Writing Why Tooth Decay Isn't Possible On Mars

[Dragon Warrior]

Another one of them danged Gavin elaborate comedy stories. What's up with this Gavin guy and his stories? I dunno, but he's awesome and that's a fact.

Anyways, I wanted to write something completely odd and I guess I succeeded. I just started writing and continued with no plot in my mind. This is the result: A dang good story ^^

[SIZE=4][b][u]Why Tooth Decay is not Possible on Mars[/u][/b][/SIZE]

I found out why it wasn't possible about 5 years ago. It all started when I was traveling down a river with some of my old pals. I believe their names were Stinky Joe and Bumper Sticker Bob. Anyways, we were traveling down that river when all of a sudden, I got a hankerin' for some fine T-Bone Steaks.

"Park this boat, Stinky Joe." I said. "I have a hankerin' for some T-Bone Steaks." As loyal as Stinky was, he knew his position.

"Shut up, Bud. You're not the boss of me."

"Like Hell, I am!" I shouted back. Stinky needed to learn his place.

"We're not stoppin' 'til I get a hankerin' for mashed potatoes." Joe fought back.

"That's it!" I was about to take out my almighty Thwacking Stick of Doom when suddenly, we hit a current and went quickly down the river so fast that it knocked me on my butt. I couldn't feel it for a sec. I swear, I couldn't! I found myself clinging for dear life. Rain suddenly began pouring and I had to shield my eyes before they burned them out with their nasty drops. "Take down the sails, Bob!" Bob did what I said. He was smarter than Joe, obviously. Messing with me was a death wish or somethin'.

So, as he was told, Bob took down the sails. As stubborn as he was, Stinky Joe was just sittin' there, chewin' what seemed to be a piece of beef jerky. I approuched him angrily even with that strong wind pushing on me.

"And where on God's Green Goodness did you get that beef jerky, son?"

Joe looked at me and spit off the side. Unfortunately, the wind blew the spit and WHAM! Right in my eye! I nearly took a tumble off. I was blind. "Man down! MAN DOWN!" I shouted. I heard Bumper Sticker Bob and then felt him bringing me to the center of the craft. That was the end of my right eye. I had lost it forever. Once you get beef jerky juice in it, there's no tellin' what will happen. But I could tell. I was going blind. "You're lucky I'm blind now, Joe!"

I could hear Joe snicker, but I was paying more attention to the storm. I felt myself being tossed around, the wind ripping through my hair. It was the end, boys and girls. It was the end. Then, all of a sudden, we hit somethin'. This made me fly through the air. The next thing I knew, I was on wet grass. I felt myself to check if I was all in one piece. My pants were a bit soaked. "I hope this is rain."

"You okay, Bud?" I heard Bob ask. I got up and opened the eye I could see out of.

"Yeah, Bumper Sticker Bob. I'm fine. But where's Stinky Joe? I've got a bone to pick with him."

Joe approuched me and acted as if nothing happened. "What a wild trip."

"Yeah!" I snapped. "Wild, my appletree! I was nearly killed and all you did was eat beef jerky that you probably stole. And what else? You blinded me, son! BLINDED ME!"

"It was an accident." He shrugged and walked off. A little kid approuched the shipwreck. I had to turn down my cussing for the little tike.

"I'll see you in hell!" I shouted at Joe. After that, I turned to Bob and nodded. "Let's go."

"You're just gonna leave Joe?"

"Stinky Joe can obviously take care of himself." I chuckled at that. I knew he wouldn't survive. In fact, I'd probably turn around right now and see him crawling back to be with us.

Now, folks. You better cut out your eyes because this is somethin' unimaginable. I turned to already see Joe owning a large mall. What the hell! I stormed off with Bumper Sticker Bob following behind.

"Dad! Mom!" The little kid shouted behind us. "Why are there people walking around our farm?"


I found Bob and myself a secret headquarters for the time being. It wasn't much, but it'd do. And what was best about it was it was chock-full of chicks.

"Cluck-cluck!" I know, I know. You were thinkin' I meant women. But I wasn't. Our headquarters was a hen house. But it'd do. Plus, free eggs. What can I say? So as I was sayin', we were in a hen house, plotting what to do next.

"What do we do next, Bud?"

"Dear, dear, Bumper Sticker Bob. In all your innocense, you're still pretty stupid."

