Writing Humor Evangelion fic(proloue only)

[Vertigo]

This story is the result of boredom, an urge to write an Evangelion fic, and way too much time reading good Eva humor and watching berserk Eva scenes.
[U][B]Eva Attack:[/B][I]The most F***ed up Self-Insertion Ever Written[/I][/U]
~Prolouge~
Commander Gendo Ikari scowled as he hung up the phone. He put on his usual face of interest, yet apathy, his hands folded under his nose.
"They are not happy, are they, Ikari?" his comrade, Vice-Commander Kozo Fuyutsuki asked from behind. "About the Evas, I mean."
"It is irrelevant," Gendo said calmly as he looked at the paperwork on his desk. "We can easily replace the damaged Evas with the new ones."
The former professor's eyes widened. "But what about the budget-"
"That is also irrelevant." Gendo's eyes did not move, and he seemed like he would never move.
Kozo sighed. SEELE would not be happy about whatever method Gendo had used to bend the budget to his will. The two of them were already on very bad terms. And the recent loss of the Lance had not helped anything in the least.
Something also irked him though, about the production of these Evas. It was not suprising that Gendo had ordered backup Evas; after the Second Impact, Kozo was never sure what information Gendo had. But there was one thing that seemed wrong.
"How have they been upgraded, Ikari? Any changes in the basic organics?"
"No. These Evas simply have longer-lasting batteries, and Eva 05 is being tested with progressive claws. That is all."
"But the souls within them...are they just copies of the original three?"
Gendo's gaze never flickered away from the papers. "No, they are new souls from the application tests at Matsushiro, from Marduk."
Kozo gasped, opened his mouth to say something rash to Gendo, then closed it. It wasn't like the man would listen if he did voice his opinion on this. But still, this was very wrong. Wronger than Rei, wronger than using Naoko, even wronger than what he knew Gendo was doing to Dr. Akagi.
Now he understood why Gendo had ordered that Marduk openly offer to look for pilots.
He wanted new souls from those who tried.


So, um, what do you think? I don't have time to write more right now, but I plan to write more later.

[misery]

hmm.. its very evangelionish, that's good i guess. For a prologue, it doesn't give us a lot of information, I don't know if you have the story planned out yet, but from what I gather.. there are new evas with new souls? Fuyutsuki seems weird tho, like why would he still be working for Ikari if he didn't agree with all the other stuff? It's good, keep writing.

[Vertigo]

[i]Where...where am I?[/i] She tried to open her eyes, but it felt as if she could not open them. She next tried to move, but her limbs seemed to be paralyzed, as if the signal was not even reaching them. It took her a few seconds to realize that if she even had a body, she now had no control over it. [i]Dammit...What the hell happened to me?[/i] She thought hard, trying to remember where she was last...
Matsushiro. She had tried to become an Evangelion pilot. It was coming back to her now...She had been in the entry plug, and she heard the tech crew saying something about Third-Class plug depth and A-10. She had felt a little weird, like someone had touched her neck, but it had faded. There was nothing she remembered after that. [i]I guess I died or something...Looks like the afterlife is pretty boring...[/i] There seemed to be nothing in wherever she was, and the only thing she felt was a weird feeling in her brain every once in a while. [i]Well, I suppose it's alright...[/i]
She suddenly felt a...change in her, as if the back of her head had been replaced with wires. In a flash of colors, she could see a large room with white padded walls. [i]Am I insane?[/i]
Even if she was insane, there [u]was[/u] something in her head. It was certain. She began to delve into this intruder, seeing what was in its head.
[b]I won't run away..I won't run away...Why does Father hate me? They all hate me! I don't care what they say! Why do I do this? Why can't I stand up to them? Why should I stand up to them? I hate being bound! I need people! I hate people! I need love! I-[/b] She broke the connection. Whatever this was, she hated it. She hated its indecision, hated how it seemed to never say a word to anyone, hated how it had dug itself into a hole and wouldn't admit it. And it was in her head. Deep, deep down in her head. She hated it. She hated it with all the emotion she had left. [i]Get out of my head.[/i] The thing ignored her as it began to take more control over her paralyzed body. [i]Get out of my head![/i] It was now thinking about a girl, completely ignoring her. If she could percieve that she still had teeth, she would have clenched them in anger. [i]GET OUT OF MY HEAD![/i]
****************
"What's going on?" Misato Katsuragi watched the alerts spring up on one of the displays.[br]
"The pulse is disappearing! All circuits to the Eva have been cut off!" Maya Ibuki cried as the Eva's arms began to break from their restraints. Shigeru Aoba gasped. "My God! There's no feedback at all! And the blockage seems to be coming...from the Evangelion itself!"[br]
"What the hell?" Misato looked back at the Eva, which had broken the steel restrains and was beginning to roar.
"Unit 05 have gone berserk! It's out of our control!" Makoto Hyuga shouted, turning back to Ritsuko.[br]Ritsuko Akagi narrowed her eyes. "Cut the power."[br]
One of the three techs pressed a key, and the giant electric plug fell away from the giant machine. The Eva froze for a moment, its fingers contorted in grotesque ways, then sprang to life again, breifly feeling its head over before beginning to claw at the base of its neck. "It's no use!" Maya said. "Unit 05 has around fifty seconds left in its internal batteries!" Misato cursed. "Damn those upgrades..The Evas are already too close to being the death of us all. Why would they want to make them more dangerous?" She turned to the techs. "Trasmit the ejection code. Do whatever you must to save the pilot!" Unit 05 continued to tear futilely at its head and neck, still emitting that awful roar. "Hurry!"
"Ejection code cleared! Entry plug will be ejected in 5...4....3...2..1...Entry plug has been ejected!"
Ritsuko turned from the window back to the Eva. "Rescue the Third Child!" Looking back at the Eva, her eyes widened again. Unit 05 had tried to kill Shinji...What kind of soul was in this beast?

