Writing dying-poem

[Guest Anime_princess]

If you think I should change anything tell me.thanks



Sitting in a room with no light,
I fell another presence in there,
It lingers around me,
Watching my every move.
It comes to me and i feel a sharp pain.
It felt like oblivion,
and after a while looked like oblivion.
I was sitting in nothingness,
When...I found...I was... dead.

[Corey]

During the poem, you switch you word tense a few times.
I believe you switch from present to past tense. You should choose one and stick with it.

[Shinkoru]

Sitting in a room with no light,
I fell[color=red]Felt[/color] another presence[color=red]///in there,(take out)[/color]
It lingers around me,
Watching my every move.
It comes to me and i feel a sharp pain.
It felt[color=red]feels[/color] like oblivion,
and after a while looked like oblivion.
I was sitting in nothingness,
When...I found...I was... dead.

[color=red]Edited Poem[/color]
Sitting in a room with no light,
I felt another presence,
It lingers around me,
Watching my every move.
It comes to me and i feel a sharp pain.
It feels like oblivion,
and after a while looked like oblivion.
I was sitting in nothingness,
When...I found...I was... dead.


My opinion. :) as u had it 7/10 as i have it 9/10