Writing Yu-Gi-Oh!: The Puzzle

[LastSheikah]

FYI: This is a weird story, I think. It takes place before Duelist Kingdom and part of it even before Yugi gets the Millennium Puzzle...so...Here ya' go!
About all of us know the story of Yugi Motou, his Millennium Puzzle, the crazy adventures, and helping an Egyptian Pharaoh save the world, right? Well, how much do we people know about the day Yugi got the Millennium Puzzle and solved it? Not very much...until now.
[U]The Puzzle[/U]
"Grandpa! I'm home!" Yugi said entering the door. His grandpa was standing on a stool stacking video games on a shelf.

"Oh good," Solomon Motou, his grandpa, said relieved. "Finally someone can help me restock these shelves."

"It's a good thing I don't have homework today then, huh?" The boy replied picking up some boxes.

"I going to go take a break," his grandpa yawned. "Lifting boxes all day sure gets tiring after a while. Come get me if you need anything."

"Okay," Yugi picked up a misplaced box on the top shelf and turned around on the stool to see where it went. He found the spot on the opposite wall, moved over to it, and set the box in its proper place and turned back around.

He was about to go grab more boxes, but something stopped him. Yugi turned around and looked behind the box to see what was bugging him. When he turned around he accidentally knocked over a box.

Behing the box he knocked over was yet another box, except it was gold and smaller. It had weird designs on it like the symbol of an eye on the front. Yugi stared at the it for a while, (Staring Contest! Guess who wins:rolleyes: ) then picked it up.

Yugi put the game boxes back where they belonged and climbed down the stool with the gold one in hand. It was oddly warm, the box, for such a cold day.

Yugi walked to the house part of the gameshop to ask his grandpa what the box was. His grandpa was in the hallway getting some extra blankets out of a closet.

"Hey, Grandpa. What's this weird box?" Yugi asked.

"Well, what do you know," Mr. Motou said chuckling. "I was wondering how long it would take one of us to find that thing. It's an Ancient Egyptian puzzle. ("Yes! A puzzle!" Yugi thought.) I found it on an archeological dig."

"Has anyone ever solved the puzzle?" Yugi questioned.

"Not yet," he replied. "But maybe you can solve it. You must have solved some 500 jigsaw puzzles so far. And who knows, maybe that puzzle will turn out to be more than it seems."

"Maybe."

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Thank you for helping me fix this story. I usually get really shy while writing a story and forget what to write...:blush: thanks!

[Lady Asphyxia]

[color=darkred][size=1]I don't know anything about Yu-Gi-Oh!, so don't shoot me if I get some things wrong. I'm looking at this from a purely writing view. [/color][/size]


[quote][i]Originally posted by Egypt Girl[/i]

[u]The Puzzle[/u]

All of us know the story of Yugi Motou, his Millennium Puzzle, the crazy adventures, and helping an Egyptian Pharaoh save the world, right? Well, how much do we people know about the day Yugi got the Millennium Puzzle and solved it? Not very much...until now.[/quote]

[color=darkred][size=1]Well, this paragraph is out of place, because you've taken on the role of author -- speaking as Author. Really, it would be better to have this paragraph in your 'introduction' [for lack of a better word -- I don't know what to call it]. This would leave room to use "Grandpa! I'm home!" as your opening sentence.[/color][/size]

[quote]"Grandpa! I'm home!" [color=red]Yugi[/color] said entering the door. His grandpa was standing on a stool stacking video games on a shelf.

"Oh good," He said relieved. "Finally someone caqn help me restock these shelves."

"It's a good thing I don't have homework today then, huh?" [color=red]Yugi[/color] replied picking up some boxes.

"I going to go take a break," [color=red]Yugi[/color]'s grandpa yawned. "Lifting boxes all day sure gets tiring after a while. Come get me if you need anything."

"Okay," [color=red]Yugi[/color] picked up a misplaced box on the top shelf and turned around on the stool to see where it went. He found the spot on the opposite wall and moved over to it. [color=red]Yugi[/color] set the box in its proper place and turned back around.[/quote]


[color=darkred][size=1]The opening line of dialogue is great -- often, dialogue can seduce the reader into going on with the story.

There are to many 'Yugi's in the story. It gets repeditive. Try to use different ways to describe him. "The boy" "The..." whatever. [/color][/size]


[quote]He was about to go grab more boxes, but something stopped him. For some reason he wanted to turn around and do...something. [color=red]Yugi[/color] turned around and looked behind the box to see what was bugging him. He pulled the box out. Nothing. He still held it in the air. Something was there, drawing him towards it. Curiosity took over and he pulled out two more boxes and set them on a separate shelf.[/quote]

[color=darkred][size=1]You need a better reason than "He wanted to turn around and do...something". Make Yugi turn around and knock the boxes over, perhaps, revealing the puzzle.[/color][/size]


[quote]Behind the three boxes was yet another box, except it was gold and about the size of a small shoe box. It had weird designs on it like the symbol of an eye on the front. [color=red]Yugi[/color] stared at the box for a while, (Staring Contest! Guess who wins ) then picked it up.

