Writing Twighlight

[SSJ5 Vegeta]

TWILIGHT

Do you know what the best time of night is?
Twilight
As I step out on my porch
I am surrounded by a pinkish, purplish, reddish
Royal blue ocean
As I sit down on my porch
The cracks on it shadowed in darkness
Like the roots of some never-ending shrub
The dandelions greet me
Like her
Radiant
My heart aches

The exotic appearing
Tangerine sun
Burns the fields ablaze
With gold
And the leaves of my maple tree
Light up on fire
Red like strawberry soda
That I drink in the summertime
While I fish
Being held up by thin branches
Fragile in appearance
Like an elderly woman?s fingers
Yet strong like miniature beams
On our nations bridges
As the Bradford pear tree
Is a collage of creamy satin petals
Smiling at me
And the tulips lay down to rest
In their flowerbed

I fall back and rest my head
On the porch, a welcome relief
Looking up at the first star to appear
As the moon creeps up in the distance
I make a wish
I make a wish
But I can?t tell you
The rims on my dad?s truck
Glow like a complex metal alloy
On some government spacecraft
The sidewalk, is alive with dandelions
On one side
Sending small torches
To light the path
Of the cracked
Eighteen year old concrete
Walkway
The air is crisp
And leaves rustle
As they dance in my yard
Having their own little party
In a miniature tornado
Spinning, and stirring
Like the thoughts in my head
As my stomach?s churning
Wondering if the line?s busy
I lay down on my leather couch
Embracing me in comfort
Massaging my bad thoughts away
Like sun breaking through the dark clouds
Chained to my heart
As the twilight slowly fades
And the night comes to a close
I look out my windows at the starlit sky
Burning like distant souls
Trapped under a black blanket
As I cover myself in my bed comforter
I am surrounded like the darkness outside
And I drift peacefully to sleep
My eyes struggling to stay open
Shuttering like camera lenses
I drift off
As the blackish blue tide
Covers the world
And I think in my head
The best time of night
Is at twilight

[Lady Asphyxia]

[color=darkred][size=1][i]Great[/i] imagery. Bloody brilliant. There are a few things; in the beginning, the "pinkish, purplish, reddish" part detracts [in my opinion] because they aren't colours, and it seems too long.

The last stanza could probably be broken up so it isn't so long -- each idea could be a stanza:

[i]I fall back and rest my head
On the porch, a welcome relief
Looking up at the first star to appear
As the moon creeps up in the distance
I make a wish
I make a wish
But I can?t tell you

The rims on my dad?s truck
Glow like a complex metal alloy
On some government spacecraft
The sidewalk, is alive with dandelions
On one side
Sending small torches
To light the path
Of the cracked
Eighteen year old concrete
Walkway

The air is crisp
And leaves rustle
As they dance in my yard
Having their own little party
In a miniature tornado
Spinning, and stirring
Like the thoughts in my head[/i]

And so on.

But, really, the imagery is fantastic, and the mood is tranquil. I really like this piece.

^_^ So very, very well done.[/color][/size]

[Sara]

[size=1]I...wow.

Well. I like it...the mood, the pictures, the words. It's very easy to read, and seems familiar. That's the greatest thing a writer can do, I think.

The things I was going to mention--the pinkish, purpleish bit and the long stanza at the end, Lady A already got.

Wonderful.[/size]