"I don't think you even know."

"Don't talk back, son! This is a time of thinkin', not talkin' back to your superiors!"

"Sorry, Bud!"

"That's better." I poked my head out of the hen house door.
There she was. The Stinky-Mart, home of Stinky Joe and his Stinky prices. "Alright, Bob. This is it. We've gotta get Joe back."

"I thought you hated Stinky Joe, Bud."

I pulled my head back through and sat on a hen. Have you ever sat on a hen? It's a very unpleasant experience. "Now, Bob. There you go talking back again! I don't wanna hear another word out of you unless I ask, ya hear?"

"Yes, sir!"

"Hey!"

"But you asked-"

"Never you mind what I asked. Here's the plan... we'll do a surprise attack on Stinky-Mart and then retrieve Joe. Surprise attacks are always the most effective."

"Cool."

"Hey!"

"Sorry."

"Let's move." God must've hated me that day. I swear, he must've looked down and said, "Gavin, I hate you!" because by George, I stepped on an egg. And who should be walkin' by the hen house at that time? The rooster. I won't even get into how I kicked his butt, but I sure kicked his butt.


After I tended to my wounds from the rooster fight, I stared back at Bob who approuched me with more bandages. "Well, Bob, thanks to my victorious fight with the rooster-"

"But you lost."

"That doesn't matter. Because of that little outbreak, we
lost the element of surprise."

"Doodies."

"Yes. Doodies. Now then, there's one last thing we can do; walk in as a customer."

"NO!"

"Yes."

"NO!!"

"Yes."

"NO-"

"Yes, yes, YES!!!" I was about to lose my temper. I had to calm down. "Now then, son, if we wanna be customers, we've gotta dress like customers."

"But we are dressed like customers."

"No, no. Customers in a mall have their own 'look', ya see. And this 'look' is what we need. I have just the thing too."


It was a few hours later when we returned from a mall in California. I was dressed in a nice suit with a mustache and top hat. Bob... well... I'm embarrassed of him. He chose his outfit. If I could discribe him without barfing, it'd be like this: red lipstick, a green blouse with clown shoes, his chest stuffed with 20 pillows and some frilly pink underwear. Could make a guy have nightmares for the rest of his life!

But enough about Bob's crossdressing issues. We were on a mission! I told Bumper Sticker Bob to stay calm and follow my lead. We were approuching a dangerous territory. We had to be cautious. Like any other customer walking into a mall, we walked suspiciously and walked right into the doors thinking they were automatic.

"Dagnabbit, Bob! Why did you make me walk into these doors?"

"But you're in the lead."

"How many times do I have to tell you that just because I'm leading doesn't mean I'm not testing you?"

"Ooohhh... I get ya, Bud."

"Be aware of that." I turned around and smacked into the door again.


We entered finally after I tended my broken nose. It was hard to see where Joe was with my one eye. That sly devil was plotting the whole shabang! But he wasn't that sneaky. I saw him right off the bat and charged fiercly toward my prey.

"Wait! Bud!" Bumper Sticker Bob called behind me.

"No time, Bob! I have him!"

"But Bud! That's not Joe! That's-" Like I said. God hated me for some reason. Maybe it was fate. I hate fate then. Bob ended up dragging me out of a stack of cans piled in the shape of Joe himself.

"Bob..." I said after I spit out some green beans. "Why didn't you warn me? I'm blind in one eye, ya know!"

"I tried, Bud."

"Don't try, son! Succeed." I got back up and dusted myself off. This mall was big so it'd take some time. "Let's try to find Joe, now."

"But we shouldn't try. We should succeed." Bob corrected.

"Son, how many times do I have to tell you not to talk back?"

"But Joe's right there!" Bob pointed to a man that approuched us.

"How may I help you two?" He asked. That was Joe's voice alright. Minus the hillbilly, of course.

"Now I've got you, Joe!" I said grinning.

"What are you talking about?" I heard Joe say. He looked at me strangely. He obviously couldn't see past my disguise.

"This is your downfall, Stinky Joe!" I charged once again and crashed into the same stack of cans. How is that possible in the same day? Bob helped me back up. "He's become quicker than me. He must of got out of the way when I charged. That or he's chicken."

"Actually," Bob began, "He wasn't talking to you. He was talking to some people next to you." I fixed my top hat.

"You're a real help, Bob."

