Writing Greed (Rated [M])

[The Vampire: Ed]

Hmm...well, this is my first time posting something in here so be gentle. LOL. Well, I actually had nothing to do and I hadn't written anything in a good while. So I decided to see what I could come up with.

I doubt it's any good, but I'd really appreciate some feedback on it. Thanks.

[center][SIZE=3][b][u]Greed[/u][/b][/SIZE]
[SIZE=1]by The Vampire: Ed[/SIZE][/center]
[center]
The wind was howling madly as the night progressed, it was as if the icy breath of death was breathing over your shoulder. The feeling of the freezing wind made people's skin turn red, as if their flesh had been whipped raw by a bamboo rod. A sole figure is seen in the distance covered by the shadows of the buildings surrounding the dimly lit street, it was an man looking to be somewhere in his late sixties. He had set out to purchase his medication from the local pharmacy, luckily for him it was open all night and his slow paced strut wouldn't cause him to reach the store after closing hours. His breath quicken as his stamina drained, his legs ached as he pushed on through the snow.

"Jim, you old fool." The old man said through chattering teeth at himself. "Why couldn't you get your heart pills before this damned snow fell? The weather man said it was going to snow. But, no! You didn't want to believe him, he's just some snot nosed punk fresh out of weather school or where the hell ever they get their training. Ugh-idiot."

Still inwardly beating himself up for not getting there before the snow hit, Jim began kicking the snow with each step. Finally, as he reached the pharmacy he breaths a deep sigh of relief as he looked in at the friendly face of Jenny the usual cashier. He walks around the side of the store, and opens the door as the bell ring signaling his presence. Jenny smiles at Jim nervously, Jim's first thoughts were that something maybe wrong but said nothing.

"Hey, Jenny, how's everything?" Jim asks with a raspy voice, and receives another nervous smile as she attempts to reply. "F-f-fine. I'm good?um?so what can I get you?" Jenny finally blurts out almost urgently.

Jim begins to suspect something is amiss more so than earlier, then begins to look around the store but sees nothing out of the ordinary. Confused now Jim turns his attention back toward Jenny, but something catches his eye as he glances at the large bubble like mirror in the corner of the store. Looking at it he can see behind the counter where Jenny is standing before him, and kneeling by her leg is a semi-large man wearing a ski mask with a gun pressed against her mid-section. Jim's eyes grow wide, and he looks back at Jenny seeing a tear rolling down her face polluted by her black mascara. Jim looks back at the mirror watching the man grasping Jenny's thigh tightly, and his patience seems to be dwindling.

"O-oh, I?uh?just came for my heart medication, and?um?to use your pay phone in the back. I'll see if there are any taxis available to pick me up. I'm getting to old now to walk in the snow." Jim said with an urgency in his voice as he winked at Jenny letting her know he had a plan, she nodded as she reached under the counter to grab the prescription he was going to pick up earlier. Jenny handed the bag to Jim, and smiled nervously again feeling a little at ease because of Jim's presence. "Thanks, Jenny. I?uh?just going to use the phone, then I'll be out of your hair."

Jim turned, and proceed towards the back of the store looking back occasionally to see if Jenny was still okay. Then reached out gripping the receiver of the pay phone, lifting it his hand shook as he felt a bit queasy. He held the receiver to his ear, and dialed 9-1-1. After a few moments an operator picked up. "9-1-1, what is the emergency?" The operator asked sounding slightly robotic with the lack of emotion in her voice.

"Yes, I'd like to report a robbery in progress." Jim said as quietly as possible looking back every so often. Jim keep speaking informing the operator on the situation, but back at the counter the large man tightened his grip on Jenny's thigh and began to whisper to her. "After the old man leaves put the money, and drugs in the bag." The thief pauses to laugh lightly at a thought, then continues his sentence. "Then, drop your drawers. I've got something?else I want to do."

The thief smiles as he sees the fear in Jenny's eyes as she looks down at him shaking, then his smile slowly fades as it dawns on him. "Wait a god damned second?I didn't hear the old man put in any change. But?he's talking." The thief pauses again to look around then sees the mirror, and himself hunched down clutching Jenny's leg and holding a gun. "Oh--****!" He blurts out in anger, then quickly gets to his feet and leaps over the counter pointing his gun at Jim's back.

"That's right, it's on the corner?" Jim began to say, but the sound of a gun clicking halted his speech. "Put that mother ******' phone down, and reach for the ceiling." The thief yells, and Jim immeadiatly drops the phone then raises his arms.

"You sneaky old prick. I oughta' blow your damn head off, but I don't feel like cleaning cobwebs and brain juice out of my clothes. Get the **** over there; by the *****." The thief turns to his side with the gun still on Jim, as he points towards the counter then adjusts his mask to make sure it's covering his face good enough. Jim walks past the thief cautiously toward Jenny looking frightened, and stands in front of the counter again.

