Writing Patient 13

[Charles]

[i]This is a scene I've started, where the character's mood is at odds with the weather. Nevertheless, the weather expresses the character's mood.

I haven't completed it yet, but feel free to give me your opinions and tell me if I'm meeting the requirements so far.[/i]

It's a day by the window, a day free of the grinning, bone-colored walls. A day free of huddling in the corner with his knees tucked into his chest.

Patient 13 rubs his eyes, and pours a handful of blue pills into his gullet, washing them down with black coffee. He tries to ignore the biting headache he?s gotten from overworking his eyes. Patient 13 has been staring out onto the naked expanse of the courtyard for three hours. Grimacing at the pounding fist of pain in his temples, he chews the pills into a pale paste and swallows.

Cotton candy clouds and a sprawling playground of grass dotted with dandelions and frolicking dragonflies seem threatening; they're too boring. He wants to take their serenity and smash it into pieces. But, the sunlight feels good on his face. It's much better than the faint glow the light bulb in his room emits. It's so warm--it takes him away.

Flames light up an entire block. He's back in the San Fernando Valley. The fire rises high into the night sky, engulfing what was once a picturesque Victorian mansion, while rivulets of fire drip from the molten aluminum rails of the now crisp cedar deck. The white pattern siding has melted and discolored to a point far beyond compare, and the roof sags heavily in the middle, nearing its collapse.

Police sirens flooding the desolate building bring Patient 13 back to reality. A crooked smile is plastered on his face. Blood is streaked across the floors and walls of both the upper and lower floors, disturbing the once sterile, waxed look of the place. In the middle of the lower floor sits the most disturbing vision of all: A nurse is hanging by a chain, some two feet off of the floor. Her blonde hair is streaked a crimson red, her face has gained a foul, purple tinge, and her lips pulse with intense pressure. Veins stick out on her forehead as her body hangs limp from the chain.

[Mitch]

[QUOTE][i]Originally posted by Charles [/i]


It's a day by the window, a day free of the grinning, bone-colored walls. A day free of huddling in the corner with his knees tucked into his chest.

Patient 13 rubs his eyes, and pours a handful of blue pills into his gullet, washing them down with black coffee. He tries to ignore the biting headache he?s gotten from overworking his eyes. Patient 13 has been staring out onto the naked expanse of the courtyard for three hours. Grimacing at the pounding fist of pain in his temples, he chews the pills into a pale paste and swallows.

[b]Cotton candy clouds and a sprawling playground of grass dotted with dandelions and frolicking dragonflies seem threatening; they're too boring.[/b] [color=red][This sentence needs work. It's too long, for one. And it sets me off. Cotton candy clouds? Also, the repeating of 'and' makes this sentence off and even longer than it seems. Either break it up into small sentences or get rid of some of the descriptive words. It has too many images to direct a whole image. ][/color] He wants to take their serenity and smash it into pieces. But, the sunlight feels good on his face. It's much better than the faint glow the light bulb in his room emits. It's so warm--it takes him away.

[b]Flames light up an entire block. He's back in the San Fernando Valley. The fire rises high into the night sky, engulfing what was once a picturesque Victorian mansion, while rivulets of fire drip from the molten aluminum rails of the now crisp cedar deck. The white pattern siding has melted and discolored to a point far beyond compare, and the roof sags heavily in the middle, nearing its collapse.[/b][color=red][More transition here. It's somewhat bumpy. Put at least another sentence explaining his zoning out as he is taken away to emphasize a better and more smooth story][/color]

[strike][b]Sirens[/b][/strike][color=red][The repetition of Sirens here sticks out like a sore thumb. Possibly wail, scream, and roar are a few words you could use. But there's others, of course.][/color] of police sirens flooding the desolate building bring Patient 13 back to reality. A crooked smile is plastered on his face. Blood is streaked across the floors and walls of both the upper and lower floors, disturbing the once sterile, waxed look of the place. [b]In the middle of the lower floor sits the most disturbing vision of all: A nurse is hanging by a chain, some two feet off of the floor. Her blonde hair is streaked a crimson red, her face has gained a foul, purple tinge, and her lips pulse with intense pressure. Veins stick out on her forehead as her body hangs limp from the chain.[/b][color=red][Very good ending. It is somewhat definite. But you need to have more contrast to the weather Possibly make the weather in his recollection of some grim, tragic sort.] [/QUOTE]

It is well written, as always. Just off in some parts. It needs better transition in the middle, and it needs more on the weather. Otherwise, well done.[/color]

