Writing Tears

[Shinkoru]

[color=purple]Drowning in a pool of sorrow,
waiting wishing for the morrow,

Dark and deep are my fears,
from my eyes pour my tears,

friendless lifeless abandoned and alone,
this pool of depression is now my home,

Ive lost the love, the life the joy,
my wounds will never recoil,

this place again I thought I had left,
I found was buried still within myself,

so here I sit sad and lost,
no friends no life,

They were the cost,
of the decisions that I made,

So I wheep, sad and nearly dead.
~D.Blume



Whatca think? Rate please, comments and suggustions greatly apricitated.[/color]

[Phantom]

Its touching....nothing to smile about in that poem...too deep to feel anything but pain and misery...

Ive tried to write a poem ...but it turned out much the same...even though i started it trying to focus on happines..

[Shinkoru]

Ive lost all hope on anythign remotely resembling happiness.

[Phantom]

*nods* But you arent one to give up...too stuborn

[Shinkoru]

I gave up a long time ago, I just hadn't realised it yett.
Life is full of tests and challanges,
thigns to try to make us see,

but why?

Who has the right ot test me?

who has the right ot say I'm good enough to stay?

Or who died and made someone god to stay I dont fit in.

Who decides normal here?

Who decides fate?

Wish I Knew cuz if I did I woulda had him fired a long time ago.


pardon my spelling its to early in the morning

[Mitch]

[QUOTE][i]Originally posted by Phantom's Angel [/i]
[B][color=purple]Drowning in a pool [strike]of sorrow[/strike],
[strike]waiting wishing for the morrow,[/strike] Where fish say the morrow
And I'm left here--only sorrow

Dark and deep say[strike]are[/strike] my fears,
[strike]from my eyes pour my tears,[/strike]
From these eyes which fall
From these eyes and only all--

[strike]friendless lifeless abandoned and alone,
this pool of depression is now my home,[/strike]
These eyes do see them call
For in this pool
Depression is now
And this be my home

[strike]Ive lost the love, the life the joy,
my wounds will never recoil,[/strike]
Lost I've love
Perhaps the life
Joy is never--
Never never:
I hold you close tonight

[strike]this place again I thought I had left,
I found was buried still within myself,

so here I sit sad and lost,
no friends no life,

They were the cost,
of the decisions that I made,

So I wheep, sad and nearly dead.[/strike]
~D.Blume



[/color] [/B][/QUOTE]

[font=rockwell][size=1] I did that very quickly, but as you see, this poem does show a good thing going for it. But it can be better.

I know that my version may not be better, but hopefully you can see a few improvements. Especially on one main thing: to me, poetry should be as concise as it can be. You want to put some powerful description in the shortest words needed.

Looking over what I've done, I can tell that this poem really doesn't have a beat. You see, the main thing I see is it's not focused enough. At the beginning you started about a "pool of depression." You should've stuck to that, otherwise you jump around too much, and it just doesn't seem to work. Especially what I did to it doesn't seem to work, heh. But perhaps you can see something from it.

Mainly, you need to have more description. This poem's really really scant on that. And without that, I can't even feel anything from this poem. All I know is that you're depressed, but why should that matter to me? You need to use some symbols perhaps, something that'll stick in one's mind to dig into my brain and force me into rememberance.

Geh. Anyways, hope I said something that'll help--[/size][/font]

[Shinkoru]

Verry much helpful, but that wasnt the point i was getting at, each stance has a certin meaning, and for the pplz that know me, like Mystick's knight, know hwat they mean, but I'll help ya out, ya kow when thigns r bad, andthey can't POSSIBLY get any worse? then they do. Well thats how it is. For example,"drowning in a poll of sorrow, waiting wishing for the morrow" Well drowing is me drownign in a pool of depression, and waiting for the morrow, basically waiting for twomorrow, because I live day by day, not really caring, and another example "friendless lifeless and all alone" Well i was recently expelled from school so itsl ike instantly i lost all my friends, me n my boyfirend just broke up recently, aka Mystick's Knight, by no real ault of our own, but still. The poem is ment ot set a mood and explain feeling, not really much else to it but my ranring, wiritng poetryl ike that helpes ease the pain a slight bit. Besides I have thousands of other things gone wrong, writers block foro ne ^_^ lol