Writing Rurouni Kenshin/Samurai x

[vegeta rocker]

I thought i would give Rurouni Kenshin a shot. I have never written about him so i decided to try.
This isn't one of my best works but it is semi-serious. Tell me what you think. It is basically about Kenshin deciding whether if he kills someone again will he really return to being a manslayer. For lack of a better name it is titled Manslayer.

Manslayer

the polished night
glints off my blade
as it rings in the air

blinking away the
salt of unshed tears
seems to only intensify
the blood lust
throbbing in my
ears

cinders of torn flesh
drift past the trees
as my previous life

resurfaces and
saturates every
fiber of my trembling body
with white hot fury

my cold sweat
absorbs the moonlight
in the hot balmy air

taking a firmer grip
on the spinning grass
seems to make the world
careen on it's axis
and spin wildly out of control

pleading with myself
seems to
have no effect

on the malevolence
now blossoming within me
and entwisting my soul
like a rose composed of
the sharpest thorns

the retribution
that has sustained me
thus far

has allowed me
to live in freedom from others
yet entraped in a personal hell
that only recreates my past

i sought only
to destroy the spite
that whether by fate
or mere chance
spurred my own birth

once again
the surge of
unmistakable power

takes it's grip
on my soul
and makes everything
blur at the edges

my heart is
buried beneath
so much hate

i do not know
if it can ever beat again
or if i even want it to

it's hard to know anything anymore
no matter how simple it sounds
to those looking in

I lost a piece of myself
every time that I
let it take control

I don't even know who
i am anymore
only what i have done

I used to believe that was enough
how can everyone know you
and yet you can't
look yourself in the mirror

Like wearing a mask
that has what you are
written all over it

and everyone can read
it with ease
everyone but the one
person it truly matters to

my blade glowing
under the swollen moon
awakens what

the men told stories of
and what i had hoped
had died forever

[Shinkoru]

Nice but, needs sum improvment. I give it a 7/10 cuz its nice, but where u put the spaces and cut it off, YOu coulda put a lot more thought in to it. Over all its pretty good, but for example
"as it rings in the
air"

when reading it, it kinda makes u paused, then read air, which dosent sound right. See wat I mean? But yeh its still pretty good.

[wiccansamurai]

i totally agrre with Phantom!!! it is confusing with all the different lines!

[vegeta rocker]

Okay i did some major reconstruction. And to Phantoms Angel, major thanks. People have told me that but never given an example, but now i understand and can attack the problem more efficently.I also tried to put more feeling into it, though i think there may be elements of myself in it.
Need more input!