[Lady Asphyxia]

[color=darkred]Imagery. Lots and lots of imagery. Just be careful that it doesn't turn into 'Purple Prose'. [Flowery language that tends to confuse the reader]

I like complexity of some sentences, and I dislike it in others. [Does that make sense?] Some sentences you need cut short. Some sentences you have cut short, and it's worked really well, and given emphasis. [[i]Flames light up an entire block. [/i]]

All around, well done.[/color]

[Charles]

Well, I've completed the scene. I still feel that I should go back and cut down some of my sentences and their complexity, as per your suggestions. As it stands, it seems as if I've actually lengthened some though. lol

Overall, I feel that it works nicely, however. I [i]did[/i] attempt to improve the rough transitions of my unfinished version. Was I successful? Be sure to let me know.

Of course, I very much appreciated how the siren typo was pointed out. Much thanks for that. And, be sure to let me know whether I've unwittingly transformed this into "Purple Prose" or not, Lady A. ~_^




It's a day by the window, a day free of the grinning, bone-colored walls. A day free of huddling in the corner with his knees tucked into the crevice of his chest cavity.

Patient 13 rubs his eyes, and pours a handful of random blue pills into his gullet, washing them down with black coffee. He tries to ignore the biting headache he?s gotten from overworking his eyes. He's been staring out onto the naked expanse of the courtyard for three hours. Grimacing at the pounding fist of pain in his temples, he chews the pills into a pale paste and swallows.

Cotton candy clouds and a sprawling playground of grass dotted with dandelions and frolicking dragonflies seem threatening; they're too boring. It's like watching a silent movie, the story of his life. He wants to take their serenity and smash it into pieces. But, the sunlight feels good on his face. It's much better than the faint glow of the low wattage light bulb that keeps him company in his room. It's so warm--it takes him away.

Flames light up an entire block. He's back in the San Fernando Valley. The fire rises high into the night sky, engulfing what was once a picturesque Victorian mansion, while rivulets of fire drip from the molten aluminum rails of the now crisp cedar deck. The white pattern siding has melted and discolored to a point far beyond compare, and the roof sags heavily in the middle, nearing its collapse.

Police sirens flooding the desolate building bring Patient 13 back to reality. A crooked smile is plastered over his face. It seems to compliment his hallow cheeks and empty gray eyes. He stares far off, over the horizon and is lost in a small assemblage of storm clouds that have begun to stalk the chaotic stillness unfolding before him. It's the quiet before the storm.

A crackle of radios rumble down the hallways as if in jealous reply to the murmur of thunder, cooing Patient 13. He rises. Blood is streaked across the floors and walls of both the upper and lower floors, disturbing the once sterile, waxed look of the place. In the middle of the lower floor sits the most disturbing vision of all: A nurse is hanging by a chain, some two feet off of the floor. Her blonde hair is streaked a crimson red, her face has gained a foul, purple tinge, and her lips pulse with intense pressure. Veins stick out on her forehead as her body hangs limp from the chain.

Patient 13's heart skips a beat, as he admires his work. A flash of lightning bathes her in a beauty she could never possess as a living creature.

[Lady Macaiodh]

[color=darkblue]It took me a day to reply to this.

I must say, I'm surprised. I didn't know you had it in you, Charles.

One thing, though. Patient 13? Why not just get it over with & make it Patient 666?

Otherwise, I feel like I have a whole new insight into your mind. Maybe, I should find out more?[/color]

[Charles]

Find out more? Sure, if you're not repulsed by the bizarreness of it all. lol

I was actually toying around with the "666" idea. But, I didn't know whether I was going to have to read this aloud or not. I get easily embarrassed when I read my stuff in that class because for some reason or another, most of the students in there are overly preppy. So, I didn't want to overdo the Satanic angle [i]too[/i] much. They might have automatically overlooked everything else and gotten on my case about being cliche or something.

[TheShinje]

[size=1] [color=blue]

That was amazing [strike] Crazy White Boy [/strike] Charles.

It was littered with symbols and the like. It would have been cool to have the evil patient 666 too lol.

Was the patient maentally ill? Or just plain sick? It has me thinking.

Nice work [/size][/color]

[The Vampire: Ed]

Your writing as usual is superb, and I really liked the wording you used in the story. It gave it more of a creepy feel the way it was all described, and the patient 13 concept is pretty cool. Patient 666 would have sounded cool, but it would been terribly cliche in my opinion. So I am glad you steered clear of it. Obviously, I like the stories with what I guess you could call the "bad ending."

Good work, keep it up.