"I'm sorry I got you into this, Jim." Jenny said as she burst out in tears. "Don't worry, Jenny. It's not your fault?" Jim begins to say, but is cut off by the thief again. "Yeah, it was your fault you stupid old bastard. All you had to do was get your damn pills, and get the hell out. But no, you had to be the brave guy."

The thief suddenly clubs Jim in the back of the head with the butt of his gun knocking him onto the counter. Jenny lets out a scream as she watches Jim slump to the floor with the back of his head bloodied. The thief laughs again, then points the gun at Jenny as she attempted to come around the counter to check on Jim.

"Stay where you are, babe! I don't wanna' have to put a bullet in that pretty little face of your's. Now pick up the bag I left back there, then start loading it up with all the money and drugs you got back there." The thief ordered.

Jenny bent down and grabbed the bag, then opened the cash register. As she removed the money from the register drawer, the thief tapped on the counter reminding her to get the money from the safe under the counter. Jenny terrified, and frustrated just pulled the tray from the drawer then dumps it into the bag. After emptying the drawer she puts the tray on the counter, then kneels down at the safe to open it. She looks up again to see the thief leaning over the counter pointing the gun at her, and staring down her shirt at her bra covered breast. Jenny grabs the collar of her shirt holding it shut with one hand as she continues to put the combination in, and receive an amused grin from the thief.

Jim began to stir, and awoke slightly dazed but conscious. He looks at the thief preoccupied with Jenny attempting to open the safe, then begins to think to himself. [i]"Jenny, she's just a young girl, Jim. Her life is just beginning, and it would be a shame if it were to end now. Jim, old boy, you got to pick yourself up and help her. You've had a pretty good life, and if you die today at least it'll be to help another. Now, get up!"[/i]

Jim slowly gets up as quietly as he can, staggering slightly, then reaches for a bottle of Arizona Iced Tea sitting in the near by display. The thief stares at Jenny as she is just finishing up loading the money into the bag, then leans back as she stands up. Jenny gasps in shock at seeing Jim on his feet again, the thief began to look his way but gets hit by the bottle of iced tea he had clenched in his hand. The glass shatters over the thief's head, and the tea explodes soaking the three of them as well as everything else in the area. Momentarily blinded by the liquid, and dazed by the hard glass bottle shattering over his face Jim took this opportunity attempting to unarm him.

Jim grabbed his arm, and held it close as he stood to the side of the thief trying to pry the gun from his hand. The thief feeling daze is slightly weaken, but not enough for Jim to pull the gun free. After a short struggle they both fall to the floor, and continue the struggle. From outside the sound of a squad car is heard pulling up with it's siren blazing, the thief begins to struggle with more urgency to escape.

Outside the two police officers step out of the squad car, and look at each other. "All right, Gary, there are two hostages so watch the gun fire." The cop from the driver side said to Gary, the cop who got out of the passenger side. "Don't worry about it, Ted. I've got it." Gary replies.

Suddenly, just as they finished talking a gun shot is heard from inside the pharmacy. The two police officers look at each other in fear that they're too late, rushing to the door they look in seeing two men laying on the floor. The slowly begin to enter the pharmacy with their guns drawn, they look over at Jenny holding her mouth in shock as she just stares at the two men laying motionless on the floor. The masked thief lays under Jim as the police slowly approach them, Ted grabs onto Jim's shoulder as he signals Gary to watch his back. Ted rolls Jim over off of the thief seeing blood all over the two of them, Ted asks Jim is he was shot because his face is contorted as if he was in pain himself.

"N?n-no?get an ambulance?I'm having a heart?attack." Jim answers weakly, as Jenny slowly begins to approach them still in shock. Ted grabs his police radio on his belt, and brings it to his mouth calmly asking for the assistance of paramedics from the local hospital. Gary in the mean time checks on the thief, he lifts his shirt seeing a gun shot wound and blood pouring out. Gary checks the thief's pulse, and shakes his head at Ted letting him know that he was dead.

Jim clutches his chest weakly, but smiles at Jenny to reassure her that he was going to be okay. Jenny falls to her knees by Jim's side crying uncontrollably, the police officer, Ted, holds Jim's hand trying to comfort him and keep him conscious until the paramedics arrive.

Moments later the ambulance arrives, and two paramedics run in through the front door as Jim starts to seizure. Jenny begins to cry harder, and begins to shake Jim herself trying to bring him out of it. Ted grabs a hold of Jenny, and pulls her from the pharmacy.

"Please, miss, you need to wait out here. You're too frantic, and the paramedics may not be able to handle it. Wait, in the squad car to keep warm." Ted said to Jenny as he opened the door to the squad car letting her sit down. Gary then comes out, and speaks to Ted away from Jenny. Both of them look a little saddened, then Ted returns to Jenny to speak with her.

"I'm sorry, miss. But?your friend?he didn't make it." Ted said in grief, and put a hand on Jenny's shoulder as she cried again attempting to comfort her. "I'll let you be alone for now, I'm going to have to go back in and look around. I'll come back and talk to you about this a little later." Ted said as he turned, and headed back inside the store.

