Writing Moon Wars, Episode 5: The Empire Back-Hand Smacks!

[Manic Webb]

[center][b]Moon Wars
Episode Five:
The Empire Back-Hand Smacks![/b][/center]

[url=http://www.otakuboards.com/showthread.php?s=&threadid=20459]Read Episode Four[/url]
A scripted Sailormoon / Star Wars parody by Endymion
[Slightly re-written version, "Dub" names used for wider familiarity]
[b]Cast:[/b] Serena as Serena Moonwalker, Sailor Pluto as Trista-Wan Kenobi, Luna as Lunny-PO, Artemis as Art-2D2, Sailor Uranus as Hannah Solo, Sailor Neptune as Michelle The Wooksie, ????? as Darth Lady, Darien as Prince Leo, Sailor Jupiter as Lanta, Chibi Chibi as Yochi

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Some odd time ago in some galaxy that might or might not be ours...

[center]The Big Metal Ball in the Sky was finally destroyed by the Rebels, but Darth Lady survived and continues to rule the galaxy. Serena and the Rebels got tired of their old base, so they moved to a sub-zero degree planet in the middle of freaking nowhere, covered in snow.

Even though Trista taught her absolutely nothing, Serena's skills in the forge are improving. She no longer stands still when robots shoot at her blind-folded.[/center]

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(For no reason whatsoever, Serena decided to go for a walk in the snow, dressed in a Japanese school uniform... the miniskirt kind.)

[b]Serena Moonwalker:[/b] (teeth chattering) Wow, it sure is cold out here. Maybe I should have worn my long skirt. (sneezes) Aw! Gah! (sneezes) I sure wish I could feel my legs... hey, is it me or is it getting warmer? (slowly falls to the ground) So toasty... (lays down in the snow) Ohhhhh.... yeah, that's the stuff... (falls asleep).

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(Well-heated, 115 degree Rebel base)

[b]Hannah Solo:[/b] (in a bathing suit) Has anyone seen Serena?
[b]Prince Leo:[/b] (fanning himself) Nope.
[b]Michelle The Wooksie:[/b] (wearing only a thong, her hair conveniently possitioned to hide her breasts) I think she said she was going for a walk outside... in her miniskirt.
[b]Hannah:[/b] I sure hope she doesn't catch hypothermia and die while walking in sub-zero degree weather.
[b]Lunny-PO:[/b] I wouldn't worry about hypothermia. There's always that big, murderous snow creature we completely over-looked when we settled on this god-forsaken planet. If you ask me, I think we should move.

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(Outside, in the [i]below[/i] sub-zero temperature-- which is impossible, because you can't get any lower than sub-zero, but it's JUST THAT COLD!)

[b]Serena:[/b] (swinging a wooden stick at the [strike]Abdonimnable[/strike] Abominable Snow-Man) AAA (takes a breath) AAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!
[b]Snow-Man:[/b] GRRRRR!!!!!!
[b]Serena:[/b] (reaches into the air) AW! (catches her Light Stick, which comes from nowhere, but we'll assume she used the forge) Take this... (flicks a switch and the lazer activates) ...biatch! (stabs the Snow-Man and slices it into several pieces. She then giggles like a school girl) Teehee!

(Hours later)

[b]Hannah:[/b] (in a well-heated hover-car) Serena! We were wondering what happened to you.
[b]Serena:[/b] (eating Abominable Snow-Man with chop-sticks made from her own nose-drippings) Well, I kinda got lost.
[b]Hannah:[/b] Come back. You can't stay in the cold like this. (hands Serena a long jacket and drives off without her)
[b]Serena:[/b] Hmm.... maybe I should follow her. (slowly walks after the hover-car, which is moving at 80mph)

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(The Empire's new, much smaller, Economy Size Base. Darth Lady is having a meeting with all of her generals.)