"Thanks." He grinned happily. I sighed. They must've stacked those cans back into that shape just to trick me. But it wasn't going to work this time. Joe came up to me. This time, it was for real.

"Are you okay? You took quite the tumble." He asked me.

"Yeah. I'm okay."

"Good. It's too nice of a day to get in an accident."

"Yeah. A nice day for revenge!"

"Are you sure you're okay?"

"Better than okay." Boy, he didn't know what was comin'.
Well, actually, he did. In fact, right when I took off the top hat and mustache, he was ready for combat.

"Wait! Let's not fight here!" he stopped me before I attacked.

"And why not?"

"Because there are adults watching. I'll meet you in the toy section where there are hundreds of kids. Be there or be circle."

"Fine!" And so we were off.


I met him there, alright. I had Bob as my cheerleading squad. I could've got hotter cheerleaders, but this was a moment of crisis. Joe stepped onto the battle field. On his side of the toy shelf, there were GI Joe toys. He loaded himself up. On my side, well... let's just say I wasn't as fortunate.

"My-Size Barbie stuff?" I exclaimed. I guess it'd have to do. I loaded myself up with the best Barbie utilities. We were ready to duke it out. And boys and girls, I was going to whoop some butt.


But I didn't. That's right. I lost! For once in my career, besides against the rooster, I lost. So lock your doors, shut your windows, put your kids to bed because what I'm about to say next is gonna be gruesome!


[SIZE=3]The Gruesome Part[/SIZE]


Yeah, I lost BIG time. He had me cornered right from the start. He had already set up little army men behind me. They were so tough-looking that I didn't dare try them. I had nothin' to do, but step forward. I charged; he charged. I ended up getting tossed into the air... I'd say 30 feet or so. That's pretty high. And I'm scared of heights.

Anyways, I was falling. It looked like the end for me. But fate would have it, the My-Size Barbie Dress acted as a parachute and I safely floated down. Then Joe shot me out of the air with a GI Joe Cannon.

So, yeah. I lost badly. I was on the ground; my chest penetrated by a plastic ball that didn't even break the skin. This was it. I was a goner. Then, suddenly, a man walked in and said "Joe, we're closing this place down." Then he walked out. Stinky Joe didn't look too happy, but I sure as hell was.

In fact, I was up on my feet and in perfect health again. Don't ask how. Maybe it was Bumper Sticker Bob and his magical fairy dust. Who knows. But I was healed. I came up to Joe and put a hand on his shoulder.

"Well, Stinky Joe, looks like the end of Stinky-Mart.
How 'bout comin' back to us, huh?" Joe looked up at me and smiled.

"Sure."

"Good to hear it. Now let's go." So the three of us started our way out of the Stinky-Mart as it was being blasted, crushed, and burnt down to be replaced by a Mars Dentist Office. Because of that Dentist Office, it's impossible to get tooth decay there. It doesn't really make sense, but the government said it and I believe it.


As for the three of us, we were back on our vessel and sailing the wild rivers of Wisconsin. "Mom! Dad! Why are there three men in a big puddle in our field?"


[b]THE END[/b]

[Biida]

[color=skyblue]Cute, Gaverz. It's witty.. ^^ I like it.

Oh, and by the way, if you haven't already read The Hitchhikers Guide To The Galaxy, by Douglas Adams, I reccomend you do. =P[/color]

[Circ]

Nice and nonsensical and funny and ridiculous oh my!

But I love it any day.

[Dragon Warrior]

Haha. Thanks you guys. I didn't think anyone was gonna post in this thread. I posted it many, many days ago. My my.

Yes. I have read the HitchHiker's Guide to the Galaxy and the 4 others to the wrongfully-named trilogy.

[Biida]

[QUOTE][i]Yes. I have read the HitchHiker's Guide to the Galaxy and the 4 others to the wrongfully-named trilogy. [/B][/QUOTE]

[color=skyblue]Good boy. :D

Those are the best books I've ever read, and your work honestly reminds me of Adams' work alot. The same weird and ironic humor, a slight likeness in the writing style... and so on. =P And trust me, that's a compliment.

Anyway, write more! XD [/color]

[Dragon Warrior]

Yeah, yeah. I'll write more. Just give me time, mate ^^ Right now I'm making a movie called [b]Wicked Element[/b] so it's taking time.