikachu on a bus? [spoiler]Poke 'im on.. (pokemon..?)[/spoiler] Why did the one armed man cross the road? [spoiler]to get to the second hand shop[/spoiler] How do you get four elephants in a Mini? [spoiler]two in the front and two in the back.. duh..[/spoiler] How do you know there's an elephant under your bed? [spoiler]you bang your head on the ceiling[/spoiler] What do you get when you cross a mouse and an elephant? [spoiler]great big holes in your skirting board[/spoiler] What do you get when you cross a sheepdog and some daisies? [spoiler]a cauliflower[/spoiler] What do you call a sleepwalking nun? [spoiler]A romin Catholic[/spoiler] (please noone take offense at this, I'm Catholic myself..) Now for my my doctor doctor series... Doctor Doctor, I feel like curtains.. Well pull yourself together man! Doctor Doctor, I feel like a pack of cards.. Sit over there, I'll deal with you later. Doctor Doctor, I feel like a bridge! Well what's come over you..? Two lorries, four busses and a car.. (ouch) Doctor Doctor, I've got 30 seconds to live! I'll deal with you in a minute.. The rest I can think of are just plain rude, including what I call the "zzztz!" joke.. I also got a buncha David Beckham jokes if anyone's interested...? Oh: then there's this.. News Reporter: The man who inveted the Hokey Cokey died yesterday, problems occorred when undertakers tried to put him in the coffin.. (you put your left leg, your left leg out..) Traffic was held up on the M6 motorway today, by a huge hole in the road, Police are looking in to it.. :therock: They just get worse and worse... :rolleyes: :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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