[b]General 54:[/b] So the Ewok said "Jo Mama!"
[b]All Generals:[/b] (laugh)
[b]Darth Lady:[/b] (bored as hell) Well, that one sucked arse. (throws General 54 out of a window) Does anyone know where the Rebels are?
[b]General 2:[/b] I believe they're on (pulls down a map from the wall) this planet.
[b]General 5:[/b] The one covered in ice?
[b]General 3:[/b] Don't be stupid! No one in their right mind would build a base on a planet with a temperature of almost [i]absolute zero![/i]
[b]Darth Lady:[/b] Such stupidity! (uses forge to throw General 2 out of another window.)
[b]General 4:[/b] Shouldn't we worry about the vaccum of space when you shatter those windows like that?
[b]Darth Lady:[/b] Silence! (throws General 4 out of a window).

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(Back at the New Rebel Base, the heater has gone out and everyone is cold. Very cold. Cold beyond Alaska!)

[b]Michelle the Wooksie:[/b] (wearing very large fur coat) When are they g-g-gonna fix the heater?
[b]Serena:[/b] (teeth chattering)
[b]Hannah Solo:[/b] Did you say s-something S-S-S-S-S-S-S-Serena Moo-Moo-Moonwalker? (sneeze)
[b]Serena:[/b] (teeth chattering)
[b]Prince Leo:[/b] I have an idea. (sneeze) Why don't we go to some place warm?
[b]Lunny-PO:[/b] I already suggested that, but they just ignored me...
[b]Hannah:[/b] You're right! (sneeze) We... (sneeze) sh (sneeze) gah! (sneeze) why! (sneeze) Ohh!! (sneeze) (sneeze) (sneeze)
[b]Michelle:[/b] Here... (hands Hannah a cold tablet)
[b]Hannah:[/b] (they look into each others' eyes) Thank you... (sparks fly) COUSIN.
[b]Michelle:[/b] (??) [strike]Amara[/strike] Hannah, you know we're not cousins... in this series, anyway.
[b]Art-2D2:[/b] (beeping)
[b]Lunny-PO:[/b] What did I tell you about digital voices?
[b]Art-2D2:[/b] (singing "Digital Love" by Daft Punk)
[b]Serena:[/b] (teeth chattering)
[b]Hannah:[/b] I have an idea. Let's go to Sephiroth City! I have a friend named Billie D. Lanta there who runs the place.
[b]Prince Leo:[/b] Don't you mean Cloud City?
[b]Hannah:[/b] No.
[b]Serena:[/b] (teeth chattering)

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(Scene: Sephiroth City, a space-station looking place that somehow manages to float in mid air without burning fossil fuels or using solar power. The inside looks like a colony out of Gundam Wing. Everyone is just getting off of the ship. Lanta walks up to our heroes.)
[b]Hannah:[/b] Hey! My old friend, Lanta!
[b]Lanta:[/b] (points gun at her) Hey, Hannah.
[b]Hannah:[/b] Put that gun down, you old kidder!
[b]Lanta:[/b] (does so) Let me show you where you'll be staying.

(They follow her to an apartment building. It's run down and bound to fall apart at any given moment.)

[b]Serena:[/b] I don't like this building too much.
[b]Leo:[/b] I don't like Lanta too much. I think she's out to get us.
[b]Lanta:[/b] (about to stab Hannah in the back) Heh heh.
[b]Hannah:[/b] (unaware) Don't be crazy! (looks behind her and Lanta suddenly drops the knife) You wouldn't hurt me, would you?
[b]Lanta:[/b] (laughing nervously) Of course not. We're old buddies. (pauses) I just remembered, I left something down stairs. You guys wait here while I go get it. (leaves)
[b]Hannah:[/b] I wonder what she forgot.
[b]Prince Leo:[/b] Idiot! She's trying to kill us!
[b]Hannah:[/b] No she isn't. Trust me.
[b]Lunny PO:[/b] I agree with Prince Leo. I think we're in danger.
[b]Art-2D2:[/b] You're paranoid. No one's out to kill us.
[b]Lunny PO:][/b] But she... and just.... this.... nevermind!
[b]Michelle:[/b] It sure is taking her a long time...
[b]Serena:[/b] Yeah. I say we go back downstairs to help her.

