Writing Journalism Profile Story: Yet To Be Finished

[Mitch]

[color=black][font=rockwell][size=1] Yes. I have yet to finish this. I was going to finish during my Journalism class today, but, of course, my floppy I had had to go on the fritz and not work. So here's what I have so far. Very rough, pretty bad in what I think. But it's a start. I still don't think the beginning anecdote works well, but that's me. I still don't know if Journalism's for me.[/size][/font]

Bleary-eyed and tired she drives. As she approaches the stop light there is the moment. There is the gnashing and scratch of two lone cars smashing into each other. This is sophomore Janna Soberg. And this is her first crash.

By first looking at Soberg, not much comes to mind. She wears skirts?that's the main thing that comes to mind. Then her eyes. To the first onlooker she appears shy. She appears reserved. But, as some come to see?first impressions are not always right. Behind everyone's usual, casual behavior there's much more. The same goes for Soberg.

"Most people don't know I'm actually hyper," Soberg said. "Like when I come home from work I'll be happy that school is over and everything. I just get really hyper."

Some people find her weird, eccentric. Some find her as that quiet, shy girl in the back of the classroom who's always quiet. Whatever they think of her, Soberg finds only what she thinks of herself to matter. She comes out standing as her own person in the end no matter what others think.

" You definitely can't stereotype her," mother Patty Soberg said. "She's her own person, her own individual."

And some people. Some people condemn her for her eccentrics. Some condemn her for being too religious. Some condemn her for what she is.

Soberg was recently asked out by another guy. She immediately declined, telling him that she didn't like him like that. She stood up for herself. The man then continued to plead with her. Soberg continued to deny and deny; and, eventually, the man told her that his friend was going to pay him $50 for it.

"I think it was a typical kid," Patty Soberg said. "It was a typical kid doing a typical thing. Yeah, it's mean. But it happens all the time. You just live with it and go on"[/color]

[PiroMunkie]

[size=1]Hrmm... I guess I shall point out a few things that have bothered me in it.

Your lede: First, it is too long. In journalism, the first sentence of anything should not go over thirty-five words (generally, there are some exceptions), and should almost never be more than one sentence. Second, it has nothing to do with anything you mentioned later on. The first sentence needs to be the briefest summary of what you are writing about so that right away, the person knows what is going on. I am reading about a car crash in this first paragraph, yet that is the only time it is ever mentioned. Everything that follows is irrelevant to it.

Strong Adjectives/Verbs: These are usually unnecessary. They have a tendency to stretch the perception of whatever it is in relation with. People tend to get mad if the truth is stretch, and sensationalizing in such writings is one of the many charges commonly leveled against the press. Just do not make things seem like more or less than they actually are.

Attribution: This is lacking. The only time I can see you ever gave her notice is on the quotes. Other than that, it seems like [i]you[/i] are telling the story and not her. She should be the one telling it. I am not saying have a load of quotes, but just paraphrase things she said, and let people know that is what [i]she[/i] said. It lets the reader know that she is the one doing the talking, and you are not doing the talking for her.

Repetition: Third paragraph from the bottom that starts: "And some people. Some people...". The first "And some people" could be omitted.

Your structure is pretty good, with the exception of your opening. Everything after that seems to flow pretty well. The story itself is an okay one. Just a character sketch, so for what it is, it is good. Though, I do not really see any hook in your story. Nothing grabs me that seems outstanding enough to write about.


It is almost frightening what my journalism class has done to my mindset on looking at other people's articles, lol. It is the one department in my school that I actually take some pride in for the sheer balls of it.

I am not sure if you were asking for any kind of critique, but then again, you did not specify that you did not want it either. So this is what you received. *shrugs*[/size]

[Mitch]

[color=black][size=1][font=rockwell] Yes. I agree with you completely; this story turned out horrible. I really couldn't find a good angle, and it is just horrible. I really don't think journalism is for me, nor do I really like it. Thank you, though, Piro.[/color][/size][/font]