Sui Generis Posted March 23, 2003 Share Posted March 23, 2003 Well its been forever since I have posted any of my poetry on here. Its been almost 7 months O.o.....Anyways I wrote this poem when I got bored in English a week ago. Its ok but I want others opinions on it. Comments and Criticism needed! [b]Back Up[/b] Back up, You've knocked me down! Back up, You've made me frown! You pushed and pulled fighting me Blindly kicking you'll never see Back up, You've torn me apart! Back up, You've ripped my heart! You've haunted me every day Screaming, not listening, to what I say. Back up, You've broken my will! Back up, You've made me ill! You've taken away my only dream Knocking me off life's little beam. Back up, You've tried it all! Back up, You've made me fall...... So yeah thats it.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dd protector Posted March 23, 2003 Share Posted March 23, 2003 Its simple buts its kewl. Its touching and it seems very personal and conflicting. 7/10 keep writing ^_^ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shaun Posted March 24, 2003 Share Posted March 24, 2003 I like that. A lot. It seems so simple, yet if you really look at where it came from, it's so deep as well. I give an 8/10. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Posthumous Posted March 25, 2003 Share Posted March 25, 2003 [color=teal][size=1][b]You should become a rapper y'know. That's a nice song, the words fit together.I likies! 9/10[/b][/size][/color] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pomme putr Posted March 25, 2003 Share Posted March 25, 2003 I don?t like it. The refrain doesn?t come off as poetic, rather, irritating and amateur. It's too straight-forward for my tastes. It seems like you didn?t take the time to establish any real flavor, and because of this, there really isn?t anything in the poem that stands out as abstract, or deep. Practice on depth, and don?t model your poetry after the lyrics you hear on MTV. 4/10. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sui Generis Posted March 25, 2003 Author Share Posted March 25, 2003 I really wish you could read some of my other stuff. I actually agree with you, I personally didn't like the poem...Thanks for the straight-forwardness... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Frankie Posted March 25, 2003 Share Posted March 25, 2003 VERY.... very... um. ..i like it sort off. . its good im not to into the poetry thing anymore and to think i used to win poetry awards *fizzles* Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Juu Posted March 30, 2003 Share Posted March 30, 2003 [color=ff00cc] [size=1]Hmm... not bad. 7/10 I like the way you made the words rhyme, but I think a few words can be taken off to make the stanza flow a little easier. ^_^; I can't write poems at all, soo... *curls up under desk* [/color] [/size] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mitch Posted March 30, 2003 Share Posted March 30, 2003 [color=red] It's too monotone and not original enough. I'm all with pomme--it needs to be deeper. Deeper in that it needs to be abstract. It needs to have some wonderfully descriptive words that bring you into the feelings you're feeling. More poetic. Find something that relates to your feeling--something utterly abstract. Something that [i]screams[/i] your feelings out and gives an utter and powerful taste of your feeling to the reader. I give it a 3.5/10. It's not my tastes for a poem. At all. But don't feel discouraged--I started off on the same end of poetry as you.[/color] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jupitersun Posted April 1, 2003 Share Posted April 1, 2003 i've read better but it's not bad...very simple and loose i like it.7 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
conpiracymonki Posted April 1, 2003 Share Posted April 1, 2003 [b][size=1] Well I like it o.o' It might not be long, or too thought out, but it gets to the point, and screams out what it wants to scream. And if you think it through as you read it, you'll notice it [i]does[/i] rhyme well, and [i]is[/i] deep. Not everything has to be 20 stanzas to mean something.[/b] 8/10 I just thought the ending was a bit sudden >.>[/size] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
vegeta rocker Posted April 1, 2003 Share Posted April 1, 2003 (laughs at Rikkus crotch) it sounds like that kelly osbourne song shut up. but i don't think its very deep at all kind of like a pop song Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tasrai Posted April 2, 2003 Share Posted April 2, 2003 [SIZE=1][FONT=arial][COLOR=green]I can't say that I didn't like it, it rhymed to me, it was a little short for me but I'm all with Ajeh not everything has to be 20 stanzas to mean something, and if you study every two or so phrases and think about them they are somewhat deep, 8/10 ^_^[/SIZE][/FONT][/COLOR] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eve Posted April 13, 2003 Share Posted April 13, 2003 ya! i agree that is very good u should make more really i beg u to make more plez Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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