Writing A Simple Poem

[Charles]

[b][u]Silence[/u][/b]
I rest alone with silence
With silence as my friend
A palpable listener
Who's patient until the end

I rest alone with silence
With silence as my guide
A wise oracle, an intent thinker
From whom nothing I can hide

I rest alone in silence
With silence on my tongue
Listen now to silence
To the silent song that it has sung

Now I wake alone in silence
Find fiery particles bursting in the air
A fusillade of daylight bleeds the sky red
An instrument to compliment my silent despair.

[Mitch]

[color=black][size=1][font=rockwell] Well, it's nothing extravagently special, but it is good. It's really simple, very simple. Some of the lines could be shortened and better illustrated to form a more concise, neat form. But I have trouble simplifying phrases all of the time, too. Eh.


[b][size=3][center]...[/size][/b][/center]

[b][u]Silence[/b][/u]
[strike]I[/strike] Resting alone [strike]with silence[/strike] silent
[strike]With silence as my friend[/strike] This my friend
[strike]A[/strike] The Palpable listener
[strike]Who's[/strike] Patient until [strike]the[/strike] end

As you can tell, this poem can be much more powerful than it is. I've taken the warrant to do the first stanza. See what I came up with? I got rid of words that aren't needed, and added some more to make up for the inbalance the deletion of the words makes. It's not the best it could end up being, but I don't have much time.

It's a good first prowl, Charles.[/color][/size][/font]

[Sara]

[size=1]I like the "with silence," actually. Giving it a presence in the first line...

I like it, Charles[/size]

[Charles]

Thanks for the comments, you two. The "with" was really put there to personify silence. So, yeah, there's a method to my madness. I'm glad you liked it Sara.

Mitchy poo, your suggestions were pretty cool. I appreciate 'em. I'll experiment with them, for sure.

Anyway, here's another poem. I didn't even bother creating another thread for it because I'm not satisfied with it. I'll probably develop an actual scheme for it when I have time.

All people may be created equal
But, they are not born so
Some lack opportunities
And resources that
Others find plentiful
Face gender and racial unjust
Then there are the children
Children burdened
Genetically crippled
By their parents' mistakes
But, despite limitations
And obstacle laden trials and tribulations
And everything that is unequal
We all have the ability to [i][b]dream[/i][/b]
Through [i]aspiration[/i] and reaching
Reaching deep down inside
Standing on tiptoes and
Touching the stars
We all have the ability
To tap into an endless reservoir of potential
And become something greater.

[Guest Zeh]

[size=1]"A fusillade of daylight bleeds the sky red"

I love that sentance, it makes the poem as a whole more powerful. You should fiddle around with the length of the lines like mitch said. The second sounds more like a speach than a poem...[/size]

[Guest kanna]

this is so beautyful! wow!

[Vicky]

NICE! I LIKE THE FIRST POEM BETTER.IT'S LIKE ME. I LIKE TO BE ALONE AND SIELENT.

[Charles]

Thanks Vicky. I agree with you. I'll probably turn the second into a speech or something.

Oh, but remember not to type in all caps. It's considered yelling, and contradicts the forum rules.