[Vertigo]

[i]Hey, Vert...Vert...[/i] Oxling knew that Vertigo was near and that she was upset about something. [i]Vert...Vert, what's wrong, Vert?[/i]
Vert's voice rang in her head. [i]We're dead. Dead as a cockroach on the freeway. The three of us are dead.[/i]
[i]What do you mean?[/i] Oxling could feel that it was Sarah on the other side of her.
[i]'Rah, we're dead. This isn't some kind of afterlife...It's hell.[/i]
[i]What the hell do you mean, Vert?[/i] Oxling asked.
[i]There was someone in my head, Oxling.[/i] Vertigo stated simply. [i]Someone using my body. I thought I was crazy, that I was in a mental home, but as I got control for a while, I realized what had happened.[/i] Her voice wavered with anger.
[i]Vert, what was it?[/i]
[i]We're goddamn Evas. The thing in my head was the pilot. And I went berserk.[/i]
All three of them were in silence for a moment, contemplating their fates. After a while, Oxling began to laugh.
[i]What's so damn funny?[/i] There was more than a hint of annoyance in Sarah's voice. [i]We're stuck in freakin' robots, for the love of God![/i]
[i]Yeah, but that doesn't mean we have to [u]act[/u] like we are...here, lemme tell you what we should do...[/i]
***********
[p]Misato looked out at the purple and black Evangelion, hoping that it wouldn't go berserk like the last one. Everything seemed to be going fine, but that was almost always the case when it came to the Evas. "How is everything going?" she asked Ritsuko.
"Perfect," replied Shigeru. "There seem to be no problems, and the pilot's ratio with Unit 06 is 40%."
"Well, that's good, especially for a start. I suppose we'll work more on the synchro if we have to. Shinji, you can get out now," she told the pilot. "What's wrong, Hyuga?" she asked as she watched Shinji leave the Eva.
"There appears to be a bunch of hackers attempting to get into the computer systems."
"Not again?" Ritsuko asked. "What are they headed for?"
"Sempai, they seem to be hacking..." Maya gasped. "into these very computers!"
"Trace sequence has begun." For once, everyone was calm. It was quite weird that someone would want to hack into some random NERV computer, but they could be easily stopped once found.
"What the hell?" Shigeru cried out of nowhere as his terminal began to open an AOL Instant Messenger chat. "Who [i]are[/i] these psychos?"
"Trace has been completed." Makoto turned to Misato. "There appear to be three different hackers working together."
Misato grimaced. "Where are they?"
"They're...This is impossible! Sempai, the traces say that they are in Evangelion cages five and seven, and in this test room!" Maya shouted. Ritsuko's jaw dropped. "The Evas are hacking us? This can't be!"
Shigeru's terminal bleeped, and they all looked at the IM chat. "EVA-05 has entered the chat. EVA-06 has entered the chat. EVA-07 has entered the chat," Makoto read off of the window. Shigeru simply stared as the messages began to come.
"EVA-05: Hello, you NERV bastards!" the computer proudly displayed. "EVA-05: As you have figured out, we are the three new Evangelions! I am Unit 05, but you may call me by the name I had before I [b]died[/b], Vertigo!"
Shigeru took the keyboard and began to type. "HotRocker: Why are you doing this?"
"EVA-06: ^_^ Oh, we just wanted to tell you a few things...Do you have a problem with that, Shigeru?" The rest of the crew stared at the screen as the Evas continued to message him.
"EVA-07: Shinji Ikari, j00 suxx0rs!"
"EVA-05: XD Yes! Yes, he does!" Shinji, who had heard the commotion and made his way to the test room, began to cry. "Misato, what's wrong with these Evas?" he asked between sobs.
Misato shook her head. "Shinji, I have no idea..."