Writing Murder

[Shinobi]

Well here I am, once again i have spewed out another poem. I can't seem to pull away from these Evil poems o_O;; Everytime i go to write i come out with an evil peice of shiznit. Anywho, here it is C&C and Rate, Thanks.

[b]Murder[/b]

?You?re the Devil himself!?
The last words he did mutter
As the coldness of death shot threw him
He started to stutter

?I have no remorse
Do you think I?m an alarmist??
He flicked out a knife and scored ?lion?
On his chest

The man tried to scamper
His muscles just froze
He was petrified
For ?He? arose

He asked the man
?Do you like Scarface??
He curled up and tried to embrace
The attack that was about to impale him
The sound faded, it all went dim?

As he jump started to consciousness
He was in a hospital bed
He was purple and Blue
With his hands clung to his head
As he remembers the last thing ?He? said:
?Your gonna die little man! You stupid peace of ****!?
?I?m gonna rip you apart, from bit to bit!?

The rhythmic beeping of the life support machine
Gave an almost scary tone to the tragic scene
As the beep gradually but surely, started to slow
The Doctor arrived
?You are no Doctor!? I cried
As it was ?He?
Then he delivered, the final blow?

[Charles]

That was [i]pretty[/i] good, Shineh. As I read it, you switch perspectives from third person to first person in the last stanza--which confuses me a bit. You should address that.

On an unrelated note, how do would you feel about it ending like this:

[i]?You are no Doctor!? I cried
As it was ?He?
Who would deliver, the final blow?[/i]

I'm not suggesting that it would be better. But, what do you think?

Also, the beginning of the fifth stanza was a bit awkward. Try a slight tweak like this:

[i]He jump started to consciousness
Was in a hospital bed
Was purple and Blue[/i]

I hope my comments help somewhat.

[Shinobi]

Hey thanks C-Money LOL! Yeah, but thanks alot ^_^ that really helped, and i think it actually would work much better like that...Thanks again.