[color=red]Yugi[/color] put the game boxes back where they belonged and climbed down the stool with the gold box in hand. It was oddly warm, for such a cold day.[/quote]

[color=darkred][size=1]The last line was brilliant. It immidiately tells you there is something wierd about the box, and you can almost see the puzzled expression on Yugi's face.[/color][/size]

[quote][color=red]Yugi[/color] walked to the house part of the gameshop to ask his grandpa what the box was. His grandpa was in the hallway getting some extra blankets out of a closet.

"Hey, Grandpa. What's this weird box?" [color=red]Yugi[/color] asked.

"Well, what do you know," his grandpa said chuckling. "I was wondering how long it would take one of us to find that thing. It's an Ancient Egyptian puzzle. ("Yes! A puzzle!" Yugi thought.) I found it on an archeological dig."

"Has anyone ever solved the puzzle?" [color=red]Yugi[/color] questioned.

"Not yet," he replied. "But maybe you can solve it. You must have solved some 500 jigsaw puzzles so far. And who knows, maybe that puzzle will turn out to be more than it seems."

"Maybe."[/quote]

[color=darkred][size=1]Does his grandfather have a name? Maybe you should make one up. As it is, the grandfather isn't a person on his own, he's an extension of Yugi. [/color][/size]

[Solo Tremaine]

Nice ^_^

Is there/will there be more? I like the idea, although there's just one little thing niggling at me:

[quote]Behing the box he knocked over was yet another box, except it was gold and about the size of a small shoe box. It had weird designs on it like the symbol of an eye on the front. Yugi stared at the box for a while, (Staring Contest! Guess who wins ) then picked it up.[/quote]

Lots of 'box'. Although there isn't much of an alternative word in these cases. Maybe something other than a shoe box to compare its size to? And then Yugi could stare at 'it' for a while.

Another thing to consider could be description. What does the box/room/Grandpa look like or feel like (musty or clean or whatever)? Just little things like that can add a lot to a story's atmosphere.

It's still very good, though ^_^

[LastSheikah]

Thank you, I'm still really an ametuer. (Spelling?) There is more coming. Some of it is stuff from the flashbacks in some episodes. I just took it all and linked it all together.:D
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Later that night:

"This piece should go to this piece...Yes!" Yugi excliamed. He was sitting at his desk in his room with a pile of puzzle pieces in front of him.

Yugi had spent almost 4 long, hard, hours on that puzzle and had quite a few pieces already together. He found it was WAY harder than most puzzles because he didn't know where any of the parts went or what the finished puzzle would look like.

"Yugi, it's time for bed. It's almost 11:00."

"Sorry Grandpa. I guess I just got to caught up in this puzzle. I'll finish it tomorrow."

Next Day:

"Yugi! Hurry up! I don't want to be late for school again!" T`ea shouted.

"I'm coming! I'm coming! See you, Grandpa!" He shouted running out the door.

"Have a good day at school!"

Yugi and T`ea started fast-walking to school.

"What took you so long?" she asked.

"I wanted to make sure I had all of the pieces to a puzzle my grandpa gave me."

"A new puzzle?"

"I can't really say it's new. It's an Ancient Egyptian artifact. A real one. How I found it was kind of a weird coincidence..."

He told T`ea how he got the puzzle.

"Weird. But shouldn't it go to a museum or something?" T`ea questioned.

"Grandpa was an archeologist once. And he said that no one has ever been able to solve the puzzle, howwould anyone ever know what it is or what it's for?" Yugi explained.

"Good point."

When T`ea said this they reached the school


"How long have you been working on that puzzle anyway?" T`ea asked.

"About 5 hours, I think...Oh no."

Yugi looked up at the door right as Joey Wheeler and Tristen Taylor were entering the class. Back then Yugi's only real friend was T`ea. He was better known as the guy who got beaten daily by the duo. Tristen spotted Yugi and casually walked towards his seat. He looked at the puzzle and then at Yugi.

Yugi picked up the puzzle pieces and put them back in the case. He wasn't going to take any chances on them stealing his puzzle.
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Sorry, this is where I'll end today. I'm just writing it page by page since it isn't separated into chapters. And thanks again to everyone that has helped me edit this story. :D