(A few minutes later, outside)

[b]Lanta:[/b] (holding a detonating device) Goodbye... (pushes button and the entire building collapses. She laughs maniacally.)
[b]Hannah:[/b] Wow. Look at that shotty building construction.
[b]Lanta:[/b] Ah! (jumps and look behind her to see they all made it outside)

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(Back at the Economy Sized Base...)

[b]Darth Lady:[/b] Come to me, Momofet!

(Momoko-- in a weird metal suit-- comes walking up. She enters without words)

[b]Darth Lady:[/b] Momofet, I have bribed Lanta with a large sum of money to kill the prince and his band of pretty soldier rebels. I want you to go. Go fetch Solo. Solo owns their ride and without their ship, the Millennium Bug, they'll have no form of transportation! Then they'll be forced to take the public space-bus! Then I'll catch them, because the only bus out of Sephiroth City is the 6! Or was it the 6A? I could have sworn...

(Momofet sighs and leaves. Without words.)

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(At the Sephiroth City Game Center)

[b]Serena:[/b] (playing Sailor Knight V) Haha! Take that, Sithette! (The game suddenly turns off) Hey! What the...
[b]Trista-Wan Kenobi:[/b] (image appears on the screen) Serena Moonwalker, it is I, Trista Wan Kenobi!
[b]Serena:[/b] Dios mio!
[b]Trista:[/b] I've come to tell you that the time has come to continue your Sailor Knight training.
[b]Serena:[/b] Aren't you dead?
[b]Trista:[/b] Uh... yeah. Now as I was sayi...
[b]Serena:[/b] I'm willing to accept the fact that I heard your voice when I blew up the Big Metal Ball in the Sky, but...
[b]Trista:[/b] SERENA! Focus! When Darth Lady killed me, she made me more powerful than she ever could have imagined, and stuff like that. I'm very strong, but I'm still dead and can't touch or move anything.... which actually makes me weaker... or am I part of the forge, now? Uh...
[b]Serena:[/b] Is this going anywhere? Because I have a top score to beat.
[b]Trista:[/b] Oh yeah. I want you to go to a planet called Yusei, where you'll meet the greatest Sailor Knight of all time, Yochi.
[b]Serena:[/b] What for?
[b]Trista:[/b] She'll train you to be a great warrior and bring balance to the forge.
[b]Serena:[/b] Sounds like a plan to me...

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(Scene: Yusei, a small planet with a lot of swamps, and almost no sunshine on the ground.)

[b]Serena:[/b] (flying a small jet) Now let's find a place to park, Art-2.
[b]Art-2D2:[/b] Shouldn't Lunny-PO be by your side, since her character is based off of Luna?
[b]Serena:[/b] Yeah, but the author made the mistake when he thought Art-2D2 sounded cooler than R-Lune-D-Lune.
[b]Art-2D2:[/b] Lookout for that ground-shaped oject in front of us.
Serena: Don't worry, it's only a giant marsh.

(The jet crashes in the marsh. Serena and Art-2 eject into the air.)

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(Back at Sephiroth City, Lanta is giving everyone a luxury tour of the city's famous Bronzing Factory.)