A month passes, the incident still on everyone's minds in this little community and the one getting all the attention is Jenny. People look at her, and think "What a brave girl." But when she looks at herself in the mirror in the morning, she can feel nothing but guilt. She blamed herself for Jim's death, and it had been hard for her to live with. But she kept going to work everyday, with everyone thinking she had a strong will. This morning she arrived at the pharmacy to begin work, and found a squad car park out front. Jenny enters the store, and she is greeted by the two police officers from that night, Ted and Gary.

"Good morning, Ms. Walton. I was wondering if I could ask you a few questions about that attempted robbery last month." Ted asks. "I guess so?but I all ready told you everything that happened." Jenny replied.

"Yes, I'm aware that you did. Mr. Walton, were you aware that this pharmacy has a button under the counter to trigger a silent alarm?" Ted asked. "Yes, I was. But I told you before that I never had a chance to press it. That guy kept his gun on me the whole time. If I moved, he would have shot me." Jenny answered.

"Oh yeah, I remember that?But when we viewed the surveillance video it seemed like there was plenty of time for you to press the button. How about when the perpetrator jumped over the counter, and stood behind Mr. Larson? He seemed to completely forget about you, you could have pressed the button at that time. Couldn't you? " Ted said again questioning Jenny. "Yes, but I was frightened! Besides, he could have looked back and suspected something. He would have probably murdered both Jim, and myself then!" Jenny replied sounding upset.

"That's a good answer, I should have thought that myself. Now, do you happen to know a Peter Miller?" Ted again asked this time more sternly, Jenny seemed nervous and shook her head denying she did. "But, according to several people I talked to he was your boyfriend. He was also the perpetrator. You didn't know him?"

"I?um?No, I never?" Jenny began to say, but is cut off by Ted. "Cut out the little game. We know he was your boyfriend, and as a matter of fact we talked to some of his friends. They said you two joked frequently about just robbing this place blind. You two apparently said you could easily stage a robbery for the camera, and get away with it. Ms. Walton, he knew where the safe was and it was hidden inside a cabinet in the counter. According to the video tape he couldn't have found it while he was behind the counter, he was only hunched back there for about ten minutes and the safe is hidden too well for him to have seen. I think you told him where it was, and I think the two of you arranged the whole robbery." Ted began to question Jenny more forcefully, as she shook and looked around frantically seeing the accusing eyes now own her.

"I?um?I?No one was suppose to get hurt! I told Peter not to load the gun! I didn't want Jim to die! You have to believe me." Jenny blurted out the truth crying and filled with guilt.

"I believe you, Ms. Walton. I can tell no one was supposed to get hurt. The way you reacted was too sincere, that's how I know you were really broken up about the whole incident. Jim was a friend, and I know you aren't the type who'd actually want someone to die. But the fact still remains that you helped plan the robbery, and it was your plan that caused two deaths. One was your boyfriend, and one was a friend willing to risk his life to save your's not knowing it was nothing but a set up. Even if you didn't mean for any of it to happen, you still caused it and you must pay for your crime. Jennifer Walton?you're under arrest for aiding and abiding in an attempted robbery, and murder." Ted says as he motions to his partner, Gary, to make the arrest.

Gary cuffs Jenny as Ted reads her, her rights. Everyone inside the store watching in disgust as Jenny is taken out to the squad car, and put in the back. The officers get in the front, and begin to drive back to the station. The drive seemed to last forever, and the stares of disappointed bystanders keep coming.

Three months later Jenny had been sentenced to forty years in prison, with no chance for parole. By the time she gets out, she herself would be in her late sixties and she knew it. Everyday in prison was like hell for her, she had to live with the knowledge that she was the cause of two deaths and she was treated like garbage by the other inmates.

Finally, after six months in prison she couldn't take it any longer. The next morning she was found dead, it was suicide. She had hung herself with the sheets of her bed, and strangled to death.

Now, she was the cause of three deaths. Her boyfriend Peter Miller, her elderly friend Jim Larson, and herself. All of which could have been avoided, but was not due to a single weakness.

All because of greed, the downfall of humanity.[/center]

[Raiha]

[COLOr=royalblue]I feel very happy now, how about you? Rather depressing, but at least it had a big ending. If I were you, I'd avoid using the word "suddenly." It's a major downfall for many writers. Also, try doing active voice. Example:

Non active voice: "Jim was shot by Joe."

Active voice: "Joe shot Jim. Hahaha."

Well, sorta like that. It makes it more interesting to read. Otherwise, great plot. Really uplifting.[/COLOr]

[The Vampire: Ed]

Heh, yeah it's depressing. It just came to me that way as I was writing it. But I guess it serves a purpose. Kind of like a moral story, I suppose.

Thanks for the advice, and comments. I'm just glad it won't slip off into OtakuBoards oblivion without being noticed now. I didn't even notice it was that long. Thanks again.

[Shinkoru]

Nice. Depressing yeh, but somehow it fits my mood. Verry nice...