[b]Lanta:[/b] And as you can see, we just dip anything we want into this large vat and it instantly becomes bronzed.
[b]Lunny-PO:[/b] Bronze? Please! This cat's made of gold!
[b]Prince Leo:[/b] Isn't Art-2 made of plantinum?
[b]Lunny-PO:[/b] (upset) Don't remind me.
[b]Lanta:[/b] (fakely) Oh. My. Is. That. A. Race. Car. They. Dropped. In. There. Hannah?
[b]Hannah:[/b] A bronze car? (bends over to get a good look at the vat)
[b]Lanta:[/b] Whoops! (pushes Hannah into the bronzing vat)
[b]Leo:[/b] You did that on purpose!
[b]Lanta:[/b] You don't understand! The Empire forced me to! If I didn't, they would have shut down my city! Do you know what would have happened if they would have shut down Sephiroth City?!
[b]Leo:[/b] Nope.
[b]Lunny-PO:[/b] Not a clue.
[b]Michelle:[/b] Isn't this the only city left in the galaxy that sells Final Fantasy games?
[b]Lanta:[/b] Yes! Without the FF series, billions of gamers across the galaxy would either die or be forced to play nothing but (dramatic pause) other RPGs!
[b]Leo:[/b] It's a good thing Serena wasn't here to hear that...

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(Yusei)

[b]Serena:[/b] AAHHH!!
[b]Art-2:[/b] What's wrong?
[b]Serena:[/b] I just had this weird feeling like the gaming industry as we know it was in terrible danger.

(Suddenly, Zirconia walks up)

[b]Zirconia:[/b] Who are you?
[b]Serena:[/b] We're here to find the great Yochi, the last of the Sailor Knights.
[b]Zirconia:[/b] Come with me.

(They stop at a small house)

[b]Serena:[/b] Is this where she lives?
[b]Zirconia:[/b] Yes. (opens door)
[b]Serena:[/b] Wait. [i]You're[/i] not really Yochi, are you?
[b]Zirconia:[/b] God, no. I'm just Zirconia. (escorts Serena inside)
[b]Serena:[/b] Oh. So where is this Yochi character?

(Yochi walks into the room, wearing a black cloak)

[b]Zirconia:[/b] (pointing to Yochi) That's her.
[b]Yochi:[/b] (happily) Yochi Yochi!
[b]Serena:[/b] You're kidding me! She's more annoying than the secret love-child of Pikachu and a Teletubbie.
[b]Yochi:[/b] (angrily) Yochi Yochi!
[b]Zirconia:[/b] Whatever. I'm gone.
[b]Yochi:[/b] Yochi Yoc... (Zirconia exits) Finally, gone.
[b]Serena:[/b] I came here to ask you for something. Can you train me to be a Sailor Knight?
[b]Yochi:[/b] No. No. Cannot I.
[b]Serena:[/b] Not why? I mean "Why not?"

(Trista's ghost suddenly appears)

[b]Trista:[/b] Yeah, why not?
[b]Yochi:[/b] Old too is she.
[b]Trista:[/b] I don't care how long I've known you, I still can't understand a damn word you say.
[b]Yochi:[/b] Bad too. Change I my old still is think she too you and can't mind!
[b]Serena and Trista:[/b] WHAT?!
[b]Yochi:[/b] No.
[b]Trista:[/b] Please?
[b]Yochi:[/b] OK.

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(Sephiroth City)

[b]Leo:[/b] What's going on?!

(Weather Troopers load Hannah Solo onto the ship.)

[b]Momofet:[/b] (using up one of her only two lines in the story) Put Mr. Solo in the cargo hold.
[b]Michelle:[/b] Uh... Momofet...

(Momofet turns. Without words.)

[b]Michelle:[/b] That's a Miss. Her name is Hannah Solo. We might call her Hann, sometimes....

(Momofet is surprised. Without words.)

[b]Lunny-PO:[/b] (very fake) Oh. My. Goodness. Is. That. A. Spider. On. Your. Shoul. Der. Momo. Fet?
[b]Momofet:[/b] (using her last line) Ah! Spider! Kill it, kill it! (jumps)
[b]Lunny-PO:[/b] Ha! Made you use all of your dialogue!
[b]Momofet:[/b] (uses her hands to sign the words "female" and "dog")
[b]Lunny-PO:[/b] You insane, bounty-hunting... (flips the bird)

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(On the Economy Size Base)

[b]Serena:[/b] Wow. It was a lot easier to get on this base than the last one owned by the Empire.
[b]Darth Lady:[/b] Haha! I've found you, Serena Moonwalker!
[b]Serena:[/b] So this is it. The climactic battle!
[b]Darth Lady:[/b] Aw, the forge is strong in this one. Join the dark side!
[b]Serena:[/b] No! Never! And there's nothing you can say, no matter how dramatic, that'll even make me stop and think about it!
[b]Darth Lady:[/b] Serena, I AM YOUR... (dramatic pause) DAUGHTER!!
[b]Serena:[/b] (utterly shocked) No! Lies! LIES!
[b]Darth Lady:[/b] It's true!
[b]Serena:[/b] It can't be!
[b]Darth Lady:[/b] But it is!
[b]Serena:[/b] No, it CAN'T be. I don't have any kids. I'm pure. I'm clean. Untouched. A peach. Unpeeled. I haven't been de-flowered, yet.
[b]Darth Lady:[/b] Huh?
[b]Art-2D2:[/b] She's a freakin' a virgin.
[b]Darth Lady:[/b] Oh.
[b]Serena:[/b] So there.
[b]Darth Lady:[/b] But I'm from the future. I just came to the past for reasons that the author will narrowly pass as "valid" in the prequels. But I am Rinikin Moonwalker. See? (moonwalks).
[b]Serena:[/b] It can't be! My family made up the moonwalk! Well... us and Michael Jackson. You must be my daughter! Or Michael Jackson.
[b]Darth Lady:[/b] Nope, I really am your daughter. It's crazy, isn't it?
[b]Serena:[/b] Yeah. I'd just LOVE to see how the author is gonna handle writing the parody to episode one.
[b]Darth Lady:[/b] Well, just because I'm a really evil biatch, I'm gonna try to kill you. (uses forge to throw a bunch of plates, pots, pans, and books at Serena)
[b]Serena:[/b] Oh no! (getting hit) This hurts a lot worse than it looks! Really! (falls off of edge of cliff and dangles on by a pig-tail of hair caught on the side) Ouch!

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(Meanwhile, everyone's in the Millennium Bug with Hannah's bronzed body in the back)

[b]Lanta:[/b] Well, that was a narrow escape.
[b]Lunny-PO:[/b] We still don't trust you.
[b]Michelle:[/b] (piloting) What do you think they'll do to Sephiroth City?
[b]Lanta:[/b] They won't close it down. Without the Final Fantasy games, the galaxy will fall into chaos and the Empire will fall into debt.
[b]Lunny-PO:[/b] Sp what exactly is your justification for stabbing your best friend in the back?
[b]Prince Leo:[/b] I think I have some kind of telepathic link to Serena-- which should be explained in the next movie-- and I sense that she's in danger.
[b]Michelle:[/b] Got cha. (drives to save Serena)
[b]Serena:[/b] (dangling) HELP! HELP ME, PLEASE!
[b]Darth Lady:[/b] Join me! Together, we can rule the universe as mother and daughter.
[b]Serena:[/b] But we're the same age. If not, you're older than me. That's gonna look kinda weird.

(Millennium Bug flys under Serena)

[b]Serena:[/b] There's my ride. (falls onto ship)
[b]Prince Leo:[/b] We got her!
[b]Michelle:[/b] Let's get out of here!
[b]Serena:[/b] (climbing inside of the ship) Did you miss me?
[b]Lunny-PO:[/b] So, hear any life-altering news while you were fighting Darth Lady on her Economy Sized Base?
[b]Serena:[/b] Funny you should say that. You know, I almost got recruited by an on-board French-Canadian circus, Cirque Du Empire.
[b]Michelle:[/b] You mean the circus with the contorting people and eerie music?
[b]Serena:[/b] Yep.
[b]Michelle:[/b] I love those!

[JJ]

This is funny. I wana see episode 6 and definatly espisode one. I like the Salior scouts humor.

[Sara]

[size=1]Wow. That was...different